need advice moving on and need some reality check

[dranel15]

me and my ex girlfriend broke up a month ago and the pain is just keep getting worse, reason for our breakup was i accidentally found out that she wants to explore girls i really wanted her to stay but she broke up with me.

i knew she was bi or les because she told me once that we were hanging out that she is attracted to girls and when it comes to guys i am an exception but when i came through that post of her i brought it up and told her whats the meaning of that because wanting to explore girls = she doesn't see me in her future or she doesn't love me anymore when that happened she ghosted me for 2 weeks and dumped me.

and i really feel like i made a mistake by telling her that if she really loves me she would not want something else we she said it would be the best option if we broke up and we did and an hour later i reached out to her that it would be cool if we work on this but after 2 days after that she ghosted me for 2 weeks and told me we cant be together anymore

i had a crush on her since elementary and liked each other on pandemic and stopped talking because i was a mess and the fate reunited us in senior high school together it was like a dream come true, we are each other's first time, she's my first girlfriend, and i was her first boyfriend first kiss and first everything.

i know this might sound stupid but there's times i hope that i never brought that post of hers but that would make me a stupid fool and our relationship might be kinda forced? but there's also times that i accidentally came through that post for a reason.

how do i get rid of this pain? i tried working out but after that im just missing her tried journaling but still i miss her and i'm getting tempted to tell her that i miss her but she probably doesn't care because when we broke up when i tried to make her stay she told me that she doesn't care about me anymore and she can't get herself to hate me because she just doesn't care anymore.

this is my first breakup this hurts like hell because i keep thinking to myself that where did i go wrong i tried my very best to make her happy i really wanted it to be her. i really hope that she'll comeback someday but it's very likely that she'll not. and im getting tempted to reach her out :((

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, dranel15 said:

i keep thinking to myself that where did i go wrong i tried my very best to make her happy

I know it hurts, but you can't fix this. This isn't a situation where trying to make someone happy would change the result. 

She is attracted to women. She wants to explore something you can't possibly offer her. You haven't done anything wrong -she simply is who she is and this not something to "work through." You are just too different to be a compatible couple. 

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. There is a better woman out there for you. 

[dranel15]

50 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I know it hurts, but you can't fix this. This isn't a situation where trying to make someone happy would change the result. 

She is attracted to women. She wants to explore something you can't possibly offer her. You haven't done anything wrong -she simply is who she is and this not something to "work through." You are just too different to be a compatible couple. 

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. There is a better woman out there for you. 

thank you

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. The reality check you've requested is that we cannot change someone else's reality. Her sexuality is her nature. She may have believed that she could change it through an emotional bond with you, but she learned that she can't, and that's not something you could have prevented by behaving differently.

The right person for you won't need to change herself for you.

[Kwothe28]

You didnt do anything wrong. She just isnt attracted to your gender at all. Its not anything you did, even if you didnt mention anything, she would leave. That is something on her, not on you. Even if she would be back, would you take someebody who ghosted you? That is just unacceptable and disrespectful.

2 hours ago, dranel15 said:

how do i get rid of this pain?

Time. Time heals everything. Though working out doesnt seem like a bad idea either. Anything that distracts you from thinking about her is not bad.

[Coily]

A first dumping is rough, but nothing you can really do in regards to her.  It's going to suck for a while, but as said before time heals many things.

Her having same sex attraction does make it easier honestly, that's a cold comfort. You need to find ways to vent this that is productive and is distracting initially. Use this time to reconnect with friends, explore something new, immerse yourself in something that will help build you up.

Also, it's okay to resent her in how she dumped you. I know this is going to sound odd, but for a first gf; you need to learn how to be dumped, and that involves not liking how things went down. It's raw and emotional, and you need to take that righteous indignation and turn it into something positive for you; while building a healthy emotional distance. Part of that will be blocking her on social media.

[TeeDee]

I'm so sorry that you are in pain.  Break ups suck but we have all been there & you will get through this.  

There's an adage that it's takes 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully get over it.  It's not instantaneous so don't get discouraged that you are not over it in a month.  The end of this was a huge change in your life.  You have to figure out yourself without her & that is not easy or quick but it will happen. 

There are some things you can do:  

* exercise  endorphins help

* journaling is good, keep it up

* surround yourself with supportive friends & family 

* keep busy:  work over time, pick up a side hustle, learn a new skill, dive back into an old hobby that you let go of 

* help others  believe it or not the best way to help yourself is to help somebody else 

* change your environment -- redecorate your living space, move some furniture around, paint, add new art -- do anything to make the space different from the last time she was there so you don't see her in your mind's eye 

* disconnect on social media.  You don't need to see whatever she's posting 

 

Hang in there.  You will be OK. 

[yogacat]

I recall when I broke up with a boyfriend, I slept with his t-shirt for days, tried to hold to every single thing that reminded me of him, even saved small parts of his favorite cereal that he left me just so that I would be reminded of him.  

The pain got worse when I recall how complete and happy I was with him, and It'll be a tough thing to get through, but It's better to instead of looking at how lost you are without the person, look at what you learned from the relationship, and what you can grow up and move on from.

Every time that you start thinking about them, just acknowledge that their part in your life is done and focus on yourself. While the relationship ended, I am still so grateful for the experience and the lessons I learned, and that ultimately makes me a stronger person.  

Your girlfriend needed to do what is best for herself and her journey. She is likely trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. That doesn't lessen the initial shock and grief. Right now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "how do I get rid of this pain?" The answer is, you don't. You let time help you ease yourself. 

I love walking right at sunrise 🌄 because it's just a beautiful thing to witness coming up over the mountains and there is always this hazy, mysterious clouds looming overheard. It's very calming and helps start the day with a peaceful mind.

It also helps if you shift your focus. You're focusing your pain into them & what they're doing, what they say, why did they break up… Focus that into what you can do for yourself, what you deserve, how you can keep moving forward.

That will come in time based on what motivates you.

[catfeeder]

I agree that time can heal grief, except that it depends on what you do with the time. Healing isn’t something that just happens for us, it requires our participation. If you drill yourself deeper into woes, that digs you into a deeper hole hole to climb out of. So do beliefs that one person’s rejection is a reflection on you rather than a limitation in them or an inability to view you through the right lens.

Most people are not our match. That’s natural odds and it explains why we can value and even love some people as friendly acquaintances but only a few rare people as close friends. So same will be true of romantic prospects. That’s why we date—to learn whether someone will make a good partner forever, or as with most people, they’re best enjoyed temporarily or not at all.

Healing is a decision to value your Self and to be on your own side rather than work against yourself. Head high.

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, dranel15 said:

and i really feel like i made a mistake by telling her that if she really loves me she would not want something else we she said it would be the best option if we broke up and we did and an hour later i reached out to her that it would be cool if we work on this but after 2 days after that she ghosted me for 2 weeks and told me we cant be together anymore

I am going to guess that you're young, with this being your first gf.

I am sorry you're hurting so much, I get your pains 😞 .  But, we can't 'make' anyone love us. And it's not worth living a lie.

Honestly, it sounds like she just wasn't that into this relationship, then by all means, yes, move on. 

Someone who does really care for you will try to work things out.... But, yah, sometimes things fall apart and we just have to work on accepting.  Believe me, there will be more in time 😉 .

It's common for our first relationship to hit us hard, as we feel so lost & overwhelmed.

All you should do is wish her the best.  This next one may not be for her.. or the one after that. We never know.

Keep up with your journaling, hang with friends, Get out there & get some air. Take a walk, get into a sport or hobby.  And in time, you will realize you're not thinking of her as much - which is good! 

But, do NOT reach out again. When you feel that urge, you walk away from all of that and keep busy doing other things and this is also where journaling helps. Say it all there, that you want to say to her.. and just get thru that moment.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, dranel15 said:

this is my first breakup this hurts like hell because i keep thinking to myself that where did i go wrong i tried my very best to make her happy i really wanted it to be her. i really hope that she'll comeback someday but it's very likely that she'll not. and im getting tempted to reach her out :((

Hello @dranel15 first off I 100% concur with everything everyone has said thus far.  

Re the bolded, please understand you did NOT do anything "wrong," she is attracted to women and still would be regardless of how you treated her.  Can you understand that?

I wouldn't even view this as a rejection because she did not reject YOU, she rejected your entire gender as far as romance goes anyway, why?  Because again she is attracted to women. 

We could debate this until the cows come home but it's in her DNA, it's not specific to what you did or how you treated her or how any man treats her.

I think it's OK to miss her!   You loved her after all and you're human.  Instead of fighting that emotion and allowing it to emotionally destroy you, why not embrace it, feel it, let all that emotion rise to the surface so it can be released?  Cry, scream, go to gym and knock the hell out of a punching bag, go for a hard run, whatever you need to do.  But don't fight the pain, don't try to bury it, that is the worst thing you could ever do.  

Once released into the Universe or whatever your beliefs are, it's then you will be able to move on and look back on your time with her as a positive experience, one from which you learned and grew and cherish the memories.

In time you will find your "person" (hopefully hetero 🙂 ) who will love you the way you need and deserve to be loved and you love her as well.

I hope you feel better soon and wish you all the best as you move forward on your journey.

((Hugs)) 💛

 

[ShySoul]

You don't get rid of the pain. It hurts like hell. You second guess everything. You spend hours crying. You miss her and want her back. You dream of holding her again. You have fantasies that it will all work and she will come to you and say she made a mistake and wants only you. You pretend to have the happy ever after. You get angry at her for hurting you. You try to rationalize everything. You make bargains with yourself about how you'll change and be better for her. You try to distract yourself. You do a hundred other little things to try to feel better. Some days you will. Some days you won't.

But every single thing is okay. Every feeling is valid. 

Doesn't matter if it's the first breakup or number one hundred, it hurts. And that hurt is okay. It is part of the healing, part of the growing. Everyone will experience it differently. What matters is making sure to take the time to really feel it. Embrace those emotions and experience it. You will come out stronger for it in the end. 

Little by little you start to pick yourself up. It's not a straight line. Some days you will fall back and feel worse. But you will push forward one day at a time. And one day you will suddenly realize it isn't hurting. You'll feel better without even knowing it happens. It might take months, but it happens. 

Hope that day will come for you soon.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But don't fight the pain, don't try to bury it, that is the worst thing you could ever do.  

Once released into the Universe or whatever your beliefs are, it's then you will be able to move on and look back on your time with her as a positive experience, one from which you learned and grew and cherish the memories.

Reading my mind again Rainbows. 

That's how it works. Once I felt the pain I was able to look back on the time with her as something positive. Even if I was hurt in some ways, the good times still stand out more and will always be cherished memories.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, ShySoul said:

Reading my mind again Rainbows. 

That's how it works. Once I felt the pain I was able to look back on the time with her as something positive. Even if I was hurt in some ways, the good times still stand out more and will always be cherished memories.

Or you're reading mine OR perhaps, for the second day in a row, we are on the same wavelength!! 😂

 

 

[ShySoul]

On 7/24/2024 at 3:33 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

Or you're reading mine OR perhaps, for the second day in a row, we are on the same wavelength!! 😂

Hmm... this could be habit forming. Perhaps we've unknowingly developed a psychic bond and are now linked. Perhaps we've crossed over into the Twilight Zone. If this continues we might want to work out some kind of schedule so we can each have time for private thoughts. Don't want to cross any boundaries. 😅

 

[ShySoul]

On 7/24/2024 at 12:32 AM, dranel15 said:

this is my first breakup this hurts like hell because i keep thinking to myself that where did i go wrong i tried my very best to make her happy i really wanted it to be her. i really hope that she'll comeback someday but it's very likely that she'll not

Dranel, you did nothing wrong. You can do everything right, be the best partner you can possible be, and it still doesn't work out. If she is more interested in women, you were fighting a losing battle from the start. Don't let it get to you.

You care for her, right? Want her to be happy? Then hope she will find someone that can make her as happy as you would want her to be. And have faith that there is someone out there that will make you equally as happy. 

Everybody hurts. Everybody has their heart broken in some way. Everyone says they won't get over it and that they can never find someone else. Yet, everyone does. At your age, you have nothing but time to find someone. And you will.