You can learn a lot about someone by what they lack

[SherrySher]

If they are constantly shifting the blame onto you, or others, they lack accountability.

If they are accusing you of always trying to start arguments, they lack communication skills.

If they call you too sensitive, they lack emotional intelligence.

And lastly, if they aren't making an effort such as calling or texting first, checking in to see how you are.  If they aren't using words or actions to make you feel important to them on a daily, they lack true interest in you.

What are your thoughts?

 

[Kwothe28]

Its true that a lot of people use projection and deflection when it comes to their communication. Lots of people lack accountability. So, when faced with a possibility they are at fault, they would do anything to say how they arent.

I dont fully agree about the last. I think a lot of people also makes too much assumptions about interest. We had one woman on Forum who made a big deal about her date not asking has she got home OK. Even though I think they lived in a same building or something like that. People give too much importance to stuff it just dont matter sometimes. If your partner is in relationship with you and relationship is going in the right direction, dont think stuff like calling or texting first is that important since its clear there is an interest to continue the relationship. Although I do agree that they could be a gauge sometimes.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

If they are constantly shifting the blame onto you, or others, they lack accountability.

If they are accusing you of always trying to start arguments, they lack communication skills.

If they call you too sensitive, they lack emotional intelligence.

And lastly, if they aren't making an effort such as calling or texting first, checking in to see how you are.  If they aren't using words or actions to make you feel important to them on a daily, they lack true interest in you.

What are your thoughts?

 

My thoughts are it's most often not that clear cut with "always" and often it's a good idea to check oneself to see is it really "always" or are you not noticing when the person does behave in a thoughtful way? Also sometimes it's not a lack in the person generally but simply a bad dynamic between the people involved.  The last one is contextual - depends on so many factors.  Daily isn't always possible and daily can reflect sort of autopilot not  true caring. 

And no one is responsible for "making me feel" because I can tell my son I love him but he might hear it without enthusiasm or not even hear it because he's engrossed in a video game so I didn't "make him feel" loved -my intention - even though I tried.  My son might ask for reassurance and I'll say -didn't I just tell you (X) and he'll recall that oh yeah you did! I spent 40 minutes making him a rather simple lunch because I sliced and diced fresh veggies and fruit.  He received a plate with all of this - did I "make him feel" loved with my actions of making his lunch healthful when I could have been like - nahhh I'll just skip the fresh fruit salad- too much work - I mean maybe over time -he realizes wow this didn't just materialize my mom thought of me and my health but so much of what I do as a mom is what they call invisible labor.  Yet he told me the other night he loves when I say goodnight to him because I "smell so good" - I put on aromatherapy lotion -for me -not to "make him feel" anything but yet he does.  See how nuanced and contextual it is?

We had a terrible accident last week -our huge bathroom mirror randomly shattered 30 minutes after I'd been in there when I was almost asleep.  It was like a crime scene but minus all the blood we could have had. 

My husband randomly had to leave early the next morning for a full day and night out of town conference.  I had to get my son up and  to camp before calling for assistance in cleaning up the huge amount of sheets and shards of glass. I was so stressed. I told my son quietly "please get ready with no drama -I am very stressed about what happened but I don't want dad to feel stressed as he has  this important conference today and I want him to be able to focus.". 

I called our maintenance people, I had to make sure they cleaned up the glass, etc.  And do all the other stuff- like my job! And pick up my son.

My husband texted me that day -zero times.  I would have liked to hear something like "how did it go??" But he was in work/travel mode.  I sent him a quick follow up email on the status.

  Guess what -he cared A LOT.  He knew I had it under control.  He was busy with his work.  When he came home tired he hung out with our son.  This is us as a couple -I shielded him from my stress and sleep loss and he trusted me with "you got this" and assumed if I needed to be in touch with a follow up issue I would be.  He's a guy. 

I think my girl friends would have followed up that day "are you okkkkk????".  Different strokes.  No way am I going to buy into "oh he doesn't care that I might be stressed about this extra chaos on a day he is away and I have to pick up my son during a rain storm from the camp he is not that thrilled with then make his lunch for next day and dinner for him."  It's far more contextual and nuanced.  Yes if he'd been out for the day doing a big box store run or meeting a buddy for lunch perhaps different. 

And someone else -some other spouse might be horrified that her husband didn't bother to check in or horrified that he went to a work conference when there was glass all over the bathroom floor.  Or horrified that he didn't text every hour cause she expects him to no matter what.  Then maybe I'd say -IMHO -that spouse lacks emotional intelligence and is immature and has unrealistic expectation.  But I wouldn't.  Why? Because what works for one couple or family might not work for another. 

Like one poster has written many times -interrupting is SO rude and reflects all sorts of nasty traits.  But how I grew up - everyone interrupts each other constantly and most often it's just how we roll -not rude.  I do NOT interrupt professionally and actually I've greatly decreased my tendency to interrupt and I don't anymore for various reasons.  But I laugh at the notion of a family sitting around and not interrupting because it's sooooo "rude".  

[Cherylyn]

Constantly shifting blame onto you or others and they lack accountability = Gaslighting which I abhor.  ☹️  For years,  I didn't know what gaslighting was despite being gaslit for the greater part of my life.  After educating myself regarding human psychology,  I've discovered gaslighting to be in a narcissist's classic bag of tricks.  It's the oldest psychological manipulative warfare there is.

This happened to me recently.  I was told some condescending, gaslighting comments.  I don't like enablers and flying monkeys.  I've since pumped the brakes on the relationship and they've taken notice.  Oh well.  What goes around comes around.  🙄

Again,  they accuse you of starting arguments,  it's not only lacking communication skills but anytime there is deflection and forcing you to change your perception of the facts,  it's the same old gaslighting starting all over again.  For those who are not in tuned with gaslighting and hadn't learned street smarts yet,  gaslighting works because it's deliberately meant to confuse you and doubt your reality.

This happened to me in the past.  I've learned to simply walk away from the relationship.  You can't deal with stupidity.  😒

If they call you too sensitive,  again,  more gaslighting and gaslighting tactics are signs of being inept regarding emotional intelligence or aka (also known as) empathy.

Yes,  I've been called too sensitive.  I no longer defend myself because I don't have to.  I simply permanently eliminate certain people from my life and if it's impossible,  I enforce very strong boundaries with them and it works splendidly.

Gaslighters are not bright people.  They think they can manipulate the dialogue and narrative but eventually people figure them out much to their chagrin.  They're famous for exploiting others until victims catch on and learn to no longer become vulnerable to narcissists' typical tactics,  maneuvers and strategies. 

Lastly,  it's not a race who initiates texting first.  If we waited around for someone else to text first,  no would text and check how how anyone is.  For example,  I've texted:  "I arrived home safely.  Good night."   I've done it many times before.  No harm,  no foul.  Also,  I don't expect relentless communication on the daily and if anything,  I actually enjoy the break from texting back 'n forth.  I don't make it a habit to bother people and I hope they don't bother me because I don't want to be chained to my cellphone 24 / 7.  In fact,  my cell phone is turned OFF early in the evening everyday.  People in my life show true interest without bombarding me with electronic correspondence and vice versa.   With local friends,  local relatives and my husband,  days or many days will go by without texting and we're all mutually relieved and fine with it.  Too much screen time is a huge time trap and you can't get anything done. 

Btw, the definition of emotional intelligence is placing yourself in other people's shoes,  feeling for them and treating them the way you would want to be treated.  It's about treating people with respect.  Unfortunately, a great many people don't know what emotional intelligence is even if it hit them on the head.  😩

Those are my thoughts @SherrySher 😊

 

 

[Coily]

6 hours ago, SherrySher said:

If they are constantly shifting the blame onto you, or others, they lack accountability.

I think this is generally true.

6 hours ago, SherrySher said:

f they are accusing you of always trying to start arguments, they lack communication skills.

This one I see as a bit harder to swallow, as there are people who just can't interact well with one or two specific people. It's also possible that they take issue with the tone that conversations happen.

7 hours ago, SherrySher said:

If they call you too sensitive, they lack emotional intelligence.

I think this can be a bit of a trap, possibly self sabotage in an interpersonal situation. Some people are far too sensitive, just as some are far more cold blooded. I personally think this is a poor measure of someone, if you don't have enough self awareness of your own foibles.

7 hours ago, SherrySher said:

if they aren't making an effort such as calling or texting first, checking in to see how you are.  If they aren't using words or actions to make you feel important to them on a daily, they lack true interest in you.

Daily is wildly much, invasive if you aren't married. To me this feels controlling and a very high bar. My GF and I, while we text regularly there is no expectation or demand. We go for days and we don't care about the regularity or who starts. Sometimes one of us initiate and the other responds, not a good time; then we'll forget for several days and laugh about it. If she didn't have true interest in me, I doubt we'd be still together.

I don't think you're wrong in the broad strokes, but I think this has to be done on a case by case basis; everyone has their quirks and expectations. I think damning someone when they just don't click with an individual is a lack of perspective.

I like this kind of thought provoking topic, thanks!

[Cherylyn]

My thoughts (again): 

Let's say you present facts to a person regarding an offense given.  They shift blame and refuse to take accountability for it.  It's gaslighting because they're not owning it,  will never take responsibility for what they've done to you and you end up entangled in inane vicious circles with no resolution in sight.  This screams stupidity because there is no humble admittance,  no sincere apology offered for wrongdoing and no one gets anywhere.  These types of relationships (or friendships) are senseless and hopeless.  You might as well talk to a wall because it's the same result:  Nothing.  They shift blame because you are supposed to be perceived as the nut case and not they.  Narcissists are a very shady,  tricky,  sneaky lot.  They've since had a lot of practice with gullible types.  It's best to avoid them like the plague because they're nothing but risky,  dangerous people to get entangled with.  ☹️

If they accuse you of trying to start arguments,  it's not just a lack of communication skills here.  It's a way for them not to deal with uncomfortable subjects they do not wish to address and they do not want to be shamed because they're above the law of human decency.  They're throwing it back onto your face and making you look like the troublemaker because you don't play along to get along.  You don't put up and shut up and how dare you stand up for your principles?  Accusing you of starting arguments is a narcissist's way of shutting you down and guess what?  It works and the only way to end this mental abuse is to eliminate the narcissist from your life.  Cut them off, go no contact forever,  block them and let them know you don't put up with their _______.  💩 

When they call you too sensitive,  again this is a gaslighting label deliberately made to make you look like a fool and not they.  They're deflecting and forcing you to change your perception of the facts.  Any time a person tells you that everyone has foibles including you or nobody's perfect including you,  the narcissist deserves to be eliminated from your life.  Narcissists are incapable of feeling for you and inept at placing themselves in your shoes.  Narcissists exhibit childlike behavior because they never grew up and they're an extremely self centered lot.  You feel as if you're dealing with the town idiot.  😒   It's the same as a narcissist telling you that you took it the wrong way.  Tell them to go soak their head.  😰

Enablers and flying monkeys are just as bad as narcissists.  Best to disengage and find freedom instead.  They're out.  It's a done deal.   It's a tremendous relief and the weight of the world is suddenly lifted from your shoulders. 

Whenever you don't click with someone,  there's lack of empathy or narcissism or both between two parties.  Sometimes extra people such as enablers and flying monkeys.  Nonetheless,  there's a reason why two people don't click and usually it's because both of them are not on the same page regarding how to treat each other with kindness,  grace and common sense respect.  In my experience,  some people do all the giving while others have no qualms doing all the taking in a relationship.

As for texting and checking up on people,  one needs to exercise common sense and discretion.  People can be interested in each other without constant texting or electronic correspondence.  If anything,  engaging in relentless texting (or emails / messaging / voice mails / phone chats) on the daily is fatiguing,  taxing,  irritating,  a burden and imposition.  People's space and boundaries need to be respected and honored.  Too much familiarity breeds contempt.  🤨

 

 

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

I think this is generally true.

This one I see as a bit harder to swallow, as there are people who just can't interact well with one or two specific people. It's also possible that they take issue with the tone that conversations happen.

I think this can be a bit of a trap, possibly self sabotage in an interpersonal situation. Some people are far too sensitive, just as some are far more cold blooded. I personally think this is a poor measure of someone, if you don't have enough self awareness of your own foibles.

Daily is wildly much, invasive if you aren't married. To me this feels controlling and a very high bar. My GF and I, while we text regularly there is no expectation or demand. We go for days and we don't care about the regularity or who starts. Sometimes one of us initiate and the other responds, not a good time; then we'll forget for several days and laugh about it. If she didn't have true interest in me, I doubt we'd be still together.

I don't think you're wrong in the broad strokes, but I think this has to be done on a case by case basis; everyone has their quirks and expectations. I think damning someone when they just don't click with an individual is a lack of perspective.

I like this kind of thought provoking topic, thanks!

Coily, woo hoo you are seeing someone 🙂 I'm happy for you. I almost missed it, you snuck it in there lol. 

 

[Coily]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Coily, woo hoo you are seeing someone 🙂 I'm happy for you. I almost missed it, you snuck it in there lol. 

 

Been a few months too, thanks!

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Daily is wildly much, invasive if you aren't married. To me this feels controlling and a very high bar. My GF and I, while we text regularly there is no expectation or demand. We go for days and we don't care about the regularity or who starts. Sometimes one of us initiate and the other responds, not a good time; then we'll forget for several days and laugh about it. If she didn't have true interest in me, I doubt we'd be still together.

^^I agree and it's how my guy and I interact as well.   We both dislike "shoulds" and making broad generalizations such as the man should "always" text/call first, check in daily, etc.  These gestures can come off contrived to some people and are subjective.

Every couple should define what's best for them as a couple and individually.  There is no one size fits all.

I also don't mind when my guy sometimes mentions I am being "too sensitive."  And it's not always during a discussion we have had, it could be about anything. 

Why don't I mind?  Because HECK, sometimes I AM too sensitive, I own that.  And I appreciate him bringing it to my attention, so I can address it within myself. 

I never never once viewed it as him "gaslighting" me or whatever.  And sometimes HE gets too "wound up" about stuff and I might mention that to him!

Although such comments can sometimes be said to gaslight but NOT always.  Again such broad generalizations I try to stay away from.

 

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Coily, woo hoo you are seeing someone 🙂 I'm happy for you. I almost missed it, you snuck it in there lol. 

I second this!   That is so nice to hear. 😍  

[mylolita]

Don’t want to sidetrack, but have to agree with others! Congratulations @Coily ya saucemaster you!!! 
 

Hopefully in another year or two you’ll be slipping in the fact you got hitched!!! 
 

All the best! 🫢♥️

[Cherylyn]

I agree @SherrySher.  You learn a lot from what people lack.  They lack empathy.  In a naive world,  you hope,  wish and pray 🙏 they'll change to be a better person but alas,  it isn't so.  You might as well wish for the moon on your doorstep.  It is a hopeless,  senseless reality check.  It's better not to expect others to abide by gracious human decency.  You can't teach an old dog new tricks.  My answer is easy.  I either eliminate them from my life or enforce extremely strong,  safeguard type boundaries.  In the past,  I've since exhausted all other avenues to no avail.  What I do works splendidly. 👍 😉

Funny how being called 'too sensitive' or calling someone 'too sensitive' can strike a nerve.  It doesn't seem to phase the person who is calling someone 'too sensitive.'  However,  when the tables are turned,  some people can dish it out but they can't take it.  Hence,  there are two sets of rules here.  🙄 If the shoe's on the other foot,  the person being called 'too sensitive' after calling another person 'too sensitive,'  all of a sudden doesn't apply to them.  Once a person gets a taste of their own medicine and gets their feathers  ruffled,  they don't like how it feels.   Hmmm.  🫢  Funny how that works.

If a child or adult is bullied and they're called 'too sensitive,'  they're supposed to blindly accept this assessment yet when another parent's child is bullied,  suddenly,  they're 'too sensitive?'  What the heck?  Or, when another adult is bullied or harassed,  it's considered fine that they're labeled as 'too sensitive.'  Then when that same person tells another adult that they're 'too sensitive' after being bullied and harassed and the victim is supposed to be ok with it?   Two sets of rules! 

There have been instances where I've been called 'too sensitive,'  'took it the wrong way,'  blah,  blah,  blah.  Then when it was my turn to tell that same person they're 'too sensitive' and 'took it the wrong way,'  suddenly,  they did not like it.  ☹️ They had no qualms dispensing the same treatment and statement to others yet they disapproved when it was dished right back at them.  Funny how that works.  🤣  There is something hypocritical about that because mutual behavior is suddenly unacceptable for many.  Hmmm.  🤔

Other times, I've witnessed a person being told 'sorry you feel that way' while short of a humble,  sincere apology and expected to feel sufficed.  Then the next time when the same person was told by the other person, "Sorry you feel that way" again short of an actual "I'm sorry for what I've done to you,  I was wrong and I feel terrible for the pain I've caused you .  .  ." in person expression of remorse,  it was met with disdain,  disapproval and disgust.  😒  Again,  two sets of rules here;  one for you and another rule for me.  Different rules apply to different people according to hypocrites.  They don't like it when suddenly they have to walk a mile in your shoes.  Hmmm. 

I can catch a whiff of a gaslighter from a mile away and they sure do stink! 🫢 Let them own it when they're experiencing distress while it's my turn to bring it to  their  attention regarding how sensitive they are.  Suddenly,  they'll be singing a different tune.  🤨  I'd love to watch them address it then.  Go ahead!  😆

It's best to be sensitive to others regarding how they feel and respect how they feel even though you may not agree with them.   It's not always what you say but  how  you say it.  Practice tact.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It's best to be sensitive to others regarding how they feel and respect how they feel even though you may not agree with them.   It's not always what you say but  how  you say it. 

Absolutely. And I'm not going to be accused of something I did not say or where it's taken so far out of whack/out of recognition that sensitive or not or whatever there is no way it ever could have been taken that way including how I said it.  Depending on the situation I still will express that I am sorry the person is hurting/offended, etc.  

For example- accusing someone of copying someone on an email when that person was not copied such that -if the accuser was correct and you had, then the words of the email would take on a different import, a different sort of message.  Sure you say you can "prove" you didn't -unless the email is gone and/or the person assumes you bcc'd the person.  That is not "speech" but it sure is communication especially in today's world.  

I was once accused of laughing at someone's comment on FB.  Because I clicked on the laugh emoji instead of the thumbs up emoji by accident.  It wasn't like I laughed at a tragedy but for sure it would have been offensive had I laughed at what she wrote.  Except it was a mistake-one which I rectified when it was pointed out.  So -really? I'm supposed to apologize for intentionally laughing at someone? Same can happen in public -you laugh at a joke at dinner with a group and someone assumes you were laughing at them -but you weren't. 

Many years ago my friend's father suddenly passed away.  She was bereft, flattened -of course! She asked me to please call a number of our mutual friends about funeral arrangements so she could attend to her mother and -you know -everything! Of course I did. I called our old friend M from school. M said -why didn't she call me herself?? I explained -well -she is grieving and she wanted me to spread the word about her father's passing and when the funeral will be.  Well -M was - offended.  That she hadn't been called personally.  And refused to go.  So - my grieving friend was supposed to -apologize?? If I remember correctly I simply told my friend that M could not make it - no way was I going to share that information with my grieving friend.  

So yes there are many examples where I might say "I hear that you are offended that you didn't receive a personal invitation to the funeral but that's not how it was intended." If that is gaslighting so be it.  

[Cherylyn]

@Batya33 Gaslighting is forcing you to change your perception of the facts,  deflecting,  changing the subject,  distorting what you've said and meant to deliberately confuse you to throw you off course.  Then you start questioning your validity and sanity.  It's wild making confusion at its finest.  For the longest time,  years in fact,  I fell into many a gaslighter's trance.  Gaslighting is twisting your words and you're left defending yourself in order to clear your name.  Not anymore.  I'm onto them and their sick games.   It's a narcissist's classic trick and they've had tons of practice.  Gaslighters truly exhibit their mental illness. 

Calling someone 'too sensitive'  Well,  let's see .  .  .  You are experiencing a bad autoimmune disorder and adverse side effects from potent drugs.  I call you 'too sensitive.'  I'm sure that would go over very well.  🙄  You're experiencing terrible migraine headaches as you describe your excruciating pain in your brain while I'll tell you, "You're too sensitive!"  You've lost a lot of money and clearly upset.  I tell you, "You're too sensitive!  Get over it!  You need thicker skin!"  You're unemployed and depressed and I tell you, "You're too sensitive!"  You are a SAHM and I tell you that you eat bonbons all day and you're offended.  I tell you, "Well,  I'm sorry you feel this way and you took it the wrong way.  You're too sensitive!"  You are fraught with worry over losing a loved one across the country and I tell you, "You're too sensitive!"  Someone lied,  cheated,  stole,  deceived or betrayed you and I tell you,  "You're too sensitive!"  It's really funny how people have no qualms telling you how sensitive you are but when it's my turn to dispense the same treatment by telling them 'you're too sensitive,'  suddenly they do not like it.  Again,  two sets of rules always.  😒

 

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Calling someone 'too sensitive'  Well,  let's see .  .  .  You are experiencing a bad autoimmune disorder and adverse side effects from potent drugs.  I call you 'too sensitive.'  I'm sure that would go over very well.  🙄  You're experiencing terrible migraine headaches as you describe your excruciating pain in your brain while I'll tell you, "You're too sensitive!"  You've lost a lot of money and clearly upset.  I tell you, "You're too sensitive!  Get over it!  You need thicker skin!"  You're unemployed and depressed and I tell you, "You're too sensitive!"  You are a SAHM and I tell you that you eat bonbons all day and you're offended.  I tell you, "Well,  I'm sorry you feel this way and you took it the wrong way.  You're too sensitive!"  You are fraught with worry over losing a loved one across the country and I tell you, "You're too sensitive!"  Someone lied,  cheated,  stole,  deceived or betrayed you and I tell you,  "You're too sensitive!"  It's really funny how people have no qualms telling you how sensitive you are but when it's my turn to dispense the same treatment by telling them 'you're too sensitive,'  suddenly they do not like it.  Again,  two sets of rules always.  😒

It's funny that I never experienced being called "too sensitive" in these^ contexts.  Has this happened to you personally?   If so, I am sorry to hear that!   It's a form abuse IMO and totally uncalled for and cruel.

If I ever did experience it, my response might be "I'm too sensitive?  How about you're an a**hole."   And walk out.

I would never want to associate with such person again and that's on ME.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's funny that I never experienced being called "too sensitive" in these^ contexts.  Has this happened to you personally?   If so, I am sorry to hear that!   It's a form abuse IMO and totally uncalled for and cruel.

If I ever did experience it, my response might be "I'm too sensitive?  How about you're an a**hole."   And walk out.

I would never want to associate with such person again and that's on ME.

 

 

@rainbowsandroses Whenever a person is called 'too sensitive,'  they too need to accept and be prepared to be called 'too sensitive' when it's their turn to receive the same criticism or description.   They can dish it out but they can't take it.  😒  And yes,  I've either experienced it personally or observed others calling out others as being 'too sensitive.'  However,  it was not received well when it was dispensed likewise.  It's hypocritical whenever there are two sets of rules for each person;  one for them and one for you or me.  😐

[SherrySher]

On 7/23/2024 at 2:16 PM, mylolita said:

Don’t want to sidetrack, but have to agree with others! Congratulations @Coily ya saucemaster you!!! 
 

Hopefully in another year or two you’ll be slipping in the fact you got hitched!!! 
 

All the best! 🫢♥️

Ha, Lo, you've already started picturing the wedding. 😆❤️

No pressure, Coily. Congrats!! 🥰

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Ha, Lo, you've already started picturing the wedding. 😆❤️

No pressure, Coily. Congrats!! 🥰

LOL! 
 

Apologies apologies I’m getting ahead 🤣

 

Just want an invite, basically - hint hint 😆 I love a good union 🥹🥹🥹

 

x

[SherrySher]

On 7/26/2024 at 2:06 AM, mylolita said:

LOL! 
 

Apologies apologies I’m getting ahead 🤣

 

Just want an invite, basically - hint hint 😆 I love a good union 🥹🥹🥹

 

x

You're the best, Lo. x

[Cherylyn]

Being called 'too sensitive' is gaslighting.  Instead of focusing on the issue at hand,  it's deflecting away from the subject and accusing you of having a problem within yourself.  This leaves you second guessing and doubting yourself which is exactly what the gaslighter's intention is with you.  Gaslighting is changing your perception of the facts.  It's made to deliberately throw you off track by confusing you.  It's the oldest,  ugliest psychological warfare and trick there is.  Never fall for it otherwise a gaslighter is playing you for a fool.

People can call you sensitive,  judgmental is another one I've heard recently,  'nobody's perfect including you,' is yet another gaslighting phrase and I've heard it all.  It's all disgusting.  It's best to dump gaslighters like yesterday's trash. 

Anytime you catch a whiff of a gaslighter,  run for the hills.  They'll only grind you down until you either raise your white flag,  grovel,  acquiesce,  capitulate or if you're smart,  bolt because they're a waste of your life. 

Gaslighting is control over you.  A gaslighter controls the narrative and dialogue and you either play along to get along or get smart and do something about it.  My motto?  I'm not playing.  I also don't take 💩 and neither should you @SherrySher

People who lack emotional intelligence are masters at gaslighting.  It only took me almost a lifetime to figure this out.  🙄 ☹️ 🤨  Gaslighters are not worth the dirt underneath your feet.  👣 🦶 🦶 💩

Yes indeed.  You most certainly learn a lot about what a person lacks and you learn what they're capable of doing to you.  Whenever they cross that line with you,  it's over.

[mylolita]

On 8/23/2024 at 8:40 AM, SherrySher said:

You're the best, Lo. x

You’re so sweet Sherry! 
 

☺️ x

[ShySoul]

On 7/23/2024 at 8:19 AM, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  I've been called too sensitive.  I no longer defend myself because I don't have to.  I simply permanently eliminate certain people from my life and if it's impossible,  I enforce very strong boundaries with them and it works splendidly.

Hey Cherylyn. I've been called that as well. My best friend has particularly struggled with that as well. It's annoying and something that has hurt both of us. She is especially is a highly sensitive person. There's nothing wrong with it. It's part of who we are.

Sorry you've gone through this. I agree, it's gaslighting and it's horrible of others. Don't defend yourself because you have nothing to defend. Just don't associate with those people.

You might like this site. It touches acceptance of sensitive people and gives them encouragement rather then tells them something is wrong and they need to change themselves.

https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/

[rainbowsandroses]

I think in some cases, perhaps even most, when talking, disagreeing or arguing with your partner, or anyone, it IS a form of gaslighting and a way to essentially shut you down. And it's cruel! 

However in other cases, and I speak from experience also being a HSP, I was being too sensitive at the time, not in relation to anything my partner was doing or saying but in general when reacting to a certain situation whatever that may be.

I often appreciated when a loved one pointed out to me, kindly, that I might be perceiving a situation, at work, with a friend or anyone really, too sensitively and suggested I try to reframe it in my mind so I didn't feel so hurt by it (the situation).

My therapist used to tell me this too and have read it in books about HSP as my perceptions were often based on my anxiety and sensitivity and I often felt hurt whereas I really should not have been.

Thank goodness I can tell the difference between when it's gaslighting and when it's genuinely trying to be helpful to keep me grounded.

Being HSP is often NOT easy, it's a real struggle sometimes.

Even on this forum I have to check myself sometimes and have been known too delete threads or leave a thread based on me reacting "too sensitively.""

No one has to tell me, I know it! 

On my own. 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think in some cases, perhaps even most, when talking, disagreeing or arguing with your partner, or anyone, it IS a form of gaslighting and a way to essentially shut you down. And it's cruel! 

However in other cases, and I speak from experience also being a HSP, I was being too sensitive at the time, not in relation to anything my partner was doing or saying but in general when reacting to a certain situation whatever that may be.

I often appreciated when a loved one pointed out to me, kindly, that I might be perceiving a situation, at work, with a friend or anyone really, too sensitively and suggested I try to reframe it in my mind so I didn't feel so hurt by it (the situation).

My therapist used to tell me this too and have read it in books about HSP as my perceptions were often based on my anxiety and sensitivity and I often felt hurt whereas I really should not have been.

Thank goodness I can tell the difference between when it's gaslighting and when it's genuinely trying to be helpful to keep me grounded.

Being HSP is often NOT easy, it's a real struggle sometimes.

Even on this forum I have to check myself sometimes and have been known too delete threads or leave a thread based on me reacting "too sensitively.""

No one has to tell me, I know it! 

On my own. 

 

 

It's not always what you say,  it's how you say it.  If it's directed harshly or with an undertone of unkindness,  it's gaslighting.  If you're treated with empathy,  then it can be helpful but it really depends on the delivery. 

Gaslighting is often used to make you feel defeated,  unworthy and as if your values and principles don't matter.  Often times,  the perpetrator will force you to believe there is something wrong with you instead of addressing the problem.  This tactic's purpose is to deflect from the issue and causes you to doubt your perceptions.  It's a sneaky,  nasty trick.  ☹️

Telling a person 'you're too sensitive' can be explained as 'you need thicker skin' meaning don't allow the perpetrator to get the best of you;  often times because they're not worth associating with you.  Again,  it all depends on wording which can make or break intent and how it is received. 

[ShySoul]

Key word there rainbows is kindly.

There are too many who aren't kind about it. They see sensitivity as a weakness or they dismiss it. They find ways to use it against you. And being sensitive, it impacts you more. And that can carry with you for years, especially when it starts in childhood.

There is a balance to talking in such a way as to help reframe a situation or to calm a person's nerves while still acknowledging there right to feel it, even when most might consider it "too sensitive."  I've found most aren't used to it or skilled in the art.

What my HSP roommate has told me has helped and that she appreciates from me is that I don't approach things from a judgement with her (as she's had to deal with from so many). I try to relate to her feelings and validate them. Once she feels heard and understood, I suggest alternatives to dealing with whatever it is.

Which is what I think is the best way to deal with things period. If a person is upset or has a problem, half the time they are just looking to be heard. So just hear them out. Take the person for who they are, where they are at that point of time. Then nudge them to see a different perspective.

You catch more flies with honey.

But yes, being an HSP is a struggle. And it's a lot easier to know what you should do, then it is to actually do it.

[Cherylyn]

Another criticism - gaslighting phrase I've heard in person lately was this:  "You're passing judgement"  blah,  blah,  blah.  It makes you look at the speaker as if they're stupid.  Again,  it's deflecting from the original offense and placing blame onto YOU.  This type of typical gaslighting leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  🤢

Anytime a person lacks emotional intelligence,  they're a lost cause,  a waste of your time,  energy and resources. 

Move onto people who matter and who know how to treat you right.