Who should I choose?

[yari]

I'll call them Guy A and B.

I have been talking to Guy A for a while. We haven't met up yet however we are planning on meeting up as soon as he starts university in my area in about a month. This man is respectful, trustworthy and the most sweetest thing ever. He is always honest to me and makes me happy.  He expresses his love to me by notes which is amazing. I just know as soon as we meet we're going to vibe. He did meet his ex-girlfriend online and they lasted a pretty long time. She broke up with him because she said he was "boring" and she "lost interest" The two things that I'm worried about is that we would be interfaith and he is more submissive. He is a Hindu and I am an Agnostic Theist. I am not really religious but my family is Muslim. Guy A loves being submissive in romantic and sexual situations which I don't mind SOMETIMES but I am someone who is mostly submissive. I feel like that's why his ex-girlfriend left him because he is extremely submissive and rarely dominant. Guy A is also super into his work. He may not be super handsome but he has the most amazing personality ever.

Guy B is a man that lives in Canada. We've met up a few times and he always makes me feel like an actual princess. He makes me feel like I'm in love. He is willing to fly out to me like he has many times. The sex is so amazing and he is super dominant romantically and sexually. I love the fact that he's far away and he can come. I love that he is always sexual and he turns me on tremendously.  Guy B has a career, loves animals, is protective over me, loves PDA, gets along with my family, can cook well, spoils and surprises me and shows me off like a trophy. He is a Agnostic Theist as well with a Muslim family. I adore a man who will go above and beyond for me and treat me how I should be treated. I don't think anything is wrong with him. The only thing that I don't like is that I feel like I like the idea of him. I think this man is actually physically more attractive than Guy A but Guy A is just going to be closer and not only that, I have known Guy A longer.  

[ShySoul]

What do want the relationship to be based on - the emotional or the physical?

If you want emotional, its guy A. His strength is in the personality. If you want physical, its guy B. Everything you described about him centers on the external  - how he looks, sex, that he spoils you and treats you like a trophy.

Guy A is the kind of guy you build a lasting relationship with. The other things can fade with time, but where he will shine is in the things that last. And the supposedly submissive guys can surprise you given the chance.

You however, seem more interested in B. You seem to want to be the princess swept off her feet by the handsome and commanding man. Not saying you are wrong for that. Its your choice and everyone has a different preference. Just recognize that sometimes the fairytale isn't always happy ever after.

 

[chess103]

hmmm that depends what you want long term. honestly, I didn't see any major red flags with Guy B. I was waiting to hear something off putting but didn't sense too much. I feel like yes Guy A is the safe bet but who knows down the road you may begin to resent him for being too submissive. I think long term, Guy B might be the dude. your choice obviously.

[Capricorn3]

Considering you've never even met Guy A, you should wait until you have at least met the guy a few times before making a decision (imo).

[DarkCh0c0]

You need to meet guy A irl a few times to make up a better idea of whether he is good partner material. Talk is nice and dandy until you see his actions.

Is guy B a f&b situation? Why are you picking when none seem to want exclusivity with you so far?

[Kwothe28]

If your idea of "treating me as I should be treated" is some player flying you over and paying for you, I think you deserve a guy B. Just dont complain after you find out he has dozen of them like you later down the line.

[TeeDee]

I'm sorry, but if you have never met Guy A you don't know him at all.  You claim he's trustworthy but you can't know that.  You talk of him expressing love. There is no love here; you two do not know each other.  Talking over the internet is nothing -- it's a fantasy.  Until you meet in person, this man is a STRANGER.  Any talk about how faith with effect marriage is year's premature. 

If you are already having sex with B & he's spending all this money to fly to you & treat you like a princess, why are you even talking to A in the 1st place?  

It also sounds like you are into BDSM.  I certainly can't speak to any of that but what little I do know it is better if you have 1 D & 1 S.  If you & A are both S, nobody will lead & you two will not progress 

[Coily]

Sounds like Guy C will be the more likely, as neither of these two you really seem keen on.

[rainbowsandroses]

 

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

If you are already having sex with B & he's spending all this money to fly to you & treat you like a princess, why are you even talking to A in the 1st place?  

^^My question as well.  Especially since you've never even met!

How long have you been talking? Why haven't you met?   Are there plans in place to meet soon?

I'm sorry but you cannot possibly know you will vibe well when you meet in person, in real.

Right now he's essentially a fantasy and everything you're imagining him to be and how you're going to vibe when you meet is also a fantasy.

It's important to be aware of that and not get carried away.

Re Guy B, your energy when talking about him speaks volumes!  In short, he turns you on.  He's got that somethin somethin that makes your heart skip a beat. 

Which is OK, it's how it all begins. In time that high will lessen and ideally you will settle into maintaining a connection that is sustainable which encompasses both physical and emotional. 

Unless you're into relationships with high intensity, distance, missing and longing.  

Lastly do you enjoy even prefer long distance?  I ask because both these men are, but only Guy B has chosen to make the effort to visit.

If me, given how you feel about B and how he makes you feel and that he's actually putting forth effort to fly and see you and spend time, if me I'd stick with him, see where it takes both of you and drop Guy A.  

Doesn't sound like you're "feelin it" too much with A anyway.  Maybe you want to because he looks good on paper and you feel safe, but that's not how it works. 

From how you described Guy B, I think Guy A's submissive and passive nature will eventually bore you. 

[tattoobunnie]

13 hours ago, yari said:

I have been talking to Guy A for a while. We haven't met up...He expresses his love to me by notes

You have never ever ever met in person.  In person, you are yourself, not the carefully worded and planned text.  I think if you weren't emotionally cheating on Guy B, you'd actually get to know him like Guy A.  And who knows about Guy A.  You may have absolutely zero chemistry in person.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

You have never ever ever met in person.  In person, you are yourself, not the carefully worded and planned text.  I think if you weren't emotionally cheating on Guy B, you'd actually get to know him like Guy A.  And who knows about Guy A.  You may have absolutely zero chemistry in person.

Yes and also I'd choose a man who suits your priorities -you make much of wanting to be treated like a pampered princess who is spoiled and trotted around like a trophy. Your comments about "sweetest thing ever" about Guy A -who you've never even met - makes him sound like a submissive lap dog.  Now that might suit your goal of being treated like a princess but if he's so submissive I'd worry you'd get bored -you seem to like the grandiose actions of Guy B which are not at all submissive. 

You seem to like the idea of being regarded as some sort of trophy.  The actual person doing it is secondary.  Except with Guy A you're wondering if he has more substance.  He might but you won't know anything relevant until you meet in person. 

I'd get clear on what your goals are -right now it's clear to me what you value about Guy B and how you feel entitled to be treated but if so consider then why you'd ever be interested in the more submissive Guy A who will be a student -i.e. cannot wine and dine you.  And likely won't be into PDA.

[SooSad33]

Guy A you haven't even met yet - as asked, why are you dealing with Guy B? or wait.. WHY are you dealing with Guy A, if you're somewhat already involved with Guy B??  This is messy 😕 .

As mentioned - maybe consider trying Guy C.

Clearly you're not happy enough with either of these 2 guys.

IF you were happy enough with Guy B, you would NOT even be considering Guy A.. right?

So, stop all of this, back off them both! And figure your own self out for a while.

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, Coily said:

Sounds like Guy C will be the more likely, as neither of these two you really seem keen on.

I wise friend once told me if you are stuck between two people, the answer is probably neither. 

When it is right, you know. There is no need to hesitate or doubt. There is no considering someone else or wondering about the one you select. You make the selection because you feel drawn to the person and there can really be no other choice. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

When it is right, you know. There is no need to hesitate or doubt. There is no considering someone else or wondering about the one you select. You make the selection because you feel drawn to the person and there can really be no other choice. 

^^100%!  Wow SS, you and I seem to be on the same wavelength today!! 😂

[ShySoul]

18 hours ago, yari said:

The only thing that I don't like is that I feel like I like the idea of him.

Seems to me like that could apply to both guys. I think you are in love with the idea of being in love and each guy represents different aspects of what you want the love to be like. Guy A gives you the sweet and romantic side. Guy B give you the strong and sexual side. Guy A is the guy who is there and who you feel close to from knowing each other, guy B is the princess fairytale. But neither guy is complete by themselves. 

Take a close look at how well you really know both of them. How well do they really know you? Look at the deeper things that really make relationships worth having. Can you honestly say you have that with either of them?

[ShySoul]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^100%!  Wow SS, you and I seem to be on the same wavelength today!! 😂

Great minds think alike. 

Wait, that sounded presumptuous. You can have the great mind, I'll be okay with just a very good mind. 😁

[yogacat]

I think you're getting way too ahead of yourself with Guy A without meeting him yet. Talking about serious subjects as if like you are serious, you've been talking to him for months. You've never even hung out yet.  

You are young which is why you're thinking like this. You shouldn't really know anything serious about anybody you've never spent any time hanging out with. 

Guy B sounds like your classic offshore glamor man. Not somebody you really know, just somebody you talk to and have fun with when they can fly in.  Something you brag to your friends about when he can fly in to visit you.  Look, people will do pretty much anything if they think they will get laid at the end of the day. 

I think you should either stop talking about both until you actually get to spend some time with them in person. If you're sexually active with Guy B he sounds like the perfect guy for friends with benefits but that you don't think there's anything really there between you two, long term.

Guy B doesn't even live in your country.  He flies in, hangs, you have sex, he leaves.

Mostly men like Guy B get girls pregnant, then run back home. 

Guy A might be charming, but you have said nothing about actually being head over heals skippy-do-dah in love with him. You like him. You talked to him a lot. You admire him and can see potential maybe. 

I think you're living in a fantasy world in which you don't actually have a relationship with either one of them but for some reason you seem to think you're making real decisions about your love life.

I mean, neither of them have offered you anything in the way of a real relationship.

Which, understandably so, as neither have really had a chance to get to know you enough to be able to offer such a thing. 

[Andrina]

Since you're chatting with a uni guy, I'm assuming you're either in your late teens or early twenties. So why hasn't dating locally worked out for you? Sounds like you're meeting men online, long distance, when this is the time in your life you should be meeting loads of single guys your age.

So is Guy B doing all this traveling to you, meeting your family, without discussing being exclusive with you? Or, are you going behind his back by communicating romantically with other guys?

I only know that if I was really into a guy, I had no interest in communicating with other guys, and I'd find it ethically in poor taste to do that after being intimate with a guy. But I know others might feel and act differently.

As said, since you don't mind risking Guy B finding out about Guy A, you're likely not that into Guy B.

Also, as said, don't jump the gun in fantasizing about a future with someone you've never met. Some catfishers play games like telling someone they will soon move to a person's area for work or school and then that never happens. Something supposedly comes up and the person claims a delay has to happen in moving.

I also think it's a red flag and just not a good idea to start discussing sex before you're even dating. Why are you getting ahead of yourself and putting the cart before the horse? Don't know how long you've been talking to Guy A, but with my past experiences, if it was going to go beyond 2 weeks, I would've told the guy, "Okay, just contact me when you arrive in my town. For now, I'd rather not be in contact daily until we're able to meet." 

 

[Tinydance]

Guy A you've never actually met, Guy B you don't know much. You said you only met in person a few times. Unless Guy A or Guy B expects you to be monogamous just with him, why do you have to choose one right now? You could start seeing Guy A when you can meet in person and see what happens? I really don't think you can make any decision about Guy A because you've never been with him in real life. So based on that I'd either choose Guy B or just keep seeing them both and see what happens. I mean what is Guy B's situation? If he's in another country then is he seeing women in his own country as well? Is he looking for a serious relationship? If yes then will he move to you or will you move to him?