Quietness and shyness at work

[survivor2021]

I(27M) joined my new company abroad since almost 2 years.

I am the youngest in my team, with another person as the same age and experience as me. My colleagues are in the late 30s and are people that have way more experience than me, not just in work, but also in my life. I was living in a third world country, and during my teenager years, I was sheltered at home, due to an overprotective mother and a father who doesn't give a damn.. and most importantly, a controlling narcissistic older brother.

I grew up lacking maturity and experience and self confidence because of all of this and even though in university, when I started living by myself I got better, joined clubs, engaged in some social activities, became a bit better with people, I still believe I'm just.. lagging behind.

I grew up in an environment where I'm just the 'kid' and the young one, and my family made jokes about my interventions and my opinions whenever we talked about some topic.. I won't forget the day I told my parents I want to become a 'policeman' as a kid and my brother and sister laughed like crazy at me...

This is just one grain from what I went through, but because of this, I grew up too self conscious and self aware about what I am about to say, to the point that I end up preferring to stay quiet. I'm still a likable person and I can handle basic conversation and even socializing with coworkers from different backgrounds and nationalities..

But today, we had a communication workshop and I just felt that I'm the least talkative person.. I still engaged, but not as much as my other coworkers. I am not sure but I think part of me is still afraid of people laughing at what I'm about to say.. and you can understand that from my background and by the way, this has never changed even now. I'm never seen as an adult in my family.

I wanted some advice from anyone who went through the similar thing or background as me.

[TeeDee]

Being a competent communicator & interacting with people at work in a professional manner is a skill.  Nobody is born knowing these things. 

Look around at your company.  Who do you admire?  Who do you want to emulate?  One you identify that person, get to know them better.  See if you can get them to mentor you, formally or informally.  

[ShySoul]

It's not quite the same thing, but I have always been quiet and introverted by nature. I am easily the least talkative person in any group I have been in. That has never been viewed negatively or held me back. I know the common advice is that you have to be social and get yourself noticed. And that can help. But it's just as important to deliver quality work and demonstrate that you are reliably and can be counted on.

Quite ones tend to be more thoughtful and considerate. They think before they speak. Thus they are generally well liked amongst there peers as they don't cause problems or rock the boat. They can absorb everything going on and get to the heart of situations so that when they do make a suggestion, it's well thought out and more useful for the company/team. They tend to focus on doing the best job possible, which can really help you stand out. 

That's been my experience. And you can find plenty of other articles and people who would agree:

https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/being-quiet-at-work

https://www.monster.ca/career-advice/article/success-as-a-quiet-employee

[ShySoul]

The other issue here is simply your confidence in yourself. I am sorry you went through that with your family. The important thing is to really understand that their actions are not a reflection of you, it was about them. Your opinions, beliefs, values, etc. are just as important as anyone elses. You have the same right as anyone else to say what you think and do the things you want to do. Just because certain people weren't able to appreciate everything you had to offer, doesn't mean other people won't. 

Don't be afraid to speak up if you have an idea or see something that could benefit everyone. Your thoughts will be appreciated. They will be valued. And on the off chance they aren't, that will again say more about the company you are with then you. The good places I have been at welcomed anyone to speak. 

If you aren't comfortable speaking in groups, find another method. Speak to your manager one on one. Write a well thought out email. Find whatever form of communication works best for you. There are all kinds of work styles, so don't feel you have to be a certain way. Point is to believe in and feel comfortable with yourself and shine in whatever way comes naturally for you.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Being a competent communicator & interacting with people at work in a professional manner is a skill.  Nobody is born knowing these things. 

Look around at your company.  Who do you admire?  Who do you want to emulate?  One you identify that person, get to know them better.  See if you can get them to mentor you, formally or informally.  

I agree.  I would try Toastmasters or whatever is the equivalent in your country. My friend did that to  get better at public speaking but it's all about speaking in a professional setting. I'd stop being so focused on what it was like for you as a child etc - you're an adult now and you have ways to work on improving  your professional social skills.  I had to - I made some mistakes -embarrassing ones -in professional settings in my 20s for sure and I learned by doing.

[Cherylyn]

Knowledge is power.  Do your homework regarding your company,  your job,  your company and department's goals,  all of it.  You will grow your self esteem and when called for,  you won't fear speaking up because you are prepared. 

I remember years ago when I was assigned to give speeches in class which absolutely terrified me.  😳  I wrote speeches which were approximately 3 minutes long,  memorized them verbatim,  practiced in front of a mirror and in a blank room.  My mother taught me to paint a visual in my mind.  She said to imagine you're speaking to an audience of trees.  🌲 🌳 🌴 That's right,  trees.  Suddenly,  my phobia of speaking to others was no more.  I felt as if they were all trees.  My jitters went away.  🙂

Most of all,  remain patient because life will teach you various experiences both good and bad.  With experience,  comes wisdom and through the years,  you will become less shy and silent.  It's only a matter of time .  .  .  🕰️

[AuthenticSelf]

On 7/23/2024 at 6:42 AM, survivor2021 said:

But today, we had a communication workshop and I just felt that I'm the least talkative person.. I still engaged, but not as much as my other coworkers.

There is nothing wrong with that if you say it is the problem. 

 

I hate talking in a group of people too. My prefer way of communication is 1 to 1. 

The maximum number of people in group communication for me is 4. 

 

Just curious, why do you feel bad when you was the least talkative person? 

[shouldhavelearned]

Nothing wrong with necessarily being quiet. 

Learn from those around you. Speak up as needed to give your input. Confidence will come to you.

 

Practice at home and with trusted others.

[survivor2021]

Well let's say I get very self cautious sometimes and too self aware to the point that I do feel off. I got feedback from my team lead that I'm a very good lad and a team player and engineer but If I have one thing I can improve and work on is that I'm an introvert and shy... I get that remark also from family.

It's true, I am introvert but wouldn't say shy, but very courteous and respectful in my first interactions with someone and I'm not too assertive or dominant.

[ShySoul]

8 minutes ago, survivor2021 said:

but If I have one thing I can improve and work on is that I'm an introvert and shy... I get that remark also from family.

That's a horrible thing for them to say. Being an introvert isn't something to work on or improve. It's your natural personality. You can't change that. At best you could fake it, but then you'd be miserable and exhausted. Why expect a person to change a fundamental part of their character, part of what makes them who they are?

I'd like to tell these people to their homework. Some of the most sucessful people are introverts - Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Steven Spielberg, Barack Obama, JK Rowling. Think any of them needed to improve on being introverted? Or could that have possibly helped them see things differently enough to do what needed to be done to be so successful?

If you get those comments again I'd fire back at all the advantages being an introvert can bring:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/stephaniesarkis/2019/01/30/introverts-can-be-your-most-valuable-employees/

https://introvertdear.com/news/why-employers-should-hire-more-introverts/

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

At best you could fake it, but then you'd be miserable and exhausted. Why expect a person to change a fundamental part of their character, part of what makes them who they are?

In a work situation if she has chosen a role that requires interaction in a particular way then yes she has to work on how she interacts professionally if it is hurting the team work or worker productivity.  She can choose a job with little to no interaction as part of the work.  Then for sure it would not be their business whether she was introverted or otherwise.  

[ShySoul]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In a work situation if she has chosen a role that requires interaction in a particular way then yes she has to work on how she interacts professionally if it is hurting the team work or worker productivity.  She can choose a job with little to no interaction as part of the work.  Then for sure it would not be their business whether she was introverted or otherwise.  

That wasn't what he was told though.

48 minutes ago, survivor2021 said:

I'm a very good lad and a team player and engineer but If I have one thing I can improve and work on is that I'm an introvert and shy

He was told she is a team player and good at her job. There is no indication that it's hurting work, productivity or morale. 

Instead he was directed to improve on being an introvert. How do you even do that? It's baked into the DNA, it's a fundamental part of who some of us are. No one goes up to an extrovert and tells them they need to improve on that. 

And just because a person is an introvert does not mean they need little or no interaction with people. The definition of introvert is that you need solitude in order to recharge, that you get energy from calmer activities. But we still do like being around people and can thrive in those enviroments. We will just need more downtime afterwards.

[survivor2021]

I'm a "HE" By the way  

[ShySoul]

12 minutes ago, survivor2021 said:

I'm a "HE" By the way  

Oops, sorry. I've corrected my post.

I've had that happen to me as well, being called she in error. I should know better. lol

[survivor2021]

That's perfectly fine. Thank you all for the comments.

[Batya33]

Why did you have to attend a communication workshop if as Shysoul wrote above communication is not part of your job? If there was a workshop then I assume they invested that time and $$ because effective communication is part of the job of the team.

[survivor2021]

@Batya33 Well two engineers in my team had an argument with another person in another team so all of my team ended up being asked to attend.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, survivor2021 said:

@Batya33 Well two engineers in my team had an argument with another person in another team so all of my team ended up being asked to attend.

Oh I'm sorry to hear about that situation.  

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

Well two engineers in my team had an argument with another person in another team so all of my team ended up being asked to attend.

Had that happen to me once. The entire team had to do a half's day worth of team building and communication training all because of one person who wasn't doing their job and instead disappearing for long periods of time and making accusations about how horribly she was getting treated. Everyone knew it was her starting everything, but HR had to be fair and put the whole team through it so as to not single her out.

Wasn't a surprise that when Covid hit and they had to let someone go, she was the only one selected.

Sorry you had to experience that. The things we have to go through all because some people don't have common sense or know how to interact with others...