What do I do?

[JohnDoe24]

I’ve been in a long term relationship for over 10 years, we’re engaged and have been for a while. The problem is, we don’t have sex in any way. The last sexual interaction we had was in September last year. My partner wants to set a date to get married but there is part of me that thinks we don’t even have sex so why should we get married. We’ve also started to talk about having a family and in the back of my mind I think “at least we’d have to have sex”. Our sex when it happens is good, I’d love to be more experimental with her but she’s scared, I’ll bring her to orgasm (she’s definitely not faking it) I’ve nearly made her squirt but she always stops me because she doesn’t want to pee. I love this lady more than anything and right now I’d love any sexual contact. I flourish her with compliments daily and always get erect around her, she can see it but nothing seems to get her to the next steps. I am at a loss of what to do 🤔 

[HesAlone]

1. She is either waiting for marriage and hasnt said anything as you are a gentle person?

2. she is having issues down there?

3. shes no longer intersted including she might be seeing someone else?

[chess103]

hmm you better to crystal clear on expectations b/c this may get worse. so I'd hold off on marriage until you can both be on the same page or else this could be a disaster down the road.

[ShySoul]

What is her general attitude to sex? How was she raised regarding this subject? Has she always been this way or is this relatively recent?

Some people simply have a lower sex drive. Some people are asexual or just don't get as much enjoyment from it. For others it's a more personal thing that they aren't as comfortable with, even with someone they do love and care for. 

Sex is not vital to having a good relationship. Love, understanding, trust, communication... those are what really counts. If you have those things, then that is what should matter most and be the things that guide you to the alter.

Compliments are nice, but that and an erection doesn't make a woman want to have sex. Are you romancing her? Are you doing the little things that set the mood and demonstrate to her that she is loved. Focus on creating special moments just for the two of you that make her happy. Take the time to really listen to her and give her the things she wants most, not just physically but emotionally. Stimulate the mind and heart. That can in turn stimulate the body.

Be respectful of her boundaries and do what she is comfortable with. Realize that if you really love this person, you should want her happiness to be top priority. So focus on making her happy and enjoying the relationship you do have, not wishing for the things you would prefer.

[catfeeder]

How much of what you've posted here have you discussed with her? What were her responses?

[yari]

If sex is something important in a relationship for you, you should tell her so. If she has always had sex but doesn't want it now, unfortunately she could be seeing someone else or she could just be really stressed. 

[TeeDee]

What you do is talk to her.  Ask why the sex stopped.  Tell her you need sex to have a happy fulfilling marriage.  

Do not marry, set a date or pay any deposits until you get this worked out.  

You may have to chose: celibacy or her because she may not be willing to give you both.  So even if you love her, are you really willing to never have sex again? 

[MissCanuck]

On 7/22/2024 at 2:00 AM, JohnDoe24 said:

I’ve been in a long term relationship for over 10 years

The obvious question is this - has she always been this way about sex? 

On 7/22/2024 at 2:00 AM, JohnDoe24 said:

The last sexual interaction we had was in September last year.

Meaning intercourse? Or? 

You must have some insight into why she hasn't wanted any intimacy in nearly a year. What does she tell you is the reason? 

[Coily]

You need to be honest with yourself and her; sex (or lack there of) is often a deal breaker in a marriage.

I would find this troubling for a potential marriage; to be this out of balance would make such a union untenable. Have a caring conversation about it with her, and get some insight. otherwise... you are doomed to an unfulfilling marriage where you both resent each other.

[ShySoul]

On 7/21/2024 at 5:00 PM, JohnDoe24 said:

I’ve been in a long term relationship for over 10 years, we’re engaged and have been for a while

Think more details would be helpful.

How long have you been engaged? Why the delay in getting engaged and then getting married? Is this a long term issue or just in the past year? 

People are who they have been the entire relationship. If she has always been reluctant sexually, then that is a part of who she is. You have loved who she is all this time. You say you love her more then anything. So do you love her more then sex? Will you be comfortable if the frequency isn't as often as you would like? Or is that so essential to you that you are willing to risk losing someone you've spent all this time with and built a life with?

If this is a recent issue, then problems don't come out of nowhere. Did she experience something that would cause her to be more reluctant? Did something change in either of your lives?

Communication is essential for any relationship. So talk. Be honest with each other and with yourselves. Figure out what each of you want at your core and what any expectations are of the other. 

[melly]

The only thing i can think of, that other people haven‘t mentioned yet, is that you might be doing something that she dislikes. Not sexually but generally. Some people don‘t just get aroused like others do. Do you go on dates? do you clean and cook too? do you make her feel appreciated? do you gift each other things? do you speak to her in her love language? Compliments are great but some people value acts of service or quality time a lot more. 

This is rlly just an assumption because idk what else it could be.