Help with Relationship

[smackie9]

If you have to explain yourself like this....dump this guy already and stop defending yourself...you should never put up with this crap from anyone. You can address this with him all you want...it's only going to make you look even more guilty to him. Stay with this guy, and the same bs will occur. Get out while you can. 

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, LadyA said:

Should I text him and ask if he wants to talk or just leave him alone? His silence is really bothering me. 

No.  Leave him alone.  His silence is really bothering you?  Let your silence really bother HIM.  Should he contact you,  you need to dump him.  Go no contact and block him.

If he continues to give you the silent treatment,  do likewise and go your separate ways.  He's not worth it.  Once a liar,  always a liar.  You can never trust him.  Trust is dead.

[catfeeder]

I'd find it pretty exhausting to feel at risk of accusations should I ever fail to censor my interactions with 50% of the population well enough for someone else's liking.

There's a difference between an inquiry and an assumption, and it sounds as though your guy is trigger-happy about taking a leap into automatic mistrust. Treating you as a suspicious adversary rather than operating from a position that considers both of you to be on the same side is not a small issue.

Unfortunately, this would prevent me from reaching out to him in an attempt to resolve this. If he steps up to speak with me after reflection, I'd consider meeting him halfway in a discussion. The problem is, this wouldn't resolve the go-forward issue of positioning myself for exhaustion. Who wants to be hyper-accountable to a partner who can't even offer a baseline olive branch of trust? Or one who lies about his own sleuthing?

[Coily]

20 hours ago, LadyA said:

(but I believe one of the other guys in the photo sent it to him).

Think about it, someone sent him this photo possibly trying to imply that you were cheating or that the helpful guy took you home. Possibly the guy who has the crush sent this to your BF.

20 hours ago, LadyA said:

My bf said the guy came across his Facebook feed and he thought it had something to do with me. That honestly doesn’t even make sense. Why would someone coming across your FB feed have anything to do with me?!

Even if it wasn't the guy sending your BF, you know how tagging works on FB I presume?  Or how the current algorithm works? I've been getting pictures and posts from people I don't even know these days; all because someone I'm "friends" with made a comment on some stranger's post.

18 hours ago, LadyA said:

He admittedly has trust issues given he divorced his ex-wife after she cheated on him.

Who else knows about his trust issues in that group?

Sorry, there is a lot of stuff that stinks here that no one else here seems to want to even address, they just want to put your BF against the wall without reading what you have written. Look, I don't know if there is someone with a bug in your BFs ear, but there seems to be someone really trying to sew doubt between you two.

If there is someone trying to sabotage your relationship (helpful guy maybe), why wouldn't they feed him all of the data they can to poison the well.

To hades with the texts, have a conversation in person with your BF. Don't come out swinging trying to "make him apologize" or to put a fork in the relationship; get to the heart of what's going on for you both. If there is someone stirring discord here, you need to short circuit this by you and your BF need to handle this together.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Sorry, there is a lot of stuff that stinks here that no one else here seems to want to even address, they just want to put your BF against the wall without reading what you have written.

I agree it stinks and also with most everything else you've posted with the exception of bolded.  I have addressed it and suggested she attempt to see HIS side of the situation as well as her own.

That said I am with you. I am so tired of male/boyfriend bashing when it's clear at least to me there are TWO sides to this!

He is not the only one at fault here, if "fault" is even the right word.  

It's important to remember, an action (in this case her having her arm around co-worker who is crushing on her as innocent as she intended it to be) prompted his reaction which then prompted her reaction to his reaction and so on and so forth.

It can be never ending cycle of negative reactions, assumptions, rash decisions and now neither of them are speaking to each other!  All of which resolves NOTHING.

I often wonder how some people have managed to have successful LTRs when their immediate reaction is to see only their side and dump.

JMO.

 

 

[Coily]

@rainbowsandrosesFair correction, read too many "penis creature bad" on this thread by the time i responded. Haha

You're absolutely correct, feeding the cycle of assumptions is self defeating.

[yogacat]

20 hours ago, LadyA said:

I honestly hope he will talk with me about it. He’s not ignoring me all together, but he’s being very distant. 

Hopefully you can patch things up.

This wasn't like one misplaced comment from your boyfriend and an obvious finding the photo on a Facebook feed. There's a lot going on here and you guys need to talk about it.

I get that the man that has a crush on you was trying to be helpful by tending to you when you were ill but I still don't quite understand out of the entire group of people around who were there any of them could have accompanied you?

Then to post a photo the next day of you and this individual that has a crush on you is just, well, insensitive.

If it was just a passing comment with no back context from your boyfriend I would say yes, he is being a bit over reactionary.

But, I don't see him being out of line for his reaction. He sees a photo of his girlfriend with another man, who happened to be taking care of her and he just wanted to know who he was.  Also, why couldn't your boyfriend come and help you instead? Just curious.

[LadyA]

28 minutes ago, yogacat said:

 

I get that the man that has a crush on you was trying to be helpful by tending to you when you were ill but I still don't quite understand out of the entire group of people around who were there any of them could have accompanied you?

Then to post a photo the next day of you and this individual that has a crush on you is just, well, insensitive.

I quickly left AND left alone when I was sick. The guy friend, with the crush, noticed that I left and followed me … I had already started vomiting by the time he caught up with me. 
 

And, I didn’t post any photo of us. My bf sent me a text with the guys FB profile photo with the question “who is this guy?”. It was so weird because the guys name was literally on the photo he sent!  I replied by writing his name and the company he works for. Then, my bf replied, “is this the guy who brought you home?” As if anyone brought me home… no one did!

I called my bf right away after he sent these messages and he said he’d call me back because he was at dinner with his family. When he did, he said this guy’s photo came across his FB and he thought it was because of me. How he would put that together is completely strange. It makes no sense to me.  

The only thing that makes sense is there was an unposted photo of me with the guy and two other couples - all with our arms around each other - and one of the couples being friends with him. I honestly think that’s how he got the photo. In that photo, yes, I’m next to the guy, but you can see my elbow… I was next to him, but not up as close as I was to his friend. 
 

While I’m sensitive to my bf’s feelings, I get the impression that I’m being portrayed as this uncaring gf who asked some guy to take care of me when I was sick… I didn’t. I didn’t ask anyone.  He followed me, helped me find a bathroom, got me water and waited for me to get in an Uber back to my hotel alone once I felt good enough to do so. It was embarrassing-literally had vomit all over me - hair/clothes/everything.

My bf wasn’t there. He was (and still is) in another country at a family reunion.

Update: He called me almost 2.5 hours ago and hung up abruptly after 2 mins saying he had to put his “headset in” and would call me right back. Usually you can put a headset in while you’re on the phone with someone last time I checked… so this is strange too.

He then texted a minute later saying he’d call me in a “bit” - that there was an “emergency at reception”.  He knows I dislike when he says “in a bit”, because he’ll call 8 hours later, the next day… it’s not a “bit”.  And, now it seems like he’s blocked me. I did try to call him back and it goes right to voicemail.
 

His behavior has been childish/weird all week. He called me by my last name in a text message since all of this happened.  Felt disrespectful.  None of this feels good.

[TeeDee]

@LadyA

When I 1st read your post I was indignant on your behalf.  I don't deal well with people who assume every opposite sex contact by people in a relationship is automatically suspect.   My bias in check, I can sort of see some other posters positions that given his EX-W cheating on him, your BF may have been a bit triggered & fearful of history repeating itself, so he reacted poorly.  

Given that, this is my advice: 

Take a breath & reach out to him asking to speak civilly in person about this incident. 

Apologize for any role you played in upsetting him. Do not be more specific than that in the apology.  I don't think you did anything wrong other than perhaps fail to initially see this from his side.  I'm simply having you extend the 1st olive branch to make peace 

In a calm but firm manner remind him that you are not his EX-W & it's unfair for him to punish you for her sins.  Remind him that you are not a cheater & that you have to work with these people.  This was just a congenial photo among colleagues & he needs to find a way to trust you to handle your business.   

In normal circumstances other than standing next to the guy for a phone, you generally don't give this other guy any mind.  You being sick was an emergency.  In that moment you weren't thinking about some compliment the guy paid you in the past.  You didn't want to embarrass yourself at work & you needed genuine help while you were vulnerable. Maybe you didn't even need the help but since this colleague noticed he checked on your safety.  Perhaps that was opportunistic of him but it doesn't sound like he did anything beyond offer assistance.  It was an "any port in a storm" situation & your colleague was gracious to help you.  He wasn't hitting on you & he certainly wasn't trying to sexually assault you. 

Try to get your BF to understand he can't go nuts every time you take a photo with or have a conversation with another man.  The world is full of men.  Just because his EX-W was a cheater doesn't mean you are.  

If he can't get that through his head & will be triggered every time you go to work or do anything outside of his presence, you may need to re-evaluate this relationship. 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, LadyA said:

While I’m sensitive to my bf’s feelings, I get the impression that somehow I’m being portrayed as this awful gf who asked some guy to take care of me when I was sick…

^^I did not see anyone doing that, I certainly did not.  All I and a couple of others suggested from what I read, is that you try to look at this from your boyfriend's perspective, not just your own.

Your actions may very well have been innocent to you but how might they have appeared to your boyfriend?    Can you understand the difference?

No one said he is blameless, he made a rather snarky comment about the guy taking you home and he could have handled his emotions/reactions better too.

But yeah he got triggered.   

Like I said earlier too, and @yogacat and @Coilyalluded too, there is more going on here than just this ONE incident imo.   For him it may have been a culmination of things.  Only he can say and HE's not here.

Just be aware that's all and yeah talk to him without accusations and with an open-mind.  Try and understand where he's coming from.  Just as HE should understand where YOU are coming from.

That is how you resolve issues and believe me I am JUST learning this myself!  My tendency has been to simply walk away and end the RL which has not served me well in maintaining LTRs.

 

[yogacat]

19 minutes ago, LadyA said:

I quickly left AND left alone when I was sick. The guy friend, with the crush, noticed that I left and followed me … I had already started vomiting by the time he caught up with me. 
 

And, I didn’t post any photo of us. My bf sent me a text with the guys FB profile photo with the question “who is this guy?”. It was so weird because the guys name was literally on the photo he sent!  I replied by writing his name and the company he works for. Then, my bf replied, “is this the guy who brought you home?” As if anyone brought me home… no one did!

I called my bf right away after he sent these messages and he said he’d call me back because he was at dinner with his family. When he did, he said this guy’s photo came across his FB and he thought it was because of me. How he would put that together is completely strange. It makes no sense to me.  

The only thing that makes sense is there was an unposted photo of me with the guy and two other couples - all with our arms around each other - and one of the couples being friends with him. I honestly think that’s how he got the photo. In that photo, yes, I’m next to the guy, but you can see my elbow… I was next to him, but not up as I was to his friend. 
 

While I’m sensitive to my bf’s feelings, I get the impression that somehow I’m being portrayed as this awful gf who asked some guy to take care of me when I was sick… I didn’t. I didn’t ask anyone.  He followed me, helped me find a bathroom, got me water and waited for me to get in an Uber back to my hotel alone once I felt good enough to do so. It was embarrassing-literally had vomit all over me - hair/clothes/everything.

My bf wasn’t there. He was (and still is) in another country at a family reunion.

Well you initially said someone showed your boyfriend this photo so I assumed that it was posted by 'someone'!?!?! Yes, how weird is it that someone sends your boyfriend a public photo?

Yes, asking you, "Is this the guy who brought you home?" does seem very odd.

However... You went to a work meeting without your unavailable boyfriend and you were out having fun with how many other friends who I assume also were work associates on your own, supposedly there were two couples there, so, six of you hanging out together.  And, you ended up being taken care of by the same guy who you posted a picture with. 

I can easily understand why your boyfriend would feel uncomfortable with how you spent your time without him while he was away.  

It sounds like there are a lot of things happening here and a conversation is definitely needed to clear up any misunderstandings.

Instead of getting upset and distant, your boyfriend should communicate with you and express how he's feeling. That being said, hopefully he is an adult and can calmly discuss this fully with you and see your side and understand why you decided to let this friend try to help you out. I would also not have someone that has a crush on me, "take care" of me at that point, I think that's an open door for misunderstanding.

I would have ER'd myself or taken an Uber directly home.

Have a good talk, lay out ALL the information you gave us and see what he has to say and again, be on guard for any potential for more feelings for this man that helped you. Your BF should at least be grateful and feel good that someone was willing to try and help you not feel bad that someone posted it, and he wasn't there - I get why he could be a bit confused - I think most people would be.

[LadyA]

@rainbowsandroses@yogacat

thank you for your feedback. I really hope we can talk. But, he won’t talk for more than 3 minutes at a time. He said he call back and hasn’t. And, it seems like he’s blocked me because of how my calls going through - they’re not.

I can’t make him talk and feel like he’s avoiding/playing games right now. At this point, I won’t reach out anymore (and can’t since my calls aren’t going through). He knows how to find me and hopefully can have a mature conversation. 🙏🏻

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, LadyA said:

I really hope we can talk. But, he won’t talk for more than 3 minutes at a time. He said he call back and hasn’t. And, it seems like he’s blocked me because of how my calls are going through.

Okay this^^ is new information, or if you've shared it before I missed it.

In that case, let it go.  He obviously doesn't want to talk and/or perhaps even resolve this.  It's possible he's just done.

I am speculating but all you can do now is lean back and wait for him to reach out when/if he's ready to talk.  Don't push it.

You may want to use this time apart to determine if YOU even want to resolve this and move forward with him.

It just doesn't sound like a good situation at all, and it's only been six months.  Perhaps you are simply incompatible and not a good match for each other.

I wish I could be more positive but sometimes you just have to realize things aren't working and cut your losses.  You can't nor shouldn't be the only one trying.

 

 

[LadyA]

@TeeDee

thank you for your reply. Hopefully we can talk. He’s definitely avoiding me and it really seems like he’s blocked me. I wish he could find it in him to have an adult conversation about this rather than beat around the bush, be passive aggressive. It’s information, but seriously turning me off.

I called him every night from my room while I was on that trip once in bed. FaceTime him multiple times. Meanwhile, he goes on trips without me to Las Vegas, Mumbai, etc without me and doesn’t call me at night. He’ll even tell me that he’s out late, dancing and drinking. Who knows what else?

 

[LadyA]

@rainbowsandroses

thabk you. I think you’re right. I’m not sure why he’d even call and then hang up fast and then block me. What’s the point in that if he doesn’t really want to talk? It’s almost like a punishment.

I appreciate your kind and honest words. 🥹

[yogacat]

I just want to say I get that when you're innocent how it must feel to have your boyfriend distrusting you suddenly. 

But... I get that is how he felt given how things are currently between you and when he saw this photo and that this bloke has a crush on you and tended to you one-on-one.

I was dating a man for a couple of months, I had fallen ill, the only person that took care of me was my female cousin and he inferred that I had been kissing other men. That kind of killed it for me and I ended things. His reaction was too "off." Talk about jumping to conclusions!

In your case though you and your boyfriend were in a relationship. Yes, you're a couple. Yes, you went out like you wanted to, almost how you wanted to with your boyfriend, just that he couldn't make it.

So, you're alone here, you go off and do your thing with your work buddies that are couples, and then this dude that has a crush on you follows you when you leave the group. He takes care of you, which was kind.

But, he could have also been a bit more respectful knowing you're in a relationship and asked one of the couples there to help you. I think he had hopes that he could be your knight in shining armor instead (or else instead of) your actual boyfriend.

To me that seems reasonable that your boyfriend would be a bit put off by this.

But if you're saying you didn't do anything intention wise to detract from how your boyfriend is feeling then there isn't anything to worry about internally. I would hope that your boyfriend would take your side initially until more information was forthcoming.

I would calmly and delicately convey a message letting him know that the photo didn't accurately depict what actually happened even though it seems suspicious on the surface. Don't waste your energy getting too upset.

It does feel like an immature reaction, but that's why I said previously that I would take a few days and cool off, hopefully he will too and you can kiss and makeup.
 

[LotusBlack]

I would be done at this point. Whilst your boyfriend may have had valid reasons to feel concerned, it is best to approach this as a mature adult where you bring your concerns to your partner in a calm and respectful manner. His behaviour towards you has been absolutely reprehensible. 

I would never want to reconcile with a partner who reacts this way to issues within a relationship and I can’t imagine it will get any better with time.

All the valid concerns in the world do not justify the way he is going about things. This is the kind of wilful disrespect I currently have to deal with with my 4yo child. But, I expect that, because he’s FOUR not in his FORTIES!

He is very very clearly demonstrating with all these communication (or lack thereof) games that addressing and resolving this issue is not a priority for him. That would tell me all I need to know about this man and the relationship.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I would be done at this point. Whilst your boyfriend may have had valid reasons to feel concerned, it is best to approach this as a mature adult where you bring your concerns to your partner in a calm and respectful manner. His behaviour towards you has been absolutely reprehensible. 

I would never want to reconcile with a partner who reacts this way to issues within a relationship and I can’t imagine it will get any better with time.

All the valid concerns in the world does not justify the way he is going about things.

At this point @LadyAI tend to agree with Lotus^ especially after your attempts to talk have gone ignored.  Until your last post I had assumed (my bad for assuming) that you were stonewalling each other!

I cannot believe this man is in his late 40s; yes he may have gotten triggered but out of courtesy to you and your RL, he should at least want to talk about it or if he's not ready to talk just yet, tell you that!

Not just ignore and block.  That is almost unbelievably immature especially at his age.  Although not unheard of.

Again all you can do is lean back and consider if this RL is worth holding on to at all.

 

[ShySoul]

49 minutes ago, LadyA said:

I really hope we can talk. But, he won’t talk for more than 3 minutes at a time. He said he call back and hasn’t. And, it seems like he’s blocked me because of how my calls going through - they’re not.

I can’t make him talk and feel like he’s avoiding/playing games right now. At this point, I won’t reach out anymore (and can’t since my calls aren’t going through). He knows how to find me and hopefully can have a mature conversation. 🙏🏻

His behavior is getting more and more childish. Don't stoop to that level. Be the mature one and let it be. Should he contact you, find a way to meet in person so there is none of this hanging up/have to go nonsense. Then have a mature conversation, just as you are saying you want. Do it for you so you can get out all the fustrations your feelings. Keep it polite and civil, but be firm. Then see how he responds. If he insists on continuing these games, it's not worth it. Hopefully though he'll snap back to his senses. And if he doesn't contact you, it's his loss.

[LotusBlack]

If this were happening to me, I would send a text message (because trying to talk to him directly has proven impossible), out of self respect and curtesy, stating that after considering the relationship throughly, I feel it would be best to go our separate ways as we have fundamentally different communication styles and goals that I feel would make us incompatible in a relationship going forward. I would wish him the best and then be done. Block and delete. I’m not about ghosting, no matter how badly the other person has behaved. But I would be done.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, LadyA said:

thank you for your reply. Hopefully we can talk. He’s definitely avoiding me and it really seems like he’s blocked me.

If he's blocked you, he is probably done with the relationship, I would think.

[Coily]

@LadyA I hope i didn't come across as thinking you were uncaring; you wouldn't be here trying to make heads or tails of this situation if you didn't care a lot about this.

Honestly, I am suspicious of helpful crush guy; it would explain a lot of this situation suddenly blowing up.

Your BF seems to have really let this spiral in his own mind, and very unfairly too. He may have poisoned the well, or had some help from an external source; but until you two can sit down and have a conversation in person all of this is just playing communications tag.

I'll agree his blocking you just seems to be a nail in the coffin; but if there is still something you want to salvage consider waiting.

It sucks having to walk on eggshells over what is an innocent (on your part) incident, that someone wanted to blow out of proportion (him or the devil on his shoulder). Maybe this time can give you clarity you need as to the big picture of your life.

[LadyA]

@Coilythank you. I honestly don’t think it’s crush guy.   Crush guy doesn’t have his contact, at least not that I’m aware of.  Crush guy is married btw. I think his friend (also in the photo) sent it to him. Even more of a turn off for me. Tells me I’m attractive when he’s married.

Right now, I feel way more at peace. I was sad, hurt, but the blocking thing… makes no sense. I’m not aggressive with reaching out and it comes across as a childish move.

I’m still sad but I really need space from him right now.

Thank you for writing. Your insights are helpful and help me not to feel alone with this. 

[LadyA]

@LotusBlack thank you. Yes, this behavior is so unattractive. I really wish it were different, but have to accept reality.

Thank you. These are the words I need to hear. If he reaches out, I may talk to help me get closure. This relationship is too new to have this much of a problem. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, LadyA said:

@Coilythank you. I honestly don’t think it’s crush guy.   Crush guy doesn’t have his contact, at least not that I’m aware of.  Crush guy is married btw. I think his friend (also in the photo) sent it to him. Even more of a turn off for me. Tells me I’m attractive when he’s married.

Right now, I feel way more at peace. I was sad, hurt, but the blocking thing… makes no sense. I’m not aggressive with reaching out and it comes across as a childish move.

I’m still sad but I really need space from him right now.

Thank you for writing. Your insights are helpful and help me not to feel alone with this. 

So crush guy's friend knows your bf? Separate from your bf and whether this is inappropriate relationship wise I strongly suggest you not be close physically or in photos with married men who make inappropriate comments in the workplace to you.  You don't need drama if the wife receives the photo etc.