LadyA Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Dating a guy for 6 months (we’re in our late 40’s). I went to a work meeting without him (as he was away on a vacation with his family for a reunion). He saw a photo of me with my arm around another guy, as well as with 2 other couples (we all had our arms around each other), and he asked me who the guy was… because someone else showed him the photo. When he first asked me who the guy was, he showed he the guy’s Facebook photo. So I told him, and then he asked “is he the guy who took you home?” ***? Where did that question come from? The night prior to that photo, I was out with those same people and I had food poisoning and was vomiting like crazy. I was a mess… it was all over my dress, my legs and in my hair, I was incredibly ill. The guy who was closer to me in the photo stayed with me until I was okay to go back to my hotel room in an Uber alone. Nothing happened with this guy, other than being in close proximity to him. Nothing. I do believe the guy has a crush on me, but still nothing at all happened. Now, my boyfriend is very distant for several days. He’s in touch but barely wants to talk and is slow to respond to texts. It feels like he’s mad at me. I’m mad that he accused me with his question of “is this the guy who brought you home?”. Plus, lying about how he found out about the photo with him and the other two couples - he still has not come out and told me (but I believe one of the other guys in the photo sent it to him). My bf said the guy came across his Facebook feed and he thought it had something to do with me. That honestly doesn’t even make sense. Why would someone coming across your FB feed have anything to do with me?! I’m giving him space, but feel like I need some of my own, too. What do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 He's a liar which ranks right up there with other unforgivable offenses such as gaslighting, deceit, betrayal, theft, cheating and other major transgressions. One and done; two if you're lucky. Usually it's one and done unless you want to set yourself up by gambling on yet another risk which you'll most likely lose. Give him permanent space. Be safe and protect yourself. Don't associate with anyone who will give you a complicated, stressful, angst filled, hard life. ☹️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 hour ago, LadyA said: I do believe the guy has a crush on me And you keep somebody like that in your proximity? And even allow him to stay close to you, even take care of you when you are ill? No wonder your boyfriend is mad at you. Lets try a little exercise. If your boyfriend is on vacation with his family, has somebody who was crushing on him in his proximity, gets drunk and she helps him vomit, would you a) be cool with it b) get mad and broke up Because I kinda have a feeling you would do option b with ritual burning of all his stuff after. But you somehow consider your orbiter who is having a crush on you, OK thing to have in your life, even getting close with him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: And you keep somebody like that in your proximity? And even allow him to stay close to you, even take care of you when you are ill? No wonder your boyfriend is mad at you. Lets try a little exercise. If your boyfriend is on vacation with his family, has somebody who was crushing on him in his proximity, gets drunk and she helps him vomit, would you a) be cool with it b) get mad and broke up Because I kinda have a feeling you would do option b with ritual burning of all his stuff after. But you somehow consider your orbiter who is having a crush on you, OK thing to have in your life, even getting close with him. I’m sorry. It seems my message wasn’t read well. I wasn’t drunk at all. Didn’t eat for almost a day and had food poisoning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 I think your boyfriend's question was a valid one given the circumstances. He saw a photo of you with your arm around another guy and wanted to know who he was especially since this other man has a crush on you and took care of you when you were sick. It's nice that he did that but why couldn't one of your female friends do the same if they were there? Sure, I get you're feeling a bit miffed at your boyfriend's accusatory tone and insinuation. He is feeling a bit insecure or jealous. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but it's important to consider his perspective and feelings. The real issue is trust. Your boyfriend obviously doesn't trust you and that's why he's acting distant and slow to respond to your texts. His question is just a symptom of the problem. And you not telling him the truth about how he found out about the photo isn't helping with the trust issue either. It might seem like a small thing to you, but to him it might seem like you're hiding something. I would give him a few days to cool off and then talk to him about it. Apologize for not telling him the truth and explain your side of the story. Let him know that nothing happened with this other guy and that you understand why he might feel a bit insecure or jealous, but assure him that he has nothing to worry about. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 What led you to believe this other guy had a crush on you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Why do so many grown adults jump to conclusions and get angry with the other person without even trying to talk things over? Why does the other side respond by getting angry right back and making accusations rather then try to have a reasonable conversation? It's like everyone just want to be upset and find reasons to end things when a little communication and honesty could easily fix whatever misunderstanding has occured. You were not wrong to have your arm around him. It was an innocent picture and this person did a good thing in helping you out when you weren't feeling well. Your boyfriend is jumping to conclusions. However, given the circumstances, it is understandable. He saw a picture of you being very close to someone you admit has a crush on you. That would make a lot of guys uncomfortable. The issue is that he didn't trust you or give you a chance to explain. He acted poorly in distancing himself and not being mature even to talk and get an explanation. You also don't know how he came across the picture. Rather then be mad at him for lying about something you don't actually know the truth about, or get defensive at his response, try to see things from his perspective. The only way to deal with an issue is to tackle it head on, together. You both need to be mature enough to sit down and talk about it. You both need to be able to express how you feel and take the time to hear out and understand the other. Don't let a misunderstanding about a silly photo create an unfixable rift due to overreactions and childish behavior. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 10 minutes ago, yogacat said: I think your boyfriend's question was a valid one given the circumstances. He saw a photo of you with your arm around another guy and wanted to know who he was especially since this other man has a crush on you and took care of you when you were sick. It's nice that he did that but why couldn't one of your female friends do the same if they were there? Sure, I get you're feeling a bit miffed at your boyfriend's accusatory tone and insinuation. He is feeling a bit insecure or jealous. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but it's important to consider his perspective and feelings. The real issue is trust. Your boyfriend obviously doesn't trust you and that's why he's acting distant and slow to respond to your texts. His question is just a symptom of the problem. And you not telling him the truth about how he found out about the photo isn't helping with the trust issue either. It might seem like a small thing to you, but to him it might seem like you're hiding something. I would give him a few days to cool off and then talk to him about it. Apologize for not telling him the truth and explain your side of the story. Let him know that nothing happened with this other guy and that you understand why he might feel a bit insecure or jealous, but assure him that he has nothing to worry about. Thank you for your perspective. It’s good to see both sides. I can understand why he’s upset. When I did get sick, I went into cat mode and left abruptly because I was just about to vomit. He noticed me leaving and followed after me. I certainly didn’t ask him to and wasn’t in the state of mind/physical being to say go away. As far as the photo, I feel like I wasn’t hiding anything from my bf and even FaceTimed him from the spot where we all were. I’m assuming he got the photo from someone else. I agree with you. Give him a few days and then talk about it. There is nothing for him to worry about. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 9 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said: What led you to believe this other guy had a crush on you? He told me that he found me to be attractive. Not sure if that qualifies as a crush, but that’s why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 16 minutes ago, LadyA said: I’m sorry. It seems my message wasn’t read well. I wasn’t drunk at all. Didn’t eat for almost a day and had food poisoning. I understood your message. I hypothetically said "drunk" in scenario where your boyfriend would do something similar. But I guess you can imagine its "food poisoning" in that scenario as well. My question still stands. Would you be so cool with it or would you regarded it as "red flag"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 11 minutes ago, ShySoul said: Why do so many grown adults jump to conclusions and get angry with the other person without even trying to talk things over? Why does the other side respond by getting angry right back and making accusations rather then try to have a reasonable conversation? It's like everyone just want to be upset and find reasons to end things when a little communication and honesty could easily fix whatever misunderstanding has occured. You were not wrong to have your arm around him. It was an innocent picture and this person did a good thing in helping you out when you weren't feeling well. Your boyfriend is jumping to conclusions. However, given the circumstances, it is understandable. He saw a picture of you being very close to someone you admit has a crush on you. That would make a lot of guys uncomfortable. The issue is that he didn't trust you or give you a chance to explain. He acted poorly in distancing himself and not being mature even to talk and get an explanation. You also don't know how he came across the picture. Rather then be mad at him for lying about something you don't actually know the truth about, or get defensive at his response, try to see things from his perspective. The only way to deal with an issue is to tackle it head on, together. You both need to be mature enough to sit down and talk about it. You both need to be able to express how you feel and take the time to hear out and understand the other. Don't let a misunderstanding about a silly photo create an unfixable rift due to overreactions and childish behavior. Thank you. I’m going to give him time and space… I get the sense from bf that he wants it. Maybe I should be a bit more proactive to get him to talk, but am hoping he’ll let me know when he is ready. Thank you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: I understood your message. I hypothetically said "drunk" in scenario where your boyfriend would do something similar. But I guess you can imagine it’s "food poisoning" in that scenario as well. My question still stands. Would you be so cool with it or would you regarded it as "red flag"? Well, I’d be “cool” with it if it happened as it did… it was very embarrassing. I had vomit all over my dress, my legs, it was in my hair, it was absolutely gross. He helped me find the nearest bathroom and got me water. Also, when I did get sick, I went into cat mode and left abruptly because I was just about to vomit. He noticed me leaving and followed after me. I certainly didn’t ask him to and wasn’t in the state of mind/physical being to say go away. didn’t ask anyone to be with me. Thank you. I know you are trying to help me by seeing the other side of this and I appreciate it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 6 minutes ago, LadyA said: Thank you. I’m going to give him time and space… I get the sense from bf that he wants it. Maybe I should be a bit more proactive to get him to talk, but am hoping he’ll let me know when he is ready. Thank you. That's probably for the best. Let things cool down, give each other space and time to think. If he is willing to come back and talk, then try to resolve it and move on together. If he isn't, then it's his loss for letting his lack of trust and jealousy get in the way. Hope you can resolve things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 @LadyA does your boyfriend know he's attracted to you, crushing on you? If so, then I'm inclined to agree with @yogacatand in part @Kwothe28. It's totally fine having you be in the same photo together, but please be sensitive to your boyfriend's feelings (assuming there's a chance he might see it which he DID) and NOT make a point to have your arm around himl! Followed by him taking you home. What were you thinking there? Were you attempting to get him jealous? Or elicit feelings of uncertainty and insecurity? Not everyone can be as cool, nonchalant and non-reactive as the previous poster who saw nothing troubling about it. I think anyone who cared for their partner would question something like that. I would and I'm pretty relaxed about most things! Going forward, again please be sensitive to your partner's possible reaction to seeing you having your arm around a man who's attracted to and crushing on you. Followed by same guy taking you home. I realize it may sound petty to some people, but It's simply not a good look and can send the wrong message unless again you were intentionally trying to get him jealous. So perhaps that was the message? Not accusing just asking. How is your relationship in general? Do you both feel safe with each other? Is there mutual trust and respect? Are you exclusive? Anyway, without more context including hearing your boyfriends side, that is my initial assessment. I think there may be more to this than what you've chosen to share, jmo. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: @LadyA does your boyfriend know he's attracted to you, crushing on you? If so, then I'm inclined to agree with @yogacatand in part @Kwothe28. What were you thinking there? Were you attempting to get him jealous? Or elicit feelings of uncertainty and insecurity? Going forward, again please be sensitive to your partner's possible reaction. It's simply not a good look and can send the wrong message unless again you were intentionally trying to get him jealous. So perhaps that was the message? How is your relationship in general? Do you both feel safe with each other? Is there mutual trust and respect? Are you exclusive? Thank you for your response. The guy took his phone out and took a selfie of all of us. There was no intention of trying to make him jealous. In the photo, while my arm is around him, my body is as far away from his as possible… there was a lot of space between us, but my arm was touching his back. Overall, our relationship has been okay to good. He admittedly has trust issues given he divorced his ex-wife after she cheated on him. So this may be triggering for him. I’m exclusive with him and he says he’s not dating anyone else. However, he has gone on trips without me, the most recent one (a couple of weeks ago) to Las Vegas with some “guys” and called me a couple of times while there. None of the calls were at night though. He didn’t tell me the details of the trip. In fact, he went to a Lady Gaga concert… and told me after the fact. It was strange. I felt like he wanted “guy time” and didn’t want me to know much of what was going on. Also, I called him every night from my hotel room while I was there. Seems a bit unfair given his behavior in Las Vegas. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 1 hour ago, LadyA said: When I did get sick, I went into cat mode and left abruptly because I was just about to vomit. He noticed me leaving and followed after me. I certainly didn’t ask him to and wasn’t in the state of mind/physical being to say go away. That's fine but if he has a crush on you it's best to limit your interactions with him so he does not think that he has a chance with you given you're not available. I would also encourage you to examine your feelings towards this friend. Is there any attraction there even if small? Please be honest with yourself and if there is, distance yourself and cut contact as much as possible. Just to protect your relationship and yes maybe a bit of your boyfriend's ego is bruised. We at times have to set boundaries in friendships, especially when there may be a potential for attraction. In a perfect world, none of this would be an issue but unfortunately, that's not the case and we have to sometimes play defense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 29 minutes ago, LadyA said: He admittedly has trust issues given he divorced his ex-wife after she cheated on him. So this may be triggering for him. ^^This is what I was referring to. Be sensitive to his triggers, that's all. Personally I don't think that's too much to ask and would appreciate the same in return. If you can do that, you may alleviate much of this type of * from happening at all. Good luck.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 22 Author Share Posted July 22 18 minutes ago, yogacat said: That's fine but if he has a crush on you it's best to limit your interactions with him so he does not think that he has a chance with you given you're not available. I would also encourage you to examine your feelings towards this friend. Is there any attraction there even if small? Please be honest with yourself and if there is, distance yourself and cut contact as much as possible. Just to protect your relationship and yes maybe a bit of your boyfriend's ego is bruised. We at times have to set boundaries in friendships, especially when there may be a potential for attraction. In a perfect world, none of this would be an issue but unfortunately, that's not the case and we have to sometimes play defense. Agreed. I don’t have any romantic interest in this guy. I’m very grateful for him recognizing that I was ill that night, but that’s it. I am able to cut contact with him and absolutely will, especially if it would give my bf peace of mind. I honestly hope he will talk with me about it. He’s not ignoring me all together, but he’s being very distant. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 22 Author Share Posted July 22 20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: ^^This is what I was referring to. Be sensitive to his triggers, that's all. Personally I don't think that's too much to ask and would appreciate the same in return. If you can do that, you may alleviate much of this type of * from happening at all. Good luck.. Yes, I hear what you’re saying and honestly wasn’t trying to hurt him. It’s not a lot to ask. I really hope he will talk with me about it and feel very sad because of the distance. 🙏🏻 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 22 Author Share Posted July 22 3 hours ago, Cherylyn said: He's a liar which ranks right up there with other unforgivable offenses such as gaslighting, deceit, betrayal, theft, cheating and other major transgressions. One and done; two if you're lucky. Usually it's one and done unless you want to set yourself up by gambling on yet another risk which you'll most likely lose. Give him permanent space. Be safe and protect yourself. Don't associate with anyone who will give you a complicated, stressful, angst filled, hard life. ☹️ I can’t help but come to that conclusion since his story with the FB post makes zero sense. It’s like he’s too uncomfortable to tell me the truth about how he knew about this guy. And, the accusation isn’t appropriate either. Thank you for your perspective. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 22 Author Share Posted July 22 Should I text him and ask if he wants to talk or just leave him alone? His silence is really bothering me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 Eh, I would consider whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who projects his insecurity like this. He has essentially accused you of cheating by asking if this is the guy you brought home. Personally, I would be utterly insulted by the insinuation there and it would force me to think long and hard about continuing with him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyA Posted July 22 Author Share Posted July 22 Good point. He did accuse me of cheating… not ask if there’s something he should know or ask me to explain. Just asked “is this the guy who brought you home?” as if anyone brought me home. It’s interesting that I’m feeling twisted up about not hearing from him rather than taking time to reflect on his behavior towards me. Thank you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 4 hours ago, LadyA said: Good point. He did accuse me of cheating… not ask if there’s something he should know or ask me to explain. Just asked “is this the guy who brought you home?” as if anyone brought me home. It’s interesting that I’m feeling twisted up about not hearing from him rather than taking time to reflect on his behavior towards me. Thank you. I agree -separately -I'd avoid selfies/photos that are going to be posted that show you really close to or touching a male coworker -with rare exception - whether you are in a relationship or not - because of SM and how they spread and the impression they give. I had a friend running for public office who went to many events of course and she was told never ever have a photo with a glass of wine in your hand. (She never ever got drunk). Two weeks ago my husband and son and I met up with my dear friend's husband -I've known him since the late 1980s and was a bridesmaid. He was in our city on business. We took a fabulous selfie of the 4 of us with a great view and he was standing next to me as it turned out -despite the longstanding connections I made sure to keep it appropriately distanced (I do think he either had his hand on my back or looked that way -we had to scrunch in for the selfie) - my friend adores me but I didn't want her to see a picture of her husband and me that might make her the least bit uncomfortable -even though it was never going to be posted on any social media. I texted her the photo and she loved it. Always be alert to others' feelings particularly given SM. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 7 hours ago, LadyA said: It’s interesting that I’m feeling twisted up about not hearing from him rather than taking time to reflect on his behavior towards me. ^^Well perhaps HE needs this time alone to reflect on your behavior as well as his own behavior/reactions to determine if this relationship is one he wishes to continue. Under the circumstances, it may not be a bad thing. You should be doing same. There is a general lack of trust here among other issues for both of you; if/when you ever talk again, I would address that. And/or just break up. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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