Amelia_Amani Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 I am a girl in my early twenties, my life is going normally, studying, family, and so on. I have loved a man for 7 years, it started as a teenage crush and my feelings towards him developed, he was my classmate in school. I am religious and from conservative society and such, I never thought of entering into a relationship with him. I loved him one-sidedly and thought I would forget him with time. But I haven't forgotten, we went our separate ways because of university (studying in different fields and places) but we kept contact through social media, my heart still beats for him like it did the first time. I smile like a fool every time I talk to him. But these feelings have exhausted me, I feel drained and see no result. I feel like I am standing in the middle of nowhere, unable to let go and afraid to get closer, and the truth is, I don't know what to do. And to be fair, he has never treated me badly, he is always kind to me, laughs with me, smiles at me, and encourages me, but sometimes I feel he is not interested and that I am just a friend to him, nothing more, and will never be more because he tends to refer to me as 'sis'. It's just that the way he acts confuses me, one moment he is so caring and, the other he acts like I'm nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 hour ago, Amelia_Amani said: he has never treated me badly, he is always kind to me, laughs with me, smiles at me, and encourages me, but sometimes I feel he is not interested and that I am just a friend to him, nothing more, and will never be more because he tends to refer to me as 'sis'. It's just that the way he acts confuses me, one moment he is so caring and, the other he acts like I'm nothing. Well, are you reaching out to him a lot more than he initiates contact? I'm just guessing if that's the case that you overdo it, and it ends up annoying him or he tries to get some space, if that's what you mean by him acting like you're nothing. Besides studying and family, what do you do in your leisure time? Do you have any close friends that you hang out with? Do you belong to any university clubs? Do you have study groups with classmates? Basically, when two different people have two different relationship goals, it'll never work, as you're finding out. You are unfulfilled because he doesn't feel the same, and you are pouring a lot of time and emotional energy into him whereas you need to start redirecting for your own good. The friendship needs to fade to a point where you no longer have this deep crush, and if that can't happen, the friendship will have to end altogether. Stop initiating less often. Start thinking of him as a buddy. Shorten the conversations. See if that helps you move on, and if you don't have local friends, begin activities to develop friendships. Feel good about taking those first steps to emotional freedom from a dead end. Good luck and let us know how it goes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 It's unhealthy to obsess over him. He considers you as a sister at best or a nice friend. It might be actually better for you to start drifting apart and fade away because every time you think of him or see him, you want more from him than he's willing to give. These thoughts will spiral down to bad depression for you if it hasn't already. Since you're in your early 20's, concentrate on your studies, graduate, attain a good job and then you'll be surprised. High quality men who are serious about a relationship or legal commitment will come your way. My mother-in-law (MIL) said something to me long ago. She said, "While a lot of people are fooling around, eventually, the cream rises to the top." This means good things happen to those who busily toil and rewards come later. Or, those who are flailing aimlessly will lose while those who've remained focus on their endeavors will win later. You get the gist. MIL was a country girl and her idiom stems from a bucket of milk and later the cream rises to the top. Same analogy. 🫢 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 As one who has, for many years, loved from afar someone I can't be with, It is a thrilling yet utterly draining experience. Some days you feel as though things are great and can work out, no matter the obstacles. Other days you feel like crying and giving up. You want to throw caution to the wind and take the risk, while still still being paralyzed into inaction. The back and forth emotions are exhausting. At a certain point you just want to scream and wish for it all to go away. Assuming there is nothing inappropriate about this relationship, why haven't you entertained the idea of seeing if you can be more? Religious and conservative people have relationships. If you have felt something for seven years, it's not going to just go away. There is something there that you need to be able to resolve for yourself. And the only real way to resolve it is to see how he feels. Yes, it's scary. Yes, he may not be interested and that would hurt. But it's already hurting you. The lack of knowing is keeping you tied to these feelings. If he is willing to give it a shot, then you could potentially have what you've always dreamed about. And if he isn't, then you will have found out for sure and will be able to move on with time. But you will know one way or the other and won't be stuck in this draining limbo. You never know unless you take the chance. And not taking that chance hurts a lot more, believe me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 What would happen if you just stopped contacting him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 7 hours ago, Cherylyn said: It's unhealthy to obsess over him. He considers you as a sister at best or a nice friend. It might be actually better for you to start drifting apart and fade away because every time you think of him or see him, you want more from him than he's willing to give. These thoughts will spiral down to bad depression for you if it hasn't already. 2 hours ago, ShySoul said: And the only real way to resolve it is to see how he feels. Yes, it's scary. Yes, he may not be interested and that would hurt. But it's already hurting you. The lack of knowing is keeping you tied to these feelings. If he is willing to give it a shot, then you could potentially have what you've always dreamed about. And if he isn't, then you will have found out for sure and will be able to move on with time. But you will know one way or the other and won't be stuck in this draining limbo. I agree with both of these. It is draining you and is maybe best to either end all totally or speak up and admit to him how you feel - as its been 7 years now. Time to act or be done. But I found it best to NOT try & be friends with someone you have such feelings for and just be done with them so you can move on with your life. Its often also challenging for people of opposite sex to be true 'friends'. as one often gains feelings. So, think on this. Whats the best way to handle this? Is it best to stop tormenting yourself and leave him be? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chess103 Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 confess you feelings and go from there. if he rejects you, at least you'll know and can start the healing process with complete no contact. that's the only way or go completely no contact without confessing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 5 hours ago, chess103 said: confess you feelings and go from there. if he rejects you, at least you'll know and can start the healing process with complete no contact. that's the only way or go completely no contact without confessing. I wouldn't go for drama -no need. I think it's clear that this man is not into her romantically. If she must re-confirm I'd simply ask him out on a date she plans in advance -that saves her from any "confession" and saves him from having to hurt her by responding "I don't feel that way" because unless he responds enthusiastically with Yes I'd Love To!! she will know he's not interested in dating her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 17 hours ago, Amelia_Amani said: And to be fair, he has never treated me badly, he is always kind to me, laughs with me, smiles at me, and encourages me, but sometimes I feel he is not interested and that I am just a friend to him, nothing more, and will never be more because he tends to refer to me as 'sis'. It's just that the way he acts confuses me, one moment he is so caring and, the other he acts like I'm nothing. I wanted to say that the other side doesnt need to treat you badly in order for you to not hang around them and choose your own interest. Its enough that he doesnt want to be with you. And that you have a crush on him. That should be enough for you to just stop the contact, and perhaps seek somebody who would love you the same way you love them. Because this man isnt going to do that. But some other man will. And you just lose time not seeking that other man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 Be careful what you wish for. Feeling enamored of your classmate is just an illusion. He's not what he seems. A lot of times, your thoughts of him are dreamlike whereas the real person is not so exciting. Figment of your imagination of him is not reality and you really don't know him well. Unfortunately, once you get to know a guy well, he's not so 'Mr. Wonderful' after all. Some guys have a lot of incurable defects so don't put him on a pedestal in your mind. He may very well not be the type of guy to tick all of your boxes nor meet your expectations. Fantasy vs. reality are two separate things. It's time to wake up. 😳 Pump the brakes. Follow his cues and proceed with discretion. Consider him an acquaintance. Remain cordial, respectful, well mannered, polite while maintaining a cool distance so your rapport with him is mutual. In your mind, treat him like wallpaper. 🤨 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 22 hours ago, Amelia_Amani said: And to be fair, he has never treated me badly, he is always kind to me, laughs with me, smiles at me, and encourages me, but sometimes I feel he is not interested and that I am just a friend to him, nothing more, and will never be more because he tends to refer to me as 'sis'. It's just that the way he acts confuses me, one moment he is so caring and, the other he acts like I'm nothing. He's a kind person who is fond of you. He has zero interest in dating you & will never want to date you. If he did, the minute you turned 18 he would have said something by now. You have been friend-zoned. Him calling you "sis" is his way of telegraphing that he is NOT romantically interested in you. Sorry. Let go of the fantasy of him & move forward in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 22 Share Posted July 22 15 hours ago, SooSad33 said: I agree with both of these. It is draining you and is maybe best to either end all totally or speak up and admit to him how you feel - as its been 7 years now. Time to act or be done. But I found it best to NOT try & be friends with someone you have such feelings for and just be done with them so you can move on with your life. It's a crossroads. You either have to go one way or the other and accept whatever the end destination might be. But you can't keep going forward on the same path, doing the same thing. That will only leave you stuck at a dead end. I think it is possible to be friends once you've made up your mind, regardless the end result. It might take some adjustments and time, but it's possible. What prevents the friendship are the feelings of uncertainty around where everything stands. If you can work it out and find a way to both be okay with each other, then you can work past whatever comes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amelia_Amani Posted July 25 Author Share Posted July 25 I have read the comments with atmost appreciation, thank you all for the hearfelt words and advice Most were encouraging me to move on, I have been feeling this way for some time too but never had the courage to walk away I feel like I can do it now, I know it won't be easy but I will move on anyways Thank you again 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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