yogacat Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 I’m a bit unsure about the whole paying for dates thing. A guy and I had a great time together at a concert and afterwards, he asked if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat. I agreed. So we did, and I treated us both. Someone mentioned that it’s generally a good idea to pay for your own expenses on outings if you’re not interested in a romantic relationship, to avoid giving the wrong signals. Is this a good approach in this situation? They also mentioned that if you as a woman pay for both, that he is inclined to think that you're interested in him. FTR, paying has never been an issue in any of my long-term relationships, but since I have mostly been in LTR's, let's just say that my dating experience has been pretty minimal. Someone else says that you should ALWAYS insist that the man pays and accept graciously. I don't think that I 100% agree with that stance. Now, my ex paid for EVERYTHING when we were dating as he is very much a traditional gentleman like that. Strictly from the standpoint of etiquette, it’s generally a good idea to offer to pay your share of the bill, regardless of your level of interest in the person. This shows kindness and consideration towards the other person, and avoids any potential awkwardness or confusion later on. However, if the person insists on paying for everything, is it polite to graciously accept their offer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 3 minutes ago, yogacat said: Someone mentioned that it’s generally a good idea to pay for your own expenses on outings if you’re not interested in a romantic relationship, to avoid giving the wrong signals. Is this a good approach in this situation? If you were not interested, you could have paid just your share of the meal, but I see why you were trying to compensate considering the situation. My opinion is, the person who asks the other out pays and that's usually the man. Plus, when he pays, it shows he knows the very basic manners of how to be a gentleman. That's like the bare minimum. 5 minutes ago, yogacat said: However, if the person insists on paying for everything, is it polite to graciously accept their offer? Yea. Totally. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Here is what I did. If I had zero romantic interest I insisted on splitting at the first meet or date. If I had some or on the fence and he offered to pay/insisted I accepted because on the second or future dates I would offer to pay or offer to pay for the second activity etc. Or like I'd order movie tickets in advance and not let him pay me back. Also for first meets I did my best to decline dinner -maybe a quick during work day lunch at a fast casual place if that's the only way we could meet -my priority was meeting in person ASAP- so therefore if my coffee was $2 or water or whatever -I mean no biggie if he paid even if I knew it was a no go -if it was too awkward to pay him back. During early dating and when I dated most often the man treated but like I said I found ways to pay for things. I had one first meet where I knew it was a no go. The bill was $30 for coffee and dessert -a fancier cafe. I offered to split it and he said enthusiastically "thanks for treating I LOVE being pampered!!!" Um nope. I said -I mean to split. So he gave me $. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 As wih eveything it depends on the people involved and what they are comfortable with. So there is no best practice or right way to handle it. It's about what is best for the two people involved. As long as you communicate and are honest with each other, any solution can work. Personally I prefer to be the gentleman and at least offer to pay. If she is okay with it, then she should graciously accept. If she isn't, then I am fine splitting the bill and paying our own way. I've also found it works to alternate who pays. I'll take the first time, she takes the next. It all works out fairly even and netiher side feels like they aren't contributing or they are being taken advantage of. Who pays shouldn't be a sticking point that causes more anxiety or awkwardness. I'd rather let who wants to pay just pay and focus on enjoying the time together. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 6 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Here is what I did. If I had zero romantic interest I insisted on splitting at the first meet or date. If I had some or on the fence and he offered to pay/insisted I accepted because on the second or future dates I would offer to pay or offer to pay for the second activity etc. Or like I'd order movie tickets in advance and not let him pay me back. Also for first meets I did my best to decline dinner -maybe a quick during work day lunch at a fast casual place if that's the only way we could meet -my priority was meeting in person ASAP- so therefore if my coffee was $2 or water or whatever -I mean no biggie if he paid even if I knew it was a no go -if it was too awkward to pay him back. During early dating and when I dated most often the man treated but like I said I found ways to pay for things. I had one first meet where I knew it was a no go. The bill was $30 for coffee and dessert -a fancier cafe. I offered to split it and he said enthusiastically "thanks for treating I LOVE being pampered!!!" Um nope. I said -I mean to split. So he gave me $. Thanks for sharing how you handled it. The thing is, I have been on a date in the past where I was semi-interested, and I offered to pay towards the bill because I felt like it was the right thing to do. He didn't let me pay. That evening led to a few more dates but some people have told me that offering to pay can make him feel emasculated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 3 minutes ago, Batya33 said: had one first meet where I knew it was a no go. The bill was $30 for coffee and dessert -a fancier cafe. I offered to split it and he said enthusiastically "thanks for treating I LOVE being pampered!!!" Um nope. I said -I mean to split. So he gave me $. LOL 😂 He just assumed you'll be paying. I see why you wanted to split the bill! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 minute ago, yogacat said: That evening led to a few more dates but some people have told me that offering to pay can make him feel emasculated For some men. Yes. Some men take it as an offense because they like to provide whether the date works or not. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 We had this thread many times. Everyone is different. It's up to you in how you wish to be treated or pay. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 minute ago, yogacat said: That evening led to a few more dates but some people have told me that offering to pay can make him feel emasculated. If he is tying his manhood to his wallet and being able to pay for everything, that says something about his level of confidence in himself. I want to pay because I like being nice and treating someone I like. I'm not doing it because I want to prove myself as a man. I'd even say it's being more of a man to be gracious enough to let a woman pay if she wants to, respecting their right to do as they are most comfortable with. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: We had this thread many times. Everyone is different. It's up to you in how you wish to be treated or pay. I'm sure (i.e. we have similar threads many times). But I think you're right to your other point. It's kind of like the old adage, if it's the right dynamic and situation then it doesn't really matter too much. I just want to make sure I am not sending out wrong signals and that I am respecting his position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 4 minutes ago, ShySoul said: If he is tying his manhood to his wallet and being able to pay for everything, that says something about his level of confidence in himself. I want to pay because I like being nice and treating someone I like. I'm not doing it because I want to prove myself as a man. I'd even say it's being more of a man to be gracious enough to let a woman pay if she wants to, respecting their right to do as they are most comfortable with. True. I just wanted to make sure in this modern day that most guys wouldn't think that me insisting on paying was sending out a strong message and that it wouldn’t be seen as emasculating or a turn-off in any way. It sounds like as long as communication is clear and both parties are respectful, it shouldn’t be an issue. Thanks for your thoughts on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 3 minutes ago, yogacat said: I'm sure (i.e. we have similar threads many times). But I think you're right to your other point. It's kind of like the old adage, if it's the right dynamic and situation then it doesn't really matter too much. I just want to make sure I am not sending out wrong signals and that I am respecting his position. Communication, and body language can get that message across better. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 Just now, smackie9 said: Communication, and body language can get that message across better. Touché frisky cat, touché! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Hey Yoga! If it’s not romantic, and a man - I would split the bill without hesitation. When I go out with girlfriends, we either split the bill or if I haven’t seen them for awhile I will pay the bill most often whilst they go to the bathroom or are away from the table. If it’s romantic, for me personally, I would expect the man to pay, or the person who asked the other out on the date to pay. If it were two women in a lesbian relationship, the one asking for the date should pay, for example. But it really is each to their own. I know couples dating who always split, or they keep a loose tally and one pays one time and then the next time the other picks up the tab. If I’ve invited a friend out, I actually pay unless they insist. x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 If I were a man, even if it was a plutonic friendship, I would insist on paying the bill. But I’m not a guy so 🤣 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 21 Author Share Posted July 21 2 minutes ago, mylolita said: Hey Yoga! If it’s not romantic, and a man - I would split the bill without hesitation. When I go out with girlfriends, we either split the bill or if I haven’t seen them for awhile I will pay the bill most often whilst they go to the bathroom or are away from the table. If it’s romantic, for me personally, I would expect the man to pay, or the person who asked the other out on the date to pay. If it were two women in a lesbian relationship, the one asking for the date should pay, for example. But it really is each to their own. I know couples dating who always split, or they keep a loose tally and one pays one time and then the next time the other picks up the tab. If I’ve invited a friend out, I actually pay unless they insist. Hi Miss Lolita! I don't have much dating experience but I have been on a lot of first dates and he always paid. Now, I have read that some men feel that women are using them for free meals or entertainment if they always pay, with no intention of continuing to see them. I feel like I should at least offer to pay for my meal on the first date but I don't want to send out wrong signals. How do you typically handle paying on first dates? And have you ever had any awkward experiences or reactions from offering to pay or splitting the bill? I know you've been married at a young age but curious as to what your take is. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Age can make all the difference too. If I was dating now at 60, I bet money on it most if not ever guy that was 60+ would pay for the date because that's how they were brought up. Young people have all these different views/ideas due to SM influence, etc that we never had. IMO it's become a more complicated world out there making dating etiquette more confusing. That's why everyone needs to brush up on their communication skills to make this work better for them. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 10 minutes ago, yogacat said: Hi Miss Lolita! I don't have much dating experience but I have been on a lot of first dates and he always paid. Now, I have read that some men feel that women are using them for free meals or entertainment if they always pay, with no intention of continuing to see them. I feel like I should at least offer to pay for my meal on the first date but I don't want to send out wrong signals. How do you typically handle paying on first dates? And have you ever had any awkward experiences or reactions from offering to pay or splitting the bill? I know you've been married at a young age but curious as to what your take is. Yo Yo Miss Y! 🤣☕️ Sit down, let me rap to ya! They’re big boys. Adult men. They are willingly asking and taking you on a date that requires some expense! My opinion is, if they didn’t want to pay for anything, they could easily invite the lady for a walk, a beach stroll, to view a free art gallery, to chat on a bench watching the sun set, etc etc! The ball is in their court if they suggest dinner or drinks. I personally wouldn’t feel guilty at all or worry about what they think or if by letting them pay, it has offended them! I have only ever been on one first date and it was with the hubby 🤣🤣 CRAZY! How did that go? He invited me for drinks at a town type bar, and then to go watch a band in a club afterwards. He later told me the band thing was a backup plan if the date didn’t go well and he thought I didn’t want to talk to him anymore - I would have an excuse not too! As it stands, we never left the bar and they had to sweep us out at closing! 🥹 🍸 He paid without comment for all drinks. He just said, “What can I get you?” And I told him and said thank you! Second date was a walk along the river where he lived. Third date was a fancy meal. He simply paid before I knew it, he must have settled it with the waiter on the way to or back from the bathroom so there was no awkward “do you want to split the bill” discussion. I happen to do the same with friends sometimes and when we get up and say wait, we haven’t paid! I’ll just say it’s sorted, my treat! So me and my husband are strangely on similar pages in that regard. Like you in a relationship, I never paid for anything much from the moment I met him. I contributed to rent when I moved in for a few years, at a very minimal amount, and that was it. He’s always looked after me financially and I’ve never felt guilty about it…. LMAOOOOO! Is that bad? It works 🤌🤣 I would say if you are dating a traditional type of man, he will probably want to pay for you. If you are dating a modern minded kind of guy, he may be leaning more towards splitting the bill, or maybe paying for the first date then going halves a bit afterwards if things get going? I honestly have no clue because I have zero experience dating!!! Theoretically if I were thrown into todays dating market I don’t know what the male appetite would be for a traditional gal like me 🤣 And I don’t care actually yoga because those are my values so we’ll either match up or not! Ha!!! Follow what you think is right for you and what feels comfortable between you both as a dating couple? ♥️ 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 …orrrr as smackie talked about, date an older man 😎 Traditional values, simplicity, no big discussions on who pays. Be prepared to be wified and have him say he wants you to have 10,000 of his babies 🤣🤣🤣 Older men are a class above, in my opinion, sorry to side track, but it does fall into the dating etiquette and who pays value system. Older men are simply far more likely to pay for a few reasons - different culture and expectations growing up in another generation, and more likely to be financially established so happy and able to pay. A 9 year age difference has, for me and my husband, been a sweet spot that’s worked out nicely for - moralistically, value wise, romantically, lifestyle, and time frame for goals. And maybe, no discussion about who pays for the first date! 🤭🫡 x 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 …by the way Yoga, if there had been that pause, I would have genuinely offered to split the bill, but would have privately judged him if he had allowed me! x 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 43 minutes ago, yogacat said: I just wanted to make sure in this modern day that most guys wouldn't think that me insisting on paying was sending out a strong message and that it wouldn’t be seen as emasculating or a turn-off in any way. I think most men would be thrilled if you paid it since most modern women would never do that because they think its a mans duty to pay for their meal. Dont think it would send the message you want to send lol I never minded paying. Saw it as a gentlemanly thing to do and never thought I was "used" for a meal when most of my first dates where regular coffee dates. I wouldnt get poorer from a couple dollars bill. However, if the bill is bigger, I can see why men think women are taking advantage of them. There is a story about some Asian woman who through college never paid for meal because she had 6 dates a week. Not to find a man. Just to not pay for groceries. There is a known phenomenon around that called "Foodie Calls". So if the bill is bigger maybe splitting or paying isnt a bad idea from the point a man shouldnt feel used after. But I dont think it would send the message you want to send. You want to convey how you dont like them through the process of paying for a meal. I dont think it works that way. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 12 minutes ago, mylolita said: Theoretically if I were thrown into todays dating market I don’t know what the male appetite would be for a traditional gal like me 🤣 And I don’t care actually yoga because those are my values so we’ll either match up or not! Ha!!! Good point lolita. You'll either match up or not. So do what you feel comfortable with. If you want to offer, then offer.If you want to hold back and let him pay, do so. If he has a problem with it, either way, probably a sign it's not going to go far. So do what is right for you. The point of a date is to see if you are compatible. This is just another way to judge that. And I think there would be an appetite for traditional gals like you. There's an appetite for every type out there. And most guys probably aren't picky. As long as they are female, that tends to be the top type they are after.😄 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 hour ago, yogacat said: Thanks for sharing how you handled it. The thing is, I have been on a date in the past where I was semi-interested, and I offered to pay towards the bill because I felt like it was the right thing to do. He didn't let me pay. That evening led to a few more dates but some people have told me that offering to pay can make him feel emasculated. I disagree -fine to offer IMO. Getting loud and insistent is not IMO. And I absolutely think there is an etiquette/best practices to it with a healthy dose of common sense. I insisted on treating for a Chinese lunch when he traveled 1.5 hours to meet me. I found it impolite that he ordered an appetizer and an entree when he saw I only ordered an entree. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said: LOL 😂 He just assumed you'll be paying. I see why you wanted to split the bill! No he wanted me to pay because he loved "being pampered". As a guy I think he should have declined or said "at least let me leave the tip" Another time a guy wanted to take me to dinner for a first meet although I said I preferred drinks (I would have had no alcohol or maybe one glass of wine). He chose an expensive restaurant. Back then the bill was around $80. He accepted my offer to split (I offered because I found him boorish) and didn't offer to help get me a taxi let alone try to pay for it. And yes he wanted to see me again. Yes yes I offered but if he'd read the room he'd have seen - he chose a $$$ restaurant. He wanted to know specifically why I wouldn't see him again and was happy for the feedback and followed up months later to say it had worked. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 36 minutes ago, ShySoul said: Good point lolita. You'll either match up or not. So do what you feel comfortable with. If you want to offer, then offer.If you want to hold back and let him pay, do so. If he has a problem with it, either way, probably a sign it's not going to go far. So do what is right for you. The point of a date is to see if you are compatible. This is just another way to judge that. And I think there would be an appetite for traditional gals like you. There's an appetite for every type out there. And most guys probably aren't picky. As long as they are female, that tends to be the top type they are after.😄 Those are good points Shy! Well I mean, it’s probably controversial now! Has the dating game changed since 2008? Sounds like it has changed quite a lot!!! I would offer to pay if there was that awkward silence, that conversation - but I am old fashioned and that would be a mark against, and I’m sure likewise a mark against me from the man too 😆 Ciara Mia 🤣 x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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