Did I flirt with this other girl?

[wsddddddd]

The other day I was talking to a friend who I'd met at an event. She told me she was from Ghana and to be funny/carry on the conversation I told her I had plantain the day before. We had a conversation about cultural foods that I thought was a funny and nice interaction, but when I was telling my girlfriend about the conversation with her later that night, she got upset at me saying I was flirting with her. I first didn't take it seriously because how is talking about food I ate flirting, but she went on to say that even if I didn't think I was flirting she sees it differently and I could've flirted unitentionally. She even said she was going to do the same and talk with another guy for me to see how it felt, which I see as toxic - but I think she wasn't being serious, plus I doubt she'd actually do it.

I told her I didn't have that intention and it was literally just basic, platonic small talk and I was trying to be funny/relatable to my african friends by telling them I had plantain. It also wasn't just her and I'd told my other friends that I'd had plantain too as a sort of funny, half-joking flex, but she saw it as me flirting with others too. I also told her I'd get it if I complimented her or asked for her number, which would be flirting/cheating, but I didn't and regardless I'll never even be seeing her again because it was an event. She then said I was calling her crazy and didn't care about her feelings. I said I understood how she felt because I've felt the same, but there was no reason to be upset because I didn't flirt and I was literally talking about myself/food. 

I tried to tell her she should trust me and that me having a conversation about foods with the opposite gender isn't flirting and I didn't have that intention.

After all of this I feel guilty and apologised to her. Am I wrong for talking to that girl?

[MissCanuck]

Is your girlfreind generally horribly insecure? 

She's being ridiculous. And yes, this is an immature reaction: 

1 hour ago, wsddddddd said:

She even said she was going to do the same and talk with another guy for me to see how it felt

You are seeing a red flag here. Ignore it at your own risk. 

[Batya33]

I've had many such conversations with men I meet in airports, neighbors, while out for my exercise, and on and on for many decades. I'm married.  I didn't stop having those conversations when I was dating or involved with someone or married.  I wasn't flirting and my husband never noticed or expressed any concerns.  I'm also quite good at flirting. Yes I know the difference, no I don't flirt inappropriately.  I personally couldn't date someone who monitored my interactions to that degree and read into them to that degree.

I'd also avoid the path of "well if I'd done X it would have been flirting" - not going to lead anywhere productive with a jealous person.  Yes if you'd asked this woman out for lunch to sample ethnic food together and not invited your gf, fine.  

I mean sure if you were standing very close in a suggestive way to this woman I could see that.  

[Andrina]

Think about if you actually like it when your gf gets jealous, and if you're baiting her with what you've said in conversation with other females.

I don't bore my husband with minutiae of my day when it comes to what I said to co-workers, relatives, or friends unless I'm positive it will interest him. Often not, since what I found funny or interesting with, say, a co-worker won't translate in the same way because of private jokes, or business stuff that wouldn't interest someone not in that business, etc. Basically a case of "you had to be there."

Not knowing about what your overall relationship is like, just start noting if the same problem keeps arising that never is resolved. If you're upset more than satisfied. If you have to walk on eggshells all the time. If you're part of the problem and changing your behavior improves things. You can always read books together on how to better communicate and behave as a couple, or decide you're like oil and water and will never be good together.

[yogacat]

Yes. You were wrong for talking to this girl. Didn't you know that if someone of the opposite talks to you, you're supposed to put a bag over your head and quarantine yourself in a cellar until you die a virgin? 

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

Of course, you are not wrong for talking to that girl. You were just trying to have a fun and interesting conversation, and it's completely normal to talk to people of the opposite gender. Your girlfriend should trust and believe in you, and not assume that every interaction you have with someone else is flirting or cheating.

I mean, her reaction is borderline toxic.  She shouldn't try to control who you talk to or dictate your behavior.

That being said, it's important to communicate with your girlfriend and talk through any insecurities she may have. Reassure her that she is the only one for you and that you have no intention of being unfaithful.

But ultimately, it's not your responsibility to ease her insecurities. She needs to work on trusting you and overcoming any trust issues she may have. Don't apologize for something that you did nothing wrong for.

Sometimes people get a bit territorial when they feel like their partner is engaging in a conversation with someone else that could be seen as flirting. So it's important to show your girlfriend that you prioritize her feelings but also stand your ground.

[Cherylyn]

I don't see anything wrong with talking about food with others.  If you over do it with too much enthusiasm talking to this girl at length,  then I'd feel the same way as your girlfriend and wouldn't like it. 

Whenever my husband and I socialize with others we do it in good taste where we're cordial but not overly friendly.  We respect each other in that way and to be clear,  it has nothing to do with trust which can be a misnomer regarding this topic with opposite genders.  Exercise discretion.

[Batya33]

OP was your gf there or you told her about this and if so why did you? 

Many years ago when my baby/toddler was in the jogging stroller I met a man who was on the same jogging trail as me often at the same time.  We chatted as we kept pace -about our city, parenting (he was a dad of older kids) like that and it was pleasant and passed  the time! I asked my mom about it -I was newly married and wanted to know what she thought -she said she thought it was great that I found someone to chat with. After some time he didn't come anymore.  I never mentioned it to my husband -he is not the jealous type but -why- now if this man had asked to see me outside of the jogging path I'd either have declined or seen if my husband wanted to meet him -if it had been that we had that much in common.  But also - then I'd likely have kept my distance as that would have seemed marginally inappropriate -but I still wouldn't have mentioned to my husband.  

(This was because of Andrina's post -I agree).

[ShySoul]

You should have chosen a less provacative food. Something larger then a banana with thick skin and being sweet and savory... obviously you were implying things with that innuendo. 😉

No, you were not wrong to talk to another person and engage in a friendly conversation. You have nothing to feel guilty about. And even if something you said had bordered on unintentional flirting, that wouldn't be cheating or a reason to feel bad. Unless you are trying to hit on someone on purpose, which it doesn't sound like you would, then you are fine to talk to whomever you want about whatever you want. 

Do you know if there is a reason she is paranoid about this? Has she been with someone before who would flirt or did cheat on her? Does she struggle with self-esteem issues? Understanding why she feels this way may help you to better relate to her feelings and help you figure out a way to get her to see that a simple conversation isn't a reason to get upset.

[yogacat]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

You should have chosen a less provacative food. Something larger then a banana with thick skin and being sweet and savory... obviously you were implying things with that innuendo. 

I never knew plantains were secret innuendo. What if we talked about empanadas? They have a tough and crispy exterior. It makes me wonder, do certain foods automatically become labeled as innuendo just because?

Innuendos come from the context/setting and how they are used by the speakers. In this case, OP joked about having plantain the other day and then proceeded to have a conversation with the Ghanaian friend about cultural foods. While their conversation may not have been deliberately flirty, it could have been interpreted as such by OP's girlfriend, especially since they were not together at the time.

If anything, she could have taken offense to OP talking about having plantains with someone else, or felt jealous/insecure about their conversation. How dare you talk about food with another woman! lol

[ShySoul]

29 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I never knew plantains were secret innuendo. What if we talked about empanadas? They have a tough and crispy exterior. It makes me wonder, do certain foods automatically become labeled as innuendo just because?

Be careful what you talk about. You might be making people here very hungry. Or something else that begins with an h.... 😉

I don't think plantains are considered innenundo, but I couldn't resist the joke. And you never know. A little creativity and you could turn a lot of things into something suggestive. 

I can see the girlfriend becoming suspicious if she wasn't there. She has a point that conversations can turn flirty without you realizing. Think the problem is the overreaction to it. Suggesting she should go and flirt with someone else in response and saying he didn't care about her feelings is getting way more upset then is called for. 

And if you want food inneundo: https://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Innuendo_20Cafe

https://forum.schizophrenia.com/t/sexy-food-puns/61789

 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I never knew plantains were secret innuendo. What if we talked about empanadas? They have a tough and crispy exterior. It makes me wonder, do certain foods automatically become labeled as innuendo just because?

Innuendos come from the context/setting and how they are used by the speakers. In this case, OP joked about having plantain the other day and then proceeded to have a conversation with the Ghanaian friend about cultural foods. While their conversation may not have been deliberately flirty, it could have been interpreted as such by OP's girlfriend, especially since they were not together at the time.

If anything, she could have taken offense to OP talking about having plantains with someone else, or felt jealous/insecure about their conversation. How dare you talk about food with another woman! lol

Oh for example I married a Non Coffee Drinker so if I were to meet a person -man or woman -who was a coffee afficionado like me we'd talk about our favorite brands of ground coffee and perhaps even the - addition of chicory a la Cafe Du Monde.

And I wouldn't give a hill of beans if my husband was jealous ......;-)

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

chicory a la Cafe Du Monde

What is that! It sounds delicious ☺ 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, yogacat said:

What is that! It sounds delicious ☺ 

Ahh I see -New Orleans coffee is coffee blended with chicory.  So it's -bitter and dark/intense -but I like it that way.  Cafe Du Monde is a famous cafe in New Orleans with its own brand of coffee and beignets.  Then there is a copycat blend called Community Coffee that also has the coffee and chicory blend.  I've been to New Orleans a couple of times.  It's so lovely to visit.  I never went pre Katrina though.

[shouldhavelearned]

Wrong word choice for sure.

[wsddddddd]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

OP was your gf there or you told her about this and if so why did you? 

Many years ago when my baby/toddler was in the jogging stroller I met a man who was on the same jogging trail as me often at the same time.  We chatted as we kept pace -about our city, parenting (he was a dad of older kids) like that and it was pleasant and passed  the time! I asked my mom about it -I was newly married and wanted to know what she thought -she said she thought it was great that I found someone to chat with. After some time he didn't come anymore.  I never mentioned it to my husband -he is not the jealous type but -why- now if this man had asked to see me outside of the jogging path I'd either have declined or seen if my husband wanted to meet him -if it had been that we had that much in common.  But also - then I'd likely have kept my distance as that would have seemed marginally inappropriate -but I still wouldn't have mentioned to my husband.  

(This was because of Andrina's post -I agree).

We were just talking about our days and I casually mentioned it like it was nothing but a part of my day.

I thought I might as well tell her because there wasn't anything wrong with it and she shouldn't have got jealous, but I was wrong haha. 

Thank you to everyone for the replies! She quickly got over it and wasn't upset the next morning, so I'd say it was an overreaction in the moment. 

[wsddddddd]

17 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Do you know if there is a reason she is paranoid about this? Has she been with someone before who would flirt or did cheat on her? Does she struggle with self-esteem issues? Understanding why she feels this way may help you to better relate to her feelings and help you figure out a way to get her to see that a simple conversation isn't a reason to get upset.

Not really, we're each other's first so my best guess is that it's based off of social media and stuff she's been influenced by, or insecurity. I reassure her at times when she says she's insecure, but I'm not sure if it really helps.

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, wsddddddd said:

Not really, we're each other's first so my best guess is that it's based off of social media and stuff she's been influenced by, or insecurity. I reassure her at times when she says she's insecure, but I'm not sure if it really helps.

I'm glad this situation was resolved -and- you really believe your gf is that "influenced" by SM that she would react in this way in her personal relationships? Do you find her to be intelligent and also emotionally intelligent?

I'd refrain from telling her anecdotes about conversations with random women you encounter - unless it's a woman you plan on keeping in touch with and introducing to her.

[yogacat]

Is there a part of you that likes that your girl gets jealous at mild indications? Just curious because some couples like the tension and find it fun to flirt casually like that, as long as it stops there. Don't mean any disrespect just curious.
 

[catfeeder]

Sounds exhausting to censor yourself on every interaction you may have with 50% of the population.

[smackie9]

The best thing you can do going forward is to stop telling your GF about how you were interacting with other women because no matter what you say, she's gong to twist it around to make you feel bad due to her insecurity.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, wsddddddd said:

Not really, we're each other's first so my best guess is that it's based off of social media and stuff she's been influenced by, or insecurity. I reassure her at times when she says she's insecure, but I'm not sure if it really helps.

This is your first relationship? Then it's a learning process for both of you. Her idea of a relationship may be based off of random or unrealistic things. There is a lot of crazy and just plain bad advice that gets floated around. Try to ignore it and focus on communicating with each other and handling things reasonably. You seem to have a good grasp on things. You may need to be patient with her though. Reassuring her is nice of you.

Don't feel like you should have to censure or change yourself though. If you can objectively say you did nothing wrong, then don't feel bad about it. Her insecurities are not about you, they are about her. Help her though it if you want, but don't feel like it's all your responsibility.

And it does help. It might not solve everything as that has to fall to her. But having someone there does help.