Saving myself from someone mentally & emotionally abusive

[Rocky.Green99]

Hi guys. I broke up with my ex 8 days ago. We were together for 9 months. I love him so much, but because of the following major reasons I mustered up the courage to say goodbye:

- he spends time w/ me once a week which consist of him coming over at around 11pm, we'd make love, then he'd fall asleep then we wake up the following morning to go to work. He works from home..

- he always has time for friends, bday parties, baby showers, etc. but we dont have enough time together. Whenever i point this out he said to give him time to adjust. I tried waiting but it was always like this. 

- none of his friends and family know about me. No one even knows he has a gf and that he is in a relationship. I asked why, he said he isnt ready. 

- Lately we’ve been fighting more - he'd text in the morning with "good morning. Take care driving to work" and wouldn’t reply to my messages til hours (5-7 hrs or even 10 hrs) later but id see him online on instagram & messenger. He denies being online but everyday its like this. He's always online on IG. I asked to see his IG he got mad. So when i saw him put his phone down one time I took it. His face went so pale and he wrestled me from me. Im 5'3" 120 pounds and he is 5'11", 160 pounds. When he finally locked his phone he backed out and I said I didnt see anything but your reaction tell me you're hiding something.

-My dad passed away 2 months ago. Two hrs after my dad passed away i stopped by his place. By then I told him the news. He got in my car & kissed me. He said, "your lips are so warm i want to put my --ck inside it. He also offered to have sex with me there but then said he still has work and my car windows arent tinted so we cant do it. He said he was just trying to distract me from the pain. 

- lately ive been asking him to talk about our relationship and how we can fix things. He keeps on deflecting it and just says "look im busy with work ok? And youre adding to the stress. Instead of you being my rest from work, youre the source of my stress".

-i said can i come with you grocery shopping for your upcoming trip, he said "no. Youre just going to interfere with the items ill buy, i already have a list in my mind what i need to buy. Youll just get in the way"

-he has gaslighted me so many times i cant begin to write examples. 

I asked him what do you need me for then? You dont want to spend time w/ me, share anything w/ me, dont want to talk w/ me, we dont even chat anymore considering we see each other once a week only. What do you need me for then? All that and maybe someone else has your attention now too. I said there isnt a reason for me to stay anymore so im saying goodbye. 

My bestfriend who happens to be a therapist told me that this person has mentally and emotionally abused me - with the gaslighting and treating me like this. 

It hurts so much. I dont even know why I feel some regret breaking up w/ someone who treated me poorly. I know Im the one who said goodbye but I find myself wondering if he will reach out and ask for another chance. I dont know why, knowing he treated me badly. 

[chess103]

he will only reach out if his rotation for other woman depletes and even that he may not.

he used you for sex and sex only. he probably had multiple side chicks. you were probably 5th or so on his rotation. maybe 3rd, maybe 8th. who knows. but I do know that you weren't his #1. who the eff asks to put their coc k in someone's mouth after their dad passes. I'm far from a good guy (look at my post) but that's messed up.

sorry this happened to you but he never perceived you as his girlfriend. just a booty call. don't go back to him even if he comes back. if he does come back, guess what? he'll immediately try to get in your pants asap. is that what you want?

[ShySoul]

I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to find some good in everyone.

But a person who asks for oral and sex while their girlfriend is grieving the loss of their father (only a couple of hourse earlier) is beyond redeeming! He isn't worth a single tear or second of your time. You deserve far better then this person could ever give you.

It's okay that it hurts. It's okay to miss him. There must have been something in the early stages that attracted you, something that made you see a better person then he turned out to be. You aren't missing the person that he is as much as the person you thought he would be and wanted him to be. There is still some hope that maybe he can change and will realize his mistakes. That's natural when we break up with someone. Even though all logical signs show this is who they are, part of us wants to cling to the hope that things could be different. 

Stay strong. Keep repeating to yourself all the things you mentioned. Print this post and put it somewhere you can read when you start to miss him. He didn't really care and couldn't give you the love or respect you deserve. Your life is better without him. Keep reminding yourself of that. Eventually it will sink it and you'll only feel they joy of being rid of him.

There are plenty of real men out there who wouldn't keep you as a secret, would try to spend as much time with you as possible, and wouldn't blame you for their issues. You can and will do better. He, meanwhile, will be stuck with himself and will never find anything real and meaningful as long as he keeps this attitude.

Hope you feel better. Hang in there.

[poorlittlefish]

You literally give a list of all the reasons why this guy is a very poor boyfriend and you wonder if he'll reach out and ask for another chance?  No, no, no!!!  Block and delete his number.  Over time you will feel better about ending things and glad that you did.  If you entertain the idea of allowing this man back into your life (and your body) you will be lining yourself up for more of the same - worse, probably, because he'd know he can be as horrible as he likes to you and get away with it.

[MissCanuck]

I dion't think this man is even single, OP. 

Please block and delete him everywhere, and work on understanding why you accepted such poor treatment for so long. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

You literally give a list of all the reasons why this guy is a very poor boyfriend and you wonder if he'll reach out and ask for another chance? 

^^This is what am wondering too!   

I mean what he heck, I wouldn't even refer to him as a "boyfriend." 

I mean stopping by at 11:00 pm to basically **** you, then leaving combined with everything else, if I may ask have you ever had a real boyfriend?  A boyfriend who cared about you and loved you?  

Nothing about this person spells "boyfriend" to me.  FB sounds more appropriate from what you've described, I'm sorry. 

10 hours ago, Rocky.Green99 said:

My bestfriend who happens to be a therapist told me that this person has mentally and emotionally abused me - with the gaslighting and treating me like this. 

^^Did they bother to ask you what has kept you in this situationship for nine months and why you're now missing him and hoping he reaches out and wants another chance?

That is what I suggest you focus on and finding a good objective therapist who will help you navigate your feelings about that. 

YOUR feelings and why you chose to tolerate such nonsense for nine months and now wanting to give him another chance. 

Let HIM figure his own s*** out.  You work on you. 

[DarkCh0c0]

11 hours ago, Rocky.Green99 said:

My dad passed away 2 months ago. Two hrs after my dad passed away i stopped by his place. By then I told him the news. He got in my car & kissed me. He said, "your lips are so warm i want to put my --ck inside it. He also offered to have sex with me there but then said he still has work and my car windows arent tinted so we cant do it. He said he was just trying to distract me from the pain. 

HUH??!!!

What the actual ***?!

The whole dynamic is bad.

OP why are your boundaries and self-respect so low? So low you'd do anything to please a man who treats you poorly. He has no time for you, and he sees you as a side chick. He was never serious about you. Sigh...

Honey, STOP being a people pleaser and STOP trying to get approval from someone who is NOT partner material.

Take some time and space to grieve. Everything you said about him just goes to show how poor of a man he is. He is a selfish a**. Block and delete his number.

Please take a break from dating all together and pick up some self esteem books. You need to figure out why you allowed yourself to stay with such a person. You are worthy of healthy love 🩷

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Rocky.Green99 said:

-My dad passed away 2 months ago. Two hrs after my dad passed away i stopped by his place. By then I told him the news. He got in my car & kissed me. He said, "your lips are so warm i want to put my --ck inside it. He also offered to have sex with me there but then said he still has work and my car windows arent tinted so we cant do it. He said he was just trying to distract me from the pain. 

 

What in a Gods name? 😳

From your examples I dont think you were abused in a sense of that word. Unless you consider wrestling him for his phone an act of abuse. Which is something on you because you were trying to invade his privacy. Says about you as much as it says about him. But you mentioned numerous fights and gaslighting so maybe he did called you names during those or even hurted you in other ways. I do however think you were "used".

Somebody with no empathy like your ex(because I consider what I quoted total lack of empathy from his side), and who is so prone to gaslighting, is a textbook example of narcissism. See, narcissists dont seek relationships, only "worshipers". So you just being somebody who he see on the side and has sex once in a while, while you are thinking you have relationship, is something narcissists are prone at. Wouldnt be surprised he had couple of more like you. Explains all that secrecy and not even introducing you to friends in all that time you were supposedly together. So he probably "gaslighted" you in that way too. 

[Cherylyn]

He's just using you for sex.  Time to dump him.

Gaslighting?  Really dump him.  ☹️

[Andrina]

12 hours ago, Rocky.Green99 said:

It hurts so much. I dont even know why I feel some regret breaking up w/ someone who treated me poorly. I know Im the one who said goodbye but I find myself wondering if he will reach out and ask for another chance. I dont know why, knowing he treated me badly. 

Please let your brain override your heart right now and block him. This will allow many things. A quicker closure. No way for the jerk to contact you in a weak moment when you'll make a very wrong decision of giving him access to you once again. And to let one day build into weeks and months until you have so much distance and time away from him that you'll pat yourself on the back that you made the right decision, albeit not soon enough.

As said, be alone to work on your self-love or you're bound to keep repeating mistakes like him. Take care.

[Tanzi]

I am so glad that this guy is now an ex! What he did after you lost your dad was disgusting. What a despicable human being. This was not a relationship. It was nothing more than a guaranteed once-a-week lay for him! Do not wish him back in your life, you can have so much better than this. 

[ShySoul]

23 hours ago, Rocky.Green99 said:

It hurts so much. I dont even know why I feel some regret breaking up w/ someone who treated me poorly. I know Im the one who said goodbye but I find myself wondering if he will reach out and ask for another chance. I dont know why, knowing he treated me badly. 

Don't blame yourself. You aren't the first person that has stayed with someone unhealthy for you and you sadly won't be the last. No one wants to believe a person is capable of being like that. We want to see the good in someone. And people like that are good at manipulating and twisting our emotions so that they can get continue to get away with it.

Use this time look within yourself and figure out why you are feeling that regret. Why did you get with him in the first place? Why did you let it continue when you knew things weren't right? This shouldn't be about him. It is clear he is a miserable being who isn't worth your time. Instead make it about you. Build back your self confidence. Take the time to heal and work on being happy with you. Address whatever issues within you may have lead you to accept this behavior. 

Do your own research. Too many people stay in emotionally abusive situations, so there are resources out there and help from people who know exactly what you are going through. 

Hope you can break the cycle and find some happiness.

https://www.marriage.com/advice/domestic-violence-and-abuse/why-people-stay-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

[yogacat]

I'm not sure you're posting for cathartic reasons (since you haven't responded since Friday...) but I just want to say that you absolutely did the right thing. What he did to you is called "benching" ---> he dates/sleeps with you only when he needs or wants you. He absolutely does not value you in any way.

As hard it is right now, as painful and unsettling it is right now - - just remember that not respecting someone like that is their dysfunction, not yours.

That said. There IS a reason you're 8 days out and still pondering a future with this person, hoping that something unfixable can and will be fixed...

But I can tell you that sort of hope is a fool's game. You lose every time you actively pursue being thought after by someone that you think is good or worthy who is damaging you. That's where the self-worth comes in.

If you think you're worthy of having another partner that's not emotionally damaging you then you're already half way there. If you're not, well, then however long you stick with this guy is on you.

I'm very sorry to hear about your father. I have not lost a parent, but I can imagine and empathize with the sort of feeling of being vulnerable because you lost someone essential.

Which sorta indicates, too, that living with a life-shattering event significantly impacts your ability to recognize crappy behavior. But you did it, you broke up with him, so you ARE recognizing crappy behavior (even when under extra duress).

That's a testament of how strong you are. Just don't go back!

[smackie9]

OK so look at this as a lesson learned...don't date someone that keeps you a secret, or sees you only once a week, makes you question yourself when YOU KNOW something is not right. You will figure this out in no time.

[Rocky.Green99]

Hello everyone. Thank you for all your responses. They're helpful because it reinforces that I made the right decision. I feel like because Ive been told numerous times that Im the problem or that Im just starting an argument many times by this person when I tell him my feelings and bring up our issues, I sometimes dont trust myself anymore. 

I paid my credit card bill yesterday and saw some orders from Door Dash (food delivery service) and it reminded me that all our staycations (3-4 times for a night or two within the city) and all the food I had delivered for us whether we were at my place or in one of those staycations, I paid for all that myself. He never once offered to share in the expenses. I always thought one day he'd chip in. Every week Id drop off food for him too on the busiest day of his work week. Back then I thought it was me being supportive and caring. Looking back, he never brought me food. Ever. Not even when he came over. Not even when I asked for soup in December when i was sick. I feel so stupid right now. 

Im proud of myself for not crying yesterday. I might today or tomorrow but im happy yesterday I didnt. Because for me whenever I get the point of crying it would be because the memories of him triggered so much hurt and pain and yesterday it didnt so im glad. 

He's away in Asia for vacation to spend time with family and friends and Im sure he's living the life. I feel like im at my lowest because I lost a father 2 months ago and a partner.  But I know I'll get through this. I have to be strong. And you guys certainly help. Thank you ❤️

[Rocky.Green99]

On 7/19/2024 at 10:06 PM, chess103 said:

he will only reach out if his rotation for other woman depletes and even that he may not.

he used you for sex and sex only. he probably had multiple side chicks. you were probably 5th or so on his rotation. maybe 3rd, maybe 8th. who knows. but I do know that you weren't his #1. who the eff asks to put their coc k in someone's mouth after their dad passes. I'm far from a good guy (look at my post) but that's messed up.

sorry this happened to you but he never perceived you as his girlfriend. just a booty call. don't go back to him even if he comes back. if he does come back, guess what? he'll immediately try to get in your pants asap. is that what you want?

Thank you. I really needed to hear this

[Rocky.Green99]

On 7/19/2024 at 10:30 PM, ShySoul said:

I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to find some good in everyone.

But a person who asks for oral and sex while their girlfriend is grieving the loss of their father (only a couple of hourse earlier) is beyond redeeming! He isn't worth a single tear or second of your time. You deserve far better then this person could ever give you.

It's okay that it hurts. It's okay to miss him. There must have been something in the early stages that attracted you, something that made you see a better person then he turned out to be. You aren't missing the person that he is as much as the person you thought he would be and wanted him to be. There is still some hope that maybe he can change and will realize his mistakes. That's natural when we break up with someone. Even though all logical signs show this is who they are, part of us wants to cling to the hope that things could be different. 

Stay strong. Keep repeating to yourself all the things you mentioned. Print this post and put it somewhere you can read when you start to miss him. He didn't really care and couldn't give you the love or respect you deserve. Your life is better without him. Keep reminding yourself of that. Eventually it will sink it and you'll only feel they joy of being rid of him.

There are plenty of real men out there who wouldn't keep you as a secret, would try to spend as much time with you as possible, and wouldn't blame you for their issues. You can and will do better. He, meanwhile, will be stuck with himself and will never find anything real and meaningful as long as he keeps this attitude.

Hope you feel better. Hang in there.

Thank you. I remember when he picked me up from the airport after going through the wake and funeral of my dad (my family lives in Asia), I took his hand to hold it. He began poking my palm with his finger which is like his sign that he wants s_x. I asked what are you doing? He said oh i know you're sad leaving your family so im just trying to distract you.  Ugh

[Rocky.Green99]

On 7/20/2024 at 9:29 AM, Cherylyn said:

He's just using you for sex.  Time to dump him.

Gaslighting?  Really dump him.  ☹️

I did, yes. Last July 11th and so far Ive been really good at not contacting him. 

[Rocky.Green99]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

I'm not sure you're posting for cathartic reasons (since you haven't responded since Friday...) but I just want to say that you absolutely did the right thing. What he did to you is called "benching" ---> he dates/sleeps with you only when he needs or wants you. He absolutely does not value you in any way.

As hard it is right now, as painful and unsettling it is right now - - just remember that not respecting someone like that is their dysfunction, not yours.

That said. There IS a reason you're 8 days out and still pondering a future with this person, hoping that something unfixable can and will be fixed...

But I can tell you that sort of hope is a fool's game. You lose every time you actively pursue being thought after by someone that you think is good or worthy who is damaging you. That's where the self-worth comes in.

If you think you're worthy of having another partner that's not emotionally damaging you then you're already half way there. If you're not, well, then however long you stick with this guy is on you.

I'm very sorry to hear about your father. I have not lost a parent, but I can imagine and empathize with the sort of feeling of being vulnerable because you lost someone essential.

Which sorta indicates, too, that living with a life-shattering event significantly impacts your ability to recognize crappy behavior. But you did it, you broke up with him, so you ARE recognizing crappy behavior (even when under extra duress).

That's a testament of how strong you are. Just don't go back!

Hello. Thank you for your comment. I posted to know what others think of what Im going through and also to get things off my chest. 

My mind knows this person isnt good for me, isnt good to me. And I have more reasons than the ones I wrote here to know that I wasnt treated well. I was taken for granted and I do feel used. I gave him numerous chances when I tried to break things off before and he kept asking for a chance. Obviously he doesnt respect me. 

Me leaving him and saying goodbye and him letting me literally walk away after I said was probably easy for him as it was an "out" especially if he has another girl somewhere - which I really suspect he does because of how weird he has been and the whole Instagram secrecy thing. 

You're right - i am recognizing crappy behaviour despite going through a life-shattering event of losing my father. 

I just cant wrap my head around how someone can be cruel like this, knowing Ive lost my dad and still treat me like this. 
 

[Rocky.Green99]

On 7/20/2024 at 12:11 AM, poorlittlefish said:

You literally give a list of all the reasons why this guy is a very poor boyfriend and you wonder if he'll reach out and ask for another chance?  No, no, no!!!  Block and delete his number.  Over time you will feel better about ending things and glad that you did.  If you entertain the idea of allowing this man back into your life (and your body) you will be lining yourself up for more of the same - worse, probably, because he'd know he can be as horrible as he likes to you and get away with it.

I agree with you. He's taken me for granted several times and Ive tried to break things off but he keeps asking for another chance so I keep giving in. I feel like through time he lost respect for me because by taking him back over and over again, it conditioned him to think and see that he can treat me however he wants and that Id still be here. This time though it's real - i said goodbye, he let me walk away, and he hasnt gotten in touch since then.

[Rocky.Green99]

On 7/20/2024 at 9:10 AM, DarkCh0c0 said:

HUH??!!!

What the actual ***?!

The whole dynamic is bad.

OP why are your boundaries and self-respect so low? So low you'd do anything to please a man who treats you poorly. He has no time for you, and he sees you as a side chick. He was never serious about you. Sigh...

Honey, STOP being a people pleaser and STOP trying to get approval from someone who is NOT partner material.

Take some time and space to grieve. Everything you said about him just goes to show how poor of a man he is. He is a selfish a**. Block and delete his number.

Please take a break from dating all together and pick up some self esteem books. You need to figure out why you allowed yourself to stay with such a person. You are worthy of healthy love 🩷

Thank you. Yeah. Ive been working with a therapist and we are working on why I let someone treat me like this, why I was with someone who obviously was not meeting my needs. I know I gave the relationship all I could. I really should work on my self-love and self-respect. So this time, everyday when I feel like crying and missing this person, I want to remind myself to choose ME. 

[DarkCh0c0]

39 minutes ago, Rocky.Green99 said:

Thank you. Yeah. Ive been working with a therapist and we are working on why I let someone treat me like this, why I was with someone who obviously was not meeting my needs. I know I gave the relationship all I could. I really should work on my self-love and self-respect. So this time, everyday when I feel like crying and missing this person, I want to remind myself to choose ME. 

Great job honey. I hope you blocked him everywhere.

Keep moving forward 💪🩷

[Rocky.Green99]

On 7/21/2024 at 2:10 PM, DarkCh0c0 said:

Great job honey. I hope you blocked him everywhere.

Keep moving forward 💪🩷

Thank you so much. 

Im sure he's living the life, especially if he has someone else now. 😞

[yogacat]

On 7/21/2024 at 12:51 PM, Rocky.Green99 said:

I just cant wrap my head around how someone can be cruel like this, knowing Ive lost my dad and still treat me like this. 
 

It's 100% cruelty. 100% malicious. 

It's as if he's getting "high" (getting off) on using you, your sadness, whatever. It's highly dangerous to stick with someone like that.

Find it in yourself to actively heal so that you don't go back to him. One bad apple here doesn't mean there's a room of bad apples over there. Watch yourself, be careful, love yourself especially as you go through healing...you'll be fine and you will find a decent person later should you go back into the dating pool--I promise.

The best is yet to come!

[Coily]

Good you are leaving this trash in the bin as it so richly deserves; what that thing did was beneath low.

I would suggest you get some therapy and invest in yourself for a while. Don't let this creature jade you towards other men who aren't filth.

Hold your head high, as you got yourself out of this awful situation!