Idk if I can ever trust him the same again

[lollylol]

I met my boyfriend in 2022. We hit it off and became official a 2 months later at which point I moved to be closer to him – it wasn’t a very far move, around 1.5hrs away from my family home. We met on a dating app and honestly everything was going really well until now.

He recently graduated (with a bachelor's) this week and he sent me all the pictures and a really short video of him walking across the stage. I couldn't be there because there wasn't enough tickets for me and his family - but it was live streamed on his university's YouTube page. HE WASN'T IN THE CEREMONY. Not only that but the video he sent me had completely different staff on stage. So I looked through the ceremonies from last year just to rule it out ... but it turns out he ACTUALLY graduated last year. The past year he has been working on his masters degree which I assume he actually graduated from this year. I've even found his LinkedIn page where he posted about starting his masters like 9 months ago. 

I asked him to come over to my place so we can talk and I confronted him with what I found out. I asked him if this means he was actually a year older than what I thought and he said no. His explanation for this was that he went into uni a year ahead (so at 17 instead of 18) as part of some special program. When I asked him why he lied to me about all this he said he was ‘supposed to be an athlete not some try-hard that gets on special programs’ and he didn’t want me to think of him like that. I told him that wouldn’t have made any difference and again asked why to which he essentially repeated himself. I was pretty emotional at this point and forgot any other points I was going to confront him about so we hugged and went out for dinner. Fast forward to the next day, I went on his LinkedIn page again to just double check one last time before I closed the tab and I noticed that he started high school in 2013. My heart dropped to my feet when I read that. We were both some of the oldest kids in our year and so if he was born in 2002 (making him 21 now) he couldn’t have started high school in 2013. This means he was actually born in 2001 (making him 22 now).

Looking back on this I know I sound stupid but he’s got 01 as part of his username which I just assumed meant like number 1 not 2001 – but now I realise that was such an obvious clue. Another obvious clue I didn’t realise until now was in one of the ‘grad pics’ he sent me, his childhood best mate was in it. If my boyfriend did uni a year ahead he wouldn’t be graduating with this friend who would’ve been a year behind him. The final nail in the coffin was when I searched his birth record. This might sound weird but it’s a hobby I got into in lockdown, doing family trees etc, so I know all the best and reliable sites to find these documents. On EVERY SINGLE SITE it said his full name and details but with 2001 as the birth year – hell it was even listed on the GOVERNMENT listings like that.

I asked him when I confronted him before I found this out: ‘are you a year older than you’ve told me?’ and he said no. I couldn’t be more devastated – not that he’s a year older I couldn’t care less about that, I’m just heartbroken that he’s lied to me about it for nearly 2 whole years and to be very honest I kind of feel taken advantage of. I’ve been sharing my life and my body with someone that lied to me about their age, maybe that’s a leap for some but that’s just how I feel.

We had plans to move in together this year but now I don’t know what to do about that since for the past nearly 2 years he’s lied to me. I don’t want to leave him because I genuinely love him so much and we were planning a future together, but I don’t know if I could ever fully trust anything he says now.

I will also add this is technically my first serious adult relationship so I might be fairly naïve as to when to throw in the towel, but I don’t want to dump him over our first rough patch.

Anyone got any advice?

[rainbowsandroses]

Hello @lollylol, I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed!

But just so I'm clear, all your sleuthing and detective work - from searching YouTube for last year's ceremony to checking his LinkedIn pages to conducting a close analysis of the grad pics he sent you last year to searching his birth records and government listings - is all because of a discrepancy in age of one year?  He's actually 22 instead of 21?

Again just wanted to be clear on that before I respond further, thanks.

[lollylol]

Well it didn't originally stem from the age discrepancy - it all really started with the graduation pictures.

It all started because he wasn't in the 2024 graduation ceremonies, which led me to seeing him graduate in 2023 which spiraled into he lied about being a year older.

But like I say I really don't care he's a year older its the lying I hate, since I've known him he's been aggressively anti-liars using any chance he can to express it. Then him lying to my face when I asked him about it 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, lollylol said:

But like I say I really don't care he's a year older its the lying I hate, since I've known him he's been aggressively anti-liars using any chance he can to express it. Then him lying to my face when I asked him about it 

I understand, lying for me is a pretty much a dealbreaker.   Has he lied to you about anything else during the two years you've been together?

I dislike lying but I did make an exception with one boyfriend who originally told me he was a few years older than he actually was.  We were both in our early 20s so it didn't make much difference to me but for some reason it was important to him that he be my age or older.  I tried to understand it, set a strong boundary and then I let it go.

I didn't discover this on my own though, he told me so perhaps that made a difference too.

What I did was set a strong boundary, no more lying or we're done!  And I meant it.  We were together for several years after that and he never lied to me again.

So, that is what I suggest to you.  Forgive him for this one lie, try to understand his mindset for lying and set the boundary.

If he lies again, you are done.

This topic is pretty popular here and it's been discussed numerous times.  It may be worth your while to search for those threads, it usually involves a large age discrepancy of say 10+ years so that is pretty significant.

For you it's one year but I understand it's not about that, it's about the fact he lied.  And to your face, so yeah that does make a difference.

It's up to you though, I would be interested in what other responders have to say.

In any event, if you do decide to let this go, you should be clear in your mind that you WILL let it go which means no more sleuthing around for evidence that he's lying.

Personally I think that's invasive and wrong and violates his privacy but again I do understand why you did it.

But in short, you must trust him otherwise your RL doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of working out.  If you don't think you can, and only you can answer that, then end the relationship as sad as that will be.

Good luck whatever your decide lolly and I hope you feel better soon. 

 

[lollylol]

That's the only saving grace for me I think, he's never given me any reason to distrust him before - I think that's another reason why it's hit me like a train. 

When I spoke to him yesterday I did tell him no more lying and if I find out there'll be trouble but not in a crazy serious way, so I think that's 100% what I'm going to do about it - like you say a hard boundary if it's crossed goodbye.

I genuinely did let it go after we spoke yesterday though, we went out to dinner, watched our fav shows just back to normal but when he fell asleep my mind just started racing again with more questions I hadn't asked, the one's I could remember I asked him this morning. 

I honestly have no idea why I went fishing again - I wish I didn't, I'd rather just be ignorant in bliss at this point but now I know I can't just let it lie.

 

I texted him about it a few hours ago but he hasn't responded yet and I don't think he will until sometime tomorrow now. I was thinking earlier to just show up at his place and ask to chat but I don't know how to go about it, I don't wanna be aggressive but I don't want him to think I'm some push over he can just tell more lies to and will believe everything that comes out his mouth... But with that thought what if I'm somehow wrong? Now I'm making myself out to look like a maniac 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, lollylol said:

I don't wanna be aggressive but I don't want him to think I'm some push over he can just tell more lies to and will believe everything that comes out his mouth... But with that thought what if I'm somehow wrong? Now I'm making myself out to look like a maniac 

Well, you know him best but that's not the sense I'm getting. 

2 hours ago, lollylol said:

I asked him if this means he was actually a year older than what I thought and he said no. His explanation for this was that he went into uni a year ahead (so at 17 instead of 18) as part of some special program. When I asked him why he lied to me about all this he said he was ‘supposed to be an athlete not some try-hard that gets on special programs’ and he didn’t want me to think of him like that.

^Are you able to put yourself in his shoes and understand WHY he lied?   I can understand it but I'm simply an objective observer, you're the one actually in the relationship with him.

But if you can understand why he lied this one time, it might help you rid thoughts of believing he's some pathological liar who will continue lying to you and look upon you as a pushover for believing him.

If that is truly how you feel, then probably best to end it.

I've got to run but hope this helped.  The forum is a bit slow right now, I think more responses will come tomorrow and you can assess the situation after that.

I don't know where you live but wherever you are, hope you have a good evening or day!

I will check back tomorrow. Feel better.😀

 

 

[ShySoul]

I'm with rainbows on this one. As far as lies go, this seems like a rather silly and superficial one. For some reason it seems important for him to be a year younger. As much as it might hurt, it doesn't seem like an unforgivable error, this time. Try to understand why he did it if you can and let him have one free pass. Then set boundaries and be absolutely clear that you won't tolerate lies, no matter the subject. Stress the importance of being honest with each other and being able to trust one another. 

I can also understand why you looked into it. It was a mystery that didn't make sense. Why wouldn't a person be at their own graduation? Each new thing you found just made the mystery deepen until you had to find the solution. And since it was about the person you're sharing so much of yourself with, you needed to know if this person was trustworthy and deservering of your time. 

It's not agressive to tell him you need to talk about this and want to understand what the issue was. He went through a lot of trouble to hide this. Odds are you aren't the only he's mislead. This is something going on with him. If anything, I think trying to get to the root of it would be beneficial for both of you. Relationships need trust, and he needs to learn that. His response will also tell you a lot about his state of mind and if he is someone you can be with. If he does someone think you are a maniac, then you will know not to be with him as you shouldn't be with someone who judges you for having a valid concern. But the odds are more likely he will come clean and talk with you.

As a side note, I am impressed with your detective work. This should really give him, or any guy, pause before they think about lying to you. Most people are bad liars in the first place. I pity those that try lying to you.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, lollylol said:

When I asked him why he lied to me about all this he said he was ‘supposed to be an athlete not some try-hard that gets on special programs’ and he didn’t want me to think of him like that.

Why does he think he needs to be an athlete? Why wouldn't he want you thinking he was smart enough to skip ahead and go to college a year early? Most people I know would be more impressed by that.

What is his background like? I'm curious if there might be some kind of insecurity going on, as if he is embarrassed that he was able to skip ahead. Perhaps something or someone give him the impression it was better to be the jock then the brain. Just seems really odd to me.

Regardless, do what you think is best for you. If you can try to see it from his perspective, that's good. I think it's best to try to work through things. But if it is that strong of a line for you that you can't accept being crossed, it's okay as well. You need to feel secure in whatever relationship you are in, knowing you can trust the other. So do what you feel is right for you.

[waffle]

If I'm reading this right, he's still perpetuating the lie?  You know his birth year and yet he maintains he's the age he's been copping to the past couple years.  Does he know that you KNOW?

This guy is going to great lengths to keep this going.  Faking a graduation?

There is something mentally wrong with a person like that.

[MissCanuck]

Nope. 

He's been keeping up this deception and continuing to lie, which is the real problem I would have with this. That would tell me a lot about his character and how much respect he had for me when I requested the truth. 

Lying to this extent (to the point of sending fake grad videos) would creep me out and I would not be interested in trying to trust this person. There is something really off here. 

[poorlittlefish]

Utterly bizarre.  I think there must be a deep-seated insecurity going on for him to lie about a petty 1-year age difference.  However, the fact that he lied to your face when you asked him about it and has continued to lie, despite irrefutable evidence, is deeply troubling.  If he can lie so easily about a seemingly minor issue and gaslight you like this, I would be worried about what else he could be lying about.

[Batya33]

I'd be done done done.  Ick and creepy!! I agree with Poorlittlefish, Miss Canuck etc. 

My friend is married now for almost 30 years. Two months into their relationship (they met at n event) he came clean and told her he hadn't graduated college early as he told her but I do believe he had his BA.  He'd lied because my friend was a bit older (like 2 years) and he felt insecure about her level of education, professional career etc. She did forgive him.  I wasn't sure at the time I would have but left it to her. That to my knowledge was the only lie he ever told and I believe he told her -she didn't find out -they were in their 20s (and no he hadn't lied about his age as well).

My mother lied to my father when they met -same reason -they met at a party and she was 16 and he was 19.  She lied and said her dad was an executive at a company -my grandfather did manual labor.  She was intimidated by my father's plan to be a doctor and his parents' jobs.  I mean I assume she came clean and they were married for 62 years.  

I never dated -knowingly -any man who lied about his age on a dating profile.  One of those men is married to a woman I know and the other ended up seriously involved with another friend for about 8 years on and off -finally she was tired of his behaviors and the porn addiction was a last straw -yes I think he lied more. Both those men lied to my friends just as they'd lied to me.

So different strokes.  In your case the cumulation of all his lies and deception and your having to sleuth all over - ugh.  I'd end things ASAP as he appears unstable and not trustworthy.

[lollylol]

I can somewhat understand why he needs to feel like an athlete, he's shared that he's been insecure about his body and performance briefly before but I've always tried to reassure him that I'm with him for what he's like and what he looks like is just a bonus.

- ShySoul, when I say aggressive I mean like I didn't want to be that psycho girlfriend banging on the front door - especially because he lives with a few of his friends.
As far as his background that's kind of confusing too. His parents are west african and so are the typical strict parents and wanted all their kids to get straight As in everything they do. Which he does get but I think maybe he's been bullied for it in the past and really wants his image to be more of an athlete type than a smart guy.

-waffle, originally when I asked him all these questions I hadn't found out about the whole 2001 thing so I just assumed he was lying about his age because he was a year ahead in uni than he'd told me. But when I asked him straight 'are you another year older?' he said no then told me the whole started uni at 17 thing. Also the pictures of his graduation aren't fake, they're just old - he tried to pass them off for 2024 when they were from 2023.

-Batya33, because it's such a small lie that's just spiraled out of control I really just want him to come clean so we can move on. It's our first rocky patch in 2 years so I knew something was going to happen eventually but I didn't picture this.

 

I also changed my mind about showing up at his place to confront him, instead I made a video last night and sent it to him (about 8hrs ago) explaining all this and how it's scared me to think he's lied to my face for 2 years straight. But as of right now it's early afternoon and he still hasn't opened my message so I don't know whether to just go to his at this point and get this over with. We're both going back to our families for summer break in the next 2 days so it's kind of now or never I guess (our families live on opposite ends of the country so it'd be a 9hr round-trip to go visit him)

We're both pretty awkward people in our own right and so I just don't think I'd be able to get my words across the same way in person that I could in a video for that reason (also I'm pretty sure I'd be a teary mess) but if he's not responded to me within the next hour I think I'll have to just gather the strength and go see him 

[rainbowsandroses]

I think once someone tells a lie and keeps that lying going for in his case a couple of years, once confronted with the truth, there's a certain embarrassment and shame attached which makes it difficult for some people to "come clean."  

Not justifying it, only trying to understand it -  why he continued to withhold the truth from you..

Re the lie itself, lord it's one year big whoop.  Keep in mind, his reasoning for it was a byproduct of him not wanting to appear to you like some book nerd who received special privilege for being smart and graduating a year early. 

That's insecurity and heck he's 21-22, everyone (or many people) are insecure at that age.  I sure was!!

I still say if everything has been going well for two YEARS, it may be worth trying to understand, empathize and attempting to resolve this versus a straight dump.

You are both still so young, early 20s, it's not uncommon for people at such a young age to not only be insecure but also make poor decisions and stupid mistakes. 

Our brains aren't even fully developed until 25!

Jmo but understanding, flexibility, open-mindedness (versus having a closed and rigid attitude) and forgiveness when warranted (different from forgetting) go a really long way in the success of a relationship.

Why not set the boundary as I mentioned earlier?  Hopefully it will be a one off, a stupid mistake, poor decision making and won't happen again after setting the boundary.

Is that not what setting boundaries are for?

You or any couple may need to set several more boundaries for the duration of your relationship.  And successfully resolve conflicts together.

Not just flat out dump the person after several YEARS, getting on well, sharing the same values and loving each other. 

Then again, if you're looking for a reason to dump, you got it.  Perhaps the relationship has simply run its course. 

Up to @lollylol good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Lying ranks right up there with deception,  betrayal,  stealing,  cheating,  gaslighting,  sneakiness,  being shady,  underhanded and all of those types of unforgivable offenses.  One and done,  two if you're lucky.  Once trust is no more,  the relationship is dead in the water.  ☹️

[Andrina]

I'm curious. Since his family was just recently visiting for the ceremony, did you get to meet them all, or did he make excuses that you shouldn't meet them? If you didn't meet them, he might be hiding even more that you haven't figured out.

You mentioned texting and video messages for discussing important matters. Never do that. Save ultra important discussions for in person. If you decide to continue on, once everyone's said everything needed saying, and you've come to a consensus you're both comfortable with moving on, since this is your first relationship, you might need to know that the matter should be put to rest and not be brought up again. I learned that with my first marriage when we went to counseling--not to keep rehashing past arguments. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, lollylol said:

Batya33, because it's such a small lie that's just spiraled out of control I really just want him to come clean so we can move on. It's our first rocky patch in 2 years so I knew something was going to happen eventually but I didn't picture this.

That means it is not a small lie.  Small lie "I finished your favorite ice cream it wasn't your roommate- I'm really sorry -I was embarrassed I did that."

I can relate to him -when I was dating in my 30s I looked much younger.  Some men didn't want to date me because they didn't want to have to start a family right away after marriage.  I easily could have lied about my age.  I was insecure about the limits of my body in that way.  I never lied.  And as a result my dating pool in my 30s was smaller.  That's what it means to be a person who does the right thing even when it's hard.  He chooses to lie which is selfish and hurtful and disrespectful to you -his girlfriend.

[yogacat]

This is someone that is SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR PARTNER, meaning the person that you choose to be in a relationship with and that is a very serious commitment that does require trust. 

Yes, he didn't lie about having an affair with a woman or 100k loans, but if he lied about something that is relatively small in the grand scheme of things, the question becomes: how can I tell that he won't lie about bigger / more important things down the road? It's all about a pattern that I see appearing and how he would deal with those situations.

This is very serious stuff, this isn't like you purchasing a $100 toaster and he lied about the price but he's been lying about who he is for almost 2 years. This is your BOYFRIEND and he has lied to you about his education, his age and his future. These are all very important things that impact your relationship and your future together.

Sure, he could have felt self-conscious about not being an athlete or starting uni early, but if he felt he needed to hide these things from you that tells me he was not very confident from the beginning.  

That's definitely not a deal-breaker but who people are today is usually who they were when you met them - people don't change overnight unless a major event happens. So, if he truly felt like he didn't want to tell you about before because he was concerned that you were looking for an "athlete" for a boyfriend and he might not stand up in front of your (his words) "judgeful" eyes... then he is feeling a bit too self-conscious and limited by what he feels he needs to be rather than just being himself.

That's what's so upsetting about this, it's not just the lies, it's the lack of mutual trust and respect in the relationship.

[lollylol]

So firstly I wanna say thanks to everyone that posted here for being honest but not nasty about it - I really appreciate it.

I took some of your advice and I've just got back from seeing him in person to discuss this. I was upset the whole way there but once I knocked on the door and he came out I was channeling what you guys said to me about setting the boundary extremely clearly. I showed him the proof I found of his lies and said essentially 'you better spill' and he said that yes he lied about it. When I asked why he said it was apparently correct on the site I met him on but, but I misread it early on and he didn't correct me on it. From there it went on to the bigger issues to cover up the mistake. I told him very clearly if I ever found out he was lying to me again then I would walk away and he said he understood and that he was sorry. I hugged him and said I forgive you, said bye and left. On the trip back home he must've watched the video message I sent and he apologised again. I'm not going to be doing any digging about him anymore or bring this up again. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to forget what he's done but I'm going to try to not attach any extreme emotions to it and let it be. It's unfortunate it came to this but it's done now.

 

I'm not going to be reading any of the replies to this thread or posting here anymore because I'm going to try to move on and get back to our normal lives. But again thank you everyone for you advice/stories/warnings I've taken them all on board fully! 

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, lollylol said:

So firstly I wanna say thanks to everyone that posted here for being honest but not nasty about it - I really appreciate it.

I took some of your advice and I've just got back from seeing him in person to discuss this. I was upset the whole way there but once I knocked on the door and he came out I was channeling what you guys said to me about setting the boundary extremely clearly. I showed him the proof I found of his lies and said essentially 'you better spill' and he said that yes he lied about it. When I asked why he said it was apparently correct on the site I met him on but, but I misread it early on and he didn't correct me on it. From there it went on to the bigger issues to cover up the mistake. I told him very clearly if I ever found out he was lying to me again then I would walk away and he said he understood and that he was sorry. I hugged him and said I forgive you, said bye and left. On the trip back home he must've watched the video message I sent and he apologised again. I'm not going to be doing any digging about him anymore or bring this up again. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to forget what he's done but I'm going to try to not attach any extreme emotions to it and let it be. It's unfortunate it came to this but it's done now.

 

I'm not going to be reading any of the replies to this thread or posting here anymore because I'm going to try to move on and get back to our normal lives. But again thank you everyone for you advice/stories/warnings I've taken them all on board fully! 

Good luck.  If you want more input -I sure have some -I'll see if you change your mind. Otherwise -good luck and you do you.

[ShySoul]

40 minutes ago, lollylol said:

Don't get me wrong I'm not going to forget what he's done but I'm going to try to not attach any extreme emotions to it and let it be. It's unfortunate it came to this but it's done now.

I like to say to forgive but don't forget. Good for you for standing your ground and then letting this go. Hopefully this was a one-off and you can have a caring, honest relationship going forward.

Best of luck.

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think once someone tells a lie and keeps that lying going for in his case a couple of years, once confronted with the truth, there's a certain embarrassment and shame attached which makes it difficult for some people to "come clean."  

One reason to just be honest in the first place. Once you tell one lie you have to keep lying in order to cover up the first lie. The embarassment just grows and instead of coming clean on something small you have to explain why it gets to the point of showing a graduation you werent even at. 

The truth is so much simplier.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

One reason to just be honest in the first place. Once you tell one lie you have to keep lying in order to cover up the first lie. The embarassment just grows and instead of coming clean on something small you have to explain why it gets to the point of showing a graduation you werent even at. 

The truth is so much simplier.

Of course, that pretty much goes without saying. 

That's not what happened here though, he did lie and clearly did feel quite a bit of shame and embarrassment about it which perpetuated the lie making it worse, now two years later. 

Again they're both so young, he was 20 when this first happened, he was insecure and made a big mistake.  Hopefully now he knows better as Lolly set firm boundaries.

Lolly, if you're still reading, you did great!   You tried to understand, set firm boundaries and successfully resolved this conflict together. 

I know couples 10-20+ years older than you that wouldn't have achieved such a great result!  

I wish you both the best of luck!  And hope you have many beautiful years together, learning, growing, evolving both individually and as a couple. 💛

 

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's not what happened here though, he did lie and clearly did feel quite a bit of shame and embarrassment about it which perpetuated the lie making it worse, now two years later. 

Again they're both so young, he was 20 when this first happened, he was insecure and made a big mistake. 

Hopefully now he knows better as Lolly set firm boundaries.

That's what I was trying to say, that it would have been better to just be honest in the first place but that since he wasn't he had to keep the lie going to absurd levels. Maybe it's too warm and I'm not explaining myself well.

Totally agree with you here rainbows.

Anyway, Lolly, hope things go well for here from here on out.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, ShySoul said:

That's what I was trying to say, that it would have been better to just be honest in the first place but that since he wasn't he had to keep the lie going to absurd levels. Maybe it's too warm and I'm not explaining well.

Totally agree with you here rainbows.

Anyway, Lolly, hope things go well for here from here on out.

Okay, thnx for clarifying! 😆

[DarkCh0c0]

14 hours ago, waffle said:

If I'm reading this right, he's still perpetuating the lie?  You know his birth year and yet he maintains he's the age he's been copping to the past couple years.  Does he know that you KNOW?

This guy is going to great lengths to keep this going.  Faking a graduation?

There is something mentally wrong with a person like that.

Yeah... What on earth is this shady behaviour?

Lying about his age is one thing. Faking a graduation and keeping fake study-related info is another!! 

Very shady. Your feelings are valid, yet he refuses to acknowledge what he's done wrong. You are furious and you can't trust him ofc. Just walk away. Massive deal-breaker! I don't care if it's a lack of maturity, habitual lying (that requires a therapist, not a gf), or some major insecurities. It's shady and dishonest. These are not partner material criterion. It puts you in a place whereby you can't trust him anymore. Broken glass can't be fixed.