Dating a guy with a kid

[Seraphim]

Just now, Dandelionspring said:

I’m willing to commit. 

But he isn’t and that tells you all you need to know . 

[Dandelionspring]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

I remember my dad bringing girlfriends around when I was that age. It wasn’t a happy experience. 

And I totally get that. I’m not some witch over here. 

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Dandelionspring said:

I’m willing to commit. 

The problem is,  he's unwilling to commit. 

[Dandelionspring]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

When my parents split up and if my Dad brought a woman to meet me at that age,  it wouldn't bode well with me either.  No way.  ☹️

He has been divorced for like 10 years

[Seraphim]

Just now, Dandelionspring said:

And I totally get that. I’m not some witch over here. 

That may be but being 12 doesn’t mean his daughter is ready. 

[Cherylyn]

12 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

He has been divorced for like 10 years

It doesn't matter.  His actions or lack thereof are proof that he's not that into you. 

[Dandelionspring]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

It doesn't matter.  His actions or lack thereof is proof that he's not that into you. 

Could be. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, Dandelionspring said:

He has been divorced for like 10 years

My parents were divorced too for 6 years by then and my mom was remarried for 6 years but my dad trailed the girlfriends in and out and brought the girlfriends WITH their kids to his parental visits of which he had 2 a month. Like he couldn’t do that the 28 days of the month. 

[Dandelionspring]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My parents were divorced too for 6 years by then and my mom was remarried for 6 years but my dad trailed the girlfriends in and out and brought the girlfriends WITH their kids to his parental visits of which he had 2 a month. Like he couldn’t do that the 28 days of the month. 

That’s messed up. 

[Coily]

Not to be too blunt, but it comes across as that you resent him prioritizing his daughter over time with you. You want commitment, he does not; you want to be integrated into his life, he isn't interested in that; this is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

You are better off searching for a new relationship, rather than to keep up with trying to change something that never will be different. No one is the villain here, but there are very incompatible lifestyles. Do yourself a favor and find a man who will match your commitment.

Also kudos for this guy being protective of his daughter's interests.

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

That’s messed up. 

That’s what I am saying . He is being a good dad and safe guarding his child . That is his job . It isn’t a statement about you. 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

His daughter is 12.  She’s not a baby. Also I’m more than willing to accommodate him by going to his place (which he won’t let me) or bringing her with us. (Which he won’t let me meet her). We’ve been talking and seeing each other for a few years. 

Most 12 year olds are just now becoming teenagers and going through puberty. It’s a sensitive and vulnerable time. She is HIS baby. Also most 12 year olds can’t be left alone for long periods of time. And perhaps he and her mom have specific rules about that. It’s nice of you to be accommodating. My sense is he gets the strong impression from you that you’re not interested in being a caring adult to her and getting to know her as an individual.  That is why he blurted out what he did most likely. JMO. Find a man without a “kid”. 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

And I totally get that. I’m not some witch over here. 

You’re not a witch at all. I have friends who aren’t interested in hanging around kids or tweens. I’m not so interested either- I love my son to the moon and back and fully know that what I find hilarious and caring and endearing may not come across that way to other adults. That’s fine. You’re simply a person who doesn’t want to share time to this extent with your date’s child. Therefore you two are not a good match. 

[Dandelionspring]

Irritated by the accusations of wanting him to prioritize me when I have been more than understanding with him. I don’t ask for much. He doesn’t even give me the bare minimum.  It’s annoying. 

[Dandelionspring]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

You’re not a witch at all. I have friends who aren’t interested in hanging around kids or tweens. I’m not so interested either- I love my son to the moon and back and fully know that what I find hilarious and caring and endearing may not come across that way to other adults. That’s fine. You’re simply a person who doesn’t want to share time to this extent with your date’s child. Therefore you two are not a good match. 

Not true. I would be happy to go to his house or go out with his kid.  

[Batya33]

Just now, Dandelionspring said:

Irritated by the accusations of wanting him to prioritize me when I have been more than understanding with him. I don’t ask for much. He doesn’t even give me the bare minimum.  It’s annoying. 

Because he doesn’t see you as marriage material. Therefore obviously he’s going to prioritize his family as you’ll never be part of his family. 

[Dandelionspring]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because he doesn’t see you as marriage material. Therefore obviously he’s going to prioritize his family as you’ll never be part of his family. 

Could be.

[Batya33]

Just now, Dandelionspring said:

Not true. I would be happy to go to his house or go out with his kid.  

Sure so you can spend time with him. But he doesn’t see you as marriage material for him and probably knows you’re settling for him so why risk his child getting attached ? How often and in what detail do you ask him about what is going on with his daughter at school in her activities or with her friends ?
would you know for example that she pointed out a beautiful Red Robin to her dad as they walked in the park ? Would you know if she’s going to start playing a new instrument or doing a new sport or trying out for a play ? How does she feel about animals ? What languages does she speak ? What’s her favorite ice cream place or flavor? Does she like fancy coffee drinks or hot chocolate? Does she like to cook or bake or swim or play soccer? 

[Dandelionspring]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sure so you can spend time with him. But he doesn’t see you as marriage material for him and probably knows you’re settling for him so why risk his child getting attached ? How often and in what detail do you ask him about what is going on with his daughter at school in her activities or with her friends ?
would you know for example that she pointed out a beautiful Red Robin to her dad as they walked in the park ? Would you know if she’s going to start playing a new instrument or doing a new sport or trying out for a play ? How does she feel about animals ? What languages does she speak ? What’s her favorite ice cream place or flavor? Does she like fancy coffee drinks or hot chocolate? Does she like to cook or bake or swim or play soccer? 

Fair enough. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Dandelionspring said:

So I am dating a guy with a kid and it feels like I’m having an affair with a married man. It sucks. He’s always unavailable due to work and his kid. He puts her first for everything. 

And anyone would say-well he should. He’s a good dad. And I agree. But it makes it hard for me to know whether he is just a good dad or a jerk I should dump. 

I do like him and he claims to REALLY love me. A lot. And that does make me wanna stay with him. But the fact is I barely see the guy ever and he just texts me. He’s always busy. He doesn’t even wanna live together because he doesn’t think it would be good for his kid.  That’s great for his kid but sucks for me. 
 

So I guess I either have to live this weird separate life from this guy or move on. Of course I should move on because I deserve more. But I guess since there’s no one else around I still put up with him. 

I have a lot of issues and so I really need to work on myself before I find a decent guy. So I guess that’s why I give him the time of day. 
 

Of course I would ideally like to have a normal relationship with a guy that sees me and where we can live together and even get married someday. This guy never even has any time for me. 

I think you should move on. I applaud him for prioritizing his kid but if you feel like you're having an affair with a married man and your needs are not being met, this is not the right relationship for you.

How long have you been dating? At some point, he would be integrating his 2 lives and if he's not even doing that, not seeing you but just texting you, I don't know ... I just don't feel like that's going to change.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think you should move on. I applaud him for prioritizing his kid but if you feel like you're having an affair with a married man and your needs are not being met, this is not the right relationship for you.

How long have you been dating? At some point, he would be integrating his 2 lives and if he's not even doing that, not seeing you but just texting you, I don't know ... I just don't feel like that's going to change.

Most parents who have the child’s best interests at heart don’t integrate unless they’re quite sure it’s a forever type thing. And for sure I’ve never heard of a parent integrating who says even in anger they never want their partner around their daughter 

[yogacat]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

11 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think you should move on. I applaud him for prioritizing his kid but if you feel like you're having an affair with a married man and your needs are not being met, this is not the right relationship for you.

How long have you been dating? At some point, he would be integrating his 2 lives and if he's not even doing that, not seeing you but just texting you, I don't know ... I just don't feel like that's going to change.

Most parents who have the child’s best interests at heart don’t integrate unless they’re quite sure it’s a forever type thing. And for sure I’ve never heard of a parent integrating who says even in anger they never want their partner around their daughter 

When I say integrate, I mean balancing his time and prioritizing his partner and child. Of course a parent's first priority is their child, but that doesn't mean they have to completely neglect their partner. If the person you're with is always unavailable and putting you on the back burner, that's all you need to know. 

[catfeeder]

55 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said:

Irritated by the accusations of wanting him to prioritize me when I have been more than understanding with him. I don’t ask for much. He doesn’t even give me the bare minimum.  It’s annoying. 

Sorry to hear this. He's never going to change. You've been at this for years, and there's nothing 'wrong' with wanting more for yourself, but you are never going to get it from this man. 

[smackie9]

I just read the first two lines....you need to end it. This is all the guy can do for you or anyone else he would be dating. He has a busy life and the both of you have different expectations. There is no point in analyzing it, or complaining about it. This is why date...to find out if they are suitable partner for us. If it's not working out, then it's not working out...that's all folks!

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, yogacat said:

When I say integrate, I mean balancing his time and prioritizing his partner and child. Of course a parent's first priority is their child, but that doesn't mean they have to completely neglect their partner. If the person you're with is always unavailable and putting you on the back burner, that's all you need to know. 

I never said a person should. Complete neglect means that person shouldn’t be dating. He’s not always unavailable just less so than a person who is not a parent or caregiver. But she also thinks he lies about it and is not really with his daughter. I mean what’s the point if she doesn’t trust him.
 

Also they’re not really partners. She wants marriage or commitment. He doesn’t want that with her. Significant imbalance. 
The issue is she’s neglecting herself and settling. Fortunately he senses that plus he’s just not that into her not enough to integrate. Make the sacrifices. 

 

I dated someone for 3 months. On the first date he told me his ex girlfriend was 8 months pregnant. That he understood if I didn’t want to date him. I chose to try. A month later he cancelled a date when her water broke. Totally fine lol.

 

Then he told me to help her he’d stay over some nights to help with the baby. I absolutely 100% trusted him but started to realize this wasn’t for me. A few weeks later we went to a movie. Her friends happened to be sitting behind me a few rows and kept staring daggers at me. I stared back when I could. How dare they. But I realized this really didn’t have a future. I couldn’t see myself as a stepmom. I ended it. 
His daughter is now almost 21. This past year he met the love of his life in another country he now works in. I hope they work out. From FB photos and posts he seems so very happy. Sometimes with these sorts of life situations I guess if can take that long. And also his daughter seems very self sufficient.