Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 So I am dating a guy with a kid and it feels like I’m having an affair with a married man. It sucks. He’s always unavailable due to work and his kid. He puts her first for everything. And anyone would say-well he should. He’s a good dad. And I agree. But it makes it hard for me to know whether he is just a good dad or a jerk I should dump. I do like him and he claims to REALLY love me. A lot. And that does make me wanna stay with him. But the fact is I barely see the guy ever and he just texts me. He’s always busy. He doesn’t even wanna live together because he doesn’t think it would be good for his kid. That’s great for his kid but sucks for me. So I guess I either have to live this weird separate life from this guy or move on. Of course I should move on because I deserve more. But I guess since there’s no one else around I still put up with him. I have a lot of issues and so I really need to work on myself before I find a decent guy. So I guess that’s why I give him the time of day. Of course I would ideally like to have a normal relationship with a guy that sees me and where we can live together and even get married someday. This guy never even has any time for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 People make time for things & people who are important to them. Still a child will always come first. You need to understand that when dating a single parent. How long have you been dating this man? Have you met the daughter? If you haven't even met her & you are unilaterally talking about living together YOU are moving way too fast. I applaud him for wanting to set a good example for his kid. If you are saying he breaks dates with you to do things last minute with the kid, then I would advocate ending things because you are not a priority but if it's just that he doesn't have a lot of free time, then you have a tougher decision to make. If it really annoys you that he has limited free time understand that he's not right for you. Otherwise perhaps acknowledge his good qualities & make some sacrifices to get yourself more organized time wise with him & move forward. You don't have to live with somebody before marriage to make a marriage work. Cohabitating after the engagement is a much stronger commitment. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 Your child always comes first. It sounds like you need someone without a child. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 He doesn’t really want marriage. So we either live together or just date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 25 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said: I have a lot of issues and so I really need to work on myself before I find a decent guy. So I guess that’s why I give him the time of day. And why do you consider that acceptable? You cant find better so you date a man who doesnt want to marry you nore live with you? You dont deserve better because you satisfy with scraps like this. Some man who just see you casually when he has a break and who doesnt even want to get serious with you. And until you get rid of that kind of thinking, you wont find better. Ever. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 I think you should be more clear on your worth and accept that dating a single parent is not the right situation for you and also unfair to the child. He sounds like he puts the best interests of his child first as he should and your reference to "man with a kid" and "good kid" makes it quite clear you don't want to have to put this child's best interests first as part of this package deal -his family. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 5 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I think you should be more clear on your worth and accept that dating a single parent is not the right situation for you and also unfair to the child. He sounds like he puts the best interests of his child first as he should and your reference to "man with a kid" and "good kid" makes it quite clear you don't want to have to put this child's best interests first as part of this package deal -his family. How am I doing that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 3 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said: How am I doing that? How are you doing what? You don't admire him as a parent -you are focused on his defiiciencies in putting his child first and spending less time with you. I agree with him what a terrible idea to expose his child to a woman he doesn't plan on marrying and who feels annoyed that the "kid" takes time away from time together. Also you admit you're settling for him so it's best the child is not exposed to you because apparently as soon as you improve your self esteem you'll want to find someone "better" -which sucks for the kid. Children don't "get" dating -they "get" attached. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 His kid will be his top priority at least until his kid is 18 years old and even after that, don't be surprised to be on standby whenever his grown adult kid comes first. It's the way it is as a parent. You will always have to share him and let's not forget, he has to confer with his ex regarding their kid. That puts you with even more lower status. He doesn't want to live with you. You don't have a viable future with him. It's better to be with a man without baggage because it's less complicated and you will zoom to the top of his list as opposed to the kid or kids always being above you. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 5 minutes ago, Batya33 said: How are you doing what? You don't admire him as a parent -you are focused on his defiiciencies in putting his child first and spending less time with you. I agree with him what a terrible idea to expose his child to a woman he doesn't plan on marrying and who feels annoyed that the "kid" takes time away from time together. Also you admit you're settling for him so it's best the child is not exposed to you because apparently as soon as you improve your self esteem you'll want to find someone "better" -which sucks for the kid. Children don't "get" dating -they "get" attached. He said he does wanna marry me but then says he doesn’t because he thinks his kid isn’t ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said: His kid will be his top priority at least until his kid is 18 years old and even after that, don't be surprised to be on standby whenever his grown adult kid comes first. It's the way it is as a parent. You will always have to share him and let's not forget, he has to confer with his ex regarding their kid. That puts you with even more lower status. He doesn't want to live with you. You don't have a viable future with him. It's better to be with a man without baggage because it's less complicated and you will zoom to the top of his list as opposed to the kid or kids always being above you. Agree. It’s the worst. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 Have you met his daughter yet? I dated a guy who had a 12 year old son. It was several months before I met the kid. That was scarier for me than meeting somebody's parents. In time I got to know the son. My BF died. I'm still in touch with the kid who is now a 30 something doctor. Dating somebody with kids is not awful but it is an adjustment. For example with the guy I dated above we had dates that the kid could come on: we went to PG movies, we went bowling, we played mini golf, we got season passes to an amusement park. We saved the candlelit dinners for when the son was with his mom. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 6 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said: He said he does wanna marry me but then says he doesn’t because he thinks his kid isn’t ready. Then he doesn't want to. His actions are inconsistent with wanting to marry you too. Of course his child isn't ready to be in a household with a wife who sees him mostly as an annoyance and a time suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 2 minutes ago, TeeDee said: Have you met his daughter yet? I dated a guy who had a 12 year old son. It was several months before I met the kid. That was scarier for me than meeting somebody's parents. In time I got to know the son. My BF died. I'm still in touch with the kid who is now a 30 something doctor. Dating somebody with kids is not awful but it is an adjustment. For example with the guy I dated above we had dates that the kid could come on: we went to PG movies, we went bowling, we played mini golf, we got season passes to an amusement park. We saved the candlelit dinners for when the son was with his mom. Haven’t even met her. Once we we were mad he said he didn’t want me around his daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 Just now, Dandelionspring said: Haven’t even met her. Once we we were mad he said he didn’t want me around his daughter. If that is so and you haven't met her then please know -in addition to you settling for him -he doesn't want to marry you. I'd move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 Just now, Batya33 said: Then he doesn't want to. His actions are inconsistent with wanting to marry you too. Of course his child isn't ready to be in a household with a wife who sees him mostly as an annoyance and a time suck. This is untrue. I am annoyed now that he never sees me and uses her as an excuse. I am not annoyed with her. Stop painting me in this light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post TeeDee Posted July 19 Popular Post Share Posted July 19 How long have you & this guy been together? Children don't always understand when their parents are dating. Most parents are cautious about new people in their children's lives. If the adult dating relationship doesn't work out, kids don't need the heartache of a breakup because the partner they got used to isn't there anymore. Going slow is advisable. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 Just now, Dandelionspring said: This is untrue. I am annoyed now that he never sees me and uses her as an excuse. I am not annoyed with her. Stop painting me in this light. I wouldn't assume that at all. Parenting a child is a ton of work and that is an understatement and our son has two loving married parents who are completely involved in parenting and it's still hard. Please stop painting this child in the light of "good kid" and as taking too much time away from your time with him. If you think he is lying and he is not really parenting his child at that time or tired from being full on with his child and needing some alone time -that's different. Don't date someone you don't trust. The light I will paint you in is a person who has little experience with children and is fine with that -you don't seem to be chomping at the bit to be a parent let alone a stepparent. I didn't date men who had kids with very rare exception and never long term because I knew I didn't want to be involved as a stepparent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 1 minute ago, TeeDee said: How long have you & this guy been together? Children don't always understand when their parents are dating. Most parents are cautious about new people in their children's lives. If the adult dating relationship doesn't work out, kids don't need the heartache of a breakup because the partner they got used to isn't there anymore. Going slow is advisable. Yes. Children do not "get" dating. They "get" attached. And their feelings and needs come first -always! I distanced myself from certain friends when my child was young - he is 15 and I am thrilled to be his mom and thrilled to co-parent with my husband- who wouldn't accommodate the fact that I was a parent and very often solo parenting as my husband traveled a lot. One came over and my 8 month old was fussing/crying in the playpen where he was temporarily. I asked her to please hold him on the couch for two minutes because I had to pee badly. She said she was too nervous to have that responsibility. I showed her how he'd sit right by her on the couch and just to keep him from leaving the couch. I took him out of the playpen and placed him on the couch. Within a few seconds he started to crawl/roll off and she did nothing. All she had to do was hold him in her lap or right by her for a few minutes. So I put him back in the playpen and had to let him cry while I used the restroom. She also wanted me to leave him alone in the apartment, take the elevator down to the lobby to say hi to her boyfriend who I hadn't seen in many years. I explained that I could not leave him alone even for a minute let alone two minutes or more. She didn't get it. Another friend basically dumped me because when he was 2 she insisted we meet her and her new boyfriend for dinner at a restauarnt at night so we could meet him. I made a number of alternative suggestions because I didn't feel comfortable getting a sitter where we were then living temporarily. I invited them over for dessert after the baby's bedtime. Said we could each meet separately at the restaurant right down the block and then be all together at my place for dessert. Or bring the baby. Nope nope nope. So yes I put him first. Of course I did. I put myself out many times for my friends with kids -traveling far to see them, spending time with the children, helping with the children. I felt fine asking for these things and felt fine distancing myself or risking the friendship in those situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 His daughter is 12. She’s not a baby. Also I’m more than willing to accommodate him by going to his place (which he won’t let me) or bringing her with us. (Which he won’t let me meet her). We’ve been talking and seeing each other for a few years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 It is best not to meet the child until there is a committed relationship. Children get attached and are easily hurt and already watched their parents break up , they don’t need another heartbreak. Children blame themselves when adults break up. Parents are there to protect their kids in every way including emotionally. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 3 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said: His daughter is 12. She’s not a baby. Also I’m more than willing to accommodate him by going to his place (which he won’t let me) or bringing her with us. (Which he won’t let me meet her). We’ve been talking and seeing each other for a few years. The problem is, he won't accommodate you. Even though his daughter is 12 years old, it doesn't matter and you don't matter to him either. I'm sorry. Either accept him and his conditions as they are or bail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 3 minutes ago, Dandelionspring said: His daughter is 12. She’s not a baby. Also I’m more than willing to accommodate him by going to his place (which he won’t let me) or bringing her with us. (Which he won’t let me meet her). We’ve been talking and seeing each other for a few years. I remember my dad bringing girlfriends around when I was that age. It wasn’t a happy experience. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelionspring Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 1 minute ago, Seraphim said: It is best not to meet the child until there is a committed relationship. Children get attached and are easily hurt and already watched their parents break up , they don’t need another heartbreak. Children blame themselves when adults break up. Parents are there to protect their kids in every way including emotionally. I’m willing to commit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 Just now, Seraphim said: I remember my dad bringing girlfriends around when I was that age. It wasn’t a happy experience. When my parents split up and if my Dad brought a woman to meet me at that age, it wouldn't bode well with me either. No way. ☹️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now