Starting to feel hopeless

[Girrrl123]

I’m 24 and moving to nyc for grad school (5 yrs). I want to have a family someday but feel as if I have no time to actually make this happen and my past experiences have led me to feel that single guys around my age and closer to 30 are incapable of committing because there is or always could be someone better. I hear this from friends (male - who think like this themselves), and I have my own personal experiences. I know my view is totally skewed and not all men are like this, but this is just how I’m feeling things are at the moment. 

The worst of these was a 5 year situationship while in college and beyond. I dated him for a year and, after a break-up, nothing changed except the label went away. He even lived with me for two years but could never commit. During this time, neither of us was even interested in dating/hooking up with anyone else. Dumb decisions were made on my part, but I’m done with it now.

During this situationship, I also heard one of my closest friends say that he loved this girl so much he was dating but didn’t want to commit and broke up with her out of nowhere. They both have the same reasoning though - even though everything’s going really well, I’m still young, and maybe, I can find someone better. I, now, always have in the back of my head that guys will always be looking for someone better (and there is always someone better) even while in a relationship.

Also, I am concerned about how unstable the next 5 years of my life will be and that guys will not be interested because I am still studying for the job I want to have. I am worried that, by the time I actually find someone, it will be too late to have a family. I have had small flings with guys recently, but obviously, they aren’t serious because I’m moving. I’m worried that it will be like this forever. Just one non-serious thing to the next.

Also, I find it hard to believe that one day some guy is magically enthralled by my presence, and I also happen to like him and find him to be a good person. I don’t know how someone can see past the fact that I have not reached my career end-goal and would also like to move out of the city eventually. I am also going to be so busy with coursework, work, and externships that I don’t even know how a relationship could be successful.

I think I just need encouragement and success stories. I just feel like chances of finding a man who is looking for something serious and will actually commit and be faithful is so slim, and my situation makes it worse.

[Batya33]

I think your expectations and views of what a healthy romantic relationship should look like are -odd, unfounded and inaccurate. I would read an oldie but goodie -A Fine Romance and also I recommend books by Alain De Botton the philosopher -his books on relationships are so insightful.  In addition I recommend Martha Beck's website and podcasts.  And perhaps some Ester Perel.

My success story - I was engaged to my husband twice -in 1997 when we were in our early 30s -we met at work - and after an almost 8 year break up -in 2008 when we were in our early 40s.  Neither of us had any issue committing to each other in our late 30s (when we got back together and decided to give things another chance).  We became parents shortly after marriage.  I do not recommend if at all possible waiting to try to conceive till almost 41 years of age which is what I did or being pregnant at 42 - if possible since you can -and I couldn't -if you are in your 30s and single still and want a family -freeze your eggs and start saving $ for that now.  That will take some of the pressure off.  Being pregnant as a geriatric high risk pregnancy was emotionally stressful.  Our son is 15 and doing great.

I dated in NYC from age 13-39 on and off as I had several LTRs.  It was brutal at times and really hard and I had no issue ever finding men who wanted marriage and family like I did in general.  I had and have platonic male friends and for the most part in the well over 100 men I dated I was treated with respect and like a lady -but I also wasn't cynical or jaded and men were treated with respect by me, too.

I was extremely busy especially starting on my 25th bday when I started  grad school in NYC.  I then had a 15 year career of basically being on call 24/7.  I only dated extremely busy men for the most part.  It was a crazy unpredictable schedule that many of my friends had too and we dated and had romantic relationships when that was a priority for us. It always was a top priority for me.  Sometimes that looked like a quick dinner in my office when I had  to work all night.  Sometimes when the internet came around it meant we simply worked in the same apartment all day and took breaks to kiss, hug, eat junk food and Haagen Dazs ice cream and catch an Albert Brooks movie from the video store. 

Sometimes it meant my future husband almost having to call my boss to make sure I wouldn't miss my surprise 30th bday party--- in a Sunday afternoon.  Point is even when it wasn't magical and even when we weren't enthralled by each other's presence (please -is that really your standard?) we loved each other and were committed to making it work.

I was enthralled by his presence and he the same -at times -and yes at times still.  Was he enthralled by what I looked like when I had an epidural and kept begging for ice chips in active labor? You know I hope so but not by my "looks" just that -we were having a baby! Was he enthralled when I woke up from a nap and was having a medical emergency -turned out to be a postpartum stroke from which I fully recovered - was it magical - no - he saved my life.  He wasn't enthralled he was my husband.

And no I wasn't enthralled when he came home after a 5 day business trip and our son was 2 months old and I was so desperate for a break and for sleep -he came home, took a nap from jet lag then got sick in the bathroom.  This is real life and it can happen on a first date or a 4th date too.  I mean then you;re not committed but what I mean is you can drive to a first date and get a flat tire, come down with a cold or stomach bug after a month of dating while you're maybe sleeping over. It's not enthralling.  It's not magical.  Real life isn't like that and busy people who have real lives have very serious relationships and get married.  Even when they're not feeling the magic or enthralled.  

Oh and my close male friend met his future wife on line in the late 90s -she was a doctor just starting out with major med school loans which he helped pay off after marriage. Her financial situation didn't deter him because of why she was in that situation.  His oldest son graduates college next year.

 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Girrrl123 said:

The worst of these was a 5 year situationship while in college and beyond. I dated him for a year and, after a break-up, nothing changed except the label went away. He even lived with me for two years but could never commit. During this time, neither of us was even interested in dating/hooking up with anyone else. Dumb decisions were made on my part, but I’m done with it now.

We're all learning life lessons as we go along. The lesson with what you went through should be that as soon as you see a dealbreaker, end it. If you are trying to wait around, hoping for a major change, then you're in the wrong relationship.

If you don't have time to date for 5 years, then so be it. You'll be 29 when you graduate, can move to where your career takes you, and then you'll have about a decade left of child bearing years to go on to your next goal of finding a lifetime partner.

I did OLD after my first marriage ended, and yes, it's sifting through a LOT of sand before finding the treasure. So expect it's like taking on a part time job to find the special one for you. I did meet my husband on OLD, but just before that discovered Meetup.com groups. I'd try that when you decide to date as a less stressful way to meet guys, plus volunteering at something fun like a zoo or museum or whatever interests you. Or joining a co-ed sports team. 

Try not to bring assumptions about what you've heard from a handful of people into your dating situations. Yes, there's plenty of jerks in the world but also plenty of guys who want the same things as you. Take a wait-and-see attitude, time will reveal all philosophy and with the life experience you already have tucked under your belt, you will be better equipped to know when to stay and when to go. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Giiiirrrrl Give yourself a break. You don't need to be so focused on this stuff. Go with the flow, and just enjoy your life and what you are doing for yourself. 

[TeeDee]

Focus on your move, school & life in the Big Apple.  The world is your oyster.   Do keep your eyes open for love but don't let that be your primary focus.  Studying is not laziness.  You have a path & the right person will see you working toward a goal.   Do learn to enforce your boundaries.  If you want a relationship don't settle for a situationship. 

[Cherylyn]

You're still young and have a whole lifetime ahead of you!  Fret no more.  Concentrate on your goals. 

I never dated in HS and college.  I was such a square.  🔲 Therefore,  I decided to focus on my career and fitness as well as whatever I was interested in such as hobbies,  intellectual pursuits,  excursions or sometimes I felt like being a homebody.  I marched to the beat of my own drum. 😊

Then one day,  a funny thing happened.  I realized the best,  most high quality men were suddenly crawling out of the woodwork to date me and I had to decline many dates.  I told them I was very busy. 

Men are extremely attracted to financially strong and independent women.  They are not attracted to women who wait around for men to approach them. 

Fast forward.  I met the love 💗of my life,  he's an amazing husband and father to our sons.  We live in a comfortable suburb and it's an established,  very settled life. 

You will attain happiness if you get busy with your own life.  The minute you ignore wishing your life away,  the right man will appear in your life when you least expect it.  🙂

[TeeDee]

Reading your other thread about the fling, I think you need to take a hard look at the men you pick & why.   It's not an easy thing to see sometimes. 

When I was around your age I was very aggressive so I ended up with aggressive men, very c 0 c k y arrogant A-holes.  I couldn't figure out why until I realized the common denominator was me & the vibe I gave off.  

It took me a while but I had to learn to dial things back.  That led me to different types of men who were more open to a relationship.  

From what you posted I see a pattern of settling:  situationship guy in college & now this fling guy.  So maybe you need to own up to wanting a stable relationship & not settling for anything less.  

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Then one day,  a funny thing happened.  I realized the best,  most high quality men were suddenly crawling out of the woodwork to date me and I had to decline many dates.  I told them I was very busy. 

Men are extremely attracted to financially strong and independent women.  They are not attracted to women who wait around for men to approach them. 

Mind if I ask how did you two meet? 🥰

[catfeeder]

Don't take with you any lessons about men from a handful of pipsqueaks who weren't even out of adolescence long enough to start shaving within the last year or two.

Think about your high school graduating class. How many of those senior 'men' looked older than age 12? Most people assume that adolescence ends at age 18, but it actually lasts through mid-20's with the pre-frontal cortex of the brain--for rational decision making--being the last thing to develop into adulthood.

So a bunch of 24 year old males who, for the first time in their lives, were finally being considered datable by women their own age, were in no position to settle down and commit to one woman, much less appreciate anyone beyond a candy store mentality.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Mind if I ask how did you two meet? 🥰

Through mutual friends,  professional organizations,  backyard potluck BBQ's,  baseball games,  etc.  😊

[ShySoul]

Every person is different. Every guy is different. Every relationship is different. Don't allow past relationships to skew your view on how any other relationship will go. Yes, some guys your age will not be willing to commit. People of all genders at your age may be like that. People of all genders are like that regardless of the age. But there are people who know what they want and are willing to commit themselves to someone, be it at your age or any other.

I'm a male and when I was your age I already knew that I wanted a relationship that was serious and could last. I knew that as far back as I can remember and still feel that way today. If I am seeing someone, I'm not thinking of anyone else. I'm not comparing her to an imaginary woman that might exist somewhere. I am living in the moment and appreciating how nothing could be better then what I have right now. By best friend was a male of the same age who felt the same way. I had two female co-workers who both got with their husbands at that age or earlier. So there are men who are willing to commit.

I had never thought one day a woman would be enthralled by my presence and that I would also like her and find her to be a good person. But it happened to me. I didn't think she could see past so much of me, including my current career status. But she did. 

Too often we allow our past to define us. Too often we let our lack of a relationship and longing for one control us. We believe that the past will repeat that the future is bleak. But the future is never certain. We could meet someone in ten years or tomorrow. We never know. The important thing is to live your life how you want to and make the most of what we have today. Be happy living in the moment and pursuing your own dreams. When the right one comes along, it won't matter when it is or how long it took. All that will matter is who it is and the love that exists between you.

[Cherylyn]

Keep in mind that when you are financially strong and independent,  this is your turn to afford to be very picky and choosy regarding men.  Not just any man will do.  This is the time when you only want the best of the best as you observe personality and character. 

Ask yourself the following questions:  Does he possess empathy?  What kind of husband will he be for me?  What kind of father will he be for my child or children?  Where does he see himself in 10 years?  What are his goals and aspirations?   You need to cover all that. 

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, Girrrl123 said:

I don’t know how someone can see past the fact that I have not reached my career end-goal and would also like to move out of the city eventually. I am also going to be so busy with coursework, work, and externships that I don’t even know how a relationship could be successful.

I am sorry, that is such, if I may say, "woman way" of thinking it hurts. Approximately no man, especially in your 20s(where almost nobody has all that things settled), would care about all those stuff. Women care about that stuff about the men they are dating. Men just dont. No man would care that if you are "GirlBossing" around making 6 figures or not. You would literally do better at the dating market with just being pretty and fit then with anything you mentioned. 

That is not to say that stuff you mentioned isnt important. But its important to you so you could achieve goals you set for yourself. And that is nice. But at the dating market it would literally more matter for example, for you to have a good personality and be open to conversation. Then what is your career and what you earn. As again, those are your views what you should be to attract men. And not how men would see you.

Also, I think Dark Chocolate mentioned on the other thread, but your picker is extremely broken. You have all those expectations from men who you choose from very shallow perspective and who are "players". And then wonder why they wont commit. Also I just now realized that you had expectations from the last guy because your ex has lived with you and didnt sleep around even though you werent together. Girl, your ex isnt really somebody you should model your future boyfriends behavior. As he himself was very bad and non- committal. 

Also, not to be "Negative Nancy" all the time, I will end with the positive note. You are still very young, you have time to figure your career and dating life. But you would need to fix some stuff, especially what you accept as men who you think should commit to you. Find time for dating if you have to. And dont neglect that part of your life as well. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Approximately no man, especially in your 20s(where almost nobody has all that things settled), would care about all those stuff

My husband was 28 at our first lunch date as was I.  One of the first questions he asked me was why I chose my career- same career as his back then.  He'd finished graduate school a few years prior to me.  He told me later it was because he wanted to be involved with a woman with a passion for her chosen career.  Even though he also was so happy I wanted to be a SAHM when our son was young.  Both were true.  His 3 other serious relationships were with woman who were very well educated, very bright and successful at their careers.  I am friends with one of then who he dated more short term.  

[ShySoul]

I want to be with someone who is happy with their life - be it personally, relationship wise, or chosen career. I want her to pursue her passion, whatever it is. It can be as a high power executive or barely getting by at a non-profit. Top priority is her happiness.

So yes, some men do care about a woman pursuing her work goals and aspirations. But it doesn't have to be a negative thing. It can be a positive and encouraging sign.

Just be you. Pursue what you want in life. The right person will like you for who you are and it will work out without the need for constant questioning or drama. And you will find that person when the time is right.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

So yes, some men do care about a woman pursuing her work goals and aspirations. But it doesn't have to be a negative thing. It can be a positive and encouraging sign.

My situation was different.  He knew we were at a large company and it was very prestigious to be working there.  What he wanted to know was why I was there -he didn't care what career etc just as long as what I chose was something I was passionate about -not just a job.  Or not just a knee jerk/auto pilot type choice.  I told him my story which he never expected to hear about why I chose the career and how it went back to the early 80s and a summer internship.  Also he was close with his parents and both had really strong work ethics and dedication to their careers - both mostly in public service and some business stuff for my late and wonderful MIL.

OP what you are doing with  yourself and your life is inspiring and admirable.  I was like you once.  Only date men who feel that way IMO.

[yogacat]

I think you're being a bit dramatic.

First, you should be incredibly proud of yourself for pursuing your goals and focusing on your education. That is incredibly important, and it's not something that everyone has the opportunity to do. Don't let the fear of not finding a partner deter you from your dreams and aspirations.

None of those things that you heard from your friends is how guys really think. Maybe a few immature ones, but that's it. I know plenty of men who are committed, monogamous, faithful, and just really into one girl, and they're quite young.

In fact, most of what you say sounds like something a 15-year-old would say, not someone your age. I mean seriously:

For crying out loud, you're 24! 🙂

You know, one of the biggest deal-breakers for girls is being too clingy or too anxious about a future together. You sound really, really a bit desperate with that statement, which I don't know your personal situation, but if you get tetchy or neurotic around guys about it, THAT might be the problem more than anything else.

Again, every guy handles relationships differently, some of them are happily committed. Some are allergic to relationships. Some guys are players, but I don't think this is the majority.

I'm sorry that you've had poor experiences in the past, and I think you may be tainting people with the same brush because of it. It's important to be aware of patterns, in life and especially in dating, but that doesn't mean that every guy is emotionally unavailable or unfaithful.

I had two beautiful committed relationships in my twenties at different times and the men were very much 100% committed, it just didn't work out for reasons beyond anyone's control. 

In my opinion, one of the biggest parts of dating is learning what you DON'T want and what you do and just keep weeding out the bad to get to the good. Have a standard in your mind of the type of person you want and want to be yourself! Those are the features that should be high on your list of possible guy partners. Don't pin that you MUST be with a guy soon. If it takes you a whole year to dedicate to finding "the one" then so be it. 

It would be foolish accounting-wise to put too much commitment on it but if it happens then that is great as well.

Never feel like you must doubt your dating journey and perpetually be asking all these unhealthy questions of self-doubt. And again, no guy is all the same.

[SooSad33]

On 7/19/2024 at 5:20 AM, Girrrl123 said:

During this situationship, I also heard one of my closest friends say that he loved this girl so much he was dating but didn’t want to commit and broke up with her out of nowhere. They both have the same reasoning though - even though everything’s going really well, I’m still young, and maybe, I can find someone better. I, now, always have in the back of my head that guys will always be looking for someone better (and there is always someone better) even while in a relationship.

Sorry you're feeling so lost/ out of sorts 😕 .

But I feel, this will pass.  You just need to get moved and go from there. And I believe ( with wht you mentioned above), this just wasn't 'your person'.

YOU have tons of time, because yeah, you ARE still so young! 🙂 . I was married with a kid at your age, BUT I was also divorced by age 30!  See, we never know....  And I had gotten involved again a cpl yrs later and had another 2 kids and that failed too, lol.  But, I came to realize it is what it is.  

I will say one thing in all of this.. always take care of YOU!  Because if you don't it'll come back at you.  meaning, get your rest and while you're studying, do also try & get out with friends now & then. This may be where you come to find someone new to your liking ,as I recall, my doctor met her hubby while she was in school.

So, as I said, we never know 😉 .  You may meet a nice guy at a party, or standing in line at a store or coffee shop.

Just try & calm your mind down a little.  Don't think in such a negative, cause you've got many more years ahead of you.  🙂