Why am I so upset? Should I say anything or just ghost?

[Girrrl123]

I (mid-20s) meet this great guy (late-20s) about 3 months ago on a dating app. I was clear that I was moving soon (3ish hrs away for school). I wasn’t and am not looking for anything serious at the moment since everything’s a little unstable due to a big life-change.

Anyway, I really like this guy, which I wasn’t totally expecting. We went on a mini vacation, and I’ve met some people he knows. We have lots of inside jokes and have gone on fun dates, etc. However, I started noticing girl’s undergarments left in his place. I was a little upset by them but didn’t say anything because I never said at any point that I wanted things to be exclusive, and I am leaving soon. I did voice concerns before about catching STD/Is, so I was a little surprised nothing was said during those convos.

Last time seeing him before I move, he tells me that he’s only slept with three people, and it all has happened recently. I asked “how recent?” and got a “you don’t want to know.” I later said I was curious about these other two people and got a “they’re just hookups and there’s nothing real.”

I don’t know why and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, but I’m really upset. Maybe, I just feel inadequate because I wasn’t enough for him the last three months. Maybe, I am upset he tried to hide this from me, and I am unsure why he felt as if he had to hide it. I am absolutely concerned about the possibility of catching something.

I don’t know if I should say anything or just ghost him. He’s planning to visit me after I move. I’m just bummed that he seemed so great and everything was fantastic and then this ruined it all.

[DarkCh0c0]

He's not serious about you nor the other women.

You're both not exclusive, so he didn't owe you much in terms of disclosure. I can see you wanted more though.

3 minutes ago, Girrrl123 said:

don’t know if I should say anything or just ghost him.

Best to stop talking to him unless you want casual sex.

4 minutes ago, Girrrl123 said:

he seemed so great and everything was fantastic and then this ruined it all.

He's not so fantastic. Not as much as you make him out to be. Clearly, he's not partner material, so he's not a suitable candidate for you. Add to that, he's bed hopping and he's put you at risk of catching an STD. Yikes.

7 minutes ago, Girrrl123 said:

Maybe, I just feel inadequate because I wasn’t enough for him the last three months.

Again, it's not about you. He's a player and HE wasn't looking for anything serious. You will be more than enough for the right person.

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, Girrrl123 said:

I wasn’t and am not looking for anything serious at the moment

Had you told him this? 

If you're not looking for anything serious, I am not sure what you are upset about (beyond disclosure about sexual activity since it's a health concern) 

[Girrrl123]

31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Had you told him this? 

If you're not looking for anything serious, I am not sure what you are upset about (beyond disclosure about sexual activity since it's a health concern) 

I did. I am for sure upset about not disclosing this, and I’m unsure why he didn’t. I was very upfront about last fling and when it ended and when I was last tested etc. 

Also, I guess I just feel bad about myself now too because, even seeing him 3 or 4 times a week (often doing date-like activities and trips that go for entire days) that wasn’t enough, and he still felt like he needed other women. I just feel inadequate, and I’m guilty of generalizing and thinking that any man I’m with (even when in a relationship) isn’t going to think I’m enough.

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, Girrrl123 said:

Also, I guess I just feel bad about myself now too because, even seeing him 3 or 4 times a week (often doing date-like activities and trips that go for entire days) that wasn’t enough, and he still felt like he needed other women.

You literally told him you dont want a relationship with him. Why did you expect he will be loyal to you when he had no obligations to be? He isnt your boyfriend, he is just somebody you have sex with. As such, he is free to go out and sleep with the entire town if he wishes to do so. Admittedly, I dont think this guy would be loyal to you even if you are in the relationship. But you getting offended at him for sleeping around is on you and you alone.

Are you a Goddess? Do you have a narcissistic disorder? Because if you dont have one "OMG how can he having sex with me is not enough" is kinda silly thing to even say. You expected his undying loyalty. While you yourself didnt want to give one to him and let him do whatever he wants. And when he did, now you are suddenly "offended". Because "How could he sleep with with other women when I am right here."

This is entirely on you. You can stop having sex with him if you dont like that he is sleeping around, that is OK and sensible thing to do. But this whole situation only has one culprit and that is you and you alone. Stop blaming all the men in the world for it.

[Girrrl123]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You literally told him you dont want a relationship with him. Why did you expect he will be loyal to you when he had no obligations to be? He isnt your boyfriend, he is just somebody you have sex with. As such, he is free to go out and sleep with the entire town if he wishes to do so. Admittedly, I dont think this guy would be loyal to you even if you are in the relationship. But you getting offended at him for sleeping around is on you and you alone.

Are you a Goddess? Do you have a narcissistic disorder? Because if you dont have one "OMG how can he having sex with me is not enough" is kinda silly thing to even say. You expected his undying loyalty. While you yourself didnt want to give one to him and let him do whatever he wants. And when he did, now you are suddenly "offended". Because "How could he sleep with with other women when I am right here."

This is entirely on you. You can stop having sex with him if you dont like that he is sleeping around, that is OK and sensible thing to do. But this whole situation only has one culprit and that is you and you alone. Stop blaming all the men in the world for it.

Wow. Never said I was blaming him. I understand why. I understand he didn’t even do anything wrong. I even said where I misstepped in all of this. He didn’t disclose when I think I made it clear that I was worried about sexual health. That doesn’t sit well with me. That’s what he did wrong. I posted this because I’m upset (“Why am I so upset?”), and I don’t really know why because I don’t want a relationship.

Also, I just have some personal experiences that make it hard for me to trust men. I certainly don’t logically think all men are like this, but I just have a hard time not thinking in these terms due to my experiences. I do have an anxiety disorder, so there’s that. I tend to generalize and catastrophize. I know I am doing this.

I don’t know why you felt the need to be this accusatory. Yeah, I’m at fault for my own emotions lol

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Girrrl123 said:

Also, I guess I just feel bad about myself now too because, even seeing him 3 or 4 times a week (often doing date-like activities and trips that go for entire days) that wasn’t enough, and he still felt like he needed other women.

I don't understand this. 

You told him you weren't looking for anything serious. Why would he not continue seeing other women, then? It has nothing to do with you not being enough or needing other women. You simply weren't offering anything more. It makes sense that he wouldn't limit himself to you. 

If you'd changed your mind somewhere along the way and thought you may have wanted something more serious, you needed to communicate that to him.  It appears you didn't. 

I understand wanting to know if he's having sex with others, for health reasons. I don't understand turning this into a measuring stick of your self-worth when you had already said you didn't want a serious relationship. That part is on you. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, Girrrl123 said:

I understand why. I understand he didn’t even do anything wrong.

The fact that you can say this while thinking you should ghost him, proves without of a doubt that you have pretty much zero self awareness when talking about stuff. If a guy didnt do anything wrong, why are you so mad at him? You are "offended" because "you allowing him to have sex with your perfect self" isnt enough for him. This has everything to do with your narcissism and the fact that he chose to sleep with others while "Little miss perfect is right there". You expected him to be loyal because "OMG he has you after all so why would he sleep around". While you yourself set down the pace and didnt want a relationship. If you wanted commitment you should have told him that and then we would talk about cheating. But this is not it.

Guy did nothing wrong. You and your unrealistic expectations out of ONS did. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Girrrl123 said:

I did. I am for sure upset about not disclosing this, and I’m unsure why he didn’t. I was very upfront about last fling and when it ended and when I was last tested etc. 

Also, I guess I just feel bad about myself now too because, even seeing him 3 or 4 times a week (often doing date-like activities and trips that go for entire days) that wasn’t enough, and he still felt like he needed other women. I just feel inadequate, and I’m guilty of generalizing and thinking that any man I’m with (even when in a relationship) isn’t going to think I’m enough.

He didn't need any other woman. He wanted to date other women.  Because you two weren't exclusive and also he knew you were moving.  I agree with Catfeeder. If  your personal issues trigger  you to have issues with men then I wouldn't date right now and certainly don't have casual sex - it's not fair  to men to be treated like that like they're not to be trusted and certainly not fair to you. I hope your STD tests come out ok

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Girrrl123 said:

I’m guilty of generalizing and thinking that any man I’m with (even when in a relationship) isn’t going to think I’m enough

But you can't think like that when the men you are picking are casual f* buddies. These are not partner material men dating you and being loyal/exclusive to you. You need be clear about what you want now so that you don't go after the wrong type of men. If you keep going after f* buddies, it will just fuel your negative self talk.

You could use some work on your self-esteem to believe in yourself and that you are enough just the way you are. And you will be enough for the right person.

[yogacat]

Put yourself in his shoes...

If a man you were dating said he didn't want to be serious with you and nothing has changed about that, would you not date other people?

Sure, knowing that he's sleeping with other people probably needed to be a precursor to any physical intimacy you had with him - not just the possibility of STD's but from an emotional distance perspective.

From the outside it seems like you two had a pretty good thing going without any expectations of being exclusive.  Slept in the same bed while his place is littered with underwear of another girl, you go on vacation together, no mention of anything serious coming up... and you caught feelings?  

Would I discontinue seeing him with this newfound information, yes, 100%. For the sole purpose being that there are risks involved. As crappy as it is for us to admit to ourselves, if we are willing to put out, other people are too (for the most part).

[rainbowsandroses]

@Girrrl123 fwiw I understand how you feel. 

OK you told him you didn't want serious.  So logically you have no right to be upset by this. And you know this!!  You sound fully aware. 

But emotions and feelings aren't always logical.  In fact they are very rarely logical.  They're emotional, which is why you're upset.  

It makes perfect sense to me, I've experienced same. 

I think at this point it's best to next him.  He hasn't really done anything "wrong"  and I actually give him credit for telling you what's happening. 

If you're concerned about STDs, which everyone who is sexually active should be, next time ASK.  It's your health and your life, don't be afraid to ask these hard questions. That's on YOU. 

We can't control how we feel, we can only control how we respond to our feelings. 

So yeah, walk away. No need to ghost, simply tell him it's not working for you anymore.  A text is fine, then block.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. 

P.S.  I don't think this is about narcissim, entitlement or you believing you're some sort of princess.

Admittedly you liked the guy!  You had no expectations but still, you had feelings and upon learning he was banging other women, it hurt you. 

This is normal and quite common in these types of situations.

All you can do now is wish him well and walk away. 

All the best moving forward.

 

 

[smackie9]

If it's casual...you should be expecting them to be dating/sleeping with other people. Yes some people date one person at a time, but not everyone does this, especially when they are attractive and a good catch. Opportunity is opportunity. Maybe having a clear conversation about expectations/sex, etc would have made things easier than just assuming. As for this guy, just break it off. You don't own him any explanation, no argument, no lecture, nothing.... 

[TeeDee]

You went into this wanting a casual fling but I think you are learning that maybe you aren't wired for casual.   It felt more like dates & you caught some feelings that you weren't expecting. 

As you intellectually understand you can't blame him because he didn't do anything wrong because you two weren't exclusive.  Still IMO you have a right to be peeved because . . . eew ... other women's underwear out in the open.  He didn't need to be throwing that in your face & proving that he's a lousy housekeeper. I'd be wondering if he washed the sheets between the owner of those panties & you.  Just yuck. 

[yogacat]

41 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Still IMO you have a right to be peeved because . . . eew ... other women's underwear out in the open.  He didn't need to be throwing that in your face & proving that he's a lousy housekeeper. I'd be wondering if he washed the sheets between the owner of those panties & you.  Just yuck. 

I was thinking the same. Distasteful.👍

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I was thinking the same. Distasteful.👍

I think he wanted her to find them.  

But yeah, distasteful for sure.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey yoga, why the laugh?  Just curious.

He wouldn't be the first guy to leave evidence around like that.  He wanted her to know and was probably surprised she didn't ask.  

I would have!  And frankly I'm surprised she didn't ask about it either.   Her health, her life.  Ask! 

Anyway, when she didn't ask, he straight out told her. 

Again, yeah not the best way to handle but now she knows and can move on.

It's not funny imo, it's kinda sad.

 

[yogacat]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think he wanted her to find them.  

That would be funky.

OP, I can't imagine going to a guy's, seeing other women's undies, and then want to be intimate with him.

Not faulting you, I mean, when you're in the moment, you're in the moment. But, I'm wondering what went through your mind when you first went there and found the underwear?

To me, that's "alarm bells" territory.

[yogacat]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

He wouldn't be the first guy to leave evidence around like that.  He wanted her to know and was probably surprised she didn't ask.  

No, I think he's just dumb and careless.

PS> I wasn't laughing at you, I was laughing at the thought of someone purposely leaving another person's undergarments for someone to see.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, yogacat said:

No, I think he's just dumb and careless.

I might have thought that too had he not actually told her about his escapades soon thereafter. 

Clearly, well at least imo, he did it intentionally, he wanted her to know.  No man is that stupid.

Oh I dunno maybe it's a little of both.  He wanted her to know and he's also dumb and careless. 

Who the hell knows.  What matters is the OP now knows and can move on.

Lesson learned, next time ask.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, yogacat said:

PS> I wasn't laughing at you, I was laughing at the thought of someone purposely leaving another person's undergarments for someone to see.

I know. 😀   I didn't take it personally.  Thanks for clarifying tho..

 

[Cherylyn]

You could very well be just another hookup or a notch on his belt, too.  🙄

I wouldn't just ghost him.  Text him that you wish him all the best,  however,  it's time to part ways and peace out.  Sincerely,  Your Name.  😐  You don't have to explain. 

Then ghost him.  Block and delete him after that. 

[yogacat]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I might have thought that too had he not told her about his escapades soon thereafter. 

Clearly, well at least imo, he did it intentionally, he wanted her to know.  No man is that stupid.

Oh I dunno maybe it's a little of both.  He wanted her to know and he's also dumb and careless. 

Who the hell knows.  What matters is the OP now knows and can move on.

Lesson learned, next time ask.

One time at band camp (American Pie reference, lol), a man I had been dating for a couple of months was visiting my house to watch a movie and when I was going to find something to lounge in, I pulled out a t-shirt of a male fire fighter as I was rummaging through my clothes.

The man I was dating said, oh, I have a t-shirt of mine I can give you, so yes, nothingburgers can be had at times. I certainly wasn't any man that I was dating, it was my best friend's brother's t-shirt and I had slept over her house a few months prior to that and borrowed a t-shirt from her drawer.

But he (the op's guy) explicitly stated he was sleeping with other women, so I'm not sure he would leave it there for her to find so that he could offer up that info right after. However, who knows.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

so I'm not sure he would leave it there for her to find so that he could offer up that info right after. However, who knows.

Fair point however I think he was expecting her to ask to avoid the awkward conversation of having to tell her with no prompting from her. 

Also, he kept leaving the undergarments around, it wasn't just once and a dumb mistake.  

She said she kept finding them!  So it was ongoing. 

Just my take, I've known men who do this type of sh** when women DON'T ask and he wants her to know. 

But yeah who knows, doesn't matter at this point and I suspect the OP is gone now anyway. 

She seemed offended by some of the posts. 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Girrrl123 said:

I am absolutely concerned about the possibility of catching something.

I hear, and I'd take from this going forward that there's a difference between being exclusive to form a committed relationship versus being exclusive sexually to be more safe.

Even if I didn't view myself as relationship material, I'd have a talk--up front. Something like, "I agree to being casual, but to me that doesn't mean putting my health at risk. If we decide to get sexual, would you be willing to keep sex just between us unless we let the other know that we've decided otherwise before we have sex again?"

You'd still have the risk of a near stranger not being honest with you, but at least you've attempted to keep things safe and transparent. Then if you ever learn that the guy has hooked up without warning you before having sex with you, you'd have a no-brainer right to walk away and ghost him.

Head high, and take the valuable stuff from this to build confidence in your next dating experience.