I Don't Know How To Be Alone

[PKL]

Hello everyone,

I'm a senior in college, and me and my girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up 3 weeks ago.  Since my freshman year of high school, I've been in relationships and haven't gone longer than 6ish months without having someone as my partner.  Now that I am newly single, I find it so hard to just be by myself.  I have my family as I live at home, but only one close friend from high school, as well as sometimes talking to my ex, as we are remaining friends for now.  I struggle with not always having someone to talk to or communicate with. How do people go throughout months or years with no significant other?  How do I even meet people to be friends with during this time?  My degree program only has 4 other students in it and the courses are not with the other students. I want to work on myself. I am an introverted person by nature, but I always like to have just that one person I can always count on.  

[TeeDee]

I'm sorry about the break up but this may be one of the most important lessons you learn how to be single & independent.  Better you learn this now than when you are 40. 

As part of your studies can you do an internship & meet people through that job?   Take on even a part time job doing something for money.  It doesn't have to be about your major just something to make money & get to know co-workers.   Volunteer doing something you are passionate about:  helping animals, being a docent at a museum, volunteering at a hospital.  Just do something.  Join a club or organization.  It's summer so reach out to a friend or acquaintance from HS & reconnect. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @TeeDee.  If you don't want to be alone,  you'll have to put yourself out there.  Try MeetUps for walks in your community,  fitness groups,  hobby groups,  charitable good works,  go on an outing with a friend and if you want group settings,  organize a potluck in your home.  You have to start somewhere.  Surround yourself with very moral people.  Get out of a rut.

[Coily]

There are some good suggestions to get out of being lonely, but I think you also need to develop the art of being alone.

I've been alone a lot in my life, but not always lonely; I found lots of things to do to dissipate that loneliness. I spent time developing skills that challenged me, started becoming more well rounded in my reading, delved into being creative as well. I made sure I found ways to be content when it was just me. I went exploring the world too.

I have found a lot of people are very uncomfortable in the idea of going solo, but it can be a lot of fun; and sometimes you meet accidentally amazing people or have the best memories. So don't fear being alone, find ways you can thrive and grow; challenge yourself!

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

There are some good suggestions to get out of being lonely, but I think you also need to develop the art of being alone.

I've been alone a lot in my life, but not always lonely; I found lots of things to do to dissipate that loneliness. I spent time developing skills that challenged me, started becoming more well rounded in my reading, delved into being creative as well. I made sure I found ways to be content when it was just me. I went exploring the world too.

I have found a lot of people are very uncomfortable in the idea of going solo, but it can be a lot of fun; and sometimes you meet accidentally amazing people or have the best memories. So don't fear being alone, find ways you can thrive and grow; challenge yourself!

What a great point. Also it’s so much better to be this way if you want to be a good partner to someone. Here are things I’ve done alone:

At 15 I got on a 10 plus hour plane ride - my first plane ride ! And went on a teen tour. I knew no one. 
In my 20s and early 30s I went to 3 club med resorts by myself and knew no one. 
I’ve gone to the opera movies and theater and fine restaurants by myself (Chez Panisse in Berkeley!). I went to many singles events by myself. 
I solo parented a lot when my son was a baby and toddler and young kid. I took him with me to many places where I knew no one. Believe me it’s like being alone but harder. Obviously my son is awesome company but as you likely know it’s not the same as being with a partner or friend. And often so much responsibility.  
 

[catfeeder]

Learning how to stabilize solo and like yourself when you are alone is the best gift you can give to yourself. It's a path to the life skills of resilience and confidence. So pursue a mix of interests you can explore that are singular and also with groups. For instance, you can take up hobbies or art or exploration of nature alone, but you can also join groups of enthusiasts in these areas to learn from one another.

You can also explore joining groups within meetup.org or involve yourself in a cause that matters to you. The people you meet may overlap in one or just a few areas of interest, so you may need to forms different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. When we were younger we could homogenize well with a best friend who became our 'everything,' but that's not realistic for adults who have their own priorities and grow more set in their personalities. So respect the limits of others even while you appreciate their willingness to involve you in any given aspect of their lives.

Head high. No potential friends will track you down inside your home. You'll need to put yourself out there, but you don't need to become a fake extrovert. Just observe and learn from the people around you how to relax into who you are. The right people for you will be able to view you through the right lens. The wrong people for you will overlook you, and that's okay. None of us are 'everyone's' cup of tea.

[ShySoul]

The only person who decides if we are lonely or not is us. We can be surrounded by people, yet feel completly alone. Or we can be by ourself and never feel more alive and happy. It comes down to the choice you make for yourself. Do you want feel alone and sad? Or do you want to tell yourself that this is an opportunity and a blessing? Because it really can be.

Not having a significant other, or even a group of close friends, means you aren't dividing your time and attention to meeting the needs and demands of everyone else. It is freedom to explore who you are and what your passions are. Is there something you've always thought would be neat to try but never had the time for? Now is the time to try it. Find the things that energize you, that cheers you up. 

When you focus on just being happy on your own and doing your own thing, it dampens the feelings of lonliness. You realize that while having that extra person around is nice, it isn't vital. And it frees you of the pressure of trying to find someone else to fill that void.

Focus on a thing that interests you and find an outlet for it. Odds are there will be others who like the same thing and that can be a springboard into meeting new people. Maybe you will find someone you hit it off with. And if you don't, you'll still be having fun just doing whatever the chosen activity is.

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for everyone but I need to strike a balance between going solo and being solo too much.  Sure,  I truly enjoy my alone time and I have a lot of it but after a while,  excessive alone time is enough up to a point. 

I remember flying solo at age 8.5 years old to see my father once during my parents' split.  My mother sent me off at the airport and I was on my own which was scary.  😒

Even though I'm married,  I do a lot on my own and have in the past.  My husband traveled frequently for business.  He was gone for several weeks at a time every month while I tended to a newborn son and toddler son.  That was tough but I lived to tell about it. 

My widowed mother frequented restaurants and sat all by herself while surrounded by families and couples.  Even she said it felt awkward and uncomfortable.  The upside was a couple pitied her and anonymously paid her dinner bill!  😏

OP @PKL,  instead of lamenting your loneliness,  do something about it.  People won't come to you. You have to go to them.  I've noticed the most popular,  well liked people are doers.  They don't sit around and complain.  They take action.  They initiate,  call or text to get socializing started.  They get the ball rolling.  They make it happen. 

Even if you're introverted by nature,  often times,  you have to be brave and just do it.  Then with practice,  you'll develop high self esteem and grow more self confident.  You'll be pleasantly surprised that people love to have a good time but it would never happen if everyone waited for someone else to make the first move.  This should be you. 👍 🙂

 

[ShySoul]

Try dating yourself. Really spend the time to get to know every aspect of you, growing into the person you want to be and appreciating the person you are. When we know ourselves and are comfortable as our true authentic selves, that makes having relationships with others easier.

https://mblwrites.medium.com/dos-and-donts-of-dating-yourself-ca10a53ff276

https://www.greendoortherapy.com/post/5-ways-to-date-yourself-and-why-you-should

[AuthenticSelf]

Before you take the advice of going out there, let me tell you this. 

I used to do that after hard breaking up. The thing is, it just made me feel more alone. 

Seeing others with their significant others is somehow feel bad when I am going out there. 

Also, even if you put yourself out there, nobody cares about you. 

Think about it, whether or not you show up at some social even, have you ever notice nobody cares? 

 

 

Just curious, why do you scare of being alone? Why is it annoy you? 

[Cherylyn]

You can still feel alone even with people if you don't fix yourself first.  Be independent minded in order to feel whole.  Do what you enjoy,  work hard,  have interests and immerse yourself into doing what you can concentrate on. 

Associate with those with alike minds whether it's organizations,  clubs,  charities,  volunteering in your community or church if you're faith based.  Your options are limitless.

Take good care of your health.  When you're unhealthy physically,  your mind is not clear headed and sensible. 

People are attracted to secure people and they're drawn to them.  This is what you need to work on.  People will care about you if you care for your well being first.  Work on improving your self esteem and then your self confidence will soar.  Hence,  people will flock to you like a magnet.  You have to start somewhere. 

Do you have family whom you can rely on for moral support?  Siblings?  Cousins?  Extended family members? 

Perhaps you can reach out to friends through your social media such as FB,  IG,  etc. 

[ShySoul]

48 minutes ago, AuthenticSelf said:

I used to do that after hard breaking up. The thing is, it just made me feel more alone. 

Seeing others with their significant others is somehow feel bad when I am going out there. 

Also, even if you put yourself out there, nobody cares about you. 

Noticed that as well. One of the worse feelings is being alone while surrounded by a crowd. 

I wouldn't say they don't care as much as they don't notice. They are all wrapped up in their own things to even see you.

Most important thing is to stay true to you and do something that will make you happy, regardless if other people are involved.

 

[Cherylyn]

Keep in mind that even though you feel lonely,  there are merits to being alone.  The key is to strike a balance.  Getting together with a friend once in a while is fine but even after one day of socializing,  I'm already exhausted because I'm unaccustomed to a social butterfly lifestyle.  I'm not cut out for it.  Even though being with people is enjoyable up to a point,  I truly savor my alone time to the hilt.  I love quiet time alone.

You'll have plenty of time to be surrounded by people when you begin your career and as you're with more people as years go by.  Believe me,  you'll get sick of them quickly! 

Make use of your alone time now because you'll miss it one day.