Am i being paranoid or is there a big probem?

[Cosytoes]

Hi, for the last few months my relationship has not been the same. My boyfriend has autism which does cause issues but i know he can not help this as that is who he is. I feel like he has become so bored with me and the relationship, he told me can we do more things at the weekend rather than just go for walks, go for dinner. I do agree it has become boring but neither of us have the money to splash out and im always the ine that has to make the decision of what/where to go. Ive always suggested places to go that we could find fun, but he always say it would be too loud and stressful for him, i understand this so i try not to mention it and try to do quieter activities. But now hes saying it’s boring. I spoke to him about this explaining, he needs to try to think what he would like to do. My area i live is small and quiet, which he likes but constantly moans there is nothing to do. So i suggest we go to the city where he lives but he hates it as it’s too noisy. I cant seem to get it right or make him happy. This week ive gave up trying and hes become distant with me. 
Another thing that was brought up recently was cheating because we were watching something that talked about emotional cheating or hiding keeping friends that are girls hidden from their girlfriends. He seemed shocked that this was cheating and he went bright red and started to sweat a little. We spoke about cheating when we began dating and I thought he understood. He has been on his phone a lot while we are together and he keeps his phone hidden more. He doesnt call me on the phone as much and he never gives me compliments, tells me he loves me, his did up until 7 months ago. Am i being so paranoid as i do overthink and analyse everything. 
 

[yogacat]

I understand wanting to do things that are fun with each other but you shouldn't need to fill every waking moment with activities.

Could it be that he just wants to spend more time alone doing things he enjoys? Is he facing a high stress period in life that he needs to attend to without you?

When men start to pull away, it's not usually because they have undercover vices or off-the-wall hobbies.

I don't know, I wish I had more for you. He just might be in a funk. People come together and they fuse, but when something happens that becomes a massive stress on one of them, it can break that bond and y'all can disconnect. 

Something is up… and it's not just boredom. 

You mentioned he's Autistic so maybe all the talking involved in going out is tiring for him, whereas staying at home and doing things is less stressful.

[ShySoul]

If he is bored with the actitivities you are doing, he should pick out something that will be exciting for him. He needs to figure the balance between going out and staying in. He should think of things that would not be too overwhelming for him. You can only do so much, but he needs to think of something himself without making you decide everything and then dismissing it.

A friend once gave me as a joke a deck of cards that were 52 cheap dates. There seems to be plenty of lists like this online. Maybe try browsing through such lists together and see if any idea sounds fun to you. Then just see what in the area matches this idea. There are also plenty of sites that cover local events, depending on where you are. My friend and I have done everything from free concerts in parks or downtown areas to minigolf to a bat walk. Just takes a little research and creativity.

To get you started: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/budgeting/cheap-date-night-ideas

https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/blogs/news/cheap-date-ideas/

[graphicdesigner]

I remember my late husband and I going through this exact problem. We were struggling financially at the time, and so going out more often was out of the question for us. We lived in our downtown area, so there are/were free concerts in the downtown area every week/weekend. It was wonderful. We went to a few and really enjoyed it. But we always preferred going out with friends for dinner/drinks, and we just couldn't afford to go more often than once a week at the time. 

Definitely take the suggestions of looking for inexpensive activities to do together online. There has to be quite a list of fun things to do together. Good luck!

[Coily]

For right now don't focus too much on his sweating moment, he may have done something innocent  and is worried that it comes across as cheating. Which i think is your primary worry here.

I think too many people think going on dates has to be some elaborate or romantic thing; i see that being a common trap most fall into. I know, I did that myself. I like some of the suggestions in the links Shy posted. I would also put out that you can do lots of fun little things. Routine is boring, so maybe it's time to shake things up. If you always go out on a Saturday, maybe switch days, or add a day?

Budget is tight one weekend, maybe go for a drive to a local landmark. Pack your lunch and head out on a quiet adventure.

If you both are into gaming, look into a cheap co-op game you both can budget for.

As a follow up, how long have you two been together?

[smackie9]

Well it could very well be true he is bored and so he gets stimulation from the attention of others. It can be quite addicting (emotional cheating), and some people end up living a double life. 

[poorlittlefish]

If he doesn't want to do anything that you suggest for various reasons, then it's for him to suggest things you can do together. I suspect he prefers to moan because he's getting interest from someone else.

My ex was autistic. He told me the only way we'd split up would be if I cheated. He started being secretive with his phone, cancelling dates so he could keep an eye on a ceiling stain (seriously) and wouldn't you know, he was cheating on me. Autism isn't an excuse for shady changes in behaviour. Observe what someone does more than what they say. 

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, Cosytoes said:

He has been on his phone a lot while we are together and he keeps his phone hidden more. He doesnt call me on the phone as much and he never gives me compliments, tells me he loves me, his did up until 7 months ago.

Then why are you clinging to someone who hasn't been meeting your needs for more than half a year? It's rude of him to be on his phone a lot when that's supposed to be quality time together. If someone stopped telling me he loved me for half a year when he used to, I'd have to assume he no longer loves me. He's also rude to place all responsibility of what new things you can do on dates onto your head.

Know that when a woman has sex with a man, the hormones released make her want to bond with a man, even if he's wrong for her. I hope you have some self-worth in that you won't stick it out just because you love a guy, when his treatment of you isn't what you want from a bf.

But if you want to try a discussion to see if he cares enough to please you in your reasonable requests, tell him you want the phone put away when you're on dates. Ask him what the reason is he no longer says he loves you. Tell him you will take turns deciding what the next date will be. Discuss again relationship boundaries and make sure you're both on the same page.

At some point, just doing things as a couple can get boring. Do you two have couple friends or group friends? Sometimes it's fun to invite friends over to play cards or a game and to serve appetizers. 

Anyhow, perhaps a good discussion will help you get insight about what's going on with him. Sounds to me like he's too cowardly to break up with you and that he hopes you'll tire of his poor behavior and whining and do the deed yourself. 

Let us know how it goes.

[ShySoul]

23 hours ago, Cosytoes said:

He seemed shocked that this was cheating and he went bright red and started to sweat a little. We spoke about cheating when we began dating and I thought he understood. He has been on his phone a lot while we are together and he keeps his phone hidden more. He doesnt call me on the phone as much and he never gives me compliments, tells me he loves me, his did up until 7 months ago.

I'm thinking it was most likely an innocent error and he's embarrassed by it. Now he is more afraid something will come out, even if it's nothing damaging, so doesn't want anything to come out for fear you'll get mad at him cheating. 

Part of being in a relationship is showing a person you care in the small ways. If you aren't getting that, then you need to tell him how you feel. You need to feel he is putting in the effort and wants to be with you. Being autistic isn't an excuse not to do those things. However, you may need to show more patience in explaning things to him. It's a balance that will be unique to your situation, and only you can decide what is fair for the two of you. Be understanding of him, but don't feel you have to settle for something that isn't making you happy.

And here's some ideas for date specifically geared to autistic people. If his complaint was the loud crowds, then maybe someplace quiet would be best like a museum or movie.

https://www.heyasd.com/blogs/autism/best-dates-autism

[Cosytoes]

On 7/19/2024 at 10:15 PM, ShySoul said:

I'm thinking it was most likely an innocent error and he's embarrassed by it. Now he is more afraid something will come out, even if it's nothing damaging, so doesn't want anything to come out for fear you'll get mad at him cheating. 

Part of being in a relationship is showing a person you care in the small ways. If you aren't getting that, then you need to tell him how you feel. You need to feel he is putting in the effort and wants to be with you. Being autistic isn't an excuse not to do those things. However, you may need to show more patience in explaning things to him. It's a balance that will be unique to your situation, and only you can decide what is fair for the two of you. Be understanding of him, but don't feel you have to settle for something that isn't making you happy.

And here's some ideas for date specifically geared to autistic people. If his complaint was the loud crowds, then maybe someplace quiet would be best like a museum or movie.

https://www.heyasd.com/blogs/autism/best-dates-autism

Thank you for this! It’s just very hard to understand and know his real feelings sometimes. He can be a people pleaser and can just go along with certain things too just to keep people happy. I know he want to go to comic con but he said it will be too loud and has no one to go with as he has only one friend. I suggested I could go and he screwed his face up as his friend is going with his girlfriend. It’s difficult to know what to do or say as he can become sensitive to things too, if he said all the things he said to me he would be really hurt but a lot of the time I shrug it off. I actually had to make him a list of things to not joke about ie my weight (I put on weight after a deep depression and I’m trying to lose it now). 

[catfeeder]

To say to someone, “I’m bored, and it’s on you to fix that…” isn’t reasonable.

BF can do what most of us do when dealing with loud places—foam earplugs or noise canceling earbuds or headphones.

Suggest that, and ask him to come up with some things he’d like to explore with a sound buffer. Also, there are lots of amusement parks and festivals that reserve a block of time that subdues lights and sounds for those who are extra-sensory.

[ShySoul]

I'm sorry, he does sound difficult to deal with. Remember that you can only do so much. He needs to do his share as well.

I second the noisecancelling headphones. And if he does want to go someplace that could be overwhelming, do some research and planning beforehand. Go at times that are offpeak, find the quieter spots when you need a break, see if they have any assistance or alternative experiences for people with special needs who may not be able to handle the same sensory levels as others. These places want you to visit, so a lot will be willing to help when they can.

And he can always go someplace on his own. Just because you are in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to do everything together. It might be good if he does his own thing and finds an activity to keep him busy and have fun. It would also give you a break from feeling like you need to plan everything. That way when you come back together, it can be more special, each sharing what they were up to.

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all I actually don't consider having friends of the opposite gender cheating. I'm not sure why he went bright red because if he has female friends who are just platonic and nothing else then it's not cheating. I agree it would be a bit suspicious to hide your female friends from your girlfriend. But unless a guy is actually romantically interested in those female friends then having those friends isn't cheating.

Again that's just how I feel. I don't have a problem if my partner has female friends and I have male friends myself. But I'm not interested in those male friends and they're not interested in me beyond friendship. I would like my partner to be upfront about having the female friends but I also don't expect that he tell me literally everything. Like, I don't expect to see any text messages or anything like that. Or if he grabbed a coffee with a female colleague at work, I don't expect him to tell me every time: "By the way I got a coffee with her on my break today". I trust my partner as a baseline and unless I actually start seeing signs that something is going on then I'm fine with those female friends.

In regards to finding activities to do. I've actually been in the same position with some autistic guys I dated. I'm a really outgoing and I found the same thing that those guys didn't want to go to loud or crowded places due to the sensory overload. I found that those guys preferred to stay home more and watch TV or play video games. 

Having said that, there are still many activities which aren't going to busy places. Some activities you could do at home are binge watching movies and shows together, cooking together, playing board games, two player video games, doing arts and crafts or assembling models. Giving each other a massage, have a bath, etc. It's actually OK in a relationship to not be constantly doing something exciting. And it's OK even to not be doing something together but just doing your own thing alongside each other. E.g. One person is reading a book and one playing a video game. 

Outside you could go for drives in nature, walks, picnics, hire a row boat on a river, do exercise together. There are also certain places or times of day where it's not as busy. Or you could improvise like get takeaway from a cafe but sit outside or go somewhere quieter to have the food. 

 

[Tinydance]

Can I just point out as well that autistic people can often take things very literally. And can have trouble applying something to other situations. E.g. Let's say you're watching a show where a guy has a female friend and he hid that friend from his girlfriend because he likes her. So in the show they said it was cheating. So the autistic person might take that literally: "Oh I have female friends so I also cheated". Another reason why he might be on his phone a lot is because he said he's bored. I'm not saying it's OK, it's rude to be on his phone all the time. But that doesn't automatically mean he's cheating.

[ShySoul]

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

It's actually OK in a relationship to not be constantly doing something exciting. And it's OK even to not be doing something together but just doing your own thing alongside each other. E.g. One person is reading a book and one playing a video game. 

Being alone together is actually a really great feeling. Even if each is doing something that isn't the most exciting thing possible, it's the simple feeling of knowing the other is there with you that can make you happy and bring you closer. 

Exciting is also a relative term. I'm sure some people would find a jigsaw puzzle or a card and dice game boring. But for me I can get wrapped up in it and get super excited. Anything can be exciting, so just focus on what each of you likes and is exciting for you.

[Cosytoes]

On 7/18/2024 at 11:03 PM, Cosytoes said:

Hi, for the last few months my relationship has not been the same. My boyfriend has autism which does cause issues but i know he can not help this as that is who he is. I feel like he has become so bored with me and the relationship, he told me can we do more things at the weekend rather than just go for walks, go for dinner. I do agree it has become boring but neither of us have the money to splash out and im always the ine that has to make the decision of what/where to go. Ive always suggested places to go that we could find fun, but he always say it would be too loud and stressful for him, i understand this so i try not to mention it and try to do quieter activities. But now hes saying it’s boring. I spoke to him about this explaining, he needs to try to think what he would like to do. My area i live is small and quiet, which he likes but constantly moans there is nothing to do. So i suggest we go to the city where he lives but he hates it as it’s too noisy. I cant seem to get it right or make him happy. This week ive gave up trying and hes become distant with me. 
Another thing that was brought up recently was cheating because we were watching something that talked about emotional cheating or hiding keeping friends that are girls hidden from their girlfriends. He seemed shocked that this was cheating and he went bright red and started to sweat a little. We spoke about cheating when we began dating and I thought he understood. He has been on his phone a lot while we are together and he keeps his phone hidden more. He doesnt call me on the phone as much and he never gives me compliments, tells me he loves me, his did up until 7 months ago. Am i being so paranoid as i do overthink and analyse everything. 
 

I should also add he comments on my weight, I’m not huge and I have not put on weight since I met him, if that I’ve probably lost weight. When I met him he was a little bigger now he has gained muscle and dramatically lost lots of weight. He go “ewww” if he sees me naked. Now I don’t change in front of him. He comments on my skin (I have rosacea) he comment he doesn’t like how I look without make up. Even when I do have makeup he criticises. I’ve always been told by people I’m beautiful, have a good figure. My house is clean apart from leaving a couple of dishes occasionally, he says I’m lazy (I run my own business and work part time)and unclean, he says I’m boring. Everyone says my house is lovely and tidy my friends all mention how immaculate it is. To me it’s not perfect and of course it’s not going to be spotless 100% of the time because it’s lived in. I’m tired of the constant criticism and him telling me all my “flaws”. I’m starting to realise this is becoming an abusive relationship. I mentioned a few weeks back something triggered me that took my back to when I was raped a few years ago (I’ve had therapy but sometimes have low days) he now “mocks” me for it. This is beyond toxic 

[Coily]

18 minutes ago, Cosytoes said:

I should also add he comments on my weight, I’m not huge and I have not put on weight since I met him, if that I’ve probably lost weight. When I met him he was a little bigger now he has gained muscle and dramatically lost lots of weight. He go “ewww” if he sees me naked. Now I don’t change in front of him. He comments on my skin (I have rosacea) he comment he doesn’t like how I look without make up. Even when I do have makeup he criticises. I’ve always been told by people I’m beautiful, have a good figure. My house is clean apart from leaving a couple of dishes occasionally, he says I’m lazy (I run my own business and work part time)and unclean, he says I’m boring. Everyone says my house is lovely and tidy my friends all mention how immaculate it is. To me it’s not perfect and of course it’s not going to be spotless 100% of the time because it’s lived in. I’m tired of the constant criticism and him telling me all my “flaws”. I’m starting to realise this is becoming an abusive relationship. I mentioned a few weeks back something triggered me that took my back to when I was raped a few years ago (I’ve had therapy but sometimes have low days) he now “mocks” me for it. This is beyond toxic 

This paints the relationship in a very different light. What do you see in him that keeps you around for this jerk? You can do much better than this, even single is far better.