A woman who worked with me 20 years ago

[Massari]

Hi All,

This forum was and is my go to since I was in my 20s. Been 20 years or so that I didn’t post anything but here I am again hoping to get some tips:

 

Background info on my situation:

I am going through a nasty separation/Divorce. We got separated 3 months ago and divorce  proceedings are on-going. I am fighting custody for my 3 year old, psycho ex -wife is keeping him away from me.

Mentally and emotionally my ex-wife and I were not intimate anymore for over year. So, with that being said I think I might be ready to touch the waters and start dating.

I am 40 Year old professional, with a good job making 100k a year, busy with work and the little time I have after work I don’t really go out anywhere to meet people.

Naturally I created an account on a POF. I was browsing the profiles and came across someone who looked very familiar.

I messaged her saying she look familiar and she responded back and after a few more messages we found out that her and I used to work at the local grocery store together 20 years ago ! She was a cashier and I was in the dairy section. I am 40 now and she is 38.

This woman is incredibly beautiful, when I was 20 I didn’t approach her because I was intimidated and felt she may be out of league.

FFW to today I am not that guy anymore ( not shy and better confidence) and I don’t think she is out my league! We exchanged messages on POF back and forth and I made a comment that “the reason I was able to recognize her was because she is still as beautiful as she was 20 years ago if not more.” She was flattered and liked the compliment said she is glad that I recognized her and messaged her, and few minutes after, I said i wanted to get to know her better and that we should exchange numbers. 

She has a son now same as my son’s age, and both been through some miserable relationships/marriages in the past. She seems very nice, polite, horrible texter thought to a point where I thought I was being ghosted. She apologized saying that her life gets hectic and she doesn’t check her phone much.

I want to plan something nice together to do next week , since I do not have custody of my son yet I can’t do play dates. So, our first date will probably be just us. I want to take her out next Friday or Saturday, I think this should give us some time to get to know one another for a week before meeting face to face after so many years.

I am having a hard time reading her signals, between long delays in the text message but at the same time not being ghosted, I am not sure what she things. I asked her if she wants to do something next week but then she only messaged back saying “She apologized saying that her life gets hectic, and she doesn’t check her phone much”. but didn't actually answered my questions. She did say she has met lots of A holes after we left the grocery store 20 years ago, so could be that she is being cautious maybe?

 

Sorry for the long post and appreciated the feedback again!

[MissCanuck]

If you asked her if she wants to meet next week and she only answered with this...

7 minutes ago, Massari said:

“She apologized saying that her life gets hectic, and she doesn’t check her phone much”

...then she's not that interested, I'm afraid. A woman who is interested would have followed the above comment with an acknowledgement of your invitation. Since she didn't do so, I wouldn't get ahead of yourself planning anything at this time. 

And a note for the future, kids should never be part of the plans for a first date. Play-dates are not for first dates between two people potentially exploring a romantic interest. 

[Massari]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

If you asked her if she wants to meet next week and she only answered with this...

...then she's not that interested, I'm afraid. A woman who is interested would have followed the above comment with an acknowledgement of your invitation. Since she didn't do so, I wouldn't get ahead of yourself planning anything at this time. 

And a note for the future, kids should never be part of the plans for a first date. Play-dates are not for first dates between two people potentially exploring a romantic interest. 

Thank you MissCanuck, I was thinking the same, no acknowledgement was really what stood out also. About the kids is a great tip, to me it sounded something nice but maybe as you say it's not! appreciate it. 

[TeeDee]

25 minutes ago, Massari said:

I asked her if she wants to do something next week but then she only messaged back saying “She apologized saying that her life gets hectic, and she doesn’t check her phone much”. but didn't actually answered my questions. She did say she has met lots of A holes after we left the grocery store 20 years ago, so could be that she is being cautious maybe?

When you were at the grocery store 20 years ago, texting was just becoming a thing.  It's not her favorite method of communication.  Do not judge the quality of your relationship based on the quantity or frequency of texts.  Try calling her & using the voice feature set up a date. 

Good luck. 

[Massari]

4 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

When you were at the grocery store 20 years ago, texting was just becoming a thing.  It's not her favorite method of communication.  Do not judge the quality of your relationship based on the quantity or frequency of texts.  Try calling her & using the voice feature set up a date. 

Good luck. 

TeDee

Thank you for your advise, deep down I still feel she is interested but hesitant. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that yes maybe texting is not her favorite method and given she is a single mom she has a million other things to do when she gets home. I could randomly just call her and see if she picks up, but I don't want to scare her or creep her out by doing so. I will think about just calling her and speak with her maybe.

It's the uncertainty that is bothering me and I don't want to do anything to ruin it! 

[catfeeder]

Does she know that you are separated and not divorced yet? It could be what's making her hesitant. I think you'll agree that divorce is a crazy time, and it's not exactly a platform of stability for forming a new relationship.

[Massari]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Does she know that you are separated and not divorced yet? It could be what's making her hesitant. I think you'll agree that divorce is a crazy time, and it's not exactly a platform of stability for forming a new relationship.

Oh yes she sure does. Divorce is for sure a rocky ride and a long one but I am taking it step by step day by day. We had a long chat about it and that's when we found out we have more in common then we thought. I am being transparent with her and my situation and the what stage the divorce proceedings are at. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Can you ask her out again? Just to not have a "what if" in the back of your mind. Let her know that you'd really like to take her out somewhere nice to catch up.

Honestly, you have no idea if irl you'd like her now, but it doesn't hurt to give it a full shot. If you do go out, adjust your expectations because you might be romanticizing this.

If she says no, then it is what it is.

[Massari]

9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Can you ask her out again? Just to not have a "what if" in the back of your mind. Let her know that you'd really like to take her out somewhere nice to catch up.

Honestly, you have no idea if irl you'd like her now, but it doesn't hurt to give it a full shot. If you do go out, adjust your expectations because you might be romanticizing this.

If she says no, then it is what it is.

Thank you DarkCh0c0

Honestly I would rather hear a "no" then not a response to my text for half a day and then hearing an apology that "sorry I am not checking my phone".

I sent he a quick text just saying so how is your day going and no response. I am sure if i message again i will get a response, but at this point I don't know if i should ...

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Massari said:

I am going through a nasty separation/Divorce. We got separated 3 months ago and divorce  proceedings are on-going. I am fighting custody for my 3 year old, psycho ex -wife is keeping him away from me

Sure would be nice to have the distraction of new, female companionship to soothe your stress. Frankly, though, IMO it's not fair for any woman to be dating you right now, revelation or not. She doesn't need to be drawn into this drama and have to be listening to all that toxic stuff going on in your life. It's also not fair to your child, who needs your full attention right now without you being distracted by dating. Believe me, since I was divorced and did OLD myself, it's full of frustration, upsets, crazy people, and a lot of failures until or if you are successful. It'd be a miracle if you were successful at the very first try.

And not only should you not introduce your child to any woman you're dating on the first date, this should not even be done well, well past the honeymoon stage, which takes 4 to 6 months, where both parties are confident this will become a serious, longterm relationship. A child doesn't need to become attached to a lady who quickly parades out of his life.

In the time period you're in now, I'd put others well-being before your own desire for romance and wait to date for a more opportune time. That time will be after the divorce is final and you and your ex are co-parenting in a pleasant manner. That might take going to a mediator to each learn how to co-parent in the best interest of the child. When things are rolling along smoothly, you'll then be a prime candidate as a dating prospect and you'll know your schedule for when you'll have your time with your child. In that way, you can know the days you'll be free to devote to a new lady. Nobody will then be subject to the disarray your life and emotions are at the moment. Delaying gratification is hard, but you'll attract, and be attracted to, more mentally healthy prospects when your life has calmed down. Take care.

[Coily]

Depending on what she does for work, she may not be able to respond as quickly, half a day isn't that awfully long. My GF and I both work in places where we don't check until after work hours, it's not a big deal for us; but everyone is different.

I think you need to formulate a more proactive set of plans, so a ask her if she's free for coffee on a evening or weekend. Put the ball firmly in her court to say "Yes, no, or 'Can we do X instead?'" You have nothing to lose in being forward.

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Massari said:

I am going through a nasty separation/Divorce. We got separated 3 months ago and divorce  proceedings are on-going. I am fighting custody for my 3 year old, psycho ex -wife is keeping him away from me.

Mentally and emotionally my ex-wife and I were not intimate anymore for over year. So, with that being said I think I might be ready to touch the waters and start dating.

In my opinion you are not exactly ready to meet people. Just got separated with psycho ex and fighting for custody arent exactly good conditions. Not only that you will project all of that on your dates, but your dates would sense that and treat it as a red flag as soon as they hear about it. Its OK, you decided that its time, but you will have a harder time because of it.

Besides, I dont think this one is particularly interested with how her answers are. But you can ask again if you are that interested to try. But again, from the answers, dont expect too much. She certainly saw that you asked her for a date. She just chose not to reply to that.

 

[Massari]

Thank you all for your input and wise advise, I will not persue this woman for now. If she reaches out ok I will roll with it and see what happens but I won't initiate. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Massari said:

About the kids is a great tip, to me it sounded something nice but maybe as you say it's not!

It would be a nice idea if you had already been dating for a while and were ready to introduce your kids to each other. As a first date, no, it's way too soon to be involving any children. 

10 hours ago, Massari said:

I sent he a quick text just saying so how is your day going and no response

If you also sent this and have had no response, I think you should take the hint and stop messaging her. 

[Massari]

That's exactly what I did, i haven't sent her anymore, figured is she is interested she will response or make initiatives. I was respectful . Ball is in her court. 

[smackie9]

This should be a lesson learned....don't invest so much of yourself that your expectations give you angst. 

[Massari]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This should be a lesson learned....don't invest so much of yourself that your expectations give you angst. 

This is one of my weaknesses, building it up in my mind... when there is really nothing to build on.... I am working on myself. Thank you!

[tattoobunnie]

On 7/18/2024 at 2:59 PM, Massari said:

TeDee

Thank you for your advise, deep down I still feel she is interested but hesitant. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that yes maybe texting is not her favorite method and given she is a single mom she has a million other things to do when she gets home. I could randomly just call her and see if she picks up, but I don't want to scare her or creep her out by doing so. I will think about just calling her and speak with her maybe.

It's the uncertainty that is bothering me and I don't want to do anything to ruin it! 

So she confirms she's a bad texter, and instead of calling, you want to keep texting her.  If this is your go-to on the ledge excuse, and if you think calling a person creeps them out, maybe you aren't ready to date as you think.  

You are in the middle of a custody battle and a divorce.  Focus on your kid.  Unless you have a judgement, she cannot keep you from seeing your kid.

[SooSad33]

On 7/18/2024 at 2:22 PM, Massari said:

She has a son now same as my son’s age, and both been through some miserable relationships/marriages in the past. She seems very nice, polite, horrible texter thought to a point where I thought I was being ghosted. She apologized saying that her life gets hectic and she doesn’t check her phone much.

Sorry, but I do question her stability as well. She already sounds miserable 😕 .

And YOU are freshly out of a long term relationship w/ a toxic ex?  Whoaa, how about ya just slow everything down and work on getting your own self & life in order for a while here, first?

Don't go jumping into the dating scene just because you're lonely.

People really tend to feel 'lost' after a relationship break down and seek out 'comfort'. ( my kids boss is going thru this right now as well... and my neighbour).

This is NOT the way to handle things.  You need to be okay on your own for a while and get your own self back to good.  Hang more with friends & family.  Get into a sport or hobby.  But don't go running into another womans arms when you've just had your marriage end. Because you need to work thru your emotions on your own. 

 

 

[ShySoul]

Hi Massari. I think we probably interacted on here close to 20 years ago. Hope time has treated you well (other then the divorce thing).

She admits to being busy. She is trying to raise a child as basically a single parent. This should be something you of all people can understand better. This doesn't mean she isn't interested. This isn't a reason to abandon all hope. This can actually bring you closer together. Your children are even the same age. You both have gone through a problematic marriage/divorce. Why wouldn't you want to continue putting in the effort? How many other people are you likely to meet who can understand just how that feels?

As for her not texting back immediately, not everyone is a texter. All three of us are about the same age. I have sent two texts in my lifetime. If someone texts me I either ignore it if it wasn't important, or I do the crazy thing and make a phone call. Perhaps she just has a different preferred method of communication. Instead of expecting her to respond when you want and how you want, maybe try to talk with her and figure out the best way to stay in touch? Maybe instead of waiting for a text response, you call her and actually get to hear her voice and talk. Or if she is busy, try setting up a regular time to talk so that you know you will both be available.

If you really like this person, you should be willing to get creative and put in the thought to doing more then texting and waiting for her to make a move. You would find a way around things and to still be in touch. There is no telling where things may go or if it will work out at all. But giving up before you have really begun only guarantees failure.

[Massari]

On 7/24/2024 at 12:33 AM, ShySoul said:

Hi Massari. I think we probably interacted on here close to 20 years ago. Hope time has treated you well (other then the divorce thing).

She admits to being busy. She is trying to raise a child as basically a single parent. This should be something you of all people can understand better. This doesn't mean she isn't interested. This isn't a reason to abandon all hope. This can actually bring you closer together. Your children are even the same age. You both have gone through a problematic marriage/divorce. Why wouldn't you want to continue putting in the effort? How many other people are you likely to meet who can understand just how that feels?

As for her not texting back immediately, not everyone is a texter. All three of us are about the same age. I have sent two texts in my lifetime. If someone texts me I either ignore it if it wasn't important, or I do the crazy thing and make a phone call. Perhaps she just has a different preferred method of communication. Instead of expecting her to respond when you want and how you want, maybe try to talk with her and figure out the best way to stay in touch? Maybe instead of waiting for a text response, you call her and actually get to hear her voice and talk. Or if she is busy, try setting up a regular time to talk so that you know you will both be available.

If you really like this person, you should be willing to get creative and put in the thought to doing more then texting and waiting for her to make a move. You would find a way around things and to still be in touch. There is no telling where things may go or if it will work out at all. But giving up before you have really begun only guarantees failure.

Hi ShySoul, I believe we have interacted before here yes!!! how have you been ?

Life definitely threw some curve balls at us and we're still here, that should a good sign! Divorce from an 8 year relationship/marriage something I never thought would happen to me, but it did and I am dealing with it day by day. 

I am focusing on me, picking up better habits and eliminating some bad ones such as smoking. As others mentioned if she is interested she would show interest! that's where it is now. Being a single parent is tough and I get that fully, I am not expecting her to go out of her way to keep contacts, but a simple acknowledgment would be nice.  

In her profile she mentioned she never been to a comedy show before. This was something I always wanted to do also but never did! I was doing some digging to see if any good comedians that I like (Kevin Heart, Bill Burr, Tom Papa.. etc.) will be having shows in Toronto. I found Kevin Heart for September show (tickets were not cheap, $150 each) Which I am ok to treat her and get the tickets if she is interested. I did not mentioned tickets or anything, just made the suggestion to see if she likes it. 

I asked her if she likes Kevin Heart as a comedian. But i got no response. that was my last attempt to plan something for us to go to for future. I have not heard back from her, but if she was interested she would react and affirm this. 

At this time I assume that the spark is gone for her and if she is interested she will reach out to me. I am thinking if I should even bother calling? it's been more then a week. ( I am a little scare of calling without hear anything back from her) tbh.