Am I in a relationship or am I raising a child?

[CodyA]

I've been in a gay relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years by now. I love him dearly, and I am not putting this into question with what I am about to write.

My boyfriend has always been a bit on the lazier side. I've always found it rather endearing, to be honest, but over the past year or so, it's gotten extreme.
At the age of 24, I have a steady job that gives us enough income for a small apartment.
He is 20yo, and he's jobless, and has been so ever since graduating from school.
In return, he is rather eager to do chores and keep track of general tasks at home that I have little time for.

But he is quite bad at that. And I am starting to suspect more and more that it's intentional.
First he's eager to do sth like wash the dishes, then again and again he breaks some stuff or doesn't wash them properly, and then I have to take care of it. It's like he wants me to take care of it altogether without owning up to his laziness.

By now I do most of the chores at home while he spends his day on the couch, in the always same (and often unwashed...) sweatsuit, playing video games and eating snacks. He's starting to play dumb with so many things I ask him to do. And his sedentary habits and frankly increased snacking have even left their mark on his body. I'm sure he's put on a good 20kg at least in the past 6 months, and it's not like he was skinny before that.

It's not that he isn't loving or caring or understanding, because he really is. But he is also awfully lazy to a degree I struggle to still find endearing. Maybe that's what I get for having gotten together with him when he was 18 still and in school... while I was already a working adult.

And I honestly doubt he's doing it all too consciously. It feels much more like he's never left teenagehood behind with a mother who does everything for him. Except that mother is now a 24yo man he's in a relationship with. I love him, I truly do, and that's why I really don't want to throw this relationship away, but fix it. But idk how. Every time I approach him, he apologizes sweetly and promises to do better - we work out solutions for how he can do chores in a better way, but these only work out for two weeks maximum before he falls back into old habits. It's hard not to spoil him, but I am noticing more and more the consequences of doing so.

[Andrina]

Love doesn't conquer all. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions in life you'll ever make. If your brain and heart aren't working in conjunction, both saying yes, you're in the wrong relationship.

Life is expensive, so I believe choosing a partner with a good work ethic is paramount. Being in the work force is also tiring so you'll want a partner who pulls his weight with chores.

The bad far outweighs the good, so you'll have to love yourself more and do what's best for yourself. He doesn't have your back so why sacrifice your one precious life on the planet for for someone who's ONLY good trait is speaking in a sweet manner? Isn't that called settling?

[itsallgrand]

It's not something you can fix, I'm sorry. It has to do with his developmental stage and that is something that can only be changed with time and effort on his part to want to be more self sufficient. Basically he has growing up to do. All you can do is not enable him to stay stuck in being comfortable coasting off your hard work. What he does from there is up to him. 

 

[smackie9]

I think he needs to go back home to his parents...that will give him some time to grow up. You can do better than this. 

[Cherylyn]

You're raising a child.  ☹️

[Batya33]

Agree with the others. I found it odd that you found it endearing that he doesn't want to work and lacks a work ethic even for housework.

[catfeeder]

I'd sit down to dinner and explain that he'll have until the end of next month to either land a job and contribute a negotiated amount toward rent and expenses, or he'll need to move out. Whether he'd choose to move in with his parents or find another housing situation is up to him. 

You're not doing him any favors by enabling his failure to launch.

[CodyA]

7 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

All you can do is not enable him to stay stuck in being comfortable coasting off your hard work. What he does from there is up to him.

But leaving him behind like that over this... I don't know if I could take that emotionally. Whether I wouldn't constantly beat myself up over that.

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I found it odd that you found it endearing that he doesn't want to work and lacks a work ethic even for housework.

Well, it wasn't so much that than the fact that he started off being lazy more in a jokingly lazy way, or a way that made me wanna take care of him.

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd sit down to dinner and explain that he'll have until the end of next month to either land a job and contribute a negotiated amount toward rent and expenses, or he'll need to move out.

I mean... it does sound reasonable. Apart from the issue of me feeling guilty over things like these, I also feel like I am not confrontative enough to set such a kind of ultimatum. How would I even go about preparing for this emotionally? The moment I set this... truly rather abrupt ultimatum, he'll feel super hurt and betrayed.

[Batya33]

It's not caring in a relationship to play the role of caregiver for someone who doesn't need that care from a fellow adult.  Did you like the powerful feeling or feeling "needed?"

No need to confront.  Simple and direct with I statements.  "I am no longer comfortable with our living arrangement.  I'm not comfortable being the financial provider since you are capable of working.  If you want to keep living here I will need X amount towards rent and X towards expenses -here I figured it out (show him your spreadsheet or whatever)

Has he cared about hurting your finances and taking advantage of you?
 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, CodyA said:

But leaving him behind like that over this... I don't know if I could take that emotionally. Whether I wouldn't constantly beat myself up over that.

Well, it wasn't so much that than the fact that he started off being lazy more in a jokingly lazy way, or a way that made me wanna take care of him.

I mean... it does sound reasonable. Apart from the issue of me feeling guilty over things like these, I also feel like I am not confrontative enough to set such a kind of ultimatum. How would I even go about preparing for this emotionally? The moment I set this... truly rather abrupt ultimatum, he'll feel super hurt and betrayed.

You're both grown adults. It's of no service to BF for you to treat him like an adolescent child.

If you want to allow yourself to be manipulated by BF's agenda to freeload, then that's on you. It's serving your own fears, and it's harming the BF's development into adulthood.

[rainbowsandroses]

Hello @CodyA I have somewhat of a different take on this. 

My sense from reading your posts is that his childlike and innocent nature, which naturally includes wanting to be taken care of by "mom" appeals to you at least on some level.   Can't have one without the other, the two go hand-in-hand in the majority of relationships.

Otherwise, you'd be open to and setting some boundaries and it he refused to comply, wishing him well and walking away.  This is what most people do when faced with unacceptable (to them) behaviors from a partner.

But you're unable to do that, that is obvious.  Your reasons are it would be too emotionally difficult for YOU and you can't envision ever recovering from the guilt you would feel from, in your words, "hurting and betraying him."

That's pretty powerful and from what I gather override any feelings of annoyance and frustration you're feeling from his "laziness."  Just the sense I get from reading all your posts.

In truth, you would actually be doing him a favor because lord forbid something happens to you (his "mommy") he won't know what the HELL to do.

But I am not here to judge, we are all drawn to different types of people for whatever reasons even IF those reasons would be unacceptable to others.

There is always couple's counseling but barring that why not take the good with the bad and enjoy the relationship and HIM for what IT is and HE is, not what you want them to be. 

In other words, accept or reject.  He is who he is.  He gives what he has in him to give and desires to give. 

Enjoy the positives he brings to the table - his childlike and innocent nature (which you mentioned you find quite appealing) and how that plays into your own sense of self and how it makes you feel as a man.

If that includes cleaning up after him and supporting him, so be.  It's not that much different from hetero relationships where the woman has certain qualities a man finds appealing and will overlook the negative qualities and cover her slack.  But he's getting what he wants (they both are whatever that may be) so all is well.

You won't change him, so why even try assuming you plan to stay which I sense you do.

All the best whatever you decide.

P.S.  Have you considered hiring a housekeeper?   Just a thought.😆

 

 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all I actually don't think that even the fact you began dating an 18-year-old in school is actually an excuse to do absolutely nothing in his life. Many high school students also have a side job working, something like waitressing, McDonald's, whatever. So they are both studying AND working.

Also not all high school students are messy and lazy and just sit on the couch all day. I remember going to some friends' houses in high school and their room was neat and clean. Unfortunately I think age in itself isn't necessarily a problem. But it's the person's personality and attitude. And I don't think I need to tell you that your boyfriend's attitude is really bad.

I'm not really sure why you were OK with the relationship dynamics that you work and your boyfriend is a "housewife". You aren't married and you don't have any kids. Seems a bit odd that two young men in their early 20's would want this set up. Personally I think you should want more in a partner. I actually believe even in a straight couple that both the man and woman should work equally. But in this case since you're even both the same gender then why should it be you taking care of him?

And what makes that worse is that he actually doesn't take care of you at all. Taking care of you would be you arriving home to a clean house, a home cooked meal, and so on. And what are you arriving home to? A boyfriend in dirty clothes sitting on the couch and a pile of dirty dishes.

Unfortunately your boyfriend isn't actually a child. So you can't mother him or change him. But he's definitely a man child. Personally I would just end the relationship.

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, CodyA said:

leaving him behind like that over this

Leaving him behind like what? A spoiled child? 

Stop enabling him. You are just as much a part of the problem as he is. You are unhappy but also unwilling to really lay down firm boundaries. 

You can't have it both ways, man. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Leaving him behind like what? A spoiled child? 

Stop enabling him. You are just as much a part of the problem as he is. You are unhappy but also unwilling to really lay down firm boundaries. 

You can't have it both ways, man. 

Same and I agree with Catfeeder.  Also you're not raising a child in a good way anyway -when you are a parent I would not take the approach you are taking.  For sure a young child and baby and yes even teenagers do need to be taken care of in an age appropriate way but if you are ever a parent the goal is to have your child be resilient and independent not dependent on you for all needs -again age appropriate.

And yes at 22 I was a new college grad, worked full time and yes lived with my parents still -at that point my full time teacher salary didn't cover rent.  But I made my own food, paid for my own entertainment and had a serious boyfriend who worked full time.  He would have stopped dating me if I all of a sudden said I wasn't working anymore (and my parents would not have let me stay I bet in their home if I wasn't working/wasn't working towards being on my own -because -they were good parents and loved me and supported my work ethic, education goals, etc).