Why do I still feel sorry for this person?

[AA1994]

I will list out things I encountered with her, I feel like I’m emotionally drained and just wanted clarity. 

1 - Started talking sexual within the first day or two of speaking. “Addicted to porn” was the thing she said which i thought was odd for a woman to say so soon.

2.caught her texting to an ex while at my house. His message said “we should stop speaking now you have a partner” she said they are just friends

3.never knew where i stood, some days would fly off the handle at any little thing, it could be as simple as me saying I had an headache. Would start calling me negative etc

4.would repeatedly call me insecure and that i always accuse her, although she was exactly that. I recall one day she told me never to speak to her again because she saw i wasnt at home on the location sharing. I was at my daughters dance show. She never even apologised for that.

5.constantly had to have her phone in her hand looking at herself pouting through the camera, not even taking selfies just with the camera open. Im talking 30/40 times a day.

6.caught her messaging the "main" ex on three occasions. On and off 6/7 years but tells me how abusive he was etc and that she has no interest in him just wanted to know why he keeps calling on no called ID etc. Was bull***

7.told me he stalks her and drives past her house and calls and emails, which to be fair was also true. However she unblocked and messaged numerous times and the 3rd time i made her go home and didnt speak to her the next day until i got a message…..

8.after ignoring her she sent me a printscreen of her on the phone to the police, she was reporting him for stalking. I foolishly believed her and went to the police station with her

9.just 2 week later i stayed at her house and found a condom wrapper in her drawer that was still oily, i asked her civilised when it was from and she went absolutely crazy and called me out for “accusing again” i went home and she blocked me after failing to get a response from me

10.that night i went through to her house to find her ex was there and theyve decided to get back together. Despite both families trying to stop it as being “toxic” his family also warned me away during the relationship calling her “poison”

11.i have her now blocked but everything was blamed on me. Repeatedly telling me she never cheated but how the accusations forced her into this situation. Also saying she feels like killing herself?

I recall other situations too, telling me "eurgh ive never seen you this up close before" made me feel like ***. She once punched me three times at full force in the arm too over a stupid joke and she laughed it off when i told her never to do that again. She also has my house key but say's she no longer has it. I have message proof that she does, why is she doing this? Why do i still miss this person?

[Batya33]

Because there is something within you that feels you deserve to be harassed and abused.  Somehow it feels familiar to you and I am not a professional I am also just an internet stranger. I'm sorry you chose to interact with this person at all.  Were you interested in sexting with someone and then for some reason chose to interact about other things? Are you in therapy or would you consider speaking with a professional so you don't continue to choose to put yourself in harm's way?

Also I'd change the house locks.

[AA1994]

I don't think its that. I was left by my childrens mother of 10 years in January, she was a good person though. I wanted to start dating, I don't know what her thoughts was at the start but she messaged me first. She met my kids which when infront of them was perfect. I just feel like an idiot, telling me she loved me more than she had ever loved anyone and stuff. Sending me links to engagement rings etc, ridiculous now i think about it but I was vulnerable and stupid.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AA1994 said:

I don't think its that. I was left by my childrens mother of 10 years in January, she was a good person though. I wanted to start dating, I don't know what her thoughts was at the start but she messaged me first. She met my kids which when infront of them was perfect. I just feel like an idiot, telling me she loved me more than she had ever loved anyone and stuff. Sending me links to engagement rings etc, ridiculous now i think about it but I was vulnerable and stupid.

I would stop the beating yourself up and if you want to date with a potentially serious goal I'd cut off all communication if it turns sexual right away and obviously with all the disturbing info she told you up front.  You're not stupid - and I would seek out therapy or good books on appropriate boundaries especially since this affects the safety of  your children.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, AA1994 said:

why is she doing this?

Because she is cray- cray full of red flags. And you stucked your D in cray- cray. Never do that. 

1 hour ago, AA1994 said:

Why do i still miss this person?

Because she is probably hot and crazy and sex was great. And you are "needy" after divorce for some love so you thought you scored a loto ticket. You did. But your ticket will get you only to restraining order lol

Change your locks and pray she forgets about you and find somebody else to spread her toxicity. Otherwise, she will probably go after you, as she did to her ex.

[AA1994]

Hahahaha you know what, you are probably bang on with all of that. 

[smackie9]

well at least you got your head cleared, and saw what happened. There are people who seek out vulnerable people to manipulate. You got bamboozled. It happens. I hope you find happiness and peace. 

[yogacat]

She triggered your hero complex to the point of you seeking to protect her.

It's a great trait in a good relationship. In a bad one, it is self-destructive. 

Your persona of being too emotionally available to her dropped the intellectual part and so you enter a loop of nearly catatonic stupidity.

It was as if you gave control of your mind to her to do as she wishes. That part didn't have the fortitude to be even slightly questioned to the extent that it added hot sex as a value to bargain your own emotional wellbeing for.

I think they refer to it as "simp."

You feel sorry for this person because you have been emotionally manipulated and abused by her. She played on your empathy and your desire to protect and help her, causing you to ignore red flags and stay in the relationship longer than you should have.

[catfeeder]

Healing through grief is really hard, and lots of newly divorced people reach for distractions instead, long before they've stabilized solo. Those reaches are often fun and crazy, but those blow up quickly. So after the crash and burn, you're left dealing with the grieving and healing you never wanted to complete in the first place.

How will you know when you've stabilized solo? You'll have a clear head and make better decisions.

Head high, we all learn through living.

[ShySoul]

Because a person like this should be felt sorry for. And because you are a good person who saw something in her no one else, including herself, could see.

That is not sorry meaning you should forgive and excuse her behavior. That is sorry as in feeling bad for her that she has chosen to live her life in this manner. It's recognizing that as long as she continues like this, her life will be a chaotic mess that can never be fully satisfying or lead to lasting happiness. Of course you should separate yourself from the situation so that it doesn't do you more harm. But a sorry person who behaves in a sorry manner, deserves to be viewed with pity. When you think about it, it's kind of sad someone would behave that way and will have to go through life miserable and insecure.

 Don't blame yourself for her many shortcomings. Don't think you were a bad person for wanting to believe in her. All the patience, understanding and willingness to help you displayed are good qualities that you should hold onto. You will make the right woman, a much better and stable woman, very happy. 

[Tanzi]

She said what now? She punched you? 

Why would you want a woman like this in your life when you have a daughter? She’s hardly a role model is she? 

You can do better than this. You should want better than this.  Change your locks and be thankful that she is someone else’s problem now.

[SooSad33]

I say its a form of Trauma bonded.

And YOU got yourself all stuck up in it 😕 blah.

What you need to do is re read all you've mentioned here. See with your own eyes just how TOXIC she is and why people need to steer clear of this kind of people! 

Manipulating, lying, cheating, drama.. etc etc.  Nope, I be long gone of that bs!

We only have so much energy. mental & emotional energy gets drained plus they can damage you in other ways ( instill fears etc). 

Just avoid totally forever!  Do NOT play head games with people like this.

[AA1994]

7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I say its a form of Trauma bonded.

And YOU got yourself all stuck up in it 😕 blah.

What you need to do is re read all you've mentioned here. See with your own eyes just how TOXIC she is and why people need to steer clear of this kind of people! 

Manipulating, lying, cheating, drama.. etc etc.  Nope, I be long gone of that bs!

We only have so much energy. mental & emotional energy gets drained plus they can damage you in other ways ( instill fears etc). 

Just avoid totally forever!  Do NOT play head games with people like this.

You mean trauma bond between herself and her ex? It seems to be a constant cycle that they find themselves in, not sure why i thought i would be the one to break it. 

[AA1994]

On 7/21/2024 at 5:42 AM, ShySoul said:

Because a person like this should be felt sorry for. And because you are a good person who saw something in her no one else, including herself, could see.

That is not sorry meaning you should forgive and excuse her behavior. That is sorry as in feeling bad for her that she has chosen to live her life in this manner. It's recognizing that as long as she continues like this, her life will be a chaotic mess that can never be fully satisfying or lead to lasting happiness. Of course you should separate yourself from the situation so that it doesn't do you more harm. But a sorry person who behaves in a sorry manner, deserves to be viewed with pity. When you think about it, it's kind of sad someone would behave that way and will have to go through life miserable and insecure.

 Don't blame yourself for her many shortcomings. Don't think you were a bad person for wanting to believe in her. All the patience, understanding and willingness to help you displayed are good qualities that you should hold onto. You will make the right woman, a much better and stable woman, very happy. 

That's how I feel I think and a good way to put it. I feel bad that she is always going to live like this until she takes accountability and becomes a better person. She is very caring towards her patients at work and children and things like that, I know she has it in her. Anyway not really my problem is it, just at the minute its all a bit raw for me.

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, AA1994 said:

That's how I feel I think and a good way to put it. I feel bad that she is always going to live like this until she takes accountability and becomes a better person. She is very caring towards her patients at work and children and things like that, I know she has it in her. Anyway not really my problem is it, just at the minute its all a bit raw for me.

You have no idea if it is always, two years or two days - you don't know her anymore in any relevant way. You dated her for 4 months and she was abusive towards you. We all have a ton of stuff in us and it's on us to take that stuff and implement in the real world.  I'm sorry you are struggling -it's a shock when this sort of thing happens.  

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/18/2024 at 4:17 AM, Kwothe28 said:

Because she is cray- cray full of red flags. And you stucked your D in cray- cray. Never do that. 

Because she is probably hot and crazy and sex was great. And you are "needy" after divorce for some love so you thought you scored a loto ticket. You did. But your ticket will get you only to restraining order lol

Change your locks and pray she forgets about you and find somebody else to spread her toxicity. Otherwise, she will probably go after you, as she did to her ex.

^^100%. 

I also think it's OK to feel sorry for her, it means you're a compassionate person and she IS a very sad toxic mess of a person right now and most likely will be until she takes accountability and gets herself some professional help (as you said). 

As long as you don't allow your compassion to override your sensibilities, staying as far away from her as you can, physically and emotionally, you should be fine. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, AA1994 said:

You mean trauma bond between herself and her ex? It seems to be a constant cycle that they find themselves in, not sure why i thought i would be the one to break it. 

No, I kinda meant YOU, being trauma bonded.

You admitted you miss her.  Yet, you know how she is .. really messed up!

Can I ask just how long you were involved with this woman, for her to have your keys?  Let this be a lesson for you to THINK long & hard before you hand over/ share personal stuff. eg. keys 😉 

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, AA1994 said:

That's how I feel I think and a good way to put it. I feel bad that she is always going to live like this until she takes accountability and becomes a better person. She is very caring towards her patients at work and children and things like that, I know she has it in her. Anyway not really my problem is it, just at the minute its all a bit raw for me.

I went through the same feelings with someone, although she wasn't nearly as messed up as your woman. I wanted to be the one to help those good qualities shine. But eventually I saw I had did all I could and that she wasn't ready to go the rest of the way herself. It stung and was raw for awhile. But I got through it, just as you will.

You'll be okay, just try to put this in the past. Better is out there and it will come to you eventually.