Minds spiralling- Boyfriend adding strangers he meets when out

[Stranger333]

Just want some perspectives:

My boyfriend went to a pub with his brother to watch the euros final, where they both met a girl and were hanging out with her and getting to know each-other, and then exchanged instagrams before leaving. Both my boyfriend (obviously) and his brother have girlfriends.

Then on their way home, they were asking for directions, and the girl they asked they recognised her being from the pub, and started making conversation with her, and she travelled with them by tube for a few stops, and my boyfriend asked for her instagram before she left to keep in touch, his brother didn’t add her. He later told me that because of her ethnicity, and his good friend looking for a wife of the same ethnicity, he thought this girl could be “wife material” for him. He didend up showing his friend photos of her, and his friend wasn’t interested. But that in itself really got to me, the fact he thought she was attractive or had wife qualities…worthy enough for his good friend. 

I’m okay with my boyfriend making conversation with people whilst he’s out in public, it’s only natural, but I’m for some reason really bothered by him taking it a step further to giving out his instagram to these women. 

Few hours later/ the next day, he messages them telling them it was nice to meet them and asking if they got home okay, and then starts a conversation basically. 

This is really bothering me. I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable for being upset by this, as my boyfriend didn’t think this would bother me. 

He’s abroad for work at the moment, so I haven’t really had a chance to properly speak through my feelings with him about this, but he’s since just stopped responding to them, by has kept them on instagram. 
 

Part of me feels controlling and another feels like surely no other girl would be okay with their man giving out his contact details so openly to random women he meets? 
 

I don’t want him to feel trapped or controlled, and I’m afraid of doing this, but I also don’t want to feel this bothered.. any takes on this? Suggestions on how to handle this situation? 

 

 

[ShySoul]

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you stop meeting new people or making new friends, including those of the opposite sex. If you get along well with someone and want to be able to reach them, then that should be your right. 

That doesn't mean they are attracted to the person or have any thought of something happening. They might have been thinking about setting them up with a friend, as in your case. They might have a hobby in common and want to exchange information so they can share information on that. Maybe one has a lead on a job opportunity. Or maybe they simple had fun and want to stay in touch as platonic friends. There are plenty of innocent explanations.

He seems like a friendly person, that's all. If he has stopped responding to them, then you really have nothing to worry about.

However, if it bothered you, then talk to him. If you feel a certain way, there is a reason and its ok to feel it. Let him know. Don't come out accusing him or telling him what to do. Simply explain you were uncomfortable and why. Most likely he'll reassure you it was nothing. That reassurance will probably calm your mind. If not, work together and compromise to figure out an arrangement that is good for both of you.

[MissCanuck]

He met a random woman for a few minutes and thought she might be wife material for his buddy based solely on her ethnicity? Right. 

I generally have no problem with men and women being friends. I have a few very good male friends myself, totally platonic. What would concern me is he barely knows these women and he's trying to start up convserations with them via social media. I also wonder how you know all of this: 

4 hours ago, Stranger333 said:

Few hours later/ the next day, he messages them telling them it was nice to meet them and asking if they got home okay, and then starts a conversation basically. 

Did he tell you this, or do you have access to his DMs and snooped? 

[Kwothe28]

Did he told you all of that or you snooped and find out? It seems “fishy” but if he fooled around I dont believe he would have told you anything. Because he wouldnt want you to know or be suspicious. 

So that is why I ask if you snooped around for all this information or he willingly gave it to you. If you are not OK with it, I think its OK to tell him that and that it makes you uncomfortable and to set up the line in the sand. But then you would run the risk of him just not reporting this kind of stuff with you. It does seem suspicious from the point they shared a cab(I guess thats what “tube” means, some kind of “uber”? Or maybe “tube” like a metro?) and that he not only took information about her but also reached out next day. So its up to you whether you want to believe something like that or if there was something more. 

[poorlittlefish]

@Kwothe28 The tube is what we call the London Underground - metro to you. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't like the continued convo.  If I meet a man out and about (I am married) the most I would do is add him to my Linkedin -if his job was compatible with mine-it was a good addition to my network.  I also match people up and have for over 40 years so if I felt that way I'd make it clear to the person either at the time or in my first message and  then if it didn't work out I'd unfollow or remove depending on what was appropriate. But I know I wouldn't continue a conversation unless it was specifically related to professional reasons.  My sense is he did think of his friend but then later thought he liked getting to know her -which is a bit inconsistent with being in a committed relationship given how they met.  I have male platonic friends.

My husband has female platonic friends.  We both have many acquaintances of the opposite gender but I know if we met someone random - not through work or mutual friends of opposite gender we wouldn't behave in the way described unless the other person was comfortable with it -like if  you heard about her and really wanted to meet her because of stuff in common.  I'd be delighted if my husband met a woman at a sporting event and discovered that she and I had a lot in common and asked if I wanted to meet her. I'd do the same for my husband -but then -I'd connect them -and be out of the loop so to speak. 

I met a random man years ago when our kids were playing together at a museum playroom. HIs mom was there too.  We had a lot in common.  In another life he and I would have been personal friends I bet -but I am married, so is he so when we decided to stay in touch so our kids could stay in touch -he gave me his linkedin maybe or some youtube link. 

But instead I searched up his wife on FB, messaged her, explained that our kids had met that day etc and since then - around 7 years ago -the only  time I think I've texted with her husband individually is to set up a time for our kids to meet.  And I had a lot in common with him -maybe even more than the wife who is now my friend -but it was not worth even the appearance of impropriety for anyone involved. 

That is how I set boundaries and it works for me.  I had exactly the same situation with another random dad at the same museum and he and I did text a little more but again in the context of our kids meeting up.  

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

@Kwothe28 The tube is what we call the London Underground - metro to you. 

Ah Ok, English thing. That explains being invested into EURO Final and women being there too. You rarely see that unless your team is playing

[Stranger333]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He met a random woman for a few minutes and thought she might be wife material for his buddy based solely on her ethnicity? Right. 

I generally have no problem with men and women being friends. I have a few very good male friends myself, totally platonic. What would concern me is he barely knows these women and he's trying to start up convserations with them via social media. I also wonder how you know all of this: 

Did he tell you this, or do you have access to his DMs and snooped? 

yeah the whole wife material thing made me feel very uneasy, it wasn’t just her ethnicity but he thought his friend would find her attractive, which obviously means he did to some degree, and that she seemed like good vibes. It bothers me because I feel him wanting to try set his friend up with her was also him thinking those things of her. His friend made it clear he wasn’t interested, but he proceeded to talk to her after that.

We are logged in to each other’s Instagrams on our phones, and also use each other’s phones freely. I got a notification when the girls responded, and that’s when I questioned him about it.

 

[Stranger333]

Thanks everyone for the responses, I appreciate it 😊

But yeah because I know he wasn’t doing this behind my back and knew I’d get notifications, I don’t think it was anything more, but I can’t help the fact that it bothers me. 
 

I want to set some sort of boundary before he starts thinking this is something I’m okay with in a relationship, but I want him to understand where I’m coming from. It feels weird to me that my boyfriend gives his contact details so easily to women he’s just met at pubs, he was drinking and I know he was somewhat tipsy when he asked them. The night before me and his had gone out to a bar, after my birthday dinner, and some guy started talking to him, just asking him how his night was going etc, and they were just having casual banter, lasted about 5 minutes and then the guy carried on dancing with his group and my boyfriend with me, saying it was nice to meet you have a good night. 
At no point did they exchange contact details, I don’t know, I just don’t understand the need for him doing that with these two women. 
 

I tried to talk to him about it but it was very brief, due to him being busy preparing to go abroad etc, but I always flip it and ask if he would be okay if I did the same, he said well I know how guys are, and if you were out and some guy asked you or vice versa, then the guy most likely would be hitting on you or thinking you’re interested, saying that most guys are like this and that these girls aren’t..

it’s just that I KNOW he wouldn’t like it if I did the same, and I never would because I would feel uncomfortable in that situation and feel as though I’m giving off single vibes.

He’s back from working abroad tomorrow, and I just want to get my mind straight about this so I can have a conversation with him having thought things out. But I’m not sure how to approach it with coming across accusing, because I already know he wouldn’t be okay if I was going around doing the same. 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

40 minutes ago, Stranger333 said:

We are logged in to each other’s Instagrams on our phones, and also use each other’s phones freely

Can I ask why?

[Andrina]

21 minutes ago, Stranger333 said:

But I’m not sure how to approach it with coming across accusing, because I already know he wouldn’t be okay if I was going around doing the same. 

Best to establish if two people are on the same page about relationship boundaries before becoming exclusive, but apparently this is one thing that wasn't thought of back when you either assumed or discussed other boundaries. Better late than never. I'd say something like: For me to feel comfortable in this relationship, when it comes to the opposite sex, I'd like for there to be a rule against exchanging contact info with strangers and brand new acquaintances. If you feel there are exceptions, you can discuss them with me when that arises.

A person can't argue about how you feel. If he values keeping in touch with strangers over you being uncomfortable, then he doesn't care for you as much as you care for him. Never sacrifice your happiness in romance when a partner doesn't share your boundaries. I hope he comes through for you.

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.  I've witnessed family parties where my relatives accepted instant social media friends despite not knowing guests which always struck me as odd behavior not to mention rather risky but that's them and not me.  Whatever floats their boat.  However,  if it were my husband picking up so-called social media friends without knowing them,  it's weird and he doesn't anyway so no worries there.  I myself don't do it.  My husband and I don't do anything out of whack in general but I see it all around me with relatives and in-laws.  They can do whatever they want as long as it does not involve us.  I'm fine with whatever THEY do. 

It's about mutual agreements and exercising discretion. 

[Coily]

Another moment of social media sewing the seeds of discontent in a relationship.

I'll throw out some different thoughts as I don't see this as being nearly as bad, I know, but men will try to help  friends find a good, attractive woman as some are willing to make this out.

Lets start with fact that they (all three of them) were hanging out watching soccer finals. Lots of people with similar passions will form quick friendships while watching a big game like that. People tend to bond in moments where there is a lot of positively charged emotions. I remember becoming friends with a father and daughter back during Hockey finals where I live, seats were beside each other, we all went out after the games to celebrate or commiserate. There was nothing untoward and I hadn't met them prior, and we were friendly until I moved.

Now throw in traveling back from watching the game, if she got off at a sketchy neighborhood; it would be a gentlemanly thing to find out if she had made it home safely. Done that a few times myself; not out of interest, but genuine concern in a circumstance or two.

On to the final and possibly the most positive one; if your BF is looking out for his friend; of course one man will lookout for "potential wife material" for his friend. Shocking I know, but men will try to help  friends find a good woman, who is also attractive (you know, just like women do too). Men don't want their friends to marry the ugly woman, the harpy, or the mean girl.

There are also types who have never met a stranger, both men and women. it's how they are wired, a very good friend of mine will make fast friends with just about anyone; even someone we have just met while on a group camping trip. Just the way he is, and he'll invite them along for what ever is happening next, sometimes without thinking it through. He would bring home stray people to his home, he was that big hearted of a guy.

Do all of these apply? Don't know I wasn't there, but having more opinions over echo chambers will help you, think this through.

It's good to have boundaries, but they have to be reasonable and mutually reached. In your discussion try to avoid making it just about this one woman, make the discussion broad; otherwise you will come across as unfairly controlling. Find a way to work as a team, not a "my way or the highway."

[catfeeder]

How long have you been with him, and how did you meet him? Did he connect with you the same way as these women?

[ShySoul]

On 7/18/2024 at 4:35 AM, Stranger333 said:

it wasn’t just her ethnicity but he thought his friend would find her attractive, which obviously means he did to some degree, and that she seemed like good vibes. It bothers me because I feel him wanting to try set his friend up with her was also him thinking those things of her.

Not necessarily. Two people can be friends and still have very different tastes when it comes to physical attraction. I might meet someone and think this person looks like someone a friend would go for, but have no attraction myself. Same thing goes for any other quality. 

For a lot of people exchanging social media is causal and spur of the moment. There probably is little thought put into it and can be rather random. Most likely there the only thing they are thinking is "cool conversation, nice person, lets connect." And many of those connections are surface level and can fade pretty quickly.

On 7/18/2024 at 10:10 AM, Coily said:

In your discussion try to avoid making it just about this one woman, make the discussion broad; otherwise you will come across as unfairly controlling. Find a way to work as a team, not a "my way or the highway."

Precisely. Also try not to turn it around on him. People don't tend to like being put on the spot and or told how they would behave. It tends to make them defensive and more likely to dig into their position rather then be open to working together. 

Just be honest. Say you were uncomfortable with him giving the information to women he barely knew. Explain how it made you feel. Try to be understanding and let him know you didn't think he was up to anything (assuming that is what you felt), but that it still bothered you. That's not controlling, it's sharing how his actions made you feel. A loving partner should understand and want to work it out so that neither of you feels bad.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/18/2024 at 4:35 AM, Stranger333 said:

I feel him wanting to try set his friend up with her was also him thinking those things of her. His friend made it clear he wasn’t interested, but he proceeded to talk to her after that.

^Bolded - You mean that HE found her attractive?  Gasp, how horrible of him to find another woman attractive? lol

I am half teasing and half serious, my response is so what if he found her attractive?  Attractive enough that he wanted to fix her up with his friend.

Do you honestly believe/expect your boyfriend shouldn't find any other women attractive for the rest of his life or as long as he's dating you?  If so, that is an unrealistic expectation, get rid.

That said, it's the part about him continuing to talk to her after his friend said he wasn't interested that would bug me.  This suggests (to me), it's more than he simply finds her attractive, he wants to keep in touch with her, to continue their communique, and I highly doubt it's because he's looking for another "friend" or because they share the same hobby or whatever.   

Common sense really.  As my late mom used to say "use your noodle" (your brain).   It doesn't add up and I don't buy that for one second!  And I suspect YOU don't either, hence this thread.

I don't know how long you've been dating but if it's less than 3-6 months, if me I'd just walk.  Right or wrong I find his behavior HIGHLY sus, and given the early stages are for observing to determine if someone is the right fit for you (he should be doing same), yeah I would walk.

If it's a long term relationship, then have a conversation and let him know your feelings, calmly and rationally.  Gauge his response.  If he gets defensive and dismisses your feelings and/or tells you "you're too sensitive or insecure," or "you're imagining things," or the ever so popular "don't you trust me"?

That is your que to wish him well and walk!  No matter how intoxicating the chemistry.

Remember to always choose wisely from the get go and avoid disappointment, hurt and heartbreak later.

In the past, I used to let this stuff roll off and got hurt in the end.  I learned my lesson.

Listen to your gut (that little voice) and utilize common sense.

And choose wisely.  That's on YOU.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/17/2024 at 7:13 PM, Stranger333 said:

I’m okay with my boyfriend making conversation with people whilst he’s out in public, it’s only natural, but I’m for some reason really bothered by him taking it a step further to giving out his instagram to these women. 

Yeah bolded, this is what single men do when out on the prowl, lol.  They initiate convos with random women and exchange Instagrams.

Is it safe to assume you have discussed exclusivity?  If so, to me it's common sense that someone (man or woman) in an exclusive RL doesn't exchange IGs with randoms.

Again, this is what single people do!

I dunno for me, it's not my job to teach a man how to be behave while in an exclusive relationship with me.  Either he knows how to behave or he doesn't.  Which means NOT acting like he's single exchanging IG with random women he meets one night a pub or on the street or wherever.  

If it's a work/job event, exchange business cards.  NOT IGs.  Lord.

I also don't buy that he's not communicating with her.  

I dunno the whole thing sounds suspect.

For me it would be a next.  I don't mess around with this * anymore.

Again, follow your gut and use common sense.  Which is sounds like you're doing but second-guessing it.

Don't.  Your first impression is usually the correct one.

 

 

[ShySoul]

What kind of person is he?

Is he generally someone who is chatty and makes friends with those around him? Has he made friends with random strangers in the past? If that is his natural personality, then it's probably just him being him.

He's also not trying to hide anything from you. You have access to his phone and can see any contact he has with them. If this was something fishy and a cause for concern, he's doing a very poor job of keeping it a secret. Odds are it means nothing beyond someone new to get to know.

Share your feelings and concerns. Communication is key in a relationship. Hope you can work it out.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/18/2024 at 4:46 AM, Stranger333 said:

The night before me and his had gone out to a bar, after my birthday dinner, and some guy started talking to him, just asking him how his night was going etc, and they were just having casual banter, lasted about 5 minutes and then the guy carried on dancing with his group and my boyfriend with me, saying it was nice to meet you have a good night. 
At no point did they exchange contact details, I don’t know, I just don’t understand the need for him doing that with these two women. 

^^This is what I meant by utilize common sense.  He met a guy at a bar, struck up a convo with him but did NOT wish to exchange contact details.

Yet with this women, he did.

What does that say to you when using your common sense and following that "little voice"?  Your instincts here are good @Stranger333.   It would be a mistake to ignore IMO.

To me, this does not spell a man who is seeking to make friendships with random people he meets.

He met this woman, found her attractive and wished to exchange IG with her.  He claimed (to you) it was to fix her up with his friend, not sure if I buy that but it's possible I suppose.

Who is the second woman?  Did I miss something?

In any event, if you feel it's worth it to have a conversation with him defining your boundaries, that's totally fine.

I hope it works out!