Struggling with how I feel

[Daisy1458390]

I have been in a relationship for 5 years , the last 2 years have been quite tough on us both. Our intimacy has been lacking for the last year. The house chores including cooking is all down to me as well as walking the dog everyday . I'm a full time student who works as well. he comes home after work and does nothing but watch tv and be on his phone. He used to be so ambitious and motivated, he's struggling to find a job he likes , he had multiple jobs since I've been with him . I can tell he's miserable .   I'm starting to become quite snappy with him , I'm starting to hear myself moan more often , I'm becoming someone I don't want to be. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut at the minute and not sure what to do , carrying on working through this or make the decision to part ways. 

[Jaunty]

In what way are you "working through this"?  It sounds like you are going along with it, and very unhappily.

You can't change another person.   That said, have the two of you sat down together and had some serious communication about the way things are going?  Or have you just been begrudgingly picking up all of his slack?  

 

[Daisy1458390]

16 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

In what way are you "working through this"?  It sounds like you are going along with it, and very unhappily.

You can't change another person.   That said, have the two of you sat down together and had some serious communication about the way things are going?  Or have you just been begrudgingly picking up all of his slack?  

 

Yes we have had multiple conversations about how things need to change, improvements have been made but just not enough to lighten the load . 
I am begrudgingly doing everything.
His love language is acts of service, but I feel like I'm starting to give up, my needs are not being met and I don't enjoy doing things for him anymore. When I bring up the fact I do all these things for him but I get nothing in return , he says "there's always terms and conditions with you" 

 

[Jaunty]

10 minutes ago, Daisy1458390 said:

 When I bring up the fact I do all these things for him but I get nothing in return , he says "there's always terms and conditions with you" 

Well, how about not couching it in how you do everything and get nothing "in return."  Instead, talk about division of duties around the house.   Make a list of what has to be done and divide it up equally.   If he doesn't do his part, DO NOT do it yourself.   And DO NOT NAG, SUGGEST, COMPLAIN.  Just do your jobs and try to be present for anything good that the two of you have between you, if you really would like to try to work through this.

Since you have a dog, you take on that one.  This way the dog won't be neglected, and you won't have to clean up dog messes in your house.   

The rest of it - you do your own part, and leave it to him to do his, or it doesn't get done.

The way you're behaving now is co-dependent.  

It is a difficult pattern to change.  

But if you do leave him his own responsibilities, you both will figure out pretty quickly if you want to keep living like this or if you both want to make some changes.

[Daisy1458390]

7 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Well, how about not couching it in how you do everything and get nothing "in return."  Instead, talk about division of duties around the house.   Make a list of what has to be done and divide it up equally.   If he doesn't do his part, DO NOT do it yourself.   And DO NOT NAG, SUGGEST, COMPLAIN.  Just do your jobs and try to be present for anything good that the two of you have between you, if you really would like to try to work through this.

Since you have a dog, you take on that one.  This way the dog won't be neglected, and you won't have to clean up dog messes in your house.   

The rest of it - you do your own part, and leave it to him to do his, or it doesn't get done.

The way you're behaving now is co-dependent.  

It is a difficult pattern to change.  

But if you do leave him his own responsibilities, you both will figure out pretty quickly if you want to keep living like this or if you both want to make some changes.

Thats very helpful , thank you . I will do this. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Daisy1458390 said:

Thats very helpful , thank you . I will do this. 

Also I'd ignore the whole trendy verbage about love language and just get back to basics.  Did he learn in preschool to play nicely in the sandbox, basic manners, thoughtfulness. 

Do you think now you don't have enough values in common like work ethic? We all want a job we "like" but what does "like" look like to him specifically and are his wants realistic? 

I agree about the dog if the dog is yours.  

[Cherylyn]

You're a mother of a 2 year old and not a man.   After 5 years,  he will not change for you.  Either accept conditions and situations as is or make the decision to part ways.

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, Daisy1458390 said:

His love language is acts of service, but I feel like I'm starting to give up, my needs are not being met and I don't enjoy doing things for him anymore. When I bring up the fact I do all these things for him but I get nothing in return , he says "there's always terms and conditions with you" 

Lighten you own load. Stop washing his clothes and fixing his meals. Let him do it those he wants them done. 

You'd need to clean your own place to your own liking regardless of whether you live alone, but as for picking up after him, target a box for his stuff and just move everything he's left lying around into it. Of course not food wrappers or anything that can attract critters, but anything that's in your way when you clean.

Negotiate with him to walk the dog if he wants to keep it. Otherwise, decide whether the dog would be best re-homed. Or maybe YOU would be happier if you re-homed. Whether that must mean a complete break up is up to you, but maybe moving out would prompt him to seek some professional help, or maybe he'd be willing to attend couple's counseling with you rather than lose you?

[Coily]

18 hours ago, Daisy1458390 said:

he comes home after work and does nothing but watch tv and be on his phone. He used to be so ambitious and motivated, he's struggling to find a job he likes , he had multiple jobs since I've been with him . I can tell he's miserable .

What kind work does he do? Does he work multiple jobs at once? What kind of hours does he work? What happened to wear him down? How was he around the home before two years ago?

I think these are important questions to ask, rather than just jumping to "he needs to pull the weight we think he needs to." Something big has happened to him in this time, that may be the crux of solving this situation.

I agree with Jaunty in framing this as what needs to be done, not making it about what is being dumped on you. He will either come around or not; you can't brow beat or call someone a 2 year old and expect anything but doubling down on mutual resentment.

[Cherylyn]

When he was ambitious and motivated while employed with a job he liked,  was he helpful and cooperative then or did he change by being unhelpful after he experienced struggles trying to find a job he likes? 

You can wait for him to be happy with employment and help you then if you possess the patience of a saint and who knows how long that will take? 🙄

He's miserable.  Has he always been a slob?

You can beg,  plead and implore him to help you run the household; only for you to fall on his deaf ears.  ☹️  You can nag him which is never a popular option for both of you. 

You may very well have to go on strike and if you do,  be prepared to live in a pigsty.  🐖 🐷

If you burnout because of him,  your patience or lack thereof will be the determining factor regarding how much longevity remains in your relationship.  😒