Differing Views on Having Children

[Aircarrot]

Hello everyone,

Me (25F), and my boyfriend (34M), have been together for four years. Recently, our relationship has hit a rough patch due to differing views on having children. He is very keen on having kids and sees it as his life purpose, while I am kind of scared and confused about the idea. This has caused a strain on our relationship.

We met when I was 21, and this is the first serious relationship for both of us. He was shy and quiet but very devoted and caring, which made me fall in love with him. We started casually, and over time, it became a committed relationship. Unfortunately, we didn't discuss our future goals and wishes in-depth early on, which I now see as a mistake. About a year into our relationship, he mentioned wanting kids someday, but I didn't think much about it at the time.

As time passed, I didn't like the idea of having kids and that thought combined with our lack of communication started eating away at me. I started going to therapy to understand myself better, partly because I grew up with an alcoholic mother, which left me without a healthy family example until I met my boyfriend. His family is very different, with long-lasting marriages that seem healthy and multiple kids.

Two months ago, my mom fell down the stairs and broke her back, requiring surgery and a prolonged hospital stay. This was very distressing for me, and I sought comfort and love from my boyfriend. Unexpectedly, he told me he was going trough a depressive episode, overwhelmed by his desire for kids and dissatisfaction with our relationship. He expressed that if we didn't have kids soon (2-3 years time), he would feel his life was ruined. I wasn't in a place to think about kids and listed reasons why I thought we weren't ready, which led to an argument. He said that I would probably never want kids (even thou I never said that) and that his time is running out, also accusing me that I would put our future kids in danger by being in contact and so shaken up by my moms actions. He said that he wasn’t sure our relationship was worth fighting for and that he loves me but cares about his future and that it would *** him up really badly if he didn't have kids.

My therapist and I agreed I needed time to process everything, so I suggested we discuss it later. However, he doubled down and suggested a break and no contact to think it through. I felt this was the worst approach since we needed to communicate. After calming him down, I discovered that I'm not opposed to having kids and would like a normal, healthy family. We started communicating more openly, and things improved. He recently moved into my apartment, and we both work remotely, though he still goes to his apartment for work.

Yesterday, I asked him about his passion for having kids and what he looks forward to the most. He said it's a normal thing for normal couples to do and morally correct. Then he asked why I’m opposed to having them. I explained my fears about pregnancy, birth, and the changes it would bring, and that I feel too young to decide on having kids. This led to a long conversation about our expectations.

I would like to ask for your advice on a few things:

1. When did you know it was the right time to have kids?
2. If you were unsure about having kids, what changed your mind?
3. Am I a bad partner for not having my mind made up yet?

I love him dearly and I know he loves me too, we don't have other relationship issues. We have a lot of fun together and and are mostly on the same page except for kids (which happens to be the most important one).

[Seraphim]

Love is not enough to keep people together with vital life differences or decisions. You have to be united on the core decisions . I think you guys have reached the end of this relationship. 

[catfeeder]

I think imposing this pressure during your time of distress over your mother’s health was poor judgment. I would doubt this man’s willingness and ability to work together as a cohesive and supportive team through major challenges in the future.

I would not want to raise children with a man who would cast me as an adversary in order to run his own agenda rather than treat us both as being on the same side. It foretells how such a man might turn against me and villainize me as a partner and as a parent. Duress is not a loving act, and I wouldn’t be able to trust him going forward, much less commit the rest of my life to him through children.

[itsallgrand]

You aren't a bad partner. You were very young when you entered this relationship. You have a lot to deal with regarding sorting out how your childhood has impacted you and how to move forward with your mom and yourself. You are still figuring out what you ultimately want and that's OK.

The issue here is he is of a mind where having children is the main goal in his life, relationship secondary. So he is willing to walk away and even bungle this relationship. For you, you have been putting the relationship first. 

It doesnt work and you deserve someone who can meet you where you are at and with the same priorities. He needs to move on and meet someone who is as focused and 100% on having children as the main goal in their life. 

Yes, I've walked away before from situations where children was the most important thing for someone because it's just not for me. It does not make me less, it does not mean anything except wanting different things.

You focus on you as you have been doing with therapy and figuring out yourself at your pace! That's what matters. Don't let him throw you off course or push you in a direction to please him. That's not your job. 

[Coily]

I'll start with I don't care for the amount of pressure he is applying on you and the relationship to have kids. His:

28 minutes ago, Aircarrot said:

a normal thing for normal couples to do and morally correct.

Is kind of weird. If he was very religious he would have said "normal for married couples..." Then I could get where he's coming from a bit more. However without that this doesn't seem to be a religiously motivated stance.

Now I do understand his concern about it getting later in life for him to have children; for men it's often a concern about being around and active like they want to be in their child's life, rather than fertility. Also some men's families have a history of dying on the younger side (60s), so that could be in the back of his head. Many women will be dismissive of this fact, but more perspectives help.

To your questions

1. When did you know it was the right time to have kids?
   • There is never a "right time" to have kids. It's more a matter of you being open to having kids and knowing that you'll have life changes. It really should be predicated on being in a good stable relationship where you are on the same page about building a life together.
2. If you were unsure about having kids, what changed your mind?
   • For me, and I have yet to have them as circumstance hasn't allowed, it was seeing how positively being a parent changed my friends. They wanted to be role models for their kids, most of my friends have 2 or more.
3. Am I a bad partner for not having my mind made up yet?
   • Absolutely not!!!!! It's a huge deal to have children. Also at 25 you have a lot to consider in life. You are right to be worried, though I think a lot of your concerns can be alleviated by talking to other couples who have had children.

Final thought, do you really want to have a family with a guy who lacks empathy for you when dealing with your mother's injuries. This is rather callous behavior on his part to turn it back having kids; that could torpedo many relationships. Now don't make rash decisions, but take that time and ponder on the totality of the bad, and also the good.

[Cherylyn]

It's not morally correct to have kids.  His thinking is warped.  ☹️  Both of you are incompatible.  He should choose a woman who is on board with having kids on an agreed upon timeline.  All decisions should be mutual.

You and I are similar.  Your boyfriend came from a normal background with long lasting,  very content marriages and multiple children reminiscent of my husband's upbringing.  My in-laws set the bar quite high. 

My father was an alcoholic,  chain smoker,  coward,  wife beater,  womanizer and left my widowed mother with insurmountable debts all of which she repaid without filing for bankruptcy.  In addition,  she paid off her mortgage early while raising 3 kids all by herself.  She is the strongest lady I had ever known. 💪 

My husband and I discussed children while we were dating.  We imitated birds by building our nest first meaning sound economics were established.  We didn't want to struggle financially.  I was able to be a SAHM for a few years while my sons were little as opposed to shuffling them off to daycare all day.  No way.  I didn't want that type of frenetically paced motherhood.

There were moments when I was uncertain about having kids and what changed my mind was our normal, very satisfactory marriage.  We were financially stable,  moved up from several houses,  my husband would make a great father and provider just like his father before him and life is comfortable.  We weren't in a position to live a hand to mouth existence.  I can concentrate on immersing myself into motherhood with nursing,  cooking homemade meals,  sewing,  quilting,  calligraphy,  cake decorating and doing my unique version of young motherhood.  I absolutely loved it, too.  🤗 💗

You're not a bad partner for being indecisive and you shouldn't feel pressured into having children either.  Children should only be brought into this world because they were wanted and loved and not because your partner expects you to. 

You shouldn't be convinced nor persuaded to have children either.  You're better off either being alone or being with a partner or spouse who doesn't want children otherwise you're wasting everyone's time.

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, Coily said:

...do you really want to have a family with a guy who lacks empathy for you when dealing with your mother's injuries. This is rather callous behavior on his part to turn it back having kids;

Glad someone else saw this, too. He's not just applying pressure, he's voicing assumptions 'against' you. He's well aware that you're stressed and vulnerable, and rather than comforting you and unifying with you, he's chosen this moment to divide from you and hold you out on a limb of persecution.

That's not just manipulative, it's mean. It speaks of his capacity for disloyalty and to kick you while you're down to get his own way. Is that something you'd regard as loving, and is this the kind of treatment of you that you'd want modeled for your children?

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, Aircarrot said:

1. When did you know it was the right time to have kids?
2. If you were unsure about having kids, what changed your mind?
3. Am I a bad partner for not having my mind made up yet?

I don't have kids.  I married later in life & it just didn't happen.  I wasn't completely opposed to kids but it wasn't my life's goal. 

I don't know anybody who has kids who thought they were ready.  The right time for most of the planners was after they had been married for a year or so.  

You are young.  You don't have to make up your mind yet but if you want to get married, be married for a while then start a family time is not on your side.  If pregnancy is the only issue you have a few years yet.  

Do not have kids just because he's pressuring you.  

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Aircarrot said:

• When did you know it was the right time to have kids?

I feel right now. Unfortunately for me, I also feel that choice of your partner is equally a big decision. If I just wanted to have kids could probably found somebody just for that. But dont see a point without whole "family" thing.

2 hours ago, Aircarrot said:

• If you were unsure about having kids, what changed your mind?

Dont think having a kids is a good idea when you are very young or not having some stuff like a job taking cared of. When you have at least some conditions to have kids(job, maybe even where to live etc) than you can think about the kids.

Always thought people who at least dont have conditions to have kids are very irresponsible. So, after I at least settled down with my job and all, I could think about stuff like that.

2 hours ago, Aircarrot said:

1. Am I a bad partner for not having my mind made up yet?

 

No. You are just not ready yet. And that is OK. Maybe you will be ready after some time, maybe you will never be ready. Nothing wrong with that.

Which brings me to the crux of the problem. Your partner is older than you. 9 years older. So ofcourse that he is more ready to have kids when he is in years where probably most of his peers have one. He probably feels it is time for him to have some. Problem is that you are just not ready. And that makes you very incompatible no matter how the relationship is. Because your future goals dont match. So its best for both of you to go their own way. 

[SaiKiiAdou]

This reminds me very strongly of my Ex.

We had the same age difference than you guys and dated for two years when I was in my early twenties.

And he wanted children NOW.

I was always indifferent to the idea of kids but was sure that I needed several more years till I would be ready. 

He was unwilling to compromise and help me grow. So we broke up as I was unwilling to be pressured into something I was clearly not ready for and I was very disappointed in him for not seeing and respecting my position.

It was one of the best decisions of my life. Im now 30 and still very happy childfree.

Do not have children if you dont feel ready or because you feel pressured by anyone. Give yourself all the time you need. There is nothing selfish about that.

 

Edit to add: and not to forget: even if your boyfriend is older than you, he easily can have children later in life. He might not want that however it is not right of him to not respect you position for something that is basically just "a want" of his.

[Batya33]

IMO It's in the best interests of a child to be born into if at all possible a two-parent committed loving family and that cannot happen in the situation you described so I agree with all the others.  

I always knew I wanted children yesterday.  I also knew especially in my 30s that I had to be in the right relationship -married or almost married, with someone who was over the moon enthusiastic about having a family and wanting one of us to be the full time parent at least for a significant amount of time -therefore I financially prepared myself for this for many years while I was single.  I would not date any man who didn't want that and I found that out as soon as possible.  Had my future husband changed his mind (highly unlikely!) we'd not be married now.  That's how important it was to me.  I felt ready when we started trying -before marriage- when we were 40.  There's a whole back story to why it took me and us so long! Our son is 15.  I won the lottery it seems - that's how much I wanted a marriage to the right person and the opportunity to have a family.  It's really hard.  If we didn't co-parent so well (not all the time but majority!) and if we didn't love him and each other so much I mean I can't even imagine because parenting is hard!! So is marriage.  But it's so worth it.  Never ever convince yourself to have a child particularly under pressure.  

 

[tattoobunnie]

4 hours ago, Aircarrot said:

 

1. When did you know it was the right time to have kids?
2. If you were unsure about having kids, what changed your mind?
3. Am I a bad partner for not having my mind made up yet?

1) I have always wanted kids, but never could picture having kids until I started redating my now hubs in my early 30's.  In fact, my body also ovulated for an entire month (as per my OBGYN) a few months into dating him again.  In most cases, it's not about wanting them or not - it's sometimes you want them with the right person.

2) My hubs didn't want kids, and I told him we should part, but he said, let's just wait...but perhaps he should have worn a condom then...either way, we both feel our boys are the best thing about us.  They really are the meaning to life to me, and I'm not a baby crazy person.  I really truly feel like their are the true meaning to life.

3) No. You both are not the right fit for eachother.  It's been 4 years. I also loved partying in my 20's, which is what you are missing out on, when you have a partner that wants to nest and settle down. Where's the ring btw?  Never ever have kids together after being together that long without a rock. Never ever, especially if a dealbreaker is causing someone a depressive episode.  There is too much chaos.  Even though nothing good is easy, it shouldn't be driving you into therapy when things are working and you are in a functional and harmonious relationship.

[Aircarrot]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think imposing this pressure during your time of distress over your mother’s health was poor judgment. I would doubt this man’s willingness and ability to work together as a cohesive and supportive team through major challenges in the future.

Thank you for pointing that out, I was left quite shocked by his behavior during that time since he didn't voice any concerns with me before. I managed to find love in my heart to forgive him and he has apologized for acting that way. We agreed to seek a couples therapist. 

3 hours ago, Coily said:

You are right to be worried, though I think a lot of your concerns can be alleviated by talking to other couples who have had children.

I think so too. I'm not opposed to having kids, but I generally lack any knowledge of how that looks and functions. None of my close friends have kids, and the only one who does is not in a good spot and isn't a great example to follow. On the other hand, most of my boyfriend's friends are married with kids, and I can see where the pressure is coming from.

I absolutely wouldn't have a kid just to fulfill his wishes. I firmly believe that children should have a strong foundation and unconditional love before being brought into this world, and I'm willing to work on that and educate myself beforehand. I guess I've never felt that overwhelming want for children, and I'm a bit confused about how that feels and looks.

This brings me to the conclusion that I cannot keep my boyfriend from fulfilling his dreams if that is what he really wishes. It's true that I prioritize the relationship first, and I thought he did too.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and concerns, it helps a great deal.

[Seraphim]

I think you are both in very different life phases. Neither person is a horrible person you are just in different life phases and want different things. 

[TeeDee]

55 minutes ago, Aircarrot said:

This brings me to the conclusion that I cannot keep my boyfriend from fulfilling his dreams if that is what he really wishes. It's true that I prioritize the relationship first, and I thought he did too.

You are being the bigger person here.  There's wisdom in your viewpoint.  

[Batya33]

I was an Aunt starting at age 20 and yes my former career as a teacher and daycare worker and the nannying I did certainly helped but I don’t think you’re gong to know what it looks like or how it functions until you and your partner are parents. Not in any real relevant way.

I can tell you Newborn's don’t sleep through the night. Men can’t breastfeed so if you do it will be you mostly meaning if you pump and do bottles dad can help too. You often won’t have time to shower or it will be really - really quick. You likely will feel tired and or sore for some time after giving birth.  Your free time will happen mostly when baby is sleeping or when the other parent or baby nurse or grandpa is on duty.  it often cannot be planned. 
you will need $$$ for all the stuff - diapers - onesies - decent crib or safe sleeping arrangement, hopeful a rocking chair or glider (lifesaver), and some appropriate toys - playmat, board books, stuff to squeeze etc. also $ to throw money at the problem like - food delivery or sending out laundry or bribing people to bring you stuff lol. 
I think it’s amazing and wonderful and yes a sacrifice depending on how much freedom you have now. You care for your mother yes ? So you know. Sorry if I read that wrong. 
As baby gets older there are lots of responsibilities but it depends whether it looks like daycare or nanny or grandparents or one parent at home full time or both sort of tag teaming. When there’s school there’s the issue of no school for the neverending viruses or weird skin infections or lice , Covid , strep , ear infections so that if you work outside the home it can get dicey when you get that work done.
also you might have a child with medical issues or mental health issues or learning differences or other special needs.
If’s a lot of unpredictability. My husband traveled a great deal from the time our son was 2 weeks old. My son timed most of his unusual illnesses and injuries for those times.  we lived near no family. My son had a suspected concussion at kindergarten the same day both my parents ended up hospitalized 800 miles away while my husband was in Europe. Honestly that sort of thing is called - being a mom. That’s what it can look like. Son was ok. Parents were discharged some days later. My husband came home 2 days later and was ready to give me a break - after recovering from jet lag. 
 

[smackie9]

The same thing happened to me...I had to end the relationship. I didn't want kids. when we started dating kids never came to mind...until he brought it up. He begged that I would change my mind someday...nope. Next time don't date someone that old. 

[MissCanuck]

You two are not compatible life partners.

He also sounds emotionally manipulative and selfish. It's time to read the writing on the wall and for each of you to move on. 

 

[Capricorn3]

Whatever you do, do NOT ever fold to pressure. Ever. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting children and no-one should pressure you into having them.   You two are incompatible on this point - different pages - which in essence means its not going to work.  He needs to find someone who wants the same as he does, as do you.  I know it will hurt, but time to move on.

(Side note:  As long as you're still together, make sure to be on some form of reliable birth control).

[Cherylyn]

What helped my husband and me was the fact that we married young.  I was 22 and he was 23 years old.  We waited several years before we raised a family of two sons.  We saved our money,  put a huge down payment on the first of several houses each time,  moved up and built our nest before we brought our baby birds into the world just like Mother Nature.  Only humans do the opposite;  have babies before the nest egg.  We were mature and economically prepared.  Those were deciding factors to raising a family together.  Also,  I was very blessed and lucky to have found the right one.  He's a great provider,  an amazing husband and father to our sons.  He helps me with anything and sparkles as a fine example to our sons.  He is 'Mr. Suburban Dad.'  I'd do it all over again, too.  💗 

Initially, I was indecisive about having children but what changed my mind was realizing I had no reason to be unsure because I married the right man in the first place.  He's not the same as my male colleagues,  male relatives,  my in-laws (my husband's sister's husband and my sister's husband),  not the same as my brother and so many men in society.  He's a real gem and I'm his extremely lucky wife.  I knew I won the lottery finding and choosing him to be the love of my life.  💗 My husband stands out from the crowd which made me intuitively know that raising a family with him will be a rewarding experience just as it was for his parents.  He hails from a normal,  nurturing background and since this is all he has ever known,  I knew deep within my bones that I too could have a normal,  content,  stable life as a mother. 

I was also initially unsure due to scary stories about pregnancy and childbirth.  I've always been healthy and overall both pregnancies were normal.  Of course,  I had normal nausea during my first trimesters but I never vomited. 🤢  I had food adversions to certain food scents such as onions,  garlic and couldn't fathom eating anything acidic such as oranges and tomatoes.  Other than that,  I ate well,  ate robustly especially during my second and third trimesters and childbirth was normal.  I nursed both sons.  I ate well after my sons were born and fortunately my local mother brought home cooked meals to my house every week for almost a year for both sons!  My mother was a godsend.  I lucked out there.  My affluent in-laws gave us a ton of baby items such as a glider,  cute baby / child clothes for years,  my mother bought a stroller,  my siblings and friends gave us a ton of practical items and it was all good.  Neighbors and friends brought home cooked meals which made me feel so grateful.  I miss those days.  I surely do.  Nowadays,  I do the same for new families.  I'm the first to race to their doorstep with homemade dinners in tow.  Or, if I'm pressed for time,  I'll send them a gift card and they can do take out. 

No,  you're not a bad partner for not having made up your mind yet.  If you're unsure,  don't have kids and don't have kids with your partner.  You need to be on the same page regarding mutual agreements especially kids. 

Your partner is 9 years older than you are.  In most cases,  everything is fine in the beginning regarding the age gap.  Then as he ages faster and you're younger,  someday you will be burdened tending to an elderly husband with age related age woes plus raising kids and most likely employed, too.  You need to ask yourself if you're prepared to carry extra loads in the future.  This type of strain is not conducive to a happy marriage.  ☹️  I know because my late father was 10 years older than my mother and I observed her needless suffering,  hardship and struggles.  No one wants to talk about this but this is the harsh reality check you must face if you decide to take this route with a partner or spouse who is much older than you are. 

Loving each other dearly and having fun together all gets pitched out the window when life doesn't align harmoniously whether it's age difference,  kids vs. no kids decision making,  feeling pressured to have a family,  shaky finances and the whole lot.  You need to envision your future and see where both of you will be.  You need to cover all of that.

 

[breakthrough]

You've got a guy who's deeply invested in having kids, and he's made it clear that it's a deal-breaker for him. On the other hand, you're still on the fence. Now, if you want to make this work, you're going to have to confront this head on.

First, you're not a bad partner for being unsure. This is a big decision and it's normal to have questions and fears.

You want to know when it's the right time to have kids? It's the right time when both partners are ready and on the same page.

It seems you're not there yet. But that doesn't mean you can't get there.

If you're willing to work on this, you need to face your fears about pregnancy and parenthood. There's a lot of information out there that might help ease your fears.

However, if after learning and discussing, you still feel it's not for you, then you're going to have to make a tough decision. Because this is a non-negotiable for him, and you can't fairly ask him to give up his dreams of being a father.

Remember, this isn't about being "bad" or "good." It's about compatibility and respect. If you are not compatible on such a fundamental desire, then you're going to have to consider if this relationship is going to work.

Consider this though: having kids is the right move for most people. Almost nobody who has a child regrets having them, but many people don't have children wish that they did. You're not going to be 25 forever.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, breakthrough said:

Consider this though: having kids is the right move for most people. Almost nobody who has a child regrets having them, but many people don't have children wish that they did. You're not going to be 25 forever.

For me the standard was never 'not regretting" nor would I have been with any man who said "well I had some pregnancy scares and realized we'd have made it work somehow -I wouldn't have regretted having children" - I wanted only a partner who was over the moon enthusiastic about having a family especially since I figured I'd have to look into adoption/surrogacy or IVF (I was lucky, conceived naturally at almost 42, first time I was pregnant).  I do know of people who didn't have children -or more children like with a second spouse - and are steadfast that it was a good decision.  Those people quite often made contributions in their work, to other family members, in volunteer work etc that obviously wasn't the same as parenting but fulfilled the parts of them that often are not fulfilled by just a job or just having casual acquaintances.  Sometimes it had to do with animal rescue.  Sometimes art.  Or helping people or family members.  Being the caregiver for a sibling or parent.  

I know of people who might not regret and won't ever say it wasn't the "right move" -but it was the wrong move. For a variety of reasons.  My son regularly likes to hear how extremely wanted he was and is and he is 15! He knows it he feels it in his bones.  He loves to see us hug and kiss because he knows that we have this separate marital relationship and we are also very much a family with him.  Kids absorb stuff and I'd feel concerned about a child who absorbed or knew that one or both parents didn't really want kids but then stepped up to the plate with "no regrets".  Not scared- not abusive at all -just a little -sad. IMO

[Aircarrot]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Kids absorb stuff and I'd feel concerned about a child who absorbed or knew that one or both parents didn't really want kids but then stepped up to the plate with "no regrets".  Not scared- not abusive at all -just a little -sad.

That is absolutely true. I'm one of those kids myself. My mother and father went with it, and I was told multiple times that I was an accidental baby. It doesn't make me love them any less, but it does kind of suck to hear. I often questioned whether their lives would have been better if I hadn't been born, but now I see that the life they made for themselves wasn't really impacted by me, but by their own personalities and decisions.

I would love to have a healthy family one day, but I have a lot of work to do before I feel over the moon about bringing a child into this world. It might be due to my own insecurities and living conditions. Reading all the comments is really inspiring, thank you for sharing your stories. ❤️ 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Aircarrot said:

That is absolutely true. I'm one of those kids myself. My mother and father went with it, and I was told multiple times that I was an accidental baby. It doesn't make me love them any less, but it does kind of suck to hear. I often questioned whether their lives would have been better if I hadn't been born, but now I see that the life they made for themselves wasn't really impacted by me, but by their own personalities and decisions.

I would love to have a healthy family one day, but I have a lot of work to do before I feel over the moon about bringing a child into this world. It might be due to my own insecurities and living conditions. Reading all the comments is really inspiring, thank you for sharing your stories. ❤️ 

I’m so very sorry. I even didn’t tell my son about my postpartum scary medical situation. I would have if it was genetic and it was determined it was not. I never want him to feel that he was a burden in utero or otherwise. I’m sorry your parents said anything of the kind. 

[redswim30]

On 7/16/2024 at 8:49 AM, Aircarrot said:

Hello everyone,

Me (25F), and my boyfriend (34M), have been together for four years. Recently, our relationship has hit a rough patch due to differing views on having children. He is very keen on having kids and sees it as his life purpose, while I am kind of scared and confused about the idea. This has caused a strain on our relationship.

I would like to ask for your advice on a few things:

1. When did you know it was the right time to have kids?
2. If you were unsure about having kids, what changed your mind?
3. Am I a bad partner for not having my mind made up yet?

I love him dearly and I know he loves me too, we don't have other relationship issues. We have a lot of fun together and and are mostly on the same page except for kids (which happens to be the most important one).

I am very concerned for you that he is making judgments on you based on his opinions.  That's a HUGE relationship issue and red flag. It's pretty much the biggest issue of all. 

Regarding your questions. 

1.  There's never a "right time"- that's a myth.  Because life never offers perfect or worry-free moments.  You make decisions and then you work through things as they come. 

2. You shouldn't have to "change your mind".  Having kids isn't for everyone.  There's no right or wrong answer here. Having kids isn't just an 18 year commitment, it's a lifetime one.  Having kids is something I feel people should be a THOUSAND percent sure they want.  I know too many parents who had them because they felt they "should", but didn't really want them.   Having kids is not for the feint of heart and is challenging even if the BEST of times.  If you aren't sure you want them- don't have them.  There's plenty of ways to have kids involved in your life without creating your own. 

3.  NO!  You are not a bad partner.  Having a baby typically effects the woman more than the man.  YOURS is the body it will forever change.  YOURS is the bulk of the infant needing your care for the first few years of your life.  Not saying there aren't great dads out there, but women feel far more of the permanent effects biologically and psychologically than men do.  Having children actually changes our body chemistry.  So making sure you actually WANT it is key.  And you are still in your 20's.  I encourage you to live more life before making such a permanent decision.  And please do not feel pressured simply because HE wants it.  

Honestly, I don't think either of you is ready.  He can SAY he is all he wants, but he doesn't sound like a very patient, empathetic or nurturing person.  This is NOT the type of person I'd advise having a baby with. 

I agree that you need time to consider this.  But if your BF is sticking to his pressuring of you and wanting a baby yesterday, it may be time to end this relationship.   Do NOT make such a life altering decision with someone who is making judgments on your MORALITY for having feelings and opinions. 

Being on the same page about having children is a pretty BIG issue and one on which you must agree or end the relationship.   Also, I'm sorry to say- this is NOT your "only issue".  Your bf is controlling, judgmental, manipulative, and just kinda a bully.   If I were you, I'd consider strongly if this is someone you even want to date.  IMVHO, this is NOT the man to have a child with.  Especially when you are so unsure about it without his abusive tactics.