SC2005 Posted July 18 Author Share Posted July 18 1 hour ago, Batya33 said: I would from now on OP not see that as confusing. Unless it's an enthusiastic yes, treat it as a NO. If she keeps in touch with you assume it is to be friends and dish about who she is dating if that come up in her life. She will of course let you know if she actually wants to make a plan for a date or changes her mind and wants very much to go on a date with you. Also IMO Andrina gives wonderful input on this sort of situation. You're doing yourself such a disservice to dismiss it. I’m only dismissing part of it. Thanks, I will indeed take it as a no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 18 Author Share Posted July 18 1 hour ago, yogacat said: I actually said something very similar to someone but he kept mentioning a date but never set a time or place - so all talk no action - haha. He mentioned he was leaving and I was genuinely disappointed. But nothing ever materialized from his side. So after a little while I guess I realized maybe he wasn't as serious as he made out. But I will never really know as he never organized anything. It's best to take people for their words and not look into things if its too simple. Just wait perhaps and see if she actually keeps in touch with you. Thank you. Are you saying treat it as if she meant it? (the “it’s not goodbye” and we’ll talk). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 18 Share Posted July 18 1 hour ago, SC2005 said: Thank you. Are you saying treat it as if she meant it? (the “it’s not goodbye” and we’ll talk). Nobody here can read her mind. You know her better than any of us. If you see an opening after you've been on the job for a while to ask her out to catch up, then you have nothing to lose. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 18 Share Posted July 18 So all this happened through text correct? That is part of the problem because there is no feeling in a text, no substance other than what we perceive or want there to be. My take on all this is: Yes she didn't want it to be goodbye forever but when you suggested 1:1 she realized you were interested in her as more than friends so she distanced herself since she only wants to be friends with you. Trying to analyze this or anyone else's intentions is a fools errand since no one can know the mind of another. If you are okay being just friends with her and nothing more then if and when you see each other or communicate keep it as two friends spending time together or talking. Don't wait and hope she changes her mind, don't be mad at her because she doesn't feel the same as you and don't ask her to explain herself and what she meant. Just take it as a friendship and have fun. Are you interested in anyone else? Lost 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 18 Author Share Posted July 18 39 minutes ago, lostandhurt said: So all this happened through text correct? That is part of the problem because there is no feeling in a text, no substance other than what we perceive or want there to be. My take on all this is: Yes she didn't want it to be goodbye forever but when you suggested 1:1 she realized you were interested in her as more than friends so she distanced herself since she only wants to be friends with you. Trying to analyze this or anyone else's intentions is a fools errand since no one can know the mind of another. If you are okay being just friends with her and nothing more then if and when you see each other or communicate keep it as two friends spending time together or talking. Don't wait and hope she changes her mind, don't be mad at her because she doesn't feel the same as you and don't ask her to explain herself and what she meant. Just take it as a friendship and have fun. Are you interested in anyone else? Lost Yes, it all happened via text. I think your take is pretty plausible. No, not interested in anyone else … thank you for the help. You’ve really cleared things up and I appreciate it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 18 Share Posted July 18 3 hours ago, SC2005 said: Thank you. Are you saying treat it as if she meant it? (the “it’s not goodbye” and we’ll talk). Agree with @catfeeder It's best to take her words at face value and not overthink or read into them too much. If she is genuinely interested in talking and potentially going out with you in the future, she will make an effort to stay in touch and continue the conversation. You have to let things play out naturally and leave room for the other person to reciprocate interest. Just focus on yourself and your own life in the meantime. She said she doesn't have time right now. I would take it exactly as implied. She's busy and has other priorities at the moment. If she does reach out down the road, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But for now, just take her response as it is and don't try to analyze it too much. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Capricorn3 Posted July 19 Popular Post Share Posted July 19 On 7/17/2024 at 1:27 PM, ShySoul said: It's a girl! Don't you women know the powerful mesmerizing effect you have upon us poor defenseless men? 😁 Seriously, when you are really attracted to someone there are a thousand thoughts in your head. lol, well, all I can do is remind all you poor defenseless men that females do not bite, they are as human as you are and there's really no need to make it such a big deal. And one more thing you can add to the thousand thoughts in your head would be: "ok, I really need a little common sense here, she's not an alien, just a normal person like me". If any man can interact with any woman, in any way in daily life, they should be able to open their mouth and ask someone to meet for coffee (or whatever). It's really not that hard. So, plain and simple, much ado about nothing, mountains out of molehills. 😉 6 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 Just one last question, how old are you and her? I just thought I'd address why she said "it's not goodbye" or "I don't want it to be goodbye" or whatever she said. I think the way she was interacting with you was definitely friendly but yes confusing because it didn't show exact romantic interest. I'm not sure how old you and her are. But as a woman I think women, especially younger women don't always look at interactions with men as romantic. When I was in my 20's, I think I tried to be friends with guys more. I had a lot if male friends at school who were just platonic friends and that was all. So I think in my 20's, like at university, I would think "Oh that guy is nice and could be my friend". But the guy would sometimes interpret my friendliness as romantic interest. There are also some people who are more friendly and bubbly than others. I'm a very bubbly outgoing person and I've actually had many guys mistake that for being into them. I think there was no harm at all to ask her out. I mean, you knew she liked you in some way because she said "it's not goodbye". But I wouldn't necessarily say she was giving you mixed signals and led you on. I mean, it's not like she was sending you messages like: "Hey gorgeous, man of my dreams" but then didn't want to meet one-on-one. She was being friendly but if she wasn't interested romantically that's fine. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 2 hours ago, Tinydance said: Just one last question, how old are you and her? I just thought I'd address why she said "it's not goodbye" or "I don't want it to be goodbye" or whatever she said. I think the way she was interacting with you was definitely friendly but yes confusing because it didn't show exact romantic interest. I'm not sure how old you and her are. But as a woman I think women, especially younger women don't always look at interactions with men as romantic. When I was in my 20's, I think I tried to be friends with guys more. I had a lot if male friends at school who were just platonic friends and that was all. So I think in my 20's, like at university, I would think "Oh that guy is nice and could be my friend". But the guy would sometimes interpret my friendliness as romantic interest. There are also some people who are more friendly and bubbly than others. I'm a very bubbly outgoing person and I've actually had many guys mistake that for being into them. I think there was no harm at all to ask her out. I mean, you knew she liked you in some way because she said "it's not goodbye". But I wouldn't necessarily say she was giving you mixed signals and led you on. I mean, it's not like she was sending you messages like: "Hey gorgeous, man of my dreams" but then didn't want to meet one-on-one. She was being friendly but if she wasn't interested romantically that's fine. We’re 19 when girls are friendly does it even cross their mind that it can come across romantically? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 3 hours ago, SC2005 said: We’re 19 when girls are friendly does it even cross their mind that it can come across romantically? It might but it's not their responsibility - anyone can interpret signs but that is why I recommended focusing on one sign only - does the woman enthusiastically say yes to a date you plan in advance or ask you out on a date she plans in advance? If not she is not interested in dating you even if she might find you attractive. I had a half hour conversation in my 30s with a man at an event sponsored by my place of worship. During that conversation I mentioned my boyfriend. We walked out together and walked for a block or so before parting ways. I had no interest in him and wouldn't anway -I was seriously involved with my future husband. My maiden last name was unusual. Apparently he looked up my landline phone number and left me a voicemail asking if I'd come to an event where he'd be speaking -from his tone on the message it was clear he meant it as a date. Apparently he interpreted my friendliness as romantic interest. Why should that have crossed my mind -he's an adult and he made a choice. My future husband first asked me to lunch -we were coworkers- because the third time we met at a work event and had a conversation I apparently touched his arm once to make a point which he interpreted as romantic interest. I didn't remember doing so. I wasn't sure I was interested but he asked me to lunch during the work day -he was so so so shy -he needed a pep talk from his buddies before he called me! - so I said yes -lunch during the work day might or might not be a date. We started dating after that. He got up the courage 9 months after first meeting me to ask me out to lunch. I didn't bite and I even paid for him as he left his wallet in his office by mistake and was mortified. LOL. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 Last question, as it seems this thread of correspondences is coming to a natural end … Why do you all put in so much time and effort to respond to a total stranger and help him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 24 minutes ago, SC2005 said: Last question, as it seems this thread of correspondences is coming to a natural end … Why do you all put in so much time and effort to respond to a total stranger and help him? In my case it's mostly boredom 🤣 Just kidding, I like helping people and giving advice. I actually wanted to be a psychologist and got the undergraduate degree. I'm only now thinking to finish the postgraduate courses many many years later. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 12 minutes ago, Tinydance said: In my case it's mostly boredom 🤣 Just kidding, I like helping people and giving advice. I actually wanted to be a psychologist and got the undergraduate degree. I'm only now thinking to finish the postgraduate courses many many years later. Got it😅 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 20 hours ago, SC2005 said: This isn’t what’s confusing. What’s confusing is that she said “it’s definitely not goodbye”, which doesn’t just imply “let’s meet once more and say goodbye then”, it means: it’s *not* goodbye, ie “we’re gonna stay in touch”. I’m confused as to why someone would explicitly express interest in staying in touch but not want to meet 1:1 when asked. And it’s not like she would’ve said “it’s not goodbye” just to be nice, she texted it to me totally out of her own volition. I didn’t bring up anything of the kind. You need to learn to read between the lines and not take it at face value. For example if a woman after the date says "I had a nice time" that doesnt really mean she did. Its just something a lot of them says after the date to be polite. That doesnt mean they want another date, or to date you at all, or even that the date was nice. Just means they said something nice. Its like when you say to your guests "Please come again". You dont mean it for every guest but you say it because its a polite thing to say. Same with your "talk again" or "its definitely not goodbye". Its something they say but they definitely dont mean that when they dont really want to meet. You are young so you will probably in time pick up social ques like that. 1 hour ago, SC2005 said: Why do you all put in so much time and effort to respond to a total stranger and help him? I have a knack for giving advices and helping people. Also, it helps me practice English language and the community is nice. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 19 Author Share Posted July 19 20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: You need to learn to read between the lines and not take it at face value. For example if a woman after the date says "I had a nice time" that doesnt really mean she did. Its just something a lot of them says after the date to be polite. That doesnt mean they want another date, or to date you at all, or even that the date was nice. Just means they said something nice. Its like when you say to your guests "Please come again". You dont mean it for every guest but you say it because its a polite thing to say. Same with your "talk again" or "its definitely not goodbye". Its something they say but they definitely dont mean that when they dont really want to meet. You are young so you will probably in time pick up social ques like that. I have a knack for giving advices and helping people. Also, it helps me practice English language and the community is nice. The difference with the “it’s not goodbye” is that it’s not just a manners thing, because you don’t go out of your way to text someone in order to be polite. It wouldn’t be rude in the slightest not to text me, it would be rude not to tell guests “we’d love to have you over again”. That’s the difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 51 minutes ago, SC2005 said: The difference with the “it’s not goodbye” is that it’s not just a manners thing, because you don’t go out of your way to text someone in order to be polite. It wouldn’t be rude in the slightest not to text me, it would be rude not to tell guests “we’d love to have you over again”. That’s the difference. Some people simply don't like "goodbyes," there is a certain finality to a final goodbye when the truth is, one has NO idea what will happen down the road. Six months, a year, two years, 20 years! I dislike saying a final goodbye myself!! I prefer to leave it open, it's not as awkward.. Which is what her choice of wording suggests - to avoid the awkwardness of a final goodbye and leaving the door slightly open for whatever may (or may not happen) down the road. Case in point. My dad was in the military too, tough on the outside but was so shy with women that he passed on the opportunity to pursue a woman he claimed to be in love with at the time and she married someone else, my dad's friend actually. Fast forward 20 YEARS. He and my mom divorced, the woman he never had the confidence to pursue became a widow and my dad realizing he was still in love with her after all those years, pursued her with vigor, they married a year later and she became my step mom!! That's 20 years later. It's not over till the fat lady sings as they say. You just never know what can happen down the road. Let it go and live your life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 14 hours ago, Capricorn3 said: It's really not that hard. It can be and this coming from a guy that is not afraid of anything. Back when I was the OP's age and new to dating I struggled just like he is, not to the level he is but I struggled. I have several regrets from back then where I chickened out and missed out on what could have been. Since men historically have done and are pretty much still expected to do the asking this will be how it will be. See a pretty girl, get the courage to say hi and then talk yourself out of asking her out. It shouldn't be this hard I agree but it can be. The fear of rejection, looking like a fool or just falling on your face are powerful but only because we give them the power over us. Nothing worse than seeing the prettiest girl in school you never got the courage to ask out come up to you at a high school reunion and tell you she had a crush on you back then. Life is short, be brave and live it Lost 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 10 hours ago, SC2005 said: Why do you all put in so much time and effort to respond to a total stranger and help him? Been in your shoes plenty of times so why not offer some advice that may be of some help to you, stranger or not. Despite what you see on social media, tv and the like there are way more good people in this world than bad. One day you will look back on this and wonder why it was such a big deal. You will get better at this but it takes trying for that to happen so keep trying no matter the results. Best wishes Lost 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 11 hours ago, SC2005 said: Why do you all put in so much time and effort to respond to a total stranger and help him? Why not? Sure feels better then not helping someone. In this case, I've been in your shoes. I know what it is like to not have anyone there to help. And I know all the things I heard that didn't help versus the things that did. If I can make things a little easier for someone else, it's all worth it. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier. But I'll try to catch up and weigh in with my thoughts. Take or leave it as you will. I've found most people mean what they say. Trying to read into it only causes confusion and headache. It turns a simple question and answer into a six page thread. The more you think about it and try to parse out every nuance, the more you start to imagine things that may or may not be there. That in turn makes it so complicated that you are more likely to just give up out of exhaustion, as it sounds like you are willing to do. Also, a good number of people are likely to take the philosophy of just giving up on something if it doesn't go precisely the way they want or think it should go. Just because it's not a huge yes and a plan to meet the next day doesn't mean she has zero interest or that something can't happen down the road. It's always an individual thing and it's wise to keep the door open just in case. No means no. But anything more than that could mean anything is possible. What you said was fine. If that is what you were okay with saying, then it was what you should have said. Don't think there is any one way to do this. Whatever works for you and gets the message across is good enough. Her response means just what it says. She probably has plans so doesn't know if she has the time. Life is busy and we all have other commitments and responsibilities. She may be overbooked and not have spare time right now. But she is leaving the option there to spend time with you. We'll talk means she wants to talk with you at some point. People will say that if someone is interested they will make time. But it's not always possible right away. Just because they don't make the time in the next week, doesn't mean they won't want to make time later on. Do you know what she was doing during the break? Maybe she went home for family obligations so literally couldn't see you much of the time. Maybe she was working a job so was occupied. There could be reasons that have nothing to do with you. The not goodbye means what it says. She doesn't want this to be goodbye, the end of knowing you. It could be as friends, it could be more. But she still wants to be in touch. That's a good thing. Again, it's leaving the door open. Maybe you won't speak again, maybe you will. But she's shown a willingness to talk. Take things as they come rather then drive yourself crazy worrying about it. Don't be a yo-yo, swinging back and forth between "she likes me" and "it's all over." Just go with the flow. She's currently busy. But if you have a chance to speak after the break, what's the harm in speaking to her? Maybe you can still hang out one on one, even if it's delayed a bit. Don't wrap yourself in a fantasy of her falling for you. But also don't think you should abandon all hope either. Get to know her better if and when you can and see what happens from there. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 9 hours ago, SC2005 said: The difference with the “it’s not goodbye” is that it’s not just a manners thing, because you don’t go out of your way to text someone in order to be polite. It wouldn’t be rude in the slightest not to text me, it would be rude not to tell guests “we’d love to have you over again”. That’s the difference. People are individuals. Some people will say things to be polite even when they don't mean it. Most people, in my experience, mean what they say. The question isn't what other people would do. It's what this girl would do. You are the one who knows her. Do you sense that her comments were genuine? Is she the type to say something just to say it? Or is she the type to go out of her way to say something she really felt? We can only speculate on this, you are the one in the best position to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 23 hours ago, Capricorn3 said: lol, well, all I can do is remind all you poor defenseless men that females do not bite, they are as human as you are and there's really no need to make it such a big deal. And one more thing you can add to the thousand thoughts in your head would be: "ok, I really need a little common sense here, she's not an alien, just a normal person like me". If any man can interact with any woman, in any way in daily life, they should be able to open their mouth and ask someone to meet for coffee (or whatever). It's really not that hard. So, plain and simple, much ado about nothing, mountains out of molehills. 😉 Women aren't aliens? You mean they aren't from Venus after all? I always knew that book was a lie! 😉 People really aren't that different - regardless of gender, race, or any other category that people use to define themselves as. We're all human carrying the same set of emotions, fears, worries, hopes, etc. It's easy to let things get in the way. But it's far more rewarding to focus on what we have in common and recognize that we are united. Few things are as hard as we make it out to be. A little more patience, understanding, courage and faith and so many problems we create for ourselves would be so easily solved. Though if a female wants to bite, or at least a little nibble, I'm sure there are plenty of men who wouldn't be opposed. 😉 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 8 hours ago, lostandhurt said: It can be and this coming from a guy that is not afraid of anything. Back when I was the OP's age and new to dating I struggled just like he is, not to the level he is but I struggled. I have several regrets from back then where I chickened out and missed out on what could have been. Since men historically have done and are pretty much still expected to do the asking this will be how it will be. See a pretty girl, get the courage to say hi and then talk yourself out of asking her out. It shouldn't be this hard I agree but it can be. The fear of rejection, looking like a fool or just falling on your face are powerful but only because we give them the power over us. Lost, believe me, I DO understand and I do feel bad for men who struggle with this. I do. I was just trying to lighten the "gloom and doom" thoughts for men, a bit of light-hearted, tongue in cheek stuff, make them realise and see that it really shouldn't have to be so hard. That said, I DO feel for you guys and didn't mean to ridicule the struggles that men go through - I hope people didn't take it that way. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted July 19 Share Posted July 19 9 minutes ago, ShySoul said: Women aren't aliens? You mean they aren't from Venus after all? I always knew that book was a lie! 😉 People really aren't that different - regardless of gender, race, or any other category that people use to define themselves as. We're all human carrying the same set of emotions, fears, worries, hopes, etc. It's easy to let things get in the way. But it's far more rewarding to focus on what we have in common and recognize that we are united. Few things are as hard as we make it out to be. A little more patience, understanding, courage and faith and so many problems we create for ourselves would be so easily solved. Though if a female wants to bite, or at least a little nibble, I'm sure there are plenty of men who wouldn't be opposed. 😉 Great post Shy 😉👍 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 20 Share Posted July 20 9 hours ago, lostandhurt said: Nothing worse than seeing the prettiest girl in school you never got the courage to ask out come up to you at a high school reunion and tell you she had a crush on you back then. Did you read my previous post about my dad? Yup^^!! And he was an extremely handsome U.S. Marine, but around the girl he liked, he was paralyzed and she married his friend! 20 years later, my dad married her! I love telling that story; she was my step mom and the love of his life until he passed away after a bad fall (freak accident). RIP dad. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 20 Share Posted July 20 3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Did you read my previous post about my dad? Yup^^!! And he was an extremely handsome U.S. Marine, but around the girl he liked, he was paralyzed and she married his friend! 20 years later, my dad married her! So morals of the story: 1. It's never too late. 2. Good things can come to those who wait. 3. When the opportunity presents itself, take a chance. 4. Go to your reunions because you never know what could happen at them. 😁 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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