Need neutral opinion

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

The thing is, going by your rules, she *did* act interested. She literally said she was sad she didn’t say bye to me and that it’s not goodbye. I think it’s likely that she’s a bit unsure what she feels about me as I really do think she was sending very mixed signals. 

I don't think that constitutes "acting interested," they're words and what I have learned is that words mean jack **** unless followed up by actions.  People can say anything they want, they can flirt whatever, it really doesn't mean a damn thing in the grand scheme, unless again those words are followed up by actual action.  Which is saying yes to a date and actually showing up on that date (versus flaking).

In any event, perhaps she did have some interest at one point but that doesn't negate the fact that she did not wish to add you to her coursemate group which again would have been a great opportunity to continue seeing you and when you directly asked her "would you like to get together just us" (paraphrasing), she turned you down.

Best to move on man and focus on women who act interested and don't send mixed messages.

If she does ever reach out taking you up on your offer to meet 1:1, see how you feel then. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, SC2005 said:

Thanks! I agree that’s it’s done. 
 

The thing is, going by your rules, she *did* act interested. She literally said she was sad she didn’t say bye to me and that it’s not goodbye. I think it’s likely that she’s a bit unsure what she feels about me as I really do think she was sending very mixed signals. 
 

In any case, as far as I’m concerned it’s a clear no. 

But not interested in dating you. Interested in chatting or flirting or hanging out as friends or in a group maybe but to me since she didn’t say yes or “let’s talk next (specific day) when I know my schedule and we’ll make a plan hopefully for (specific time period). Looking forward !”  
Almost 8 years ago I took my son swimming at a local pool. Left my phone in a locker. Pool closed around 4:30. Retrieved phone 4:45. Message from my future employer “we received your application and we’d like to schedule an interview “. I had my still wet and tired 7 year old with me. I called back then. Got voicemail I think and expressed my genuine interest in scheduling an interview. Included my broad availability for said interview.  Planned to follow up on the next business day if I didn’t hear. I didn’t say “oh nice I’ll call back tomorrow “ or “thanks for thinking of me. I’m busy right now but let’s talk and we’ll see ok?” I wanted this job so badly and I wanted to be sure they knew I was interested in meeting and interviewing  Dating is no different  

 

[TeeDee]

26 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

Whilst it’s true she may genuinely not have time, if she really liked me she’d make time. So, I think it is an indication of disinterest. 

Regarding catching up on our return to work, I’ll leave that to her. I don’t really see a point in trying to force things on from my end.

I agree with you.  Even if she was busy, busy people still make time for what is important to them.   If she wants to reach out she knows where to find you.  Leave the ball in her court.  

 

I'm sorry this didn't work out  

[SC2005]

37 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I agree with you.  Even if she was busy, busy people still make time for what is important to them.   If she wants to reach out she knows where to find you.  Leave the ball in her court.  

 

I'm sorry this didn't work out  

Yeah exactly. On my end things are done. 

[SC2005]

39 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't think that constitutes "acting interested," they're words and what I have learned is that words mean jack **** unless followed up by actions.  People can say anything they want, they can flirt whatever, it really doesn't mean a damn thing in the grand scheme, unless again those words are followed up by actual action.  Which is saying yes to a date and actually showing up on that date (versus flaking).

In any event, perhaps she did have some interest at one point but that doesn't negate the fact that she did not wish to add you to her coursemate group which again would have been a great opportunity to continue seeing you and when you directly asked her "would you like to get together just us" (paraphrasing), she turned you down.

Best to move on man and focus on women who act interested and don't send mixed messages.

If she does ever reach out taking you up on your offer to meet 1:1, see how you feel then. 

 

 

Yeah that’s a good point 

[SC2005]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If she does ever reach out taking you up on your offer to meet 1:1, see how you feel then. 

 

 

What makes you think this is in the realm of possibility? 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

What makes you think this is in the realm of possibility? 

Anything is possible, people can be weird and if you leave them alone, sometimes they can have a change of heart.    I would NOT expect it or count on it.  Go live your life, enjoy you summer.  Meet and date other women.

Just saying IF (not when), she ever reaches out, see how you feel then.

 

[SC2005]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Anything is possible, people can be weird and if you leave them alone, sometimes they can have a change of heart.    I would NOT expect it or count on it.  Go live your life, enjoy you summer.  Meet and date other women.

Just saying IF (not when), she ever reaches out, see how you feel then.

 

Thanks! I’m glad and got some certainty. Thankfully we’re not together in the next stage of the course , that would’ve been awkward. 

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, SC2005 said:

For real? At least I wasn’t totally deluded then. What did I say she did that qualifies as flirting? 

Her comments about you being "sweet/cute" and implying that the "goodbye isn't really goodbye" can be interpreted as flirting. But at the same time, she may just see you as a friend and is being friendly. 

I wouldn't tell a man I thought he was sweet and cute. If I told you that, then in my book, I am interested, and completely flirtatious and forward. Again though, some people are flirtatious and forward with everyone and it doesn't necessarily mean they are interested in a romantic or sexual way. 

I know that must be confusing but unfortunately, there's no right answer without directly asking someone out. She said we'll talk later, it could be 100% sincere, it could be a lie, it could be a delayed blow-off.

I would read it as the latter and manage expectations. She knows where to find you if she wants to chat is how I would take it.

[SC2005]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

She said we'll talk later, it could be 100% sincere, it could be a lie, it could be a delayed blow-off.

What does “delayed blow-off” mean? 
 

And how long do you think I should wait before concluding it was not sincere? Would 2 weeks passing and her not bringing it up be reasonable? 

[yogacat]

17 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

What does “delayed blow-off” mean? 
 

And how long do you think I should wait before concluding it was not sincere? Would 2 weeks passing and her not bringing it up be reasonable? 

A delayed blow off is when someone agrees to do something but has no intention of actually following through. They just say it to be nice or avoid confrontation.

I can tell you really like this woman and want her to be interested in you, but unfortunately, if she wanted to meet up with you, she would have either suggested it 1:1 or at least brought it up again after saying yes to the group hangout. 

I would suggest giving it some time and not actively pursuing her. If she reaches out to you, then it's a good sign that she wants to keep your relationship in some capacity. But for now, take her “Hiiii not sure I have the time but we’ll talk” as a NO.

If she comes back to you at a later time then great, but it's important to respect yourself and not waste your time on someone who isn't giving you back the same level of interest. 

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, SC2005 said:

Are you saying if I asked her out explicitly she might have sad yes? Why would she say no to something undefined but say yes to a date?

What I am saying is if you clearly ask someone out then you get a clear answer not all these assumptions, guessing games and wondering.

Hi would you like to on a date with me?  NO? That sucks but I get it.  Thanks for being straight with me.

Simple and done.  It could also go the other way but non of us knows until the question is asked and answered.

 You just need to work on your game a little, keep chatting up women and learn the signs so you know if you should even try.  This is a learned thing and now you have learned a few things.

 Make sure you are still nice to her but not overly nice.  No need to be a jerk just because she isn't interested.  Let her come to you and see what happens, a platonic friendship with a woman is very beneficial to a guy like you.   Remember women have friends and one of them might be your type.

 So what did you learn?  You didn't die, you weren't humiliated nor was she cruel.  Nothing to be scared of right?

Lost

[Batya33]

I would assume she doesn't want to date you and assume if she changes her mind she will reach out to you.  I would not follow up in any way related to your interest in dating her.

[Tinydance]

Well I agree with the others that despite anything else, you should be open and honest. And you should be "looking out for number one". What I mean by that is, you liked this girl and wanted to spend time with her. So why invite another guy along to hang out as three people? YOU wanted to spend time with her. So whether she liked you or not, you should have been asking her to catch up one-on-one. Also you wanted it to be a date so why invite the other guy to show that "it's not a date." I mean you want it to be a date.

[SC2005]

Thanks everyone …

[SC2005]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

I can tell you really like this woman and want her to be interested in you, but unfortunately, if she wanted to meet up with you, she would have either suggested it 1:1 or at least brought it up again after saying yes to the group hangout. 

You’re right. Dating aside, it would have just been so cool to spend an evening with her 1:1. I always felt in the little time we had together we’d have really deep and personal conversations. Interestingly, I guess she didn’t feel the same. 

[Andrina]

You really do need to work on your confidence/self-love, for your own good. Google some articles on ways to do this. The biggest way is to change the reel that constantly loops inside your brain. Self-talk. Practice thinking things like: You're a great guy with lots to offer to the right woman. I've got a good career plan, I'm kind, I enjoy deep personal talks with people. I'm good company. I can perform this difficult task, even if it takes all my courage. The task is worth it. I'll be fine no matter what happens. Maybe a little upset but it will pass.

I've had to do this myself when I realized my thoughts needed improving.

Confidence boosts a person's attractiveness. Not being confident is sabotaging. If you don't think you're all that, another person might get subconscious vibes like: Well that person knows themselves best. Maybe there is something wrong with him.

You tried to use another man as a shield by inviting a third wheel to change the entire dynamic (less than ideal) when you all met up. You thought it would make you feel less vulnerable and that backfired.

I can think of a similar instance when I was in community college. A was interested in a guy in my soccer class and we'd chatted during class. I then gave him a hint of my interest. Can't remember why but we thought it would be fun to write each other letters we'd mail and he hadn't yet asked me on a date. And then instead of a date, he asked me to accompany him to visit his cousin who was in the military and temporarily in town. The visit ended in disaster when the cousin found out my name and started lamenting about a girl with the same name who'd just broken up with him. I could tell I wasn't in the friend zone, that the guy was into me, but sensed he had a fear because of inexperience of being one-on-one with me. So I got turned off and let the connection fade.

If he'd not made that mistake, had asked me to dinner, he wouldn't even have had to do anything more than maybe tell me I looked nice and then on the second date, move slowly into holding hands, things would gone far better.

So anyway, practice makes perfect. Resilience is your friend. I read a book where all the wisest, elderly people in various communities were interviewed. They were often sought out for their advice by many. The one main thing they said was they were always glad in their lives when they tried something, even if it didn't pan out. It was better than never knowing what could have happened plus losing out on a golden opportunity. Take care and enjoy the next stage of your career.

[SC2005]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You really do need to work on your confidence/self-love, for your own good.

I appreciate the feedback, but you don’t know me other than a few internet posts, so I don’t think you’re qualified to say this. I don’t take offence by what you’ve said, I’m just not sure it should be taken seriously. 
 

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You tried to use another man as a shield by inviting a third wheel to change the entire dynamic (less than ideal) when you all met up. You thought it would make you feel less vulnerable and that backfired.

I didn’t think it would make me feel less vulnerable. I agree it was a mistake, but the logic behind it was to provide her with an escape option if she didn’t wanna meet 1:1 / on a date. She was offered with 2 options and chose for him to come. 
 

8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I can think of a similar instance when I was in community college. A was interested in a guy in my soccer class and we'd chatted during class. I then gave him a hint of my interest. Can't remember why but we thought it would be fun to write each other letters we'd mail and he hadn't yet asked me on a date. And then instead of a date, he asked me to accompany him to visit his cousin who was in the military and temporarily in town. The visit ended in disaster when the cousin found out my name and started lamenting about a girl with the same name who'd just broken up with him. I could tell I wasn't in the friend zone, that the guy was into me, but sensed he had a fear because of inexperience of being one-on-one with me. So I got turned off and let the connection fade.

If he'd not made that mistake, had asked me to dinner, he wouldn't even have had to do anything more than maybe tell me I looked nice and then on the second date, move slowly into holding hands, things would gone far better.

Whilst this story has parallels, I don’t think it’s the same.
 

First, you weren’t presented with the choice to meet 1:1 or the three of you. In my case she was and chose the latter. 

 

Second, you were genuinely into this guy, and I really don’t think this girl was into me. Why? She didn’t put my name down for the course-mates list, didn’t push for a 1:1 when given the choice, and when asked to meet 1:1, said no. I definitely made some mistakes here but I don’t think things would’ve turned out differently even if I was 100% smooth and asked her out as soon as she said “it’s not goodbye”, or whatever.  
 

She’s simply not into me, never was, and if I’d have tried things differently it wouldn’t have changed that. 

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, SC2005 said:

You’re right. Dating aside, it would have just been so cool to spend an evening with her 1:1. I always felt in the little time we had together we’d have really deep and personal conversations. Interestingly, I guess she didn’t feel the same. 

It’s always okay to "shoot your shot" as they say and ask her out if you feel comfortable doing so, but I would say to go into it with low expectations. It never hurts to ask and see where things go. 

I know it's confusing sometimes because a woman can be "nice" and friendly, but that doesn't automatically mean she's interested in dating you. Some people are just naturally kind and easy to talk to.

In the future, it may be better to make your intentions clear and ask for a 1:1 hangout or date, rather than trying to give her an out by suggesting she brings someone else along. It's best to be clear so that you're not left guessing.

Good luck and don't be discouraged. There are plenty of women out there who will appreciate your kind and sweet nature, and who will show clear interest in getting to know you on a deeper level. 

[SC2005]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

 

I know it's confusing sometimes because a woman can be "nice" and friendly, but that doesn't automatically mean she's interested in dating you. Some people are just naturally kind and easy to talk to.

 

This isn’t what’s confusing. What’s confusing is that she said “it’s definitely not goodbye”, which doesn’t just imply “let’s meet once more and say goodbye then”, it means: it’s *not* goodbye, ie “we’re gonna stay in touch”. I’m confused as to why someone would explicitly express interest in staying in touch but not want to meet 1:1 when asked. 
 

And it’s not like she would’ve said “it’s not goodbye” just to be nice, she texted it to me totally out of her own volition. I didn’t bring up anything of the kind. 
 

I would be grateful if someone could help solve this confusion. @lostandhurt @Kwothe28 @rainbowsandroses

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

 

Good luck and don't be discouraged. There are plenty of women out there who will appreciate your kind and sweet nature, and who will show clear interest in getting to know you on a deeper level. 

Curious what makes you say I’m kind and sweet, lol… 

[SC2005]

24 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It’s always okay to "shoot your shot" as they say and ask her out if you feel comfortable doing so, but I would say to go into it with low expectations. It never hurts to ask and see where things go. I

Are you saying it’s “okay” to ask her out after she said no to the 1:1? 

[yogacat]

Just now, SC2005 said:

Are you saying it’s “okay” to ask her out after she said no to the 1:1? 

No.

14 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

This isn’t what’s confusing. What’s confusing is that she said “it’s definitely not goodbye”, which doesn’t just imply “let’s meet once more and say goodbye then”, it means: it’s *not* goodbye, ie “we’re gonna stay in touch”. I’m confused as to why someone would explicitly express interest in staying in touch but not want to meet 1:1 when asked. 

I am saying it's confusing because of her language. Sometimes people say things in a casual way without realizing how it comes across to others. She could have easily said something like "well, it's been fun getting to know you and I hope we can keep in touch" without really meaning anything serious by it.

Let this go for now. She said she doesn't have time and that you'll talk later. Balls in her court.

[SC2005]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Sometimes people say things in a casual way without realizing how it comes across to others. She could have easily said something like "well, it's been fun getting to know you and I hope we can keep in touch" without really meaning anything serious by it.

Yeah, that’s very true. I guess I mistakenly viewed “it’s definitely not goodbye” as a sincere statement, more than a casual “we’ll stay in touch” which you can say without meaning. 
 

I have let go, I’m just trying to understand what happened as much as I can in order to have peace of mind. 

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

Yeah, that’s very true. I guess I mistakenly viewed “it’s definitely not goodbye” as a sincere statement, more than a casual “we’ll stay in touch” which you can say without meaning. 
 

I have let go, I’m just trying to understand what happened as much as I can in order to have peace of mind. 

I actually said something very similar to someone but he kept mentioning a date but never set a time or place - so all talk no action - haha.

He mentioned he was leaving and I was genuinely disappointed.

But nothing ever materialized from his side. So after a little while I guess I realized maybe he wasn't as serious as he made out. 

But I will never really know as he never organized anything.

It's best to take people for their words and not look into things if its too simple. Just wait perhaps and see if she actually keeps in touch with you. 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, yogacat said:

No.

I am saying it's confusing because of her language. Sometimes people say things in a casual way without realizing how it comes across to others. She could have easily said something like "well, it's been fun getting to know you and I hope we can keep in touch" without really meaning anything serious by it.

Let this go for now. She said she doesn't have time and that you'll talk later. Balls in her court.

I would from now on OP not see that as confusing.  Unless it's an enthusiastic yes, treat it as a NO. If she keeps in touch with you assume it is to be friends and dish about who she is dating if that come up in her life.  She will of course let you know if she actually wants to make a plan for a date or changes her mind and wants very much to go on a date with you.

Also IMO Andrina gives wonderful input on this sort of situation.  You're doing yourself such a disservice to dismiss it.