Capricorn3 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 1 hour ago, SC2005 said: And yes, this is way scarier then anything I’ve done as a solider 😅 Explain this to me please. I am struggling to understand what it is exactly that scares you so much asking a girl to meet for a coffee (or whatever). She's not some scary alien who's going to attack you or bite your head off, right? She's just another person like your other friends, your sisters, your cousins - a simple human being who you talk to everyday. No difference. Do you fear talking to all these other people (friends/family)? I doubt it. Like I said, I am really struggling to understand what is so scary? I honestly don't get it. At all. Explain? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 24 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yup. And I'd never have ended up dating anyone with that approach after around 8th or 9th grade. LOL, so true. To be blunt and no disrespect to anyone, asking to "hang out" or choosing to just "go along with things" is passive and lazy and not something grown adults do when they are interested in actually "dating" someone imo. But whatever, to each his/her own, I am just surprised some grown men think this is acceptable behavior when they are romantically interested in a woman, that's all. Not referring to you OP, I think you know what you need to do, your issue is FEAR and I hope you're able to resolve that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: LOL, so true. To be blunt and no disrespect to anyone, asking to "hang out" or choosing to just "go along with things" is passive and lazy and not something grown adults do when they are interested in actually "dating" someone imo. But whatever, to each his/her own, I am just surprised some grown men think this is acceptable behavior when they are romantically interested in a woman, that's all. Not referring to you OP, I think you know what you need to do, your issue is FEAR and I hope you're able to resolve that. Agree. For sure platonic friends all of a sudden can realize -hey -there's something more here! - but that's not the same as "friends" first with a person where there is potential to date/perhaps be in a relationship. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 27 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Agree. For sure platonic friends all of a sudden can realize -hey -there's something more here! - but that's not the same as "friends" first with a person where there is potential to date/perhaps be in a relationship. Not only that, but choosing to hang out and go along with things assumes you will consistently be around this person like in your social circle or your workplace or something. Not everyone has a social circle or work situation where they are consistently interacting with the same person or people on a regular basis. They rely on chance meetings at an event or club or gasp, on line. Where you meet someone and need to take your shot (ask them out) if you want anything to happen. JMO. Different strokes and all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 54 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: To be blunt and no disrespect to anyone, asking to "hang out" or choosing to just "go along with things" is passive and lazy and not something grown adults do when they are interested in actually "dating" someone imo. In reading back, I think my words here^^ are mean and I apologize. I think I might have misunderstood the poster's words because from reading their posts, they don't strike me as passive or lazy in the least. Just different with a different style of doing things. Apparently it worked well for them which is all that matters at the end of the day. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 3 hours ago, SC2005 said: Like replying to “it’s definitely not goodbye” with “btw, I wasn’t really sure what you meant by this. No, that's water under the bridge. Just ask her if you can take her out. Reminding her of the not goodbye thing sounds like you're pining for her. She already met up with you, demonstrating what she meant, so you'll be overkill on that point. Just approach her fresh. It would make sense that this last meet-up put the idea in your head to ask her for a one-on-one. So when you feel up to it, just do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 Different strokes for different folks. Do what is right for you. You'll find someone that matches your preference and be happier for it. No use trying to fit yourself into a role that you aren't comfortable with and doesn't come naturally. If you believe you need to ask people out and go on lots of dates, then have fun doing it. There are plenty of people who feel the same. You are more likely to meet someone that has the same mindset. If you believe in letting nature take its course and seizing opportunities when life naturally provides them, have fun doing it. There are people who feel the same. You'll meet someone that has the same mindset. I did, multiple times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 4 hours ago, SC2005 said: This I can already connect with. I can ask her “Hey, do you wanna meet up just us sometime?״. Doesn’t mean I will muster the courage to or even should, but I am capable. The other phrasings are not in the realm of possibility. But idk, many people here have made me question whether this is even a good idea. Thing about asking a group of random people, you will get a variety of answers that are likely to conflict and may make you more confused. Everyone has good points and says what works for them. Its up to you to figure out what works for you. Just my opinion, but I'm a believer in keeping it simple. The more we think or plan, the bigger the thing seems. You aren't climbing Everest. You aren't proposing marriage or asking for a relationship. You just want to spend time alone with her. At this point, that is all it needs to be. Once you get to that point, you can think about the next. As one of those girls also told me, start small. One thing at a time and it seem less daunting. I'm rooting for you, whatever you decide to do. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 Wow you are overthinking this big time. First off being rejected by a woman/girl is not fatal. What hurts worse is regrets.. Second keep it simple. Don't use words like sometime, maybe, do you think, I was wondering as these and others like them show no confidence. Even if you have very little you don't want to advertise it. "Hi __________, I had a great time with you the other day. Do you want to meet for a dinner date so we can get to know each other better?" Be ready to answer what day and where. Don't ask her where she wants to go, figure out a casual place that will be relaxing and fun. Also have two different evenings in mind so if she isn't available one day then you are ready with another. It sounds like she is into you but you have muddied the waters so much she is probably not sure if you like her as more than a friend. Be brave and Shoot your shot Lost 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said: Explain this to me please. I am struggling to understand what it is exactly that scares you so much asking a girl to meet for a coffee (or whatever). She's not some scary alien who's going to attack you or bite your head off, right? She's just another person like your other friends, your sisters, your cousins - a simple human being who you talk to everyday. No difference. Do you fear talking to all these other people (friends/family)? I doubt it. Like I said, I am really struggling to understand what is so scary? I honestly don't get it. At all. Explain? It's a girl! Don't you women know the powerful mesmerizing effect you have upon us poor defenseless men? 😁 Seriously, when you are really attracted to someone there are a thousand thoughts in your head. For some it isn't just a simple matter of talking to another person. This is especially true if you are shy, prone to overthink, sensitive, have an active imagination, etc. Your mind plays all kinds of scenarios, you question every detail. The logical answer is this is just another person. But feelings and attraction are about emotions not logic. So people view it emotionally and for some it is difficult to process all the emotions you are feeling - fear, hope, anxiety, joy, sadness, etc. Its not the same as talking to a sister, cousin, or platonic female friend. I don't imagine most have thoughts of potentially kissing their sister after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 9 hours ago, Capricorn3 said: Explain this to me please. I am struggling to understand what it is exactly that scares you so much asking a girl to meet for a coffee (or whatever). She's not some scary alien who's going to attack you or bite your head off, right? She's just another person like your other friends, your sisters, your cousins - a simple human being who you talk to everyday. No difference. Do you fear talking to all these other people (friends/family)? I doubt it. Like I said, I am really struggling to understand what is so scary? I honestly don't get it. At all. Explain? As I said, it’s an irrational fear. You’re right that there’s nothing to lose. Trouble is my emotional brain isn’t really co-operating with that idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 6 hours ago, ShySoul said: Thing about asking a group of random people, you will get a variety of answers that are likely to conflict and may make you more confused. Everyone has good points and says what works for them. Its up to you to figure out what works for you. Just my opinion, but I'm a believer in keeping it simple. The more we think or plan, the bigger the thing seems. You aren't climbing Everest. You aren't proposing marriage or asking for a relationship. You just want to spend time alone with her. At this point, that is all it needs to be. Once you get to that point, you can think about the next. As one of those girls also told me, start small. One thing at a time and it seem less daunting. I'm rooting for you, whatever you decide to do. I’m pretty shocked so many people have replied … There’s no way I can explicitly ask her out straight away. Your approach has a chance of being implemented. I guess there’s nothing to lose in messaging her “Hey, I had a good time yesterday. Do you wanna meet up just us during the rest of the break?”. Should I do this? But, still, for some reason this will take courage . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 7 hours ago, catfeeder said: No, that's water under the bridge. Just ask her if you can take her out. Reminding her of the not goodbye thing sounds like you're pining for her. She already met up with you, demonstrating what she meant, so you'll be overkill on that point. Just approach her fresh. It would make sense that this last meet-up put the idea in your head to ask her for a one-on-one. So when you feel up to it, just do that. Good point, thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 6 hours ago, lostandhurt said: It sounds like she is into you Based on what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: LOL, so true. To be blunt and no disrespect to anyone, asking to "hang out" or choosing to just "go along with things" is passive and lazy and not something grown adults do when they are interested in actually "dating" someone imo. But whatever, to each his/her own, I am just surprised some grown men think this is acceptable behavior when they are romantically interested in a woman, that's all. Not referring to you OP, I think you know what you need to do, your issue is FEAR and I hope you're able to resolve that. You’re right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 10 hours ago, Batya33 said: Yup. And I'd never have ended up dating anyone with that approach after around 8th or 9th grade. Also if I met a man I was interested in dating and he suggested a hang out I'd have said no unless it was not on a weekend night and as part of a group outing -then I'd have gone and assumed we were both free to meet other people who might actually want to date us. I didn't have free time to hang out casually with men I'd just met on a weekend night - that was for dating or going places to meet men and/or girls nights/social nights. I know of a number of couples who met in college without dating - through the dorms or fraternities etc - proximity, hanging out, hooking up -then eventual relationship but as an adult after college (and I went to commuter college and grad school) men asked me out on dates they planned in advance. I asked men out too and did the same. OP - I think it's good practice to ask women out on dates, to flirt and show interest (and then ask them out - don't expect another person to read the tea leaves and ask you out). But the invitation should make it reasonably clear -it's a date not a hangout. OP my husband when he first asked me to lunch -we were coworkers at the time -was super nervous. It was obvious. I wasn't sure it was a date since we worked at the same company and it was during the workday but he wasn't nervous at lunch. It may be a good practice but there’s simply no way I can do this. I would feel like someone else has taken my phone and messaged her on my behalf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 OK guys. I am really overwhelmed by the replies and appreciate the help. Why are ten strangers helping solve a strangers’ troubles I have no idea. The most I am capable of doing is messaging her: “Hey, I had a good time yesterday. Do you wanna meet up just us later in the break”? (we’re off the course this week). Should I do this? It’s either this, or nothing. I am not capable of using the words “take you out” and the like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 30 minutes ago, SC2005 said: OK guys. I am really overwhelmed by the replies and appreciate the help. Why are ten strangers helping solve a strangers’ troubles I have no idea. The most I am capable of doing is messaging her: “Hey, yesterday was really fun. Do you wanna meet up just us later in the break”? (we’re off the course this week). Should I do this? It’s either this, or nothing. I am not capable of using the words “take you out” and the like. I’ve done this. Thank you everyone for the help and encouragement. I’ll take it from here, I think. 🫡 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: @Kwothe28suggestion was very direct and takes A LOT of confidence. How about something a little less direct but still indicating you'd like to take her out? " Hey (her name), I had fun last time and would like to take you out for a coffee on Friday are you available"? Gauge her response. If she's into you, she will love it and hopefully be available. If she's not available, ideally she should offer you an alternative date. Although what I am finding is that not all women know that they should offer an alternative, so if she doesn't, still gauge her response. If she's engaging and playful, ask her what days are good for her and again gauge her response. You won't get anywhere in this life by being lazy and looking for the easy way into any given situation. Like I said, it involves risk. No risk, no reward. You are in the military, I am surprised they haven't taught you this. She said “Hiiii not sure I have the time but we’ll talk”. Fair to assume she doesn’t like me? @Kwothe28 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: In reading back, I think my words here^^ are mean and I apologize. I think I might have misunderstood the poster's words because from reading their posts, they don't strike me as passive or lazy in the least. Just different with a different style of doing things. Apparently it worked well for them which is all that matters at the end of the day. Also depends what "worked well" means -can work great for casual dating, or someone who isn't focused on finding an LTR so if it happens it happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 3 minutes ago, SC2005 said: She said “Hiiii not sure I have the time but we’ll talk”. Fair to assume she doesn’t like me? @Kwothe28 She might like you and not be interested in dating you. I'd personally take that as a no and I have recently done so -I don't date but I try to make new friends and if I suggest getting together in a specific way and get that sort of vague response I'm not asking again and assume the person likes to chat but doesn't want to put in the effort to get together in person. I'm glad you asked her -it was on the casual side but if she wanted to date you she'd have responded well to "just us" - next time I'd have a specific plan and date in mind. "[local theater] is having a performance of ____ -looks fun -would you like to go next week? I'm thinking the Tuesday night performance -what do you think?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 1 hour ago, SC2005 said: It may be a good practice but there’s simply no way I can do this. I would feel like someone else has taken my phone and messaged her on my behalf. There is a way but you just don't choose. I had to go all out to find the right person to marry and many many times went wayyyyy out of my comfort zone over many years from my teens to age 39 so I'm not buying "no way" -if you want it badly enough you'll find a way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 1 hour ago, Batya33 said: She might like you and not be interested in dating you. What does that mean? How can you be romantically into someone and not wanna date them? So, overall, you’d take this as a “no”? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 9 hours ago, ShySoul said: Thing about asking a group of random people, you will get a variety of answers that are likely to conflict and may make you more confused. Everyone has good points and says what works for them. Its up to you to figure out what works for you. Just my opinion, but I'm a believer in keeping it simple. The more we think or plan, the bigger the thing seems. You aren't climbing Everest. You aren't proposing marriage or asking for a relationship. You just want to spend time alone with her. At this point, that is all it needs to be. Once you get to that point, you can think about the next. As one of those girls also told me, start small. One thing at a time and it seem less daunting. I'm rooting for you, whatever you decide to do. I pretty much followed your advice and asked as much as I was comfortable with .. I would appreciate your input as to interpreting the reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 I am guessing you have never asked someone out on a date before. The first time is the hardest....well they are as hard as you make them. Do you ever wonder why jerks seem to get girls and guys like you don't? It is because jerks simply do not care and walk right up and ask straight out and since good guys like you are sitting on your hands afraid there aren't many options so they say yes to the jerk. When a girl or woman goes out of their way to talk to you, makes a personal connection, laughs at all your stupid jokes and a thousand other things you will learn as you go there is a decent chance they like like you but you will never know until you ask them out on a date. Yes I know it is different now were friends hang out and then somehow just pair up and start dating without an official ask but that isn't always the situation so you need to step up and ask. Women are a wonderful gift to this world and 99% will be gracious and nice if they are not interested and let you down softly. I hope this works out for you but you are going down a path where you will need to make it clear that you want to date her, not just hang out. My son found himself in the same situation with a girl he had hung out with in a small group and one on one. He told me what was going on and asked for my advice. I told him when you are hanging out just the two of you ask her straight out if she is interested in dating you. He did and although the answer was no they are friends and do things together pretty often but now he knows where he stands and is totally okay with it. They also go dutch now 😀 Let us know how it all works out. Lost 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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