Need neutral opinion

[ShySoul]

You can drive yourself crazy creating a gameplan, asking if you have a chance, figuring out all the things you should have done or should be doing, trying to figure out what she is thinking.....

Or you could just ask her.

Things don't have to be complicated. You have a way to get in touch with her. If you want to meet up one on one, just ask to meet up. Maybe pick something you know you both enjoy doing just so it won't seem awkward. Otherwise, don't overthink it. Go with the flow and see what happens.

And unless they are with someone else or has specifically said no, there is always a chance.

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

What if I message her now: 

”her name” 

[reply to “it’s definitely not goodbye] I wasn’t really sure what you meant by this 

Do you wanna meet up just us sometime? 

No and no. Be at least a little smoother than that. Say "Hi "her name", I had fun last time and would like to take you out for a coffee on Friday in 5PM". If she says "Yes" or maybe offers alternative time, you are in. If she says "No" or starts to be not on point like "Sure but some other week" etc, then its "Abandon your post soldier".

[SC2005]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

No and no. Be at least a little smoother than that. Say "Hi "her name", I had fun last time and would like to take you out for a coffee on Friday in 5PM". If she says "Yes" or maybe offers alternative time, you are in. If she says "No" or starts to be not on point like "Sure but some other week" etc, then its "Abandon your post soldier".

I can’t man, if this is what’s required… leave it,  I’ll just get over her. 
 

I know I sound like a wimp, but it’s not that big a deal in the grand scheme, I think I’ll just move on. Maybe I’ll ask her 1:1 but your message is too much man. 

[Kwothe28]

2 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

I can’t man, if this is what’s required… leave it,  I’ll just get over her. 
 

I know I sound like a wimp, but it’s not that big a deal in the grand scheme, I think I’ll just move on. Maybe I’ll ask her 1:1 but your message is too much man. 

Yes,  that is what its required in order to have a date, you need to ask for it. Very rarely will a woman ask you out. So you would need to get some courage and do it.

[SC2005]

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

Yes,  that is what its required in order to have a date, you need to ask for it. Very rarely will a woman ask you out. So you would need to get some courage and do it.

Thank you, you have helped greatly, really. I don’t have the courage and am gonna leave things I think. 

[ShySoul]

2 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

I can’t man, if this is what’s required… leave it,  I’ll just get over her. 

I know I sound like a wimp, but it’s not that big a deal in the grand scheme, I think I’ll just move on. Maybe I’ll ask her 1:1 but your message is too much man. 

Why give up without even trying? You'll never get anywhere unless you try. Take that from someone who learned the hard way.

What are you comfortable saying? It doesn't have to be a lot. Just, "Hey (insert name), feel like meeting up?"

Don't worry about being smooth. Don't worry about any of this. All this worry is causing you to be more anxious and you're ready to give up. All you have to do is ask to meet up. I know it's scary and difficult. But it's far from the hardest thing you've probably had to do. And the potential benefits are worth it.

[SC2005]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Why give up without even trying? You'll never get anywhere unless you try. Take that from someone who learned the hard way.

What are you comfortable saying? It doesn't have to be a lot. Just, "Hey (insert name), feel like meeting up?"

Don't worry about being smooth. Don't worry about any of this. All this worry is causing you to be more anxious and you're ready to give up. All you have to do is ask to meet up. I know it's scary and difficult. But it's far from the hardest thing you've probably had to do. And the potential benefits are worth it.

I’m comfortable with saying “Do you wanna meet up just us sometime?”, ideally referring to the fact that she said “it’s definitely not goodbye”

Like replying to “it’s definitely not goodbye” with “btw, I wasn’t really sure what you meant by this. Do you wanna meet up just us sometime?”. 
 

I just don’t feel comfortable with sending the other reply as it’s just not me, it’s just not something I would ever say or do …. 
 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

I can’t man, if this is what’s required… leave it,  I’ll just get over her. 
I know I sound like a wimp, but it’s not that big a deal in the grand scheme, I think I’ll just move on. Maybe I’ll ask her 1:1 but your message is too much man. 

@Kwothe28suggestion was very direct and takes A LOT of confidence.  

How about something a little less direct but still indicating you'd like to take her out?

" Hey (her name), I had fun last time and would like to take you out for a coffee on Friday are you available"?  

Gauge her response.   If she's into you, she will love it and hopefully be available.  If she's not available, ideally she should offer you an alternative date. 

Although what I am finding is that not all women know that they should offer an alternative, so if she doesn't, still gauge her response.  If she's engaging and playful, ask her what days are good for her and again gauge her response.

You won't get anywhere in this life by being lazy and looking for the easy way into any given situation.  Like I said, it involves risk.  No risk, no reward.

You are in the military, I am surprised they haven't taught you this.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, SC2005 said:

Do you wanna meet up just us sometime?”, ideally referring to the fact that she said “it’s definitely not goodbye”

One last piece of advice fwiw.  Leave the part about her mentioning "it's definitely not goodbye" OUT.

Other than that "Do you wanna meet up just us sometime?" sounds fine.

 

[SC2005]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Kwothe28suggestion was very direct and take A LOT of confidence.  

How about something a little less direct but still indicating you'd like to take her out?

" Hey (her name), I had fun last time and would like to take you out for a coffee on Friday are you available"?  

Gauge her response.   If she's into you, she will love it and hopefully be available.  If she's not available, ideally she should offer you an alternative date. 

Although what I am finding is that not all women know that they should offer an alternative, so if she doesn't, still gauge her response.  If she's engaging and playful, ask her what days are good for her and again gauge her response.

You won't get anywhere in this life by being lazy and looking for the easy way into any given situation.  Like I said, it involves risk.  No risk, no reward.

You are in the military, I am surprised they haven't taught you this.

 

 

They do teach us this, and usually I’m  not a loser with these kind of things. Like I had the courage to tell my parents I wanna join the military, and I was scared af about telling them. Probably more than now. 
 

Just cos I have absolutely zero experience with this ig …. 

[SC2005]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

One last piece of advice fwiw.  Leave the part about her mentioning "it's definitely not goodbye" OUT.

Other than that "Do you wanna meet up just us sometime?" sounds fine.

 

OK. Maybe I’ll do it. Maybe. 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

OK. Maybe I’ll do it. Maybe. 

What are you afraid of?  The rejection?  Even if she DID reject your offer, would that be so horrible?  
I am trying to understand your mindset.  I get no one enjoys being rejected but like I said, no risk, no reward.

Honestly you won't get anywhere with any women by being paralyzed by fear and allowing your fear to steer your ship.

 

 

[yogacat]

Forget it. If you can't muster up the courage to ask a woman that you like out, you're no where near ready to handle any kind of relationship. Being in a relationship requires open communication and being able to confidently express your feelings and desires. If you can't even ask someone on a date, how are you going to handle tough conversations and navigate potential conflicts in a relationship? 

[ShySoul]

7 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

I’m comfortable with saying “Do you wanna meet up just us sometime?”

Always do what you are comfortable with. Don't put pressure on yourself to be anyone you are not or do something you aren't comfortable with. There is no right way to do this, no one way that guarentees anything. So just do it your way. Goal is to be relaxed and comfortable when you do it.

For years I could never say anything. I left a lot of potentially good things on the table without trying. Then two female friends gave me some advice that changed all that. The first said to just be me and say what I thought/felt. The second advised to be in the moment and not worry about everything that could happen. There is no way you can control everything or know what the result will be. But you can believe in yourself and just take a chance.

So I took the chance. And good things happened. I kept being in the moment and going with how I was feeling, and good things generally happened. It wasn't as hard I had made it out to be. It was actually quite easy once I got the ball rolling.

Females and relationships are more scary then anything a soldier has to deal with, right? But you can handle it. You can do anything you set yourself to doing.

[SC2005]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Forget it. If you can't muster up the courage to ask a woman that you like out, you're no where near ready to handle any kind of relationship. Being in a relationship requires open communication and being able to confidently express your feelings and desires. If you can't even ask someone on a date, how are you going to handle tough conversations and navigate potential conflicts in a relationship? 

You’re right. You’re so right. I’m not gonna do anything. 

[SC2005]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What are you afraid of?  The rejection?  Even if she DID reject your offer, would that be so horrible?  
I am trying to understand your mindset.  I get no one enjoys being rejected but like I said, no risk, no reward.

Honestly you won't get anywhere with any women by being paralyzed by fear and allowing your fear to steer your ship.

 

 

It wouldn’t be that bad, you’re right. It’s an irrational fear. 

[SC2005]

15 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Always do what you are comfortable with. Don't put pressure on yourself to be anyone you are not or do something you aren't comfortable with. There is no right way to do this, no one way that guarentees anything. So just do it your way. Goal is to be relaxed and comfortable when you do it.

For years I could never say anything. I left a lot of potentially good things on the table without trying. Then two female friends gave me some advice that changed all that. The first said to just be me and say what I thought/felt. The second advised to be in the moment and not worry about everything that could happen. There is no way you can control everything or know what the result will be. But you can believe in yourself and just take a chance.

So I took the chance. And good things happened. I kept being in the moment and going with how I was feeling, and good things generally happened. It wasn't as hard I had made it out to be. It was actually quite easy once I got the ball rolling.

Females and relationships are more scary then anything a soldier has to deal with, right? But you can handle it. You can do anything you set yourself to doing.

I really appreciate the words of encouragement, but @yogacat’s message certainly made me think. If I’m too nervous to literally ask to meet I shouldn’t do it. Would I just be super nervous on the date itself? And a million more problems. 
 

I have done it before with previous crushes and I will likely do it again. After not speaking or seeing her for a few weeks my brain will get over her. 
 

Not a final decision … but that’s how I feel at the moment. 
 

And yes, this is way scarier then anything I’ve done as a solider 😅

[Kwothe28]

33 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Kwothe28suggestion was very direct and takes A LOT of confidence.  

 

I dont believe my proposal requires that much confidence. After all, if he cant have courage to say to a woman that they should get drinks, how would he do other things like maybe kissing her or even ask to be in a relationship? 

His fear stands from his inexperience. He needs to experience both success and rejection to know its not really that big of a deal. And the best way to do that is to just ask no matter her response. If he cant do that, he wont get over fear and stand in place forever.

[SC2005]

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont believe my proposal requires that much confidence. After all, if he cant have courage to say to a woman that they should get drinks, how would he do other things like maybe kissing her or even ask to be in a relationship? 

His fear stands from his inexperience. He needs to experience both success and rejection to know its not really that big of a deal. And the best way to do that is to just ask no matter her response. If he cant do that, he wont get over fear and stand in place forever.

You’re right, apart from the first sentence. 

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, SC2005 said:

I really appreciate the words of encouragement, but @yogacat’s message certainly made me think. If I’m too nervous to literally ask to meet I shouldn’t do it. Would I just be super nervous on the date itself? And a million more problems. 

Sometimes just getting over the initial hump is all you need to show those fears and nerves who is boss. I was scared out of my mind, but the moment I did it and realized it wasn't the end of the world, I knew I could do more. And her positive response and feedback made me more comfortable so that any nerves I had faded to the background.

Of course you should do what you feel is right for you. Just don't want you to regret not taking the risk one day.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont believe my proposal requires that much confidence

It's confident in that you didn't really "ask" her out.  You "told" her YOU would like to take her out on a specific day and time.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Hi "her name", I had fun last time and would like to take you out for a coffee on Friday in 5PM".

And expected her to say yes or no.  To what exactly?   There was no question just a direct statement.   

There is a difference between asking and telling.  My opinion anyway.

Your approach of telling her you'd like to take her out versus asking is VERY bold and at least imo takes a lot of confidence.  Some women will go for that bold approach, some won't.

Me?  

I prefer the less bold approach but still direct.  Tell me you'd like to take me out on a specific day and ASK me if I am available on that date.  If I am not, ASK me to give you dates I am available.

I dunno maybe I am reading too much into it and I am certainly NOT faulting you for it!

Just my perspective from a woman's point of view or at least my POV.

It was actually a compliment @Kwothe28.

 

[ShySoul]

By the way, I never had to formally ask anyone out. I never had to be that direct. I just played it by ear and went along with where things were going. It doesn't have to be the pressure of asking for a date. It can just be two friends hanging out. Things always seemed to work out for the best. It would become clear what I should do, I just had to do it.  And there was never any trouble with confidence, as once you sense the feelings are there, you'll be fine.

Don't overthink. Don't make this into something huge. This is just a person wanting to spend time with another person. Happens all the time. Go with the flow and let what happens, happen.

[SC2005]

1 minute ago, ShySoul said:

By the way, I never had to formally ask anyone out. I never had to be that direct. I just played it by ear and went along with where things were going. It doesn't have to be the pressure of asking for a date. It can just be two friends hanging out. Things always seemed to work out for the best. It would become clear what I should do, I just had to do it.  And there was never any trouble with confidence, as once you sense the feelings are there, you'll be fine.

Don't overthink. Don't make this into something huge. This is just a person wanting to spend time with another person. Happens all the time. Go with the flow and let what happens, happen.

This I can already connect with. I can ask her “Hey, do you wanna meet up just us sometime?״. Doesn’t mean I will muster the courage to or even should, but I am capable. The other phrasings are not in the realm of possibility. 
 

But idk, many people here have made me question whether this is even a good idea. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

By the way, I never had to formally ask anyone out. I never had to be that direct. I just played it by ear and went along with where things were going. It doesn't have to be the pressure of asking for a date. It can just be two friends hanging out. Things always seemed to work out for the best. It would become clear what I should do, I just had to do it.  And there was never any trouble with confidence, as once you sense the feelings are there, you'll be fine.

Don't overthink. Don't make this into something huge. This is just a person wanting to spend time with another person. Happens all the time. Go with the flow and let what happens, happen.

^^The path of least resistance.... 😉

 

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^The path of least resistance.... 😉

 

Yup.  And I'd never have ended up dating anyone with that approach after around 8th or 9th grade.  Also if I met a man I was interested in dating and he suggested a hang out I'd have said no unless it was not on a weekend night and as part of a group outing -then I'd have gone and assumed we were both free to meet other people who might actually want to date us.  I didn't have free time to hang out casually with men I'd just met on a weekend night - that was for dating or going places to meet men and/or girls nights/social nights.  I know of a number of couples who met in college without dating - through the dorms or fraternities etc - proximity, hanging out, hooking up -then eventual relationship but as an adult after college (and I went to commuter college and grad school) men asked me out on dates they planned in advance.  I asked men out too and did the same.

OP - I think it's good practice to ask women out on dates, to flirt and show interest (and then ask them out - don't expect another person to read the tea leaves and ask you out).  But the invitation should make it reasonably clear -it's a date not a hangout.

OP my husband when he first asked me to lunch -we were coworkers at the time -was super nervous.  It was obvious.  I wasn't sure it was a date since we worked at the same company and it was during the workday but he wasn't nervous at lunch.