SC2005 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 Me and this girl finished this course, on the last day we didn’t manage to say bye and she messaged me: ״ Im sad we didn't get to say a proper goodbye Even though it's definitely not goodbye😃״ Then I asked if she wants to meet over the break, saying another male friend could come (I didn’t wanna pressure her so have her the option which is defo not a “date”) . She initially just said yess! to meeting up. Now we actually arranged it and she wanted the other guy to come. Throughout the course we talked a lot including quite deeply, and her friend told me she told her she thinks I’m sweet/ cute. She also explicitly told me once that she thinks I’m sweet/cute (can be either in this language). We had to put down friends to be in the next stage of the course, and she didn’t put me down. No idea why. In any case as you can see she’s sending a bunch of mixed signals. She says I’m cute, says “it’s definitely not goodbye”, but doesn’t put my name down for people she wants and doesn’t push to meet 1:1. I wanna ask for a neutral opinion: is there any chance she likes me, if so why didn’t she put me down and why doesn’t she push to meet 1:1? And, is there any point asking her out? Do I have any chance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post yogacat Posted July 16 Popular Post Share Posted July 16 Your first mistake was inviting another guy to hang out with you and the girl. By doing that it showed her that you aren't confident and that you weren't interested in her romantically. If you want to pursue a romantic relationship with her, you need to be clear about your intentions and make an effort to spend time with her one-on-one. You're expecting her to make all the moves and send you clear signals, but you're not doing the same. You can't expect someone to read your mind, you need to be proactive and communicate your feelings and intentions. That's the only way to truly know if she likes you or not. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coily Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 You're just going to have to cut through this being polite unsure game and just ask her out one on one. Seize the opportunity, even if she says no, you will thank yourself later in life doe being bold enough to ask for what you want, which seems to be a date with her. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 No way for us to know. I think plenty of people are cute, even while I’m not romantically interested. By inviting the guy, you sent her the message that you’re only interested in her as part of a friend group—so your behavior is just as passive and as mixed as hers. As for choosing a working group, that’s business, and if I were interested in dating someone, I wouldn’t want him as a distraction in my work group, especially if we might date and not work out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 11 minutes ago, Coily said: You're just going to have to cut through this being polite unsure game and just ask her out one on one. Seize the opportunity, even if she says no, you will thank yourself later in life doe being bold enough to ask for what you want, which seems to be a date with her. 38 minutes ago, yogacat said: Your first mistake was inviting another guy to hang out with you and the girl. By doing that it showed her that you aren't confident and that you weren't interested in her romantically. If you want to pursue a romantic relationship with her, you need to be clear about your intentions and make an effort to spend time with her one-on-one. You're expecting her to make all the moves and send you clear signals, but you're not doing the same. You can't expect someone to read your mind, you need to be proactive and communicate your feelings and intentions. That's the only way to truly know if she likes you or not. Thank you for the replies. I agree it was a mistake but there is no use dwelling on it. Do I need to ask her out explicitly (do you wanna go on a date with me) or will just asking to meet her 1:1 be making my intentions clear enough? And back to the initial question- do I even have a shot based on what I’ve presented? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 4 minutes ago, catfeeder said: No way for us to know. I think plenty of people are cute, even while I’m not romantically interested. By inviting the guy, you sent her the message that you’re only interested in her as part of a friend group—so your behavior is just as passive and as mixed as hers. As for choosing a working group, that’s business, and if I were interested in dating someone, I wouldn’t want him as a distraction in my work group, especially if we might date and not work out. I told her “with (friend’s name) too, or just us, idm”. She’s the one who chose the option of not meeting 1:1. Does that still send the signal I’m only interested in her as a “friend”? How do I fix this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 1 hour ago, SC2005 said: Do I need to ask her out explicitly (do you wanna go on a date with me) or will just asking to meet her 1:1 be making my intentions clear enough? And back to the initial question- do I even have a shot based on what I’ve presented? I think you have a shot. I'm also a believer in clarity so unless you ask her to do something classic like have dinner you would be better served using the word "date" when you make plans so she knows exactly what this is, instead of trying to guess whether it's hang out or just friends. Perhaps she didn't pick you as a classmate for the next part of the assignment because she likes you. When she thought you didn't like her that way since you invited the other friend along, she wanted some distance to save face & protect her heart. Look at it from her perspective: if she wanted to date you but you weren't interested being around you for the next course would be painful. She'd be longing for somebody she can't have & possibly have front row seat to a new relationship you were having. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 18 minutes ago, TeeDee said: I think you have a shot. I'm also a believer in clarity so unless you ask her to do something classic like have dinner you would be better served using the word "date" when you make plans so she knows exactly what this is, instead of trying to guess whether it's hang out or just friends. Perhaps she didn't pick you as a classmate for the next part of the assignment because she likes you. When she thought you didn't like her that way since you invited the other friend along, she wanted some distance to save face & protect her heart. Look at it from her perspective: if she wanted to date you but you weren't interested being around you for the next course would be painful. She'd be longing for somebody she can't have & possibly have front row seat to a new relationship you were having. Yeah but she didn’t put be down *before* I made the idiotic move of mentioning the friend. Any other ideas? Could she still just not like me even though she said she’s sad we didn’t say bye and that it’s “definitely not goodbye”? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeDee Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 Anything is possible but from what you wrote she seems flirty enough. If you ask & she says no thanks, at least you had the courage to try. Any temporary sting that rejection will cause is still better than wringing your hands, dithering, doing nothing & the spending the rest of your life regretting the fact that you didn't give it a shot. We regret more in life the things we don't try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 4 hours ago, SC2005 said: And back to the initial question- do I even have a shot based on what I’ve presented? Here's a little tip. Unless the woman is showing signs that she is repulsed by you or has completely friend-zoned you, never assume that you don't have a chance. A lot of guys lose opportunities with women because they automatically put themselves down and assume they don't have a chance. The best part? If she says no to a one-on-one, you have lost NOTHING. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 Gotta be smooth like exlax....Her: "hey you are cute" You: "If you think I'm so cute, maybe you should go out with me"..."What are you doing after class?" 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 Yes. I mean c'mon step up your game OP. I'd have more respect for you if you would just ask her out rather than playing these games. I would probably have blocked you by now, lol.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 16 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Gotta be smooth like exlax....Her: "hey you are cute" You: "If you think I'm so cute, maybe you should go out with me"..."What are you doing after class?" Or Her: "Hey you're cute"! (I can't envision myself ever saying this to a man I just met but whatever, lol) You: "Yea? What are you gonna do about it"? 😉😆 Make sure you add the emojis so she knows you're teasing. Teasing is fun and indicates an attraction in my experience. Gauge her response and go from there. Ideally, the end result is you ask her out on a date and enjoy!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 7 hours ago, SC2005 said: Then I asked if she wants to meet over the break, saying another male friend could come (I didn’t wanna pressure her so have her the option which is defo not a “date”) But why? You could be smooth and just ask her out but you failed and now you have a friend coming along for a 3rd(or 4th wheel, didnt understand if she brings her friend as well) wheel. You have 3 options: 1) Before the date say friend couldnt make it(say it to the friend as well so he wouldnt rat you out) 2) Go on date without friend and say how he couldnt make it after all(if you think she is going out with you because of friend but then why you would even try anything) 3) Go with friend but tell the friend to invent an excuse and go after a while 7 hours ago, SC2005 said: We had to put down friends to be in the next stage of the course, and she didn’t put me down. No idea why. I dont understand this. What do you mean she didnt put you down? Didnt want you in next stage of the course? What is this? Bachelor? In any case you shouldnt ever involve one more side. I have a story regarding that. My woman friend went out on the drinks with one man. That man brought a friend along. After drinks that friend said to his friend how he likes my friend and wants to try with her. So he backed off and his friend is currently living with my woman friend. Her folks tell that story like its a romantic one but to me it just tells me that her now boyfriend(who I met months after that event) is very much a scum. But hey he has money so my friend parents are in awe of him. My point is, these things happen in dating. If you are interested in somebody dont involve anyone else and try 1:1 even if she rejects you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 8 hours ago, SC2005 said: We had to put down friends to be in the next stage of the course, and she didn’t put me down. No idea why. Perhaps she envisions you as more than a "friend"? Just a thought. Be direct. Take the lead. Ask her out 1:1, you've got nothing to lose except a quick blow to your ego which you should recover from quickly since you barely know her. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Perhaps she envisions you as more than a "friend"? Something to consider. Still doesn’t explain why she wouldn’t put me down … I envisage her as “more” and put her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 38 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: But why? You could be smooth and just ask her out but you failed and now you have a friend coming along for a 3rd(or 4th wheel, didnt understand if she brings her friend as well) wheel. You have 3 options: 1) Before the date say friend couldnt make it(say it to the friend as well so he wouldnt rat you out) 2) Go on date without friend and say how he couldnt make it after all(if you think she is going out with you because of friend but then why you would even try anything) 3) Go with friend but tell the friend to invent an excuse and go after a while I dont understand this. What do you mean she didnt put you down? Didnt want you in next stage of the course? What is this? Bachelor? In any case you shouldnt ever involve one more side. I have a story regarding that. My woman friend went out on the drinks with one man. That man brought a friend along. After drinks that friend said to his friend how he likes my friend and wants to try with her. So he backed off and his friend is currently living with my woman friend. Her folks tell that story like its a romantic one but to me it just tells me that her now boyfriend(who I met months after that event) is very much a scum. But hey he has money so my friend parents are in awe of him. My point is, these things happen in dating. If you are interested in somebody dont involve anyone else and try 1:1 even if she rejects you. The meet-up with the three of us happened. Nothing really significant occurred, we were 1-1 at the end and she just said “we’ll keep talking” before we left. Idk what to do … Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 5 minutes ago, SC2005 said: Still doesn’t explain why she wouldn’t put me down … I envisage her as “more” and put her. That's you though. She is NOT you. She is a completely different person with different reactions etc. I am a woman, if I were interested in dating a man, I would not add him to my "friends" list either. I would wait for HIM to step up and ask me out. I think she's being smart. If she added you, you and she could be in this "friendzone" indefinitely. You'd get lazy and may never ask her out. Take a risk man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 3 minutes ago, SC2005 said: The meet-up with the three of us happened. Nothing really significant occurred, we were 1-1 at the end and she just said “we’ll keep talking” before we left. Idk what to do … Ah OK, I understood that it would happen in future. Well, why dont you shoot her a message and see if she is interested in talking? If she is say that you want to take her out for coffee or drinks but without friend this time. Also, how was she during the meet up? Was she flirty with you? Wanted to ask you questions? Anything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: Ah OK, I understood that it would happen in future. Well, why dont you shoot her a message and see if she is interested in talking? If she is say that you want to take her out for coffee or drinks but without friend this time. Also, how was she during the meet up? Was she flirty with you? Wanted to ask you questions? Anything? Yeah she asked some questions, was pretty normal. We just messaged about something funny we mentioned in the meet up. What if I message her now: ”her name” [reply to “it’s definitely not goodbye] I wasn’t really sure what you meant by this Do you wanna meet up just us sometime? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: That's you though. She is NOT you. She is a completely different person with different reactions etc. I am a woman, if I were interested in dating a man, I would not add him to my "friends" list either. I would wait for HIM to step up and ask me out. I think she's being smart. If she added you, you and she could be in this "friendzone" indefinitely. You'd get lazy and may never ask her out. Take a risk man. It’s not really a friend list - it’s people you wanna be with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 19 minutes ago, SC2005 said: It’s not really a friend list - it’s people you wanna be with. In what capacity? You mean to take the next class/course with? I am confused about what exactly this "friends list" you referred to is. Anyway, it appears you're looking for the "easy" way to spend time with her, the most comfortable with the least amount of effort and risk. I have experienced this and I will be honest. To me, it spelled laziness and fear. Be direct. Take the lead. If you are interested in her as more than a course/classmate or friend, then ASK HER OUT 1:1. Either she says yes or no. None of this diddly dawdling and being her course mate/pseudo friend. It's lazy man there is no other way of saying it. There are no guarantees in dating, in relationships, in LIFE! If you're unable to take a risk then IMO you may as well be living under a rock. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but I read about so many young men in today's dating culture that are seeking some sort of guarantee that a woman is interested before they ask her out. It's seems like it's become a new trend and I don't quite get it. Anyway, said my piece, again good luck whatever you decide. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: In what capacity? You mean to take the next class/course with? I am confused about what exactly this "friends list" you referred to is. Anyway, it appears you're looking for the "easy" way of spending time with her, the most comfortable with the least amount of risk. I have experienced this and I will be honest. To me, it spelled laziness and fear. Be direct. Take the lead. If you are interested in her in more than a course/classmate, then ASK HER OUT 1:1. Either she says yes or no. None of this diddly dawdling and being her course mate. It's lazy man there is no other way of saying it. There are no guarantees in dating, in relationships, in LIFE! If you're unable to take a risk then IMO you may as well live under a rock. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but I read about so many young men in today's dating culture that are seeking some sort of guarantee that a woman is interested before they ask her out. It's seems like it's become a new trend and I don't quite get it. Anyway, said my piece, again good luck whatever you decide. It’s a list of people you wanna be with for the next 4 months. Everyone from the course is going to be separated into smaller groups. In the next 4 months we’re gonna work using what we learned. What do you think of messaging her what I drafted in an earlier post? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 1 minute ago, SC2005 said: It’s a list of people you wanna be with for the next 4 months. You didn't answer my question. In what capacity? As classmates? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SC2005 Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 Just now, rainbowsandroses said: You didn't answer my question. In what capacity? As classmates? We’re in the army. As soldiers in the same company. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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