Should I confess about my affair to my wife?

[chess103]

You can find my original post a few months ago on this same category so I won't rehash everything.

Do you guys/gals think a marriage is truly salvageable if the cheater doesn't tell his wife? Lets just say I try and work on myself and become a better husband by being more attentive and obviously not cheat anymore.

Can this actually work knowing my wife doesn't know? Or do you guys/gals think a true confession in the only way to go? Thanks.

[Capricorn3]

I'm struggling to understand - why would you want stay with her when in your previous thread you talk about how you have no love for her and a huge disconnect etc etc etc.  Why not just set her free and get divorced?

[DarkCh0c0]

23 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I'm struggling to understand - why would you want stay with her when in your previous thread you talk about how you have no love for her and a huge disconnect etc etc etc.  Why not just set her free and get divorced?

He's too comfortable. Divorcing would rock the boat too much for his taste.

[DarkCh0c0]

59 minutes ago, chess103 said:

Lets just say I try and work on myself and become a better husband by being more attentive and obviously not cheat anymore.

You do know that this isn't something only you affect by "working on yourself". She needs to choose if she wants to work on this too.

1 hour ago, chess103 said:

Or do you guys/gals think a true confession in the only way to go?

You need to lay your cards open for her to choose what to do next with the relationship. It takes courage to do this, but you'll be relieved. 

[catfeeder]

Did you ever seek therapy? How about an attorney?

It sounds as though you're so dissatisfied with the status quo, you're positioning to blow up your marriage.

Confessions are all about the confessor. Don't kid yourself that they're in service of the one you're dumping your stuff onto. Once you leave that in your wife's lap, there's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube, and what, exactly do you expect her to do with that information? What would be your actual motive in causing your wife such pain with information she can do nothing about except feel lousy? Are you trying to prompt her to be the one to seek a divorce?

If you want to fix your marriage, discuss counseling with your wife to address the problems that have. broken down your marriage in the first place. The emotional crush was a symptom of a bigger problem rather than the problem itself, but you're using that event to sink all of your stuff into rather than addressing the stuff itself. Another option would be to seek your own therapy to work with someone who is trained to help you. You can make better decisions with better clarity after doing your own work.

 

[Kwothe28]

I thought ethics in high school. Morale of the individual shows a lot about it. For example yours tells about somebody who cheated, and when your mistress found a different SugarDaddy then you decided how you should maybe tell your wife and work on marriage. And not because its the right thing to do, but probably because it would be inconvenience to divorce. 

The answer is "No", you shouldnt tell her. Because you would do it because of the wrong reasons. You are not doing it because you are sorry and that you wont do it again(lets face it, if mistress decides she wants back you would probably take her), but because you want your wife to stay where she is. Instead, you should file for divorce. You are a cheater who doesnt feel no regrets and will probably do it again first chance he gets. Give your poor wife a freedom from that kind of marriage and then do whatever you want with whoever you want.

[chess103]

Yes I am seeking individual counseling and don't have the appointment until Saturday so I wanted to get some insight until that time.

I have not given my all in the marriage, which I admit. I should have addressed these issues before crap got out of hand but here I am. 

I am not trying to force a divorce or whatever someone said. I'm trying to see what is the best way to go about this. 

As far as if the mistress comes back, I 100% cannot say for certain I wouldn't consider taking her back but things got a bit nasty the last time we spoke and I did see a sign of her that I hadn't seen. I know my gut is to stay away. I don't think she's coming back anyways. 

I was just seeing if anyone had ever been in my situation without confessing but able to successfully reconcile their marriage. I would think it may be needed but unwanted pain to put her through is something I don't want to do as well. I'll see what my therapist says. Thanks. 

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here.  I vote for "yes,"  tell your wife the whole truth and then be prepared for divorce because most likely,  she'll want a divorce so both of you can have the freedom and peace you desire. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, chess103 said:

I am not trying to force a divorce or whatever someone said. I'm trying to see what is the best way to go about this. 

Then consider the self-serving message you'd deliver to your spouse, "Things are so bad between us that I opted to betray you and fall for someone else..." That's not a healing message, it's a destructive one.

So consider what you mean by 'best' way to go about this. Go about what? Salvaging your marriage or destroying it?

You can either choose to be loving and kind as you encourage and inspire your wife to work with you to improve your marriage, or you can be destructive and cruel while hiding behind a banner of 'honesty'.  While nobody can predict outcomes, it's not clear what purpose you believe that such a confession would serve.

[yogacat]

Hmm. I have a different take. If you don't tell her, you are robbing her of 3 things that every single person on this planet deserves.

1.  choice - to either forgive you, or dump your a**.

2.  informed decision - she will never be able to have an informed decision knowing that the man she loves cheated on her.

3.  Control - you are taking away her control on her own life. You screwed up, but you AREN'T giving her the control on what she wants to do with that information.

Your job is to rebuild that trust, which cannot happen without her knowing. You CANNOT act like there is nothing wrong, and tell her "hey, btw, I cheated on you once out of shear drunken stupidity, but I swear, I have changed, so can we work this out?" And my friend, God forbid if she ever finds out later. You will become a liar, manipulator and She WILL lose trust.

[redswim30]

5 hours ago, chess103 said:

 

As far as if the mistress comes back, I 100% cannot say for certain I wouldn't consider taking her back but things got a bit nasty the last time we spoke and I did see a sign of her that I hadn't seen. I know my gut is to stay away. I don't think she's coming back anyways. 

I was just seeing if anyone had ever been in my situation without confessing but able to successfully reconcile their marriage. I would think it may be needed but unwanted pain to put her through is something I don't want to do as well. I'll see what my therapist says. Thanks. 

So you're wondering if you should conceal your affair from your wife while at the same time saying you can't say for sure you wouldn't take your mistress back?  Seriously?

There's no such thing as "reconciliation" without a confession.   It's just continuing to lie to your wife because you don't want to face any consequences and are too scared of being alone. 

Come on, man!  Be honest with yourself.  You aren't concerned about her pain.  You've already caused her pain and I repeat- still aren't permanently ruling out the other woman.  You aren't invested in this marriage at all or you would have already told your wife and cut off permanent contact with this other woman. 

This is about YOU, not sparing your wife's feelings.  YOU want to have options because you are realizing that your mistress is a flawed person and you STILL want your wife there as a backup option.  She deserves better than you continuing to lie to her.  You ARE hurting your wife already.  You haven't "spared her" anything. 

You will never be able to move forward if you can't even be honest with yourself. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

There's no such thing as "reconciliation" without a confession.   It's just continuing to lie to your wife because you don't want to face any consequences and are too scared of being alone. 

This^ is a great point.  At first I agreed with what @catfeeder wrote, but after reading some of these insightful responses, including the above and what @yogacatposted, it's a hard call! 

There are risks either way and I think it also comes down to character and integrity (or lack thereof) and what type of man you envision yourself as currently and wish to be going forward.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

And my friend, God forbid if she ever finds out later. You will become a liar, manipulator and She WILL lose trust.

There is a risk she will lose trust IF he chooses to tell her too.  And also her respect. There is no getting around that.

I think instead of focusing on what HER response will be (because in truth you just don't know, it's a risk either way) focus on the type of man you wish to be.

A man with a strong character and integrity who as yoga said does your wife the courtesy of providing her all information and allowing her the choice to stay and work things out or leave OR

A weak self-centered man who hides behind deception and lies with no guilt and essentially no conscience.

Your choice mate.

[ShySoul]

Mistakes are never resolved by avoiding the topic. The only way to get past it is to tackle the subject head on.

If you say nothing you will, in affect, be lying to her for their rest of your life. You will have to live with this secret wearing on you indifinitely. And you run the risk of it being even worse should she ever find out some other way. You will be denying her cornerstones of a healthy relationship - honesty and trust. The cheating is damaging, but it can be worked through. The lies and broken trust are often what does more damage and what people can't get past. At least in owning up to it and offering to atone, you demonstrate remorse and show that you really want to make things better.

In answering a similar post recently I looked up how couples survived cheated. Those who did were more likely to have been honest about everything. They focused on communication and working through all the issues that lead to the affair and how both sides were feeling after. They tried to be as understanding as possible and not judge or blame the either side. They got help as needed and worked to find ways to build trust again and reconnect. None of that is possible if you never admit to what you did.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, chess103 said:

As far as if the mistress comes back, I 100% cannot say for certain I wouldn't consider taking her back but things got a bit nasty the last time we spoke and I did see a sign of her that I hadn't seen. I know my gut is to stay away.

Unless you can get that up to 100% that you will not take her back, it doesn't make for a good sign for the marriage. Regardless if you tell her or not, you need to be completely devoted to your wife and not give into the temptation again. If there is even the slightest doubt in your mind, then it wouldn't be too hard to rationalize doing it again, with this mistress or with another. And if you don't tell her, it makes it even easier to go along with that again. You got away with it once and she never knew, so why not get away with it again, right?

You made a vow, a commitment to your wife. You owe it to her and to yourself to honor that commitment. You can't change the past, but you can own up to it and strive to be better. That starts by rededicating yourself to her and not allowing someone else get in the way again. Be the kind of person you want to be. Do you really want that person to be someone who would lie and cheat?

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

So you're wondering if you should conceal your affair from your wife while at the same time saying you can't say for sure you wouldn't take your mistress back?  Seriously?

Come on, man!  Be honest with yourself.  You aren't concerned about her pain.  You've already caused her pain and I repeat- still aren't permanently ruling out the other woman.  You aren't invested in this marriage at all or you would have already told your wife and cut off permanent contact with this other woman. 

This is about YOU, not sparing your wife's feelings.  YOU want to have options because you are realizing that your mistress is a flawed person and you STILL want your wife there as a backup option.  She deserves better than you continuing to lie to her.  You ARE hurting your wife already.  You haven't "spared her" anything. 

You will never be able to move forward if you can't even be honest with yourself. 

 

^ I second the above post in its entirety and it's worth repeating.  Brilliant post redswim.

OP, if you can't even admit that you're in it for your own very very selfish reasons then all hope is lost.  Claiming to try and spare your wife's feeling and in the same breath state that you would probably take the mistress back ........ Really?  You don't care about anyone but yourself.  This is ALL about YOU.  Own up and tell it like it is: Selfish to the core.  Hopefully your therapist can get through to you.

[lostandhurt]

Perhaps your wife already knows and has been secretly working on a divorce or maybe she knows and is waiting to see if you come clean on your own.

  I know you do not want to loose half your stuff and pay her alimony but what kind of life is this for either of you?

 Since your gf left pissed at you there is a good chance she wants to tear down your world by outing you to your wife sooner or later.

 My advice:  Go see the therapist and figure out IF you should be married to anyone and/or if you are even capable of being a good and faithful husband.  If it isn't within you then please don't tell your wife and divorce her in the most caring and generous manner possible.  Since you are a cheater  I know you cannot even fathom the pain your betrayal will cause her but it will be severe so don't put her through that.  Also don't tell her to unburden your quilt, you made your bed you lay in it all alone.

 Lost 

[redswim30]

13 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Perhaps your wife already knows and has been secretly working on a divorce or maybe she knows and is waiting to see if you come clean on your own.

  I know you do not want to loose half your stuff and pay her alimony but what kind of life is this for either of you?

 Since your gf left pissed at you there is a good chance she wants to tear down your world by outing you to your wife sooner or later.

 My advice:  Go see the therapist and figure out IF you should be married to anyone and/or if you are even capable of being a good and faithful husband.  If it isn't within you then please don't tell your wife and divorce her in the most caring and generous manner possible.  Since you are a cheater  I know you cannot even fathom the pain your betrayal will cause her but it will be severe so don't put her through that.  Also don't tell her to unburden your quilt, you made your bed you lay in it all alone.

 Lost 

^ I agree! 

OP, you have to make a CHOICE.   Either- as Lost suggests, divorce your wife and do not put her through all the gory details.  Which is what I'd also recommend at this point to you since you've made it plain through your words and continued choices that you are not in love with nor are you invested in your wife.  This woman does NOT deserve to be around simply as a buffer to you being alone when you know full well you aren't in love with her and would leave her in a heartbeat if your GF said the word.  IMVHO, this is most kind and respectful thing you can do for your wife in this situation.  Release her so she can find someone who truly loves her and as invested in her as you are in your mistress.  (PLEASE be honest that you are not even a LITTLE invested in your wife.  You are only holding on out of fear for YOURSELF, not love of HER)

OR- you decide you DO want to save your marriage. Actually save it, not some fantasy in your head in which you can deny everything that has happened and just expect things to magically change for the better.  Failure to own up to or face consequences for mistakes, only encourages you to repeat the same mistake.  You tell your wife everything, you cut off ALL and PERMANENT contact with your mistress.  You allow your wife the decision to either work on things TOGETHER or to divorce you.  

What I BEG you to not do is to keep spinning the wheels as they are.  You are not 'saving your marriage' while still keeping another woman around as an option and then running back to your security blanket wife under the pretense of "fixing things" anytime you hit a rough patch with your girlfriend.  Please don't hold your wife hostage in this marriage.  That's not love or even friendship.  

MAKE A DECISION.   Also, as others have pointed out-  If you don't make a decision on your own, one of these other women may make it FOR you in a MUCH messier way.   You choose how this goes, by your own action or inaction.  But don't expect you can carry on with this forever and think one of these women won't eventually do something.  You need to decide how this ends.  But it will eventually, through your hand or one of theirs.  This will not end in you and your wife living in blissful ignorance forever with this hanging over you both.  

[tattoobunnie]

If you don't tell her, when she does find out, which she will or already has, she will always have to question anything that comes out of your mouth.  Have some integrity, and be accountable for your choices.