I'm at an all time low

[lsuckAtThis]

So a couple weeks ago my girlfriend and I of 11 years split up, which makes it the 3rd time. I take some accountability for this last breakup, as I'm aware I couldn't handle what I thought I could. So I believe what I was struggling with, that I will get to later, contributed to the way I was communicating or lack of. 

I lost my father mid June of 2023, a couple days before fathers day. My birthday is in the beginning of June, his last text to me was a happy birthday text. A few months after he passed, my mother was going through his phone deleting everything so she could deactivate it. Luckily she didn't know how to do a factory reset and she came across a note from my father, his last goodbye to all of us. So it was clear to us he did know, just didn't say anything to anybody. The last time I saw my father alive was in mid May 2023, they live three hours away. We all knew something was wrong with him as he was having issues with his shoulder but we never thought it would be cancer, but he knew. His doctor wanted to get him in to get a biopsy done but he said no because he has a lot going on, him and my mother had a planned cruise, he had his granddaughters (my niece) college graduation and he told his doctor he'll get it done later.

So my birthday comes this year and I'm reading my dad and I's text conversations, and now I'm starting to add it all up and feeling guilty. My dad is the one that reached out to me about getting together in May when they came back from their cruise. He texted me in April asking if my girlfriend and I wanted to come down for a few days and use the Blackstone griddle I got him for Christmas because he hasn't used it yet and wants to break it in with me. I talked to my girlfriend about it and she said sure, so we took a few days off or work and planned it so I told my dad we'll be down. He said great and not to let mom know because he wants to keep it a surprise. 

Three weeks after that I text him asking if his shoulder feels any better, he says "no they said 6-8 weeks and it's only been 3 weeks". I just said "oh ok". Why didn't I ask 6-8 weeks for what. He passed 5 weeks after that text. When he sent that text in April about coming and visiting, that's when his doctor told him he had 6-8 weeks to live. 

I thought I was doing good accepting that he is gone, and that it is apart of life but I can't accept that I am now just seeing he was trying to tell me he was dying and I didn't ask questions. I have been beating myself up over this and am living in a great deal of regret. 

There is a post here I made when I broke up with my girlfriend, and about a week after that I have told her all of this. She said she did have a feeling it wasn't looking good when he wanted us to come down there in May. My girlfriend and I were doing very good on communication up to this point, as I told her it is no excuse but I believe we could have handled our argument a lot better if I was in the right state of mind, and she agreed. Her and I did get together for a couple hours this past Saturday to talk some more, but it was pretty much our last goodbye. I can't help to feel that she bailed on me when I need her the most but I do take some accountability for shutting down on her. 

So now I am all alone and grieving two losses all over again. I have no close friends anymore, my ex was my best friend. I had a best friend for almost 15 years, but cut ties with him. About 8 months ago I was reaching out to him to talk over the phone, but he doesn't like talking on the phone. Then started to be very late in my text so I asked him why it felt like he was ignoring me, he just said "I hate talking on the phone". Then asked why I was calling him, I said because I wanted someone to talk to and get together because I was struggling with the loss of my father. He did apologize and said he forgot about my father. That cut pretty deep so I haven't talked to him since. I have another best friend of almost 20 years, but haven't seen him in three years. My father actually go a hold of him for my 40th birthday, during that time my ex and I weren't together. Him and I did have a talk and he told me I'm always his best friend we just picked different paths in life. He has a family and three kids and every weekend has something going on with his kids. Completely understandable. 

I'm in a dark place.       

[TeeDee]

I am so sorry.  The loss of a parent can be devastating.  I was a mess for several years after my parents died.  

Would you consider therapy or a grief support group?  If you don't have the support system of friends you need somebody.  

What are you doing for any self care?  Do you exercise?  enjoy a hobby?   You have to find something to keep your brain occupied.  

[lsuckAtThis]

1 minute ago, TeeDee said:

I am so sorry.  The loss of a parent can be devastating.  I was a mess for several years after my parents died.  

Would you consider therapy or a grief support group?  If you don't have the support system of friends you need somebody.  

What are you doing for any self care?  Do you exercise?  enjoy a hobby?   You have to find something to keep your brain occupied.  

Thank you. I have been looking for a therapist in my network, but so far all only offer virtual therapy. I rather go and actually sit and talk to someone.

I do exercise, been lifting weights for about 20 years, and just recently went back to the gym about a month ago. After my fathers death, I tried going back but found no enjoyment it in so I stopped going. Which was adding to my depression, just watching my body deteriorate, falling off my diet and eating whatever I want. For almost a year I kept telling myself "I'll start going next week". Another thing I enjoy, or used to enjoy doing was playing video games but now I can't be bothered. It doesn't turn my brain off like it used to. Since the beginning of June I'm having a difficult time shutting my brain off. Nothing but what ifs, should have and could haves play over and over. 

 

[TeeDee]

Depression is like that.  There's no joy.  You don't want to do anything but to the extent that you can force yourself to even go for a walk, that can help. 

It's going to take some time to stop the what if game.  I was with my father at the end but I beat myself up thinking that I missed something & if I had gotten him to different doctors earlier this may have been preventable but the reality is he would have simply died sooner & missed out on some important things like seeing his sister one more time. 

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, lsuckAtThis said:

I can't accept that I am now just seeing he was trying to tell me he was dying and I didn't ask questions. I have been beating myself up over this and am living in a great deal of regret. 

You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. That is all that any of us can do. It is always easy to go back after the fact and figure out all the hints and possible signs we may have missed. But there is no way you could have known for sure. We also rarely expect death to happen to those close to us, so why would you have been looking for it? Usually we are focused on the day to day responsibilities of living. And that's how it should be, focused on making things good here and now. 

It also sounds like your father didn't want the help or extra attention. He could have told everyone all the details, made a point to clue you in on what he was going through. But I'll take a guess he didn't want to worry or stress anyone. He probably just wanted to see everyone again they way it had always been. He wanted things to be casual, relaxed and fun. If he had suspected his condition and told everyone, there would have been worry or anxiety, a black cloud of things. If he was going to go, it would be on his terms having had one last happy experience with his family.

My father passed away two days after Christmas, the morning I was scheduled to head back home. He had spent a couple weeks in the hospital but had just been cleared and was going to go home the next day. Death can be sudden and even when we see all the signs and think its under control, there is nothing we can do about it. 

It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have changed things if it was simply his time. Beating yourself up about doesn't change or help anything. And it is the last thing your father would have wanted. If you can't find motivation to do things for you, do it for him. Find joy in living and doing the things that you like to do. It is what he would have wanted for you.

 

[ShySoul]

Also, don't give up on reaching out to your friends. Life keeps us busy and it is easy to forget about each other or lose contact. But that doesn't mean you don't care about each any less or aren't still friends. Even if you can't get together in person or can only talk every once in awhile, it is still important to make the effort, to have that support system and people who make you feel loved. A quick phone call, text, Zoom, Facetime, email.... there are plenty of ways to stay in touch these days. Find something that works for you.

Best of luck. I've been at dark lows before. But there is always a light that can pull us up out of it. I hope you can find that.

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I am so sorry.  The loss of a parent can be devastating.  I was a mess for several years after my parents died.  

Would you consider therapy or a grief support group?  If you don't have the support system of friends you need somebody.  

What are you doing for any self care?  Do you exercise?  enjoy a hobby?   You have to find something to keep your brain occupied.  

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I second the above. ^

Keep trying for grief counseling/grief support.  Also, see a doctor for a full check-up and maybe anti-depressant medication to help take the edge off, and get a referral to a counselor/therapist.  Sometimes this kind of grief and depression really needs professional help and there's no shame in that.  I wish you well.

 

[catfeeder]

Trained, professional virtual help is better than no help at all. 

Try contacting local hospitals for a referral to a grief support group.

My heart goes out to you.

[ShySoul]

Help is important, as is having someone who can relate and emotionally connect with. 

But also realize that therapy or seeking professional help is not necessarily the cure it can be made out to be. I've actually seen therapy hurt people more then help them. If you go that route, make sure it is the right help or group for you. Don't feel bad if you aren't comfortable, as it takes the right fit to really help and you might not find that fit right away (or on the 2nd, 3rd, etc times). 

In the end, this is about you feeling better about your life and yourself. The person who will ultimately do that is you. You know yourself best, you know what you need. So pursue the thing that you believe will make you happiest.

Thinking of you.