Seraphim Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 44 years ago I was sexually abused and mistreated by my dad’s family member. Both my mom and my dad had very critical lapses in judgment which caused this to occur. Since then my mom has been over compensating for her horrendous lack in judgment by “ helping and protecting “ I am almost 58 years old and I don’t need the “ help and protecting” I can’t get her to stop no matter how I say it . I am in total despair today as I dearly love my mom but our relationship is at risk of blowing up. I see this as a “ her “ issue. I have had tons of therapy and I personally am really ok. She hasn’t had any therapy for ANY trauma in her life ever of which she has had many. She has always over compensated but I honestly don’t need to be protected . I really really need help . I have tried the kind way but it isn’t working yesterday I was very very very blunt , the sledgehammer way and she just keeps at it telling me how to do EVERYTHING because she is “ helping.” Personally I think it all stems from 1980 when she realized she seriously messed up her responsibilities to her kids . She can’t forgive herself . I already have forgiven her long ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 Have you asked her whether she'd like to know how she can be of assistance to you? I mean I'm sure there are times she can help without being smothering -just like give her something to do. Does she care to know what would genuinely help you? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: Have you asked her whether she'd like to know how she can be of assistance to you? I mean I'm sure there are times she can help without being smothering -just like give her something to do. Does she care to know what would genuinely help you? I have told her when I need help seriously I will ask. We have segregated jobs in the house etc which is fine . It is she wants to tell me how to do EVERYTHING because she knows a “ better way.” It makes me feel like a bumbling idiot . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 You gotta be assertive and enforce boundaries by being strict. Think of "parenting-up". And sometimes you have to pick your battle and ignore her behaviour. The frustration you have towards her... Can you let it out via a sport? Activity? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 5 minutes ago, Seraphim said: I have told her when I need help seriously I will ask. We have segregated jobs in the house etc which is fine . It is she wants to tell me how to do EVERYTHING because she knows a “ better way.” It makes me feel like a bumbling idiot . Can you say "I feel very badly when you speak to me that way. I know you want to help. Speaking to me that way makes me feel badly! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 2 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Can you say "I feel very badly when you speak to me that way. I know you want to help. Speaking to me that way makes me feel badly! Yup, I have said too and she says , “ not everything is about YOU because I tell you how to do something “ I am left going 🧐 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: You gotta be assertive and enforce boundaries by being strict. Think of "parenting-up". And sometimes you have to pick your battle and ignore her behaviour. The frustration you have towards her... Can you let it out via a sport? Activity? Oh I told her yesterday very rudely and in her face to back off and I will ask you for damn help if I need it and I am not a kumquat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 15 minutes ago, Seraphim said: I really really need help . I have tried the kind way but it isn’t working yesterday I was very very very blunt , the sledgehammer way and she just keeps at it telling me how to do EVERYTHING because she is “ helping.” Have you thought that she is maybe like it is and that it has nothing to do with your trauma? Old people, especially ones who were naturally like that, tend to be a bit "narcissistic" on the side. Meaning "know it all" who are "my way or the high way". Old age doesnt help in that because they already passed the whole life like that and it just reassured them in their beliefs. For example, I told my dad how I need to call repair man tomorrow because my sink got clogged. He said how I should do it myself. Even though the repair man comes with the machine, unclogs the sink, and takes like 10 dollars for that. I dont have a machine, dunno how I would even do it myself lol What I am trying to say to you is that its too late to change old people. You would wish she would go to therapy. I would be surprised your old mom even believes in therapy at all and doesnt think they are just hacks. You cant change somebody like that. You can just live with it the best you can. Meaning to say to her that you are doing it your way and thats it. Its your mistake that you decided to live with her now after all that time. Unless you want to send her to nursing home, dont think you would get your peace and will just have to learn to live with that. Sorry. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: Have you thought that she is maybe like it is and that it has nothing to do with your trauma? Old people, especially ones who were naturally like that, tend to be a bit "narcissistic" on the side. Meaning "know it all" who are "my way or the high way". Old age doesnt help in that because they already passed the whole life like that and it just reassured them in their beliefs. For example, I told my dad how I need to call repair man tomorrow because my sink got clogged. He said how I should do it myself. Even though the repair man comes with the machine, unclogs the sink, and takes like 10 dollars for that. I dont have a machine, dunno how I would even do it myself lol What I am trying to say to you is that its too late to change old people. You would wish she would go to therapy. I would be surprised your old mom even believes in therapy at all and doesnt think they are just hacks. You cant change somebody like that. You can just live with it the best you can. Meaning to say to her that you are doing it your way and thats it. Its your mistake that you decided to live with her now after all that time. Unless you want to send her to nursing home, dont think you would get your peace and will just have to learn to live with that. Sorry. I think I am just going to have to ignore her when she starts because it is causing bitter resentment on both sides. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 1 minute ago, Seraphim said: I think I am just going to have to ignore her when she starts because it is causing bitter resentment on both sides. I think its a good idea. Because its a best course of action for inner peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 Minimize contact in all forms including in person, electronically such a phone, text, emails, etc. The less the better. Learn to walk away. Either people behave and they get to be with you or misbehave and you have better things to do than listen to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said: Minimize contact in all forms including in person, electronically such a phone, text, emails, etc. The less the better. Learn to walk away. Either people behave and they get to be with you or misbehave and you have better things to do than listen to them. She lives in my house with me now. We took her in because she was running out of money and has several severe mobility difficulties and mostly deaf. So I can’t avoid her at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 1 hour ago, Seraphim said: Oh I told her yesterday very rudely and in her face to back off and I will ask you for damn help if I need it and I am not a kumquat. Yes. That's good. Can you remind yourself that she behaves as much as she's capable of? Asking her for more is asking her for something she doesn't have sometimes. It's like asking for water from an empty cup. Otherwise, can you limit contact in the house? Go on walks to get some space? Can you send her to some senior-friendly activity now and then? I'm just brainstorming. I totally relate with you as mine is a similar lady, and I have to employ different tools to help. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 Just now, DarkCh0c0 said: Yes. That's good. Can you remind yourself that she behaves as much as she's capable of? Asking her for more is asking her for something she doesn't have sometimes. It's like asking for water from an empty cup. Otherwise, can you limit contact in the house? Go on walks to get some space? Can you send her to some senior-friendly activity now and then? I'm just brainstorming. I totally relate with you as mine is a similar lady, and I have to employ different tools to help. Yes, for sure she may not be capable to changing this behaviour but the gall and rub is that she expects MUCH MUCH more from me and expects me to change every behaviour or whatever it is she doesn’t like I’m expected to change it because you know I know you’re so vastly intelligent that you should be able to do that. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 1 minute ago, Seraphim said: Yes, for sure she may not be capable to changing this behaviour but the gall and rub is that she expects MUCH MUCH more from me and expects me to change every behaviour or whatever it is she doesn’t like I’m expected to change it because you know I know you’re so vastly intelligent that you should be able to do that. 🙄🙄🙄 Ughhh She gets on your nerves, doesn't she... She keeps on giving that same instruction that insinuates "you're not enough. Be more fill in the blanks" we get since we've been children. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Ughhh She gets on your nerves, doesn't she... She keeps on giving that same instruction that insinuates "you're not enough. Be more fill in the blanks" we get since we've been children. The message is you’re never right but you’re so vastly intelligent because well… you’re like me but please change this and this and this and this …. she even had to comment on how my husband and I interact because well I am not helping him to everything he is doing so you know we can’t be that great together. ( says the woman who was married 3 times) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 18 minutes ago, Seraphim said: she even had to comment on how my husband and I interact because well I am not helping him to everything he is doing so you know we can’t be that great together. ( says the woman who was married 3 times) Oh my god. She is definitely projecting, but she needs to mind her own business. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Oh my god. She is definitely projecting, but she needs to mind her own business. Yup, I told my husband and he rolled his eyes and said we get along just fine and if I wanted help doing things I would ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 Oh, Seraphim, my heart goes out to you. I can so relate. I'm in the midst of an elderly mother thing myself. I've noticed that when I take a hardline approach with Mom, it only hurts ME. I don't 'like' myself speaking to her that way, and so I've gone opposite. I humor her, but this has its advantages. I thank her, and I welcome her to take over any job she believes I'm doing 'wrong'. So those are my rules of engagement: I either do it my way, OR, she can offer to do it her way--in which case, she'll need to finish the job herself. If she wants me to stick around while she shows me (as opposed to just telling me) then I'll be patient while she demonstrates the differences, and then I'll thank her and tell her I'll consider her way next time, and then I'll walk off to let her finish the work. As for interference in my personal dealings with others, I just say, "Thanks, Mom, I'll consider that." Then I go about my business, my way. "Thanks, Mom, I'll consider that..." is an effective mantra. it requires no buy in, no emotion, no effort, and it can move me along without pain or strain. Head high, darling. You can do this. Someday you'll reflect on these moments, and it's best not to behave in ways you wish you could take back and do differently after she's gone. ((((Big HUG))) 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 9 minutes ago, catfeeder said: Oh, Seraphim, my heart goes out to you. I can so relate. I'm in the midst of an elderly mother thing myself. I've noticed that when I take a hardline approach with Mom, it only hurts ME. I don't 'like' myself speaking to her that way, and so I've gone opposite. I humor her, but this has its advantages. I thank her, and I welcome her to take over any job she believes I'm doing 'wrong'. So those are my rules of engagement: I either do it my way, OR, she can offer to do it her way--in which case, she'll need to finish the job herself. If she wants me to stick around while she shows me (as opposed to just telling me) then I'll be patient while she demonstrates the differences, and then I'll thank her and tell her I'll consider her way next time, and then I'll walk off to let her finish the work. As for interference in my personal dealings with others, I just say, "Thanks, Mom, I'll consider that." Then I go about my business, my way. "Thanks, Mom, I'll consider that..." is an effective mantra. it requires no buy in, no emotion, no effort, and it can move me along without pain or strain. Head high, darling. You can do this. Someday you'll reflect on these moments, and it's best not to behave in ways you wish you could take back and do differently after she's gone. ((((Big HUG))) I will give it a try. She just makes it so hard. A few weeks ago I accidentally overheard her talking to a friend about how “ mean I am to her “ and how lovely I am to others and how my family and friends adore me and say I am so wonderful and kind but I am horrible to her and she wonders what is wrong with “ me”. ( meaning me )Her friend is a social worker. Just today as she surfaced from her illness she asks the cat how he is now that mummy ( me is home) and says I know your mom wishes I was dead…😵💫😵💫😵💫😳😳a bit dramatic aren’t we ??? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 10 minutes ago, Seraphim said: I will give it a try. She just makes it so hard. A few weeks ago I accidentally overheard her talking to a friend about how “ mean I am to her “ and how lovely I am to others and how my family and friends adore me and say I am so wonderful and kind but I am horrible to her and she wonders what is wrong with “ me”. ( meaning me )Her friend is a social worker. Just today as she surfaced from her illness she asks the cat how he is now that mummy ( me is home) and says I know your mom wishes I was dead…😵💫😵💫😵💫😳😳a bit dramatic aren’t we ??? Insufferable.... Sigh. Everyone else at home is the problem, right? 11 minutes ago, Seraphim said: says I know your mom wishes I was dead… Mine says it to our face! She also loves to threaten us with taking her own life when we don't fall for her BS and she gets desperate 😤 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Insufferable.... Sigh. Everyone else at home is the problem, right? Mine says it to our face! She also loves to threaten us with taking her own life when we don't fall for her BS and she gets desperate 😤 And I am ALWAYS wrong . ALWAYS. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 8 minutes ago, Seraphim said: And I am ALWAYS wrong . ALWAYS I feel for you. I'm sorry it's like this. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 52 minutes ago, Seraphim said: I will give it a try. She just makes it so hard. A few weeks ago I accidentally overheard her talking to a friend about how “ mean I am to her “ and how lovely I am to others and how my family and friends adore me and say I am so wonderful and kind but I am horrible to her and she wonders what is wrong with “ me”. ( meaning me )Her friend is a social worker. Just today as she surfaced from her illness she asks the cat how he is now that mummy ( me is home) and says I know your mom wishes I was dead…😵💫😵💫😵💫😳😳a bit dramatic aren’t we ??? Of course she knows how to press your buttons, she installed them. You get to decide how much investment you want to give that stuff. You'll learn whether her tune changes or not by giving her the cheerful "Thank you, Mom, I'll consider that..." treatment, but if not, then you can be satisfied to know that she enjoys her victim role and martyr routine no matter what you do, so you best dis-invest in outcomes and keep things pleasant for both of you. My Mom loves to barb and jab, especially in front of others or 'about me' to others, and you know what I do? Laugh and shrug with a knowing glance to whoever wants to witness the nonsense. Beyond that, it's no skin off my back because I've chosen my approach and I'm sticking to it. No taking the bait for me, thank you, and have a nice day. (heh-heh!) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 2 minutes ago, catfeeder said: Of course she knows how to press your buttons, she installed them. You get to decide how much investment you want to give that stuff. You'll learn whether her tune changes or not by giving her the cheerful "Thank you, Mom, I'll consider that..." treatment, but if not, then you can be satisfied to know that she enjoys her victim role and martyr routine no matter what you do, so you best dis-invest in outcomes and keep things pleasant for both of you. My Mom loves to barb and jab, especially in front of others or 'about me' to others, and you know what I do? Laugh and shrug with a knowing glance to whoever wants to witness the nonsense. Beyond that, it's no skin off my back because I've chosen my approach and I'm sticking to it. No taking the bait for me, thank you, and have a nice day. (heh-heh!) That is it , exactly , she knows how to rev my buttons and then pleads innocence and “ trying to help.” Her mother was the same . I will try what you suggest. She always says to me, but you’re so nice to your own son, you’re never snippy to him and nice 99.9% of the time . I always smile and say, yup I am successful at my primary job. 😁 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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