Caught my boyfriend watching porn while I was asleep

[yogacat]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What is important is what mimikyu wants in her relationship. If she doesn't want porn involved, then porn shouldn't be involved. The right person for her will respect that and feel the same way. If they don't, they aren't right for her. They are free to be with someone who is ok with it.

I agree with this.

Albeit, in the beginning of her relationship, she asked him if he watched porn. When he said yes, she expressed that it was a turn off for her and not something she wanted in a relationship. He agreed with her perspective and stated that he is only interested in her, so she felt comfortable asking him to stop watching it.

Mistake on both their parts.

This would lead me to believe that she feels that IF her boyfriend self-pleasures to other images or fantasies besides her, that she feels she is not enough for him or that he is not fully invested in their relationship:

On 7/14/2024 at 6:45 AM, Mimikyu said:

A girl who looked absolutely nothing like me with a completely different body type. I started crying and had to leave.

I'm just wondering where that belief stems from.

Is it due to past experiences or media influences? Is she not comfortable with her body type?

I suppose this is part of a broader issue in that media images of unrealistic women can make women of different body types feel not good enough.

Aside from pornography, it's important to have faith in her boyfriend's decision to be with her. If she can't trust that, there are deeper underlying problems that need to be addressed.

It's not fair for her to ask her boyfriend to stop doing something that is a part of human sexuality for some. However, it's also not fair for her boyfriend to agree to stop and then continue to watch it behind her back. 

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

Is it due to past experiences or media influences? Is she not comfortable with her body type?

I suppose this is part of a broader issue in that media images of unrealistic women can make women of different body types feel not good enough.

There's also the idea that if he is with her and is supposedly attracted to her, then why is he looking at/having fantasies about someone completely different? It calls into question if he is attracted to her or if she is enough for him. When you have someone you are with and tell them all the usual things such as how beautiful they are, it can seem unsettling when they are suddenly into the exact opposite of you.

She seemed to be finding a lot of things about him weren't what she had thought were true. Questioning his tastes or preferences seems to go along with this.

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

It's not fair for her to ask her boyfriend to stop doing something that is a part of human sexuality for some. However, it's also not fair for her boyfriend to agree to stop and then continue to watch it behind her back. 

Think that's the crux of it all. No one should have to change themselves for someone else. You change your behavior if it is something that is truly important to you. But once you agree to something, you stick with it. 

She made a request up front and was honest about how she felt on the topic. He went along with it. If he had a problem with it, he should have said something then. By agreeing to it and then hiding it, he only made things worse and hurt her more.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

There's also the idea that if he is with her and is supposedly attracted to her, then why is he looking at/having fantasies about someone completely different? It calls into question if he is attracted to her or if she is enough for him. When you have someone you are with and tell them all the usual things such as how beautiful they are, it can seem unsettling when they are suddenly into the exact opposite of you.

She seemed to be finding a lot of things about him weren't what she had thought were true. Questioning his tastes or preferences seems to go along with this.

Because people are complex and can be attracted to different things at different times. It is not realistic to expect someone to only be attracted to one type of person or appearance for their entire life. While it may be uncomfortable to think about, it is important to remember that attraction is not a choice and does not necessarily reflect on the feelings or commitment one has towards their partner.

It doesn't mean he is going to go out and cheat on her or leave her for someone else. Attraction and fantasy are completely normal and healthy experiences.

Attraction and fantasy are not actions.

I'm surprised that this is even a discussion point or concern.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It doesn't mean he is going to go out and cheat on her or leave her for someone else. Attraction and fantasy are completely normal and healthy experiences.

Attraction and fantasy are not actions.

I'm surprised that this is even a discussion point or concern.

^^Spot on especially bolded.  

[ShySoul]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Because people are complex and can be attracted to different things at different times. It is not realistic to expect someone to only be attracted to one type of person or appearance for their entire life. While it may be uncomfortable to think about, it is important to remember that attraction is not a choice and does not necessarily reflect on the feelings or commitment one has towards their partner.

It doesn't mean he is going to go out and cheat on her or leave her for someone else. Attraction and fantasy are completely normal and healthy experiences.

Attraction and fantasy are not actions.

I'm surprised that this is even a discussion point or concern.

I agree. But logically understanding that and emotionally understanding that can be two very different things. 

For some people it's a lot harder to separate the emotional aspects of sex from the physical ones. Mimi seems like one of those people. For her, or those of a similar mindset, it feels like cheating. If he really was in love with her, then wouldn't his attraction and fantasy be about her? Or at least someone like her and not her opposite?

Not saying there is anything wrong with being attracted to multiple types of people. Not saying fantasy is necessarily wrong. Just pointing out how I think she may have felt about things, as I can see myself having a similar reaction. At this point, think it's agreed that they just weren't right for each other.

Maybe I'm just odd though. I think I have been basically attracted to the same kind of person my whole life. And I'm sure that once the right person has entered my life, I'm only going to be attracted one type of appearance - theres.

[yogacat]

8 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

I agree. But logically understanding that and emotionally understanding that can be two very different things. 

For some people it's a lot harder to separate the emotional aspects of sex from the physical ones. Mimi seems like one of those people. For her, or those of a similar mindset, it feels like cheating. If he really was in love with her, then wouldn't his attraction and fantasy be about her? Or at least someone like her and not her opposite?

Not saying there is anything wrong with being attracted to multiple types of people. Not saying fantasy is necessarily wrong. Just pointing out how I think she may have felt about things, as I can see myself having a similar reaction. At this point, think it's agreed that they just weren't right for each other.

Maybe I'm just odd though. I think I have been basically attracted to the same kind of person my whole life. And I'm sure that once the right person has entered my life, I'm only going to be attracted one type of appearance - theres.

I mean, I get what you're saying.

I have been so head over heals for someone that nothing pulled my attention in any other direction.

But I also know that masturbation is pretty key to survival for couples in ltrs and that even when in a good relationship one is likely to fantasize about some things that likely aren't any thing near the real person one loves.

It's a funny dance but understandable and not necessarily to hurt the partner or even a lack in desire for the partner.

But for people like Mimi, it may not be as easy to separate those emotional and physical aspects. It may feel like a personal rejection or a lack of attraction towards them, especially if they are not comfortable with their partner watching porn in general. And that’s okay, because everyone’s boundaries and comfort levels are different in relationships.

I think I would be more attuned to Mimi if her boyfriend had an ongoing history of rejecting being intimate with her and chose porn instead, then I might be able to get on board, but it sounds like she actually confronted him and he was very open and up front with her about his feelings on the subject.

I can only go off of what Mimi shared with us, but it doesn’t really sound like there’s an issue other than this - perhaps it’s been shored up by her own insecurities, perhaps by something else entirely, but ultimately if you aren’t comfortable with someone being attracted to other people in a fleeting moment and you don’t think you can get comfortable with it, then you just aren’t compatible because attraction happens and people are attracted to other people so it’s pretty hard to avoid.

The reality of being in a relationship is that we choose to not act on that attraction and because the relationship we are in is what we truly want, we choose to stay loyal because it feels right, not because we are forced to or ego/whatever.

So if having someone in my life that finds other people attractive from time to time, I have to own that it’s my problem and I’ve got some growing to do within myself as much as I feel icky that someone I care about would also be attracted to other people than me, or I’ve got some priorities on that list that are in the wrong order. I would always go with the previous in our little hypothetical because the latter is very controlling (in a way that would probably make me unhappy anyhow) and out of step with how I want to treat and be treated by people I care about.

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, yogacat said:

The reality of being in a relationship is that we choose to not act on that attraction and because the relationship we are in is what we truly want, we choose to stay loyal because it feels right, not because we are forced to or ego/whatever.

Our wedding vows presume there will be temptation -attraction -that we're not blind and we vow not to act on the attraction by having sex with the person (or as is typical -we promise not to overtly flirt/play with fire/go on dates with others).  I was jealous when I was 16 and my 17 year old boyfriend spoke positively about a female classmate who was an athlete and muscular. I was slim but not muscular and did not have a flat stomach which I hated so his comment made me feel insecure.  Otherwise- I assume people often have a wide variety of physical features they are attracted to -I tend to be more narrow but not overly specific.  

I would not be with someone who watched porn regularly but that's also because of the values aspect.  The OP might have some of that reasoning too.

[yogacat]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would not be with someone who watched porn regularly but that's also because of the values aspect.  The OP might have some of that reasoning too.

Regularly is different from occasional use.

I don't even think it was watched in my LTR's. If it was, heck, I might even watch with them! 😉

I'm sure I would have an issue if they did it regularly. Occasionally? Not an issue.

If it's a daily habit, I have a problem.  

Fortunately my exes were very in-tune with me in that respect. My values are one that doesn't restrict the freedom to self-pleasure in the privacy of their own self. Only a few men are going to be a unicorn that never watches porn. 

I refuse to judge people for self-pleasure. It's one thing if he was talking you down about your looks/sexual performance and not engaging in physical intimacy with OP but he's not doing any of that.  

I think sex values misalignments can be deal breakers if one is a virgin, saving themselves for marriage, or into polygamy/open relationships or can't have intercourse for religious reasons. 

I think if occasional porn use is an absolute deal breaker for you (OP), you need to find a partner that also views it that way for themselves. Not to conform to your anti-porn values standard. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Regularly is different from occasional use.

I don't even think it was watched in my LTR's. If it was, heck, I might even watch with them! 😉

I'm sure I would have an issue if they did it regularly. Occasionally? Not an issue.

If it's a daily habit, I have a problem.  

Fortunately my exes were very in-tune with me in that respect. My values are one that doesn't restrict the freedom to self-pleasure in the privacy of their own self. Only a few men are going to be a unicorn that never watches porn. 

I refuse to judge people for self-pleasure. It's one thing if he was talking you down about your looks/sexual performance and not engaging in physical intimacy with OP but he's not doing any of that.  

I think sex values misalignments can be deal breakers if one is a virgin, saving themselves for marriage, or into polygamy/open relationships or can't have intercourse for religious reasons. 

I think if occasional porn use is an absolute deal breaker for you (OP), you need to find a partner that also views it that way for themselves. Not to conform to your anti-porn values standard. 

I don’t judge people for regular porn use. I wouldn’t date that person. Two different things. I don’t judge a lot of sexual things people do that are consensual and when it came to who I would want to marry we had to be compatible in our values. There was a lovely doctor who emailed me at least 3 times through online sites. Long email. Cut and paste. Last paragraph described his sexual fetish which he said was more of a preference than a must. However I knew if he wrote a whole paragraph about it it was important to him. Therefore. Dealbreaker. Would I have been friends with him ? Sure!  Judged him for it? Nope. Dated him ? Nope. I’m not anti-fetish if it is consensual and doesn’t hurt anyone and involves adults. I’m not sure she’s anti porn. She’s anti porn in a relationship.