rainbowsandroses Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, yogacat said: No where in this thread though does it sound like her boyfriend has an addiction. I never said he had an addiction, I said it's possible, anything is possible. What I said is that excessive porn use/masturbation can become an addiction - a form of sexual addiction, which is very real. I was speaking in the general. That said, imo it does sound like somewhat of an addiction (for him) or close to becoming one. Can I say with certainty? No. Nor can anyone else say with any certainty that he doesn't. It's just the sense I got from everything she posted. If you and others feel differently which clearly you do, then I respect that. Of course it's possible to watch porn, enjoy it and NOT get addicted! I said so in my post. I am talking about for some men, not all. Anyway, I don't really wish to debate this. It's my opinion only. The only reason I posted it was because many of these posts were mistakenly assuming that porn is a healthy release for each and every man, making the blanket statement that all men enjoy it, and when they say they don't and wish to stop, they're lying which is simply NOT the case for every man. Once again, in the OP's case, her boyfriend is not here so there is no way any of us can say with certainty what his feelings are, including me! Whether he truly enjoys it, that it's not destructive to him and he wants to stop. Or doesn't. It's all speculation. I asked OP to return with an update but she hasn't nor has she answered your earlier post questioning if it's not actually the porn that bothers her, but masturbation in general due to her own insecurities and bias about it. Which I thought was an excellent question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said: @Tinydancewith respect to what's posted above, you don't know that, no one does. No one can say with any certainty that he does want to watch porn, he may very well want to stop but is unable to because he is addicted. No one can answer that but him and he's not here. He did tell her he wanted to stop and may feel that it IS destructive to him. Again it's possible. My ex-husband found himself somewhat addicted to porn and masturbation before he met me, it was becoming destructive to his life and mental health. It negatively impacted his relationship with his previous girlfriend. It's a form a sexual addiction, it's very real. He's not the first man to whom this has happened. Again, from the men's forum I used to read there were many threads discussing "no fap/no porn" and how destructive it was to some men's relationships and lives. And how much better their lives, relationships and mental health improved when they stopped or took a long break from it. NOT all men, some men. Some men (even most I would say) were able to control it and it was no issue. A nothingburger basically that had no impact on them, their relationships, mental health or lives. Can we not deny this please and assume that porn is a healthy release for every man in each and every situation? My issue with their situation is that he made a promise to stop and he broke that promise. He broke trust. You and others can shuffle that under the rug but I think it's a mistake to. Again, he may have had every intention of stopping but when something becomes an addiction, which again we don't know, it's very difficult to stop. Or like you said, maybe he does enjoy it, and lied to her when he promised to stop. Which makes him an a**hole in my world. For lying NOT for watching porn. Again no one knows but him. All that said, I very much agree with this^^. They BOTH have issues. Their RL (imo) sounds like a codependent, parent/child type relationship which needless to say is not a good or healthy RL by any stretch. JMO I don't see any specific signs from her posts (so far) that he's actually addicted to porn. She told him from the start that watching porn in general is a deal breaker for her and she's not OK with him watching porn. Then she looked at his phone and found some videos of porn and once caught him in the bathroom masturbating to porn. The fact they've been living together for a year and she only saw him doing it once probably points to the fact he's not doing it constantly. If you see him hiding it as a sign of addiction - he's hiding it because she forbids him to watch it full stop. She also told him to stop watching it because she has a problem with porn full stop. Not because he was watching it too much or was addicted. I think there's a big difference. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 One thing I've noticed is that people who don't allow their partner to watch porn always seem to say: "You have to respect how I feel". But their partner WANTS to watch porn but yet they don't respect that. So they're actually doing the same thing, no? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said: I never said he had an addiction, I said it's possible, anything is possible. What I said is that excessive porn use/masturbation can become an addiction - a form of sexual addiction, which is very real. I was speaking in the general. That said, imo it does sound like somewhat of an addiction (for him) or close to becoming one. Can I say with certainty? No. Nor can anyone else say with any certainty that he doesn't. It's just the sense I got from everything she posted. If you and others feel differently which clearly you do, then I respect that. Of course it's possible to watch porn, enjoy it and NOT get addicted! I said so in my post. I am talking about for some men, not all. Anyway, I don't really wish to debate this. It's my opinion only. The only reason I posted it was because many of these posts were mistakenly assuming that porn is a healthy release for each and every man, making the blanket statement that all men enjoy it, and when they say they don't and wish to stop, they're lying which is simply NOT the case for every man. Once again, in the OP's case, her boyfriend is not here so there is no way any of us can say with certainty what his feelings are, including me! Whether he truly enjoys it, that it's not destructive to him and he wants to stop. Or doesn't. It's all speculation. I asked OP to return with an update but she hasn't nor has she answered your earlier post questioning if it's not actually the porn that bothers her, but masturbation in general due to her own insecurities and bias about it. Which I thought was an excellent question. I know. I just think that we need to be careful inferring men as addicted to porn when, from the limited information presented, that is not really a valid assumption to make. Not saying you're convinced of that, but just that assumption in general can be harmful because it pathologizes normal sexual behavior. My take of what happened is he was stressed or otherwise unoccupied and thought, "Hey, why don't I masturbate?" "How about I masturbate to something I enjoy," and that's it. I don't think she can jump to, "He likes porn so he's going to be incapable of an emotional connection with me," which is what the OP is saying. She's essentially convinced that because he likes porn once in a while he can't truly be sincere and have deep emotional connection. It's an ignorant view, to be frank. Right? It would be like saying, "I'm a man and my woman uses sex toys so she must be incapable of deep emotional connections" or "She likes fit guys so I can tell she's perpetual slept with gym rats who alienate themselves from friends and lovers to work out to the point of an addiction, eating 1000 calories a day on chicken breast and cutting out carbs!" We know those are not the truths. Is it possible that's the case? Yes. But it's not common. I agree though that it would be helpful if OP responds to your scenario. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 48 minutes ago, Tinydance said: I don't see any specific signs from her posts (so far) that he's actually addicted to porn. The reason why I think he might be addicted or close to is: 1. Him feeling he had to hide it. Yeah I know he hid it because OP doesn't like it but in my experience men who don't have a problem with porn would have no problem explaining that to his gf - that he enjoys porn occasionally. Instead of basically agreeing with her! Which suggests (to me) he believes it's a destructive habit and promising to stop. He TOLD her he wants to stop. But then reneged on that promise. Why? He is a lying ***? OR does he have an addiction and is finding it difficult to stop? I don't know it's a rhetorical question. 2. Running off to bathroom while she is sleeping, watching porn and jerking off. OKAY, I totally get men often wake up in the middle of the night with a hard on but for most men, in MY experience, they turn over and go back to sleep! In the morning, we will usually have hot sex and that's that. Or sometimes they will wake me up and we have sex! I find that sexy and hot personally. He never even tried that. He simply headed off to the bathroom and jerked off to porn instead. Am I the only one seeing the absurdity to this? And trust me I am EXTREMELY open minded about sex, more than most women. I used to engage in sub/dom, all of that. 3. It was mentioned that OP was unavailable for sex which justified him running off to bathroom, accessing his porn videos, viewing and jerking off in the middle of the night. No where in this thread did OP say she was unavailable for sex. If she was sleeping, he could have woken her up, that is what most of my boyfriends have done. It's totally HOT!! He never even tried that. Instead, he chose to head off to bathroom, access his porn videos and jerk off. I dunno perhaps I am over-reaching, I just think it all sounds quite strange and over the top and suggests he may have a problem. That said, I could be wrong, and he may not have a problem at all. I still think it's strange behavior even from a man who has a healthy RL with porn. JMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: If she was sleeping, he could have woken her up, that is what most of my boyfriends have done. It's totally HOT!! He never even tried that. Instead, he chose to head off to bathroom, access his porn videos and jerk off. Yes that was my experience when I had a boyfriend and we had no kids and no responsibilities the next day -sometimes we'd both sort of stir- and -stuff happened. I don't remember any boyfriend waking me up because he was horny. So I would never make that assumption -maybe she had work the next day or a plan and maybe she hates being woken up from sleeping -I sure do at this stage in my life unless it's urgent. Sexual desire is not. I'm not a fan of anyone waking up a partner because all of a sudden they are horny. To me that's rude and selfish unless the couple has said before hand that they would love that/be turned on by that. So him getting his release in the bathroom to me likely was a very thoughtful choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 3 minutes ago, Batya33 said: If she was sleeping, he could have woken her up, that is what most of my boyfriends have done. It's totally HOT!! He never even tried that. Instead, he chose to head off to bathroom, access his porn videos and jerk off. Haha. I dislike being woken up but I hate to admit sometimes I would wake them up when I felt, a bit, um....frisky. No complaints. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 Just now, yogacat said: Haha. I dislike being woken up but I hate to admit sometimes I would wake them up when I felt, a bit, um....frisky. Yes again it depends -like on a weekend night where you're going to sleep in and you know your partner is cool with it -go for it! Depends on the couple. I mean when we were trying to conceive basically if it was a good time of the month to try -well - you'd better be ready LOL. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 3 minutes ago, Batya33 said: So I would never make that assumption.. I am not making an assumption. I stated it was my opinion why I thought he might be addicted. Just wanted to make that clear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 12 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I'm not a fan of anyone waking up a partner because all of a sudden they are horny. To me that's rude and selfish unless the couple has said before hand that they would love that/be turned on by that. So him getting his release in the bathroom to me likely was a very thoughtful choice. Totally cool. For me I find it totally hot. To each her own. I dunno, I guess it's me, but I am envisioning this scenario of him waking up in the middle of the night, half asleep and groggy but having the presence of mind to head off to bathroom, accessing his porn collection and jerking off. Why can't he turn over and go back to sleep! I totally get men need a release but something sounds very off about that scenario. Again JMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I am not making an assumption. I stated it was my opinion why I thought he might be addicted. Just wanted to make that clear. I wasn't referring to addiction. I would never assume that it's ok to wake someone up for sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 Just now, rainbowsandroses said: Totally cool. For me I find it totally hot. To each her own. I dunno, I guess it's me, but I am envisioning this scenario of him waking up in the middle of the night, half asleep and groggy but having the presence of mind to head off to bathroom, accessing his porn collection and jerking off. Why can't he turn over and go back to sleep! I totally get men need a release but something is very off about that. Again JMO. I wouldn't assume and also I'm not a man. Maybe he had insomnia so he figured the release of masturbation would help him go back to sleep. I don't think people 'need" a release -they want it. I don't buy that assumption in the least. I don't find it hot to wake up a partner because they are horny. Unless it's been discussed beforehand then for sure it's fine. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 2 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I don't find it hot to wake up a partner because they are horny. Unless it's been discussed beforehand then for sure it's fine. I know you posted that already. Nuff said. I am not here to convince you or anyone of anything. I am not even saying I am right or assuming anything. I am simply stating my opinion and feelings about it, that's all. You and others disagree, so be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 21 minutes ago, yogacat said: Haha. I dislike being woken up but I hate to admit sometimes I would wake them up when I felt, a bit, um....frisky. No complaints. Haha, yeah it goes both ways! Totally hot either way IMO. 😆 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Totally cool. For me I find it totally hot. To each her own. I dunno, I guess it's me, but I am envisioning this scenario of him waking up in the middle of the night, half asleep and groggy but having the presence of mind to head off to bathroom, accessing his porn collection and jerking off. Why can't he turn over and go back to sleep! I totally get men need a release but something sounds very off about that scenario. Again JMO. Well I'm actually glad you end your posts with "JMO"! I really think in these scenarios it is "just your opinion" or "just my opinion". People are all different, physiologically as well as in their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions. I've usually found for example that when I'm half asleep I don't feel horny. I've had partners try to initiate sex when I'm falling asleep at night or asleep/half awake in the morning and I don't feel turned on. Also I feel neutral about being woken up for sex. Like, I'm not necessarily against it but I don't think it's super hot either. Like, it’s not a thing for me. I'll need to re read OP's post in regards to the sleeping situation. There can be different scenarios where someone is sleeping and their partner gets horny. One is they are taking a nap. Another one is they have a different sleeping schedule to their partner. This was often the case for me because I like to go to bed early but some of my partners were night owls. So for example it wouldn't be the "middle of the night", it would be like 10:00 p.m. And my partner would be still awake on the computer and get horny and watch porn. Again it really depends because I actually prefer not to be woken up, especially if I need to get up at 7:00 a.m. for work. But if she had said to him in the past "wake me up for sex, it's hot" but he prefers to just go masturbate alone, I get that's upsetting. Also if we're coming at it from different perspectives and opinions. I'm fine with my partner watching porn. So therefore I don't see it as that he did anything bad. So if I got up and saw him jerking off, I'd be like OK cool. I wouldn't think of it as he's hiding it but as I'm sleeping so he went to another room. It seems usually the bathroom is a preferable room because it's probably easier to clean up or take a shower afterwards or whatever. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 24 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I don't find it hot to wake up a partner because they are horny. Bat, don't mean to beat a dead horse but would you be okay with be woken up by "weird noises coming from the bathroom" instead? Which is what OP posted. She posted she woke up, walked in the bathroom to find him watching a girl getting railed while he was masturbating. Her direct words. Anyway, I realize now after re-reading OP's original post, I am being a little hard on the OP and her boyfriend. He did NOT wake her up in the middle of the night. It was the afternoon, she was taking a nap while he was getting his rocks off in the bathroom to porn. Sorry guys, I went off on a bit of a rant/roll there. I hope they can work it all out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 57 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I know you posted that already. Nuff said. I am not here to convince you or anyone of anything. I am not even saying I am right or assuming anything. I am simply stating my opinion and feelings about it, that's all. You and others disagree, so be. That is was your opinion is obvious. I didn't restate - you seemed to think I thought it was always a bad idea. I don't if the couple agrees in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Bat, don't mean to beat a dead horse but would you be okay with be woken up by "weird noises coming from the bathroom" instead? Which is what OP posted. She posted she woke up, walked in the bathroom to find him watching a girl getting railed while he was masturbating. Her direct words. Anyway, I realize now after re-reading OP's original post, I am being a little hard on the OP and her boyfriend. He did NOT wake her up in the middle of the night. It was the afternoon, she was taking a nap while he was getting his rocks off in the bathroom to porn. Sorry guys, I went off on a bit of a rant/roll there. I hope they can work it all out. I think it's always rude to be noisy at a level that can wake up your partner who is sleeping. With this exception -for some odd reason I can nap at a noise level that I can't fall asleep to at night so my husband knows he doesn't have to lower the TV if I'm just going to nap. I think unless they are watching together if he wants to masturbate that should be in private. And not where he could wake her up. Because that's a choice not like um - using the bathroom or realizing you have to shower after working out but your partner fell asleep early. Then you know we accommodate each other. I'm older so weird noises mean I'm worried and stressed -after all I'm a mom. On high alert. I think he should have shown a lot more restraint. Maybe he wanted to get caught? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 1 hour ago, Batya33 said: I think he should have shown a lot more restraint. Maybe he wanted to get caught? I am glad you said this^ and not me! I was thinking same! I hesitate to keep criticizing the boyfriend but what kind of * is he to jerk off to porn knowing his girlfriend objects to it with her right in the next room? Really? I get it's a release and even that he wants to hide it from her. If that's the case lower the volume on your phone for goodness sakes or turn the volume off. Exercise some discretion. Not have the volume so high that your girlfriend, who you know objects to it, will hear it. IF you truly wanted to hide it from her that is. So yeah it's quite possible he wanted to get caught. Why? Who knows perhaps he himself feels ashamed but who knows. Again I am speculating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said: I am glad you said this^ and not me! I was thinking same! I hesitate to keep criticizing the boyfriend but what kind of * is he to jerk off to porn knowing his girlfriend objects to it with her right in the next room? Really? I get it's a release and even that he wants to hide it from her. If that's the case lower the volume on your phone for goodness sakes or turn the volume off. Exercise some discretion. Not have the volume so high that your girlfriend, who you know objects to it, will hear it. IF you truly wanted to hide it from her that is. So yeah it's quite possible he wanted to get caught. Why? Who knows perhaps he himself feels ashamed but who knows. Again I am speculating. But why should he feel ashamed? This is what I'm saying. You are shaming people for watching porn. Which is a bit weird coz you said you're sexually open minded and kinky with sub/dom and so on. Some people think sub/dom is too out there so what if they shamed you for it? OP said SHE doesn't like porn, it's HER opinion. "JMO" as you say. HE doesn't have to feel bad or like there's something wrong with him or watching porn. I don't think he wants to stop watching it or thinks it's bad. He's only hiding it because she's told him he can't watch it. And she checks his phone so yeah maybe he knows he's going to "get caught". Nevermind that checking his phone is an invasion of privacy. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 If people want to watch it, they are free to do so. If people don't, they don't have to. The problem here isn't porn. That's just the spicy headline people gravitate to and which everyone will have an opinion on. Its about trust (which he broke) and if they have similar enough values. That's not saying anything about there values, just questioning if they are compatible. What is important is what mimikyu wants in her relationship. If she doesn't want porn involved, then porn shouldn't be involved. The right person for her will respect that and feel the same way. If they don't, they aren't right for her. They are free to be with someone who is ok with it. Mimikyu, you deserve the kind of relationship you want, the one that will make you happiest. I, for one, applaud you for your beliefs and would love to find the same thing. Stay true to you and don't settle for less then what will fulfill you. I hope you find it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LootieTootie Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 I think the OP has left the thread but if she comes back, I hope she gives us an update. Mimikyu, you both are very young and there's so much to learn from this. I do think you need to accept that your boyfriend does like to watch porn when he is under stress and on top of that, he treats you pretty poorly when he is stress. After you accepted these, I hope you also make a decision if you are okay with that or not. If you're not, then you know what you need to do. Don't get in to a relationship/situation or stay in one hoping to change the person. It seldom works out that way and even if they change, they might resent you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 3 hours ago, Tinydance said: But why should he feel ashamed? This is what I'm saying. You are shaming people for watching porn. Which is a bit weird coz you said you're sexually open minded and kinky with sub/dom and so on. Some people think sub/dom is too out there so what if they shamed you for it? OP said SHE doesn't like porn, it's HER opinion. "JMO" as you say. HE doesn't have to feel bad or like there's something wrong with him or watching porn. I don't think he wants to stop watching it or thinks it's bad. He's only hiding it because she's told him he can't watch it. And she checks his phone so yeah maybe he knows he's going to "get caught". Nevermind that checking his phone is an invasion of privacy. @Tinydancenot sure why you're responding to me, Batya was the one who made the comment about him possibly wanting to get caught, I simply agreed with her and explained why. I have absolutely no issue with porn, my boyfriends watched and we often watched together. I did not say he should feel ashamed, please read my post again. I stated that HE might possibly feel ashamed as a reason why it's possible he may have wanted to get caught. I posted nothing in the definitive. I mean OP was right in the next room and he had the volume high enough for her to be woken up by it. Normally that wouldn't be a problem but he knew she objected to it. So why not be more discreet and lower the volume? Unless again he wanted to get caught. JMO as always. If that is not your opinion, that is totally fine, I'm not gonna come at you and challenge you about it, I respect it. I agree with some others that this is not about porn necessarily. There is so much wrong here other than him watching porn, I'm rather surprised your focus is solely on that. Once again, I have no issue whatsoever with porn and would appreciate it if you would refrain from making my posts/opinions about that, thanks. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 Is OP even here anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 4 hours ago, MissCanuck said: Is OP even here anymore? Maybe we frightened her off. 😱 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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