Mimikyu Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We have been living together for a year. When we first got together, I asked him if he watched porn. He was honest and told me yes, why? I let him know honestly it was a turn off for me, and that I personally don’t find myself to be compatible with someone who regularly enjoys that. He completely understood and actually agreed with me that it isn’t desirable in a relationship and he is only interested in me… and so I didn’t find it to be controlling for me at all to request him to stop doing this. Anyways, throughout the entirety of our relationship, he has been the most sincere, caring man I’ve ever met who is always connecting with me on very deep emotional levels. He constantly enjoys reminding me how he is only mine and lately while he’s working overtime he tells me all day how he just wants to come home to me and pleasure me. Sorry for the long introduction, but this brings me to I suppose why I felt extremely hurt when I woke up from a nap and realized he had gotten home from work, and I heard weird noises coming from the bathroom, so I walked in there to find him watching a girl getting railed while he was masturbating. A girl who looked absolutely nothing like me with a completely different body type. I started crying and had to leave. I haven’t been trying to make him feel like a horrible person for it but it really did hurt me because I never expected this from him. He told me he wouldn’t ever do that again and that his work life has been making him feel foggy and that isn’t the type of person he wants to be. We have been fixing things since then. Please don’t condemn me, but since this has been in my mind, tonight I couldn’t help myself and decided to look through his phone history. I discovered there was one other day he was watching porn. This particularly hurt me 10x more because on this specific day, he had come home from work acting very erratic and stressed. He promised he would never take these things out on me and I give him space where need be. But on this day he was even slightly rude to me unprovoked, and I was purposely sitting in the other room without bothering him, despite it hurting me how he was ignoring me and acting so harsh, and come to find out it was that same day that instead of being intimate with me or showing me any kind of attention, he was watching porn. I recall now he spent a long time in the bathroom that day. I think what hurts most is how he treated me that day, and now I’m finding this out weeks later, and also the fact that he hid it all from me and the only reason I know about these 2 occasions is from me finding out on my own. It feels like a slap in the face and I don’t know how to feel anymore, because now everything I felt about his personality and how he will end up treating me in our relationship for the future feels like a huge change to me. I just feel like now there’s a part of him I don’t know. I’m not going to sit here in denial and assume he won’t ever hide this from me again. And honestly I’m not open to being okay with it.. I’ve read many many forums about other people explaining why I should not feel personally offended, and how men are wired differently than women, and don’t feel an emotional connection when doing this. It’s not that I’m insecure about myself, it’s just that men who are attracted to watching porn, especially when I’m in the other room, truly just turn me off. And I know not every man is into that sort of thing.. This man is particularly a huge sweetheart though, and I get that for most it is pure stress relief. But I can’t look passed him hiding things from me and I really don’t know where to take things from here I am just so so hurt and feel betrayed. I feel like I knew him so well and now I feel like I live with a stranger. I’m sorry if that sounds dramatic but that is just truly how I feel. I honestly just think I shouldn’t be in a relationship at this point, because I feel like people responding to this post, if any, would tell me I’m wishing for a Cinderella story in a real world where fairy tales just don’t exist, as I’ve been told before. I just have to either accept this and temptations or be alone, right? Thank you if you took the time to read my post and for responding kindly. I really am not trying to be shallow and I have no one else to talk to about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 There is no "emotional" attachment with porn. It's just visual stimulation of an act of sex. He's not desiring, dreaming of or or falling in love with what he is viewing on the screen. He also doesn't compare you or his feelings for you to it either. Men compartmentalize sex, love/caring feelings. We as women view porn as a threat to ourselves, feeling like we are not good enough, etc. That's not how men feel about it at all. It just enhances their experience during their personal time. It only becomes a problem when they are addicted and it starts to affect your sex life/relationship. If he's a young fella, I would say this is pretty much a normal activity. I'm a 60 year old woman...porn doesn't bother me and I understand that when people have their private time, whatever they do (legally), or fantasize about, to get off is really no ones business. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimikyu Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 Hello @smackie9 , thank you so much for responding to my post and I respect your opinion! What you say truly does make me feel better in the aspect of the purpose of him watching and the exact nature of it. When it comes to having private time and being in an intimate relationship with your partner though, at least for me, I feel like it’s healthy for each other to be open with what we do in our private times. I don’t hide anything I do from him.. we are both in our 20s and maybe this is something I’m going to have to get over? It makes accepting this behavior really hard for me though because I feel like open honesty and transparency is extremely important to me in a relationship , I could be asking for too much though from a human. I know I don’t own them, but I guess maybe that’s just a fantasy of mine that I would want from a partner because I enjoy to give transparency myself . 😖 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 You moved in together way too quickly. Can you share more about that part? Like why and how is that going for you? YOU need to choose if porn is a deal breaker for you. If it is, then you need to end this relationship. Forcing yourself to stay and turn a blind eye to something you find hurtful will only cause you to be depressed and resentful. And he doesn't seem to truly care tbh about what you think of porn. He's showing it through his actions, specially that you are no longer in the honey moon stage and you're starting to see his true colours. If a straight honest convo won't solve this ("love" doesn't matter here btw), you've got a call to make. Welcome to adult life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 There's something off-putting about a partner getting off when you're asleep right next to them—awkward, at best, and potentially uncomfortable or even scary or violating, at worst. I think that’s a really important point—there is a lot of gray area in terms of what’s okay and what’s not. It sounds like the consensus in r/sex will be that your boyfriend was not trying to hurt you on purpose, as well as pointing out that masturbation does not reflect one's feelings about one's partner with the exception of when it becomes a full blown addiction and/or replaces the intimacy between two people. You know this is a tough one, but in your heart of hearts only you can decide if this is a relationship you want to put the work of rebuilding, or one you want to let go of. That aside, you're clearly not comfortable with men watching pornography. So much so that you're violating HIS TRUST by going through his phone history. 48 minutes ago, Mimikyu said: I feel like it’s healthy for each other to be open with what we do in our private times. Absolutely not. You're taking away his sense of autonomy with this statement, and that's something that a lot of people hold very, very dear. You can ask your boyfriend not to watch porn. You have the right to express your concerns and boundaries. You cannot demand it though. Keep in mind that your boyfriend also has the right to make his own choices. He has the right to set his own boundaries. If watching porn is a hard, non-negotiable for you, you can choose to walk away. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimikyu Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 @DarkCh0c0 I completely agree that this entire thing moved very quickly, and I was very hesitant and scared to commit to it but honestly I had never felt more safe in my life at the time as at first I was living on my own in another state but really wasn’t happy. Upon meeting me he decided to get his own place just so that I could come be with him. I flew out to him in his hometown to meet him for the first time, but still held onto my lease just in case at any point I felt uncomfortable. He was constantly begging me to just never leave and he took such good care of me. He ended up driving 14 hours with me just to help me pack up all of my things so I could move in with him and he helped pay to end my lease early. I was only committing to a few months of living with him at that time but when it came time to make the decision if we wanted to continue or not, I just knew I wanted to go back to my home to be closer to my family. He insisted he wanted to come with me and I held it off for as long as I could to be entirely sure that’s what I wanted and was comfortable with. I ended up making the decision to commit to another lease to him in my home state now, and our lives just completely changed. It’s more expensive here and so he had got a more demanding job with lots of required overtime just to have extra money, (even though I also work full time and it isn’t really needed) and it’s been completely burning him out he’s turning into a different person. I’ve tried helping him look for other jobs and even have had multiple conversations with him that despite how appreciative I am of him for working so hard, it really isn’t worth the lack of time we get to spend with each other. He also has stopped taking as much good care of himself, to which I’ve tried to intervene many times and a lot of the time I feel like his mom constantly reminding him of simple things. I expressed to him that I really am not happy with the situation and he’s been trying to change it. But as of lately he’s been weird, hiding things from me, and now even this weird intimacy problem, feels like a breaking point for me. You’re right, it’s like the honey moon phase has ended and I’m actually seeing who he is when he just lets himself go. Before this, he was very head strong and would change things if they were not working out for the better for him or for me. He also was not so distant from me. Honestly, this behavior is a deal breaker for me and I told him I wanted to end things as we did have a conversation about it again and I said this is really just getting out of hand at this point. He begged me to let him fix it and said he is still the person I knew when I met him. I don’t know how much I can trust that right now.. I don’t know if he’ll hurt me like this again. Part of me feels like it’s just hard times and I have to accept it and also part of me feels like any relationship I’ve ever been in I’m always the one who is much more intimate and cares about these things like actual true monogamy where you only desire your partner and don’t do these things behind their back. I feel like I’m just going to keep getting hurt no matter who it is if I can’t accept peoples natural temptations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimikyu Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 @yogacat it does scare me and it’s why I feel sort of a huge wake up call like I was deep in love this entire time with someone who said they were not interested in something like that and just completely have been showing a different side of himself all of the sudden. It’s just not something we’ve dealt with together in our relationship. I see what you’re saying about threatening his autonomy and please know that I definitely do understand boundaries and there are many things I don’t question and don’t expect him to tell me at all. I apologize if I made it seem like he has to tell me his every thought and action. I know he needs to keep his individuality and especially whenever he steps away to call his parents or something like that and be alone, I completely respect it wholeheartedly. It’s just this particularly feels like a breach of trust and understanding in the intimate side of our relationship that we had an emotional connection over and so it’s just messing with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimikyu Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 @yogacat also he picks up my phone and goes through it when I’m sleeping all the time. It’s a boundary we have set in the past that we don’t mind each other doing, which I realize can be toxic for others - and I don’t grab his phone all the time like I own it. But since I know he is okay with me doing so is why I did, and I fear that this could have happened multiple other times and he just forgot to delete that history this time.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 Hi @Mimikyuthis was a tough read. From my perspective there is so much wrong here - from him promising you no porn (which he should have never done) to him going back on his word, essentially lying to you, secretly jerking off in the bathroom while you're in the next room to you snooping his phone monitoring him like he was child. Now all trust is gone, sadly. I think there is no coming back from this and agree with you that it's best to end it. To me from what you've described it does sound like an addiction - him hiding it and jerking off while you're in the next room? Ignoring and being irritable with you before heading off into the barhroom? That would be extremely off-putting to me as well! And I'm pretty open-minded about porn. But I would find that utterly disrespectful. Lastly don't allow anyone to tell you how you should feel. If you don't want a man who's jerks off to porn that is certainly your perogative. Believe it or not more and more men are recognizing how unhealthy it can be, how much better they feel after they've stopped and how much better their relationships are as well as a result. I'm sorry your boyfriend disappointed and hurt you and wasn't the man he initially portrayed himself to be. All the best moving forward. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimikyu Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 I appreciate you all so much for responding and I hope I don’t seem argumentative, it’s just a lot going on to put in a post and I hope no one is getting the wrong idea. I’m not here to hurt anyone or try and own them. 😰 I just really was not expecting this from this person and there are many things we are very close about and are okay with that I know a lot of other relationships have stronger boundaries for . We don’t particularly have a toxic relationship. This just something that surprised me and hurt me very much from who I consider my best friend, not just a partner to control. 😞 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 30 minutes ago, Mimikyu said: @yogacat it does scare me and it’s why I feel sort of a huge wake up call like I was deep in love this entire time with someone who said they were not interested in something like that and just completely have been showing a different side of himself all of the sudden. It’s just not something we’ve dealt with together in our relationship. I see what you’re saying about threatening his autonomy and please know that I definitely do understand boundaries and there are many things I don’t question and don’t expect him to tell me at all. I apologize if I made it seem like he has to tell me his every thought and action. I know he needs to keep his individuality and especially whenever he steps away to call his parents or something like that and be alone, I completely respect it wholeheartedly. It’s just this particularly feels like a breach of trust and understanding in the intimate side of our relationship that we had an emotional connection over and so it’s just messing with me There is so much more going on here then his occasional porn use. It seems to me (and please correct me if I am wrong) that you're feeling very alone in this relationship, hurt, unloved and are questioning not only his motivations but your own reactions to him. You entered this relationship feeling safe, loved and cherished but 1.5 years later you are feeling quite alone and his attraction to porn makes you feel even more adrift in your own relationship. As for the issue of porn, what someone watches or fantasizes about does not always reflect their desires in real life... I think you feel he is maybe not being as attentive as before and you're citing porn as the cause. It very well might be, at the same time you could simply be picking up in the porn issue because it feels concrete in terms of addressing what might be going on between you and your estranged feelings towards each other. Learning to include things such as porn, masturbation and other activities can actually strengthen a relationship. What you should be really concerned with is how porn actually impacts your own life. Do you feel inadequate? Do you feel jealous? Are you uncomfortable because it is something you're not comfortable with? Etc. What upsets you the most about it? Recall that you can request he stop, but you CAN'T demand it. It seems that your boyfriend initially agreed to refrain from watching porn to appease you, not because it was something he ultimately wanted or chose for himself. He ultimately continued to do so without being honest with you. I'm sorry that he wasn't more upfront about it. It's completely understandable that you are now concerned about the honesty in your relationship. If watching porn is a non-negotiable boundary for you and if he is unable to respect that, you may need to consider ending the relationship. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 2 hours ago, Mimikyu said: so I walked in there to find him watching a girl getting railed while he was masturbating. A girl who looked absolutely nothing like me with a completely different body type. Would it be less bad if she had the same body type and looked like you? Lots of women just dont get porn. Its not about him desiring different women from you, its about him "releasing" himself. Now, you can ask why he doesnt do it with you and just has sex, and that is a part of the issue. But you are approaching this from the wrong perspective. 2 hours ago, Mimikyu said: I just have to either accept this and temptations or be alone, right? If you have a problem with his porn use, you are free to leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay. Leave and find somebody that wont cross your boundaries. That is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. He wont stop watching porn, and you have a problem with that. So, you can just leave. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 I'm also curious. Do you take issue with him masturbating without the use of porn? Or, is it just that he sometimes uses porn while masturbating? I only ask because you mention that his solo sexual activity is a turn off for you. It may be helpful for you to explore what exactly about masturbation in general makes you feel uncomfortable and unfulfilled in your relationship. It may not even be about porn, it may be about the act itself that bothers you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post MissCanuck Posted July 14 Popular Post Share Posted July 14 39 minutes ago, Mimikyu said: I was deep in love this entire time with someone who said they were not interested in something like that But you've known from the beginning that he is interested in porn. You asked him if he watched it, and he said he did. That is a man who enjoys porn. He agreed to stop looking at it when he saw how upsetting it was for you, but that doesn't mean he wasn't interested in porn at all anymore. Maybe that's putting a fine tip on it (no pun intended) but it was perhaps a bit naive of you to think he suddenly lost all interest in porn. Now, he should not have agreed to stop viewing it when he clearly wasn't going to keep that promise. But since you know he does still watch it, and you are definitely not okay with that, you are likely not going to be able to continue the relationship. It seems too significant of a dealbreaker for you. That's not wrong, really. It just means that this is not the right man for you. Having said that, you are going to be hard-pressed to find a man who has no interest at all in porn and never consumes it. Those guys are out there, but I would bet the farm they are in the small minority. You don't have to force yourself to accept porn but understand that it will absolutely limit your dating pool. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: If you have a problem with his porn use, you are free to leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay. Leave and find somebody that wont cross your boundaries. That is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. He wont stop watching porn, and you have a problem with that. So, you can just leave. This^^. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 4 minutes ago, yogacat said: I'm also curious. Do you take issue with him masturbating without the use of porn? Or, is it just that he sometimes uses porn while masturbating? I only ask because you mention that his solo sexual activity is a turn off for you. It may be helpful for you to explore what exactly about masturbation in general makes you feel uncomfortable and unfulfilled in your relationship. It may not even be about porn, it may be about the act itself that bothers you. ^^Great question. Can you clarify @Mimikyu? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 55 minutes ago, Mimikyu said: Upon meeting me he decided to get his own place just so that I could come be with him. I flew out to him in his hometown to meet him for the first time, but still held onto my lease just in case at any point I felt uncomfortable. He was constantly begging me to just never leave and he took such good care of me. He ended up driving 14 hours with me just to help me pack up all of my things so I could move in with him and he helped pay to end my lease early. I was only committing to a few months of living with him at that time but when it came time to make the decision if we wanted to continue or not, I just knew I wanted to go back to my home to be closer to my family. He insisted he wanted to come with me and I held it off for as long as I could to be entirely sure that’s what I wanted and was comfortable with. I ended up making the decision to commit to another lease to him in my home state now, and our lives just completely changed. It’s more expensive here and so he had got a more demanding job with lots of required overtime just to have extra money, (even though I also work full time and it isn’t really needed) and it’s been completely burning him out he’s turning into a different person. I’ve tried helping him look for other jobs and even have had multiple conversations with him that despite how appreciative I am of him for working so hard, it really isn’t worth the lack of time we get to spend with each other. He also has stopped taking as much good care of himself, to which I’ve tried to intervene many times and a lot of the time I feel like his mom constantly reminding him of simple things. I expressed to him that I really am not happy with the situation and he’s been trying to change it. But as of lately he’s been weird, hiding things from me, and now even this weird intimacy problem, feels like a breaking point for me. You’re right, it’s like the honey moon phase has ended and I’m actually seeing who he is when he just lets himself go. Before this, he was very head strong and would change things if they were not working out for the better for him or for me. He also was not so distant from me. Hmm whenever someome comes off too intense or strong at the beginning, it's a red flag. 56 minutes ago, Mimikyu said: Honestly, this behavior is a deal breaker for me and I told him I wanted to end things as we did have a conversation about it again and I said this is really just getting out of hand at this point. He begged me to let him fix it and said he is still the person I knew when I met him. I don’t know how much I can trust that right now.. The begging, pleading and any type of anger, tears or guilt-trips are just to persuade you to stay. But as you see, nothing has changed really. He is who he is. The call is yours. Trust what you feel about this. 38 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: To me from what you've described it does sound like an addiction - him hiding it and jerking off while you're in the next room? Ignoring and being irritable with you before heading off into the barhroom? That would be extremely off-putting to me as well! And I'm pretty open-minded about porn. But I would find that utterly disrespectful. Agreed. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 Quote "A girl who looked absolutely nothing like me with a completely different body type. I started crying and had to leave." I think your issue is more so that you are feeling insecure about the fact that he was watching porn with women that look completely different from you. It may make you feel like you are not enough for him or that he is not satisfied with you physically. Would I be weirded out if my partner was in the bathroom masturbating while I was in the bedroom sleeping? Yeah. But seems to me you're more threatened by the images that he was taking care of his needs to rather than the masturbating in general. You're more concerned with the type of woman he was watching and you feel unattractive to him because of this. But again I dont think it's about the actual watching of porn that bothers you, it's more that you feel like he is not satisfied with how you look physically. You have to accept that he watched porn before he even met you and it's not then about you specifically not being enough or him not being attracted to you. But you have the right to not like porn if it is something you feel super uncomfortable with (lots of people are). I think if you're willing to break up with him over this then that is a sign that you want something better and perhaps he isn't showing the things that impress you enough to keep you around. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 @MimikyuI also think you should ask yourself if you actually want a boyfriend or husband who would agree to something (like not watching porn when he in fact enjoys it) just to appease you but then goes behind your back and does it anyway, regardless of what you asked and HE agreed to. How do you trust a man like this? Trust his word? Or anything about him? He should never have acquiesed to your no porn request. He wasn't being true to himself and by doing it anyway, never mind how he did it (in bathroom with you in next room, ugh), he showed himself to be a man who doesn't keep his word and will agree to something he doesn't believe in or agree with just to appease you for fear of losing you. Not just porn but anything. I can't speak for you but I'd have trouble respecting a man like this. Or even being attracted to him, it's dishonest and weak. He should have explained to you that he does enjoy porn from time to time, that it has nothing to do with you, how attracted he is to you and his feelings towards you. After that it's up to you to accept or reject. Now you're left with this situation where he essentially lied to you, and you felt you had to snoop behind his back for more "evidence." That's why I said in my previous that there is so much wrong here besides his porn use and imo no coming back from it. I'm sorry I wish I could be more positive. P.S. @yogacatmade a great point as well about your reasoning for disliking it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 1 hour ago, Mimikyu said: He begged me to let him fix it... How does he plan on fixing it? By covering his tracks better so you won't find out? That's usually how it goes when someone is caught lying and/or doing something they know their partner doesn't like or approve of Again, how do you trust his word? I dunno you do you but from my perspective you have a very dishonest relationship lacking trust and perhaps even basic respect and it has very little to do with his porn activity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said: Would it be less bad if she had the same body type and looked like you? Lots of women just dont get porn. Its not about him desiring different women from you, its about him "releasing" himself. Now, you can ask why he doesnt do it with you and just has sex, and that is a part of the issue. But you are approaching this from the wrong perspective. Sure, I get this. There's a huge difference between 'releasing' privately and 'performing' with another person. When I lived with a guy, if I had my period and felt cranky, I'd spend as much time as needed off by myself to avoid taking it out on him. It wasn't about him, and it wasn't a rejection of him. I have to say, if I met someone who expected me to stop doing something that I was accustomed to doing, and I was stupid enough to accept that, it would only make me want to do it more, not less. And I'd resent them for it. And I'd resent myself for agreeing to police myself that way when I really don't want to. OP, you get to decide whether to stay and work this out or go. But working this out may have to mean some concessions on both sides. If you are unable to accept what he regards as natural behavior, that's your call to move on, because if you attempt to stay and control this aspect of him, you'll lose. One way or another, it won't work out well. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, catfeeder said: Sure, I get this. There's a huge difference between 'releasing' privately and 'performing' with another person. When I lived with a guy, if I had my period and felt cranky, I'd spend as much time as needed off by myself to avoid taking it out on him. It wasn't about him, and it wasn't a rejection of him. I have to say, if I met someone who expected me to stop doing something that I was accustomed to doing, and I was stupid enough to accept that, it would only make me want to do it more, not less. And I'd resent them for it. And I'd resent myself for agreeing to police myself that way when I really don't want to. OP, you get to decide whether to stay and work this out or go. But working this out may have to mean some concessions on both sides. If you are unable to accept what he regards as natural behavior, that's your call to move on, because if you attempt to stay and control this aspect of him, you'll lose. One way or another, it won't work out well. Astute observation. I am trying to put myself in your boyfriend's shoes, and if I enjoyed reading, say, fictional raunchy novels and my boyfriend had an issue with it and asked that I refrain from reading them, I fully admit that I would be resentful and appalled. I don't know your boyfriend, OP, but imagine how you would feel if he asked you to stop eating ice cream (something you really enjoy) because for him it's a big turn off. You would, most likely, feel resentful and ripped-off, wouldn't you? Ultimately, the fact that he hid it from you/has to be sneaky about it is just not working for either of you. It's not a healthy way to live and it's building resentment. We all have dealbreakers, and you need to decide whether this is one of yours. I think that the psychology/intent behind porn should be separated from your issue with porn (the visual itself) and your boyfriend's choice to do it, because it really is different for everyone. Watching it with you sleeping in the next room is tacky, yes, and I wouldn't be wild about it, either. But the issue is not the specific act, it's the concept of needing and wanting to. If you can't accept it, you really do need to walk on this one. The fact is that your boyfriend is not able or willing to give up porn, so, can you get over it without forcing your view onto him? If not, that's OK - it just means you are not compatible, no matter how much you do care for each other. :hug: 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 13 hours ago, Mimikyu said: I’ve read many many forums about other people explaining why I should not feel personally offended, and how men are wired differently than women, and don’t feel an emotional connection when doing this. Men are not wired all that differently from women. It really is more about the individual. Men watch porn for all kinds of reason, just as women do. The issue is why does this particularly person choose to watch it. In general though, I think men do watch it for emotional reasons. It's not that they personally connect with the people on screen. It's more a fantasy scenario, where they are letting off steam and indulging in emotions that they may not otherwise feel they can engage in. It is an escape from the everyday and into a world of much simplier, and ultimately unfilling, (lack of) logic. 11 hours ago, Mimikyu said: It’s more expensive here and so he had got a more demanding job with lots of required overtime just to have extra money, (even though I also work full time and it isn’t really needed) and it’s been completely burning him out he’s turning into a different person For whatever reason he has decided to burn himself out. The porn is nothing personal, it is an outlet to work off the stress. The issue is why does he feel the need to do so? Is there some reason he feels like he has to be this provider who handles everything? Is it a blow to the manhood? He needs to address why he is engaging in multiple unnecessary behaviors that will only serve to hurt him, you, and the relationships. 12 hours ago, Mimikyu said: open honesty and transparency is extremely important to me in a relationship It is not too much and not a fantasy. Open, transparent communication is key for any relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean you always know everything about the partner. But you know the important things. 11 hours ago, Mimikyu said: Part of me feels like it’s just hard times and I have to accept it and also part of me feels like any relationship I’ve ever been in I’m always the one who is much more intimate and cares about these things like actual true monogamy where you only desire your partner and don’t do these things behind their back. If you don't want it, you don't have to accept it. You should never settle for less then what will truly make you happy. It is not too much to expect people to not engage in behavior you've clearly indicated upset you. It's not wrong to be upset when they do something behind your back. I also value true monogamy and want a partner who will only desire me, just as I only desire them. If that is what you want in a relationship, that is what you deserve to have. The issue I see, as is usual with porn questions, is trust. You drew a line that you did not want crossed. He crossed it. He broke the trust you placed in him. Now you question if he is the same man you thought he was. He see ways he isn't the same person as when you first met. You don't know if you can believe anything he says. The porn is an example of a deeper question. Just who is? Is he someone you can really love and be with? Does he really share the same values that you do? Even if he is great in other ways, can you really believe he will be good in others? Or are you just waiting for the next bombshell? This comes down to what you really want from the relationship. Taking everything you two have experienced together, what kind of person has he shown himself to be? Has he done enough to indicate he really cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you? Would both of you be willing to put in the effort to work through this together? Can you build up the nerve to give him a chance to prove himself? Can he do whatever you feel is necessary for him to prove himself? If you believe it is worth the effort, then work with him to resolve things. If it really is a line that you can't accept, then don't accept it. Don't settle for less then the kind of relationship you believe in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and alone and don't really have anyone to talk to 😞 Unfortunately your post is identical to thousands on this forum, Reddit and all sorts of other forums. A very large number of men watch porn and many women watch it as well. I'm a nearly 40-year-old woman and I've been watching porn since I was a teenager. My female room-mate I used to have also watched it a lot and so have my female friends. Your post is identical to so many others in that a woman starts dating a guy and ultimatums him to not watch porn. The guy agrees just to appease her when in reality he WANTS to watch it. Then he does it in secret because the woman goes off at him if he watches it, so he has to hide it. I'm probably coming from a different perspective here because I watch porn myself but I sometimes get a bit tired of these kinds of posts. First of all, masturbating is very normal and something most/a lot of people do. Watching porn is also very common and it's legal unless it's child or sex trafficking porn. In my opinion you actually don't have the right to control or police if your partner is masurbating or watching porn. You don't have a right to go through their phone to check if they watched porn. They're an adult so they're allowed to masturbate and watch porn. Yes going through each other's phone is toxic and although you're trying to say it's OK, I personally don't think so. Your boyfriend didn't lie to you per se. He watched porn to begin with and I agree he shouldn't have said he'd stop. You thought you could change him to suit what you prefer but you can't change people. I'm sorry to sound harsh but if you don't want a guy who watches porn then you shouldn't be with him. For example if a woman wants to masturbate with her vibrator (let's say you), does she have to always ask permission from her partner to do it? It's OK if you don't like what your boyfriend is doing but you can't control him. People can view porn differently but I see porn as just some random people having sex on the screen. It doesn’t bother me at all if I'm not the same body type. I'm plus size with real smaller breasts and most porn women are slim, have big breasts (often fake). I know it's not likely that I'm going to look like the women in porn so I feel secure in myself that the porn is just fantasy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinydance Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, ShySoul said: Men are not wired all that differently from women. It really is more about the individual. Men watch porn for all kinds of reason, just as women do. The issue is why does this particularly person choose to watch it. In general though, I think men do watch it for emotional reasons. It's not that they personally connect with the people on screen. It's more a fantasy scenario, where they are letting off steam and indulging in emotions that they may not otherwise feel they can engage in. It is an escape from the everyday and into a world of much simplier, and ultimately unfilling, (lack of) logic. For whatever reason he has decided to burn himself out. The porn is nothing personal, it is an outlet to work off the stress. The issue is why does he feel the need to do so? Is there some reason he feels like he has to be this provider who handles everything? Is it a blow to the manhood? He needs to address why he is engaging in multiple unnecessary behaviors that will only serve to hurt him, you, and the relationships. It is not too much and not a fantasy. Open, transparent communication is key for any relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean you always know everything about the partner. But you know the important things. If you don't want it, you don't have to accept it. You should never settle for less then what will truly make you happy. It is not too much to expect people to not engage in behavior you've clearly indicated upset you. It's not wrong to be upset when they do something behind your back. I also value true monogamy and want a partner who will only desire me, just as I only desire them. If that is what you want in a relationship, that is what you deserve to have. The issue I see, as is usual with porn questions, is trust. You drew a line that you did not want crossed. He crossed it. He broke the trust you placed in him. Now you question if he is the same man you thought he was. He see ways he isn't the same person as when you first met. You don't know if you can believe anything he says. The porn is an example of a deeper question. Just who is? Is he someone you can really love and be with? Does he really share the same values that you do? Even if he is great in other ways, can you really believe he will be good in others? Or are you just waiting for the next bombshell? This comes down to what you really want from the relationship. Taking everything you two have experienced together, what kind of person has he shown himself to be? Has he done enough to indicate he really cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you? Would both of you be willing to put in the effort to work through this together? Can you build up the nerve to give him a chance to prove himself? Can he do whatever you feel is necessary for him to prove himself? If you believe it is worth the effort, then work with him to resolve things. If it really is a line that you can't accept, then don't accept it. Don't settle for less then the kind of relationship you believe in. I don't think that he needs to prove himself. I think he needs to be honest that he does want to watch porn and they both need to probably accept that this relationship isn't going to work. It's about expectations and values. And for a relationship to work the values need to be the same or at least very similar. I don't really understand why people say they will not watch porn for their partner when they don't mean it. I have never been with anyone who had a problem with porn but if I was, I'd let them know I plan to continue to watch porn and we aren't compatible. I don't think that watching porn is wrong, it's not a crime. It's just a subjective belief the same way that someone is vegan but someone else eats meat. Or some people don't want their partner to have opposite gender friends and some don't mind. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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