How do you deal with the neverending loneliness as an adult

[stelalala]

So I signed up here and posted my first topic about a month ago because I had lost some very dear and close friends who I unfortunately wasn't compatible enough with anymore. I still believe I made the right choice and I am looking forward to making new connections but it also reminded me of a problem I've been dealing with since I graduated: Adult life is so incredibly lonely. 

I know it is unreasonable to expect another adult to be available 24/7, but that is one thing I really, really miss from childhood. Seeing each other all day in school, then hanging out in our freetime... I wish there was a way to have relationships like this again now. I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who I can text all day and who I see after work and on our days off, but that is about it. And I have an extremely hard time accepting that this is the norm for humans of our ages and circumstances. 

My therapist encouraged me to seek out other acquaintances after these really close friendships ended but it's just not the same. My old friends, as awful as we were to each other sometimes, texted me almost every day and were available to meet at least every few weeks. All the other people I know maybe text me once a month and are free to hangout twice a year or so. 

It's not that I am alone - I have my partner, coworkers, online contacts. But I am lonely - I miss having multiple people who reach out to me regularly, who know what is going on in my life and share theirs with me, who have time for me. This has been an issue before but it's much worse now that my social circle has become even smaller. 

How does one accept this?

[Batya33]

The way we socialize often changes during different life periods - not for everyone of course - some people grow up in an insular community, marry from within (or don't marry) and never leave that insular community and neither do others so the social way of life and interactions stay the same. These days I think that is rare.  My sister and I talked yesterday about how I dislike immensely when anyone randomly video calls me -I don't see myself ever accepting a random video call other than from my child/in an emergency.  I find it kind of invasive to assume the other person wants to (this one was from one of her daughters).  My sister who is in her 60s -I am 57- said -but it's like a phone call -don't answer then.  So as you can see the social "norms" and etiquette vary. So just like you used to just hang out with people at school in close proximity that was because that was the norm - where I live I'd never knock on my friend's door downstairs (she's more of a friendly acquaintance although I've taken  steps to develop the friendship more) - but I know of places where that is totally fine.  

I think you have unrealistic expectations of how your current social life will happen - you need at this stage to be a lot more proactive (just like I asked my neighbor a few weeks ago -it was hard! - if she wanted to do afternoon walks in the park from time to time since we both run into each other in that way -she said yes!). 

I moved to my new city as a newlywed/new mom/unemployed knowing no one in 2009.  I do not have a social circle here as I'd hoped and I own that that is partly my fault (although 3 years of pandemic didn't help just at the point my son was getting older), but I've been out and about -done volunteer work, followed up with people I met through work and at the park and at the local museum, sought out friendships with certain of my husband's colleagues (why we moved here -his job - I'd lived for 43 years in one major city till then!).  It's not easy. Lots of stops and starts.  Pandemic got kind of lonely too!

Can you develop friendships with your boyfriend's people? 

If the only way you will feel fulfilled is to have the social life you describe you had in college - ok -then own that and own the downsides.  Perhaps you are being a bit lazy or unmotivated? Can you bribe yourself to try new things? Go to meetups/volunteer/play pickleball or similar/join a hiking group, join a book club at your local library? A women's networking group? Be in environments where you won't come across as needy -shared activities allow you to focus on the activity and mingling is common and natural.

I'm sorry about the friend group break up -I can relate.  

[ShySoul]

I always say that perception shapes reality. If you believe you need lots of friends who you speak with regularly and meet up with, then that will be the ideal you are searching for. If something happens and you find yourself without that, then you start to feel lonely. The lonliness is magnified and more intense because you are constantly wishing and hoping for it. You ache to relieve carefree days that can no longer happen because life inevitable gets in the way. Sometimes people simple can't be available because we have so many demands placed upon us. Even when we want to, meeting up may just not be feasible.

For me it's not about the quantity of friends or the frequency upon which we interact. Instead it's about the depth of that interaction. I don't need to see or talk to you every day as long as when we do get togther, it is like no time passed at all. It's knowing that this one person truly gets me and can understand what I'm feeling or thinking without me even having to say it. I can go months without talking to my sister, for example. But the second one of us calls the other, we fall right back into a safe space and it feels like that similar bond that has always been there still exists. I had a friend I would email with maybe once a month (or every other month). But every email made me feel like this person got me and it was enough to carry me through the downtime without feeling lonely. 

As you saw with your old group, just because they are available, doesn't make them good friends. Quality matters far more.

I'd also say that being lonely is a choice. Or if you don't want to say that, you still have the choice on how to respond to those feelings. Do you let the feelings get you down? Or do you do something about it? It doesn't even mean you have to reach out to people or try to make friends. It can be finding something you enjoy to occupy your time with. If you are having fun, with whatever it is, then you won't have the time to feel as lonely. 

And may I recommend getting out in nature or getting a pet. There is a sense of peace and serenity that comes from nature that can be calming. And a pet can provide unconditional love and comfort, even when you feel like there is no one else.

[ShySoul]

Forgot to say to not be hard on yourself for this. It's okay to feel lonely at times. We all do. I've wrestled with feeling lonely and not understood my whole life. It's natural to want that human contact Just don't let it consume you or make you feel depressed. 

Hope you can find something to cheer you up and make you feel a little less lonely. And if you ever just need to talk or vent, the inbox is open. Sometimes it helps to be lonely together.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I'd also say that being lonely is a choice. Or if you don't want to say that, you still have the choice on how to respond to those feelings. Do you let the feelings get you down? Or do you do something about it? It doesn't even mean you have to reach out to people or try to make friends. It can be finding something you enjoy to occupy your time with. If you are having fun, with whatever it is, then you won't have the time to feel as lonely. 

This is great stuff. We see this a lot here when people raise loneliness, you'll see responses with lists of things you can pursue to become more interactive with your community and the world around you. Some people respond to this by feeling enlivened and checking out meetup.org groups in their area or volunteering for something of value to them locally or joining a book club. Others say thank you and still continue to use the same kind of self talk that drills them into a deeper hole to climb out of.

When we insist that we are lonely or bored, we'll certainly amplify that feeling. It's only when it occurs to us that we're the ones in charge of changing this that our own choice in the matter becomes obvious. If I want to relax in my home all day, I can either adopt the narrative that this makes me lonely, or I can view it as luxurious solitude. Either way, I'm spending it doing the same things, I'm just feeling differently about it.

Also, regardless of whether I've been reclusive based on work demands or an illness, or whether by deliberate choice, once I get myself back out into the world again, it's a bit of a shock. It's noisy, it's hot, it's not peaceful, at least until I start adopting external life as more of my standard again, and then I don't notice the difficulties. I'm focused on where I'm going, instead.

Head high, and welcome to adulting, where new friends will always have some priorities that are not 'us.' We can adopt different kinds and degrees of friends to meet different needs, but nobody can satisfy everything we once enjoyed about that childhood bestie. If we're lucky, any one or two of these acquaintances will evolve over time into a closer bond, but otherwise, we just keep adding new people and experiences to our lives until we reach a degree of comfort with 'new'.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

It's only when it occurs to us that we're the ones in charge of changing this that our own choice in the matter becomes obvious.

We are the author of our own story and we are constantly in the process of writing it. Each day is an opporunity to write a new chapter.and control our own narrative. 

Life can bombard us with so much stress and nonsense. We can feel overwhelmed. We can get stuck in patterns and feel hopeless. But there is always other options. There is always hope. We just have to choose it. 

In the end, the person that knows you best is you. You are the one spending 24 hours a day with you. You are the one who has to look yourself in the mirror at night. Who do you want to see looking back at you? Someone lonely, depressed, or bitter? Or someone who is striving to chart your own course and do what makes you happy? You have the power within you to be whoever you want to be. So figure out who you are, what you want, and go after it. If that means being social and around people, do it. If that means finding peace in solitude, do it. Just be you and do what makes you happier and feel better about yourself.

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

volunteering for something of value to them

Probably the best way to feel better, in my opinion.  Giving back can provide the greatest feeling of accomplishment and satisfication in yourself. And it can help you to meet genuinely good people.

[catfeeder]

25 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

volunteering for something of value to them

Probably the best way to feel better, in my opinion.  Giving back can provide the greatest feeling of accomplishment and satisfication in yourself. And it can help you to meet genuinely good people.

Yep, a bit of humility helped to move me out of my own way. I had grown cranky about friends and family not meeting my expectations in terms of how I wanted them to make me feel. Hah! Then we had a hurricane. I'd lost everything to mold, but the tables turned. I didn't want my family to worry about me, so I spent more time with them and made every experience about them-not-me.

I was also suffering anxiety big time, and I was afraid of staying in my home alone. So from work I started reaching out to everyone I knew, including new neighbors since I'd moved, to volunteer to help them with projects or meals during the big recovery in my area. This kept me busy and focused--and not alone. I was so grateful to all of these people for being in my life. It was a whole new perspective, and it really didn't require a hurricane as a catalyst. I could have made this shift on my own if I'd known better. I bonded with people throughout my neighborhood in ways I couldn't have fathomed before. Just took a bit of effort.

[shouldhavelearned]

Get out and try things you're comfortable with.

[TeeDee]

Some of this is a function of adult hood.  People have jobs & responsibilities.  They can't be available all day every day like when we were kids. 

I suggest you join groups.  Volunteer somewhere.  Get involved in a book club.   Do something regular & that may help you make new friends.  It will get you into guaranteed times you can see & interact with people  

[Cherylyn]

You did the right thing by ending incompatible friendships.  Some friendships die for a reason.  They're not good for you,  don't add merit nor happiness to your life and in the worst case scenarios,  some friendships lead to danger and unnecessary angst and stress.  You don't need any of that.

I'm in a similar boat.  I too have lost a close person in my life and I miss our daily correspondence via email and of course,  very nice memories of being together in solidarity (relative in my case),  the camaraderie and good times.  Between you and I,  let's not allow nostalgia to overshadow bad memories.  Learn and realize why friendships fizzle and fail in the first place.  It's those bad memories which cause you to wake up and get a harsh reality check.  Some people are not whom you thought they were which is a rude awakening. ☹️ Or, their associations,  partners,  spouses,  for example can wreak havoc in your life.  Be introspective.

Also,  just like you,  other people are very busy just trying to survive,  live,  breath and eat and support their home life.  There's hard work,  commutes,  paying bills,  errands,  chores,  family responsibilities,  household tasks,  taking care of one's health and then this frenetic pace begins all over again tomorrow morning into the evening.  This is life and it's endlessly exhausting. 

We no longer have parents taking care of everything.  We're adults now and currently doing what previous generations did;  sustain daily life which is energy sapping and extremely time consuming.  This is how you accept how the adult world is. 

I know it's not excuse so before I get condemned,  once people are in relationships,  married,  parents,  tending to others or whatever,  we prioritize our schedules and lives.  It's not that people dislike you.  We're left scrambling all the time and often times friends get cast by the wayside or at best,  in person get together socializing becomes infrequent. 

Like you,  I miss my carefree days of hanging out with my neighborhood friends in my residential subdivision,  riding my bicycle everywhere,  frequenting the pool for fun swims and playing constantly.  My friends and I were at each others houses everyday and our lives were very intertwined.  We even rode our bicycles to our school every morning and it was only a mile away!  Neighborhood parents chatted a lot.  However,  we all grew up and many of us moved far away just like everyone else.  Fortunately,  I didn't move far and retained some dear childhood friends to this day whom I see frequently and for lengthy visits. 

Perhaps you can reach out to long lost local friends and start anew or participate in your community whether it's your local church if you're faith based,  volunteerism,  serving the disadvantaged,  join clubs,  fitness groups,  hobby groups,  MeetUps,  walk together and your options are limitless. 

Since you are blessed to have a partner,  strike up new friendships.  Host a potluck barbecue.  You provide the main dish,  have everyone else bring a side dish,  have soft background music and have a great time.  You will be surprised at how fast you will make friends.  You have to start somewhere.  Instead of wishing,  be a doer.  Dive right in and make it happen.