Should you date an insecure women?

[Alittlehelpplz]

We all have insecurities including myself. I know it, but this girl takes the cake. I’ve never been through this before. 
 

we met at work and we started talking a few weeks ago, things have been going great. 
 

but when we first started talking she asked if anything ever happen between myself and another employee. 
it hasn’t, we became quick friends and we ended on the same projects so we just become close and she is attractive but I’ve never made a pass at her nor would I. We are just friends. 
 

anyway when I told the girl I’m dating this, she didn’t believe me, she thought something was going on. I asked what could I do to prove to her that it isn’t and she didn’t know. So we dropped it. 
 

today we were talking like normal and we just planned a date and she asked me to stay over tomorrow night, we are on the phone. 
 

anyway, we were talking about a work event and I mentioned. Well if my friend went I’m sure she’ll bring a crowd. I didn’t mean anything as by it, it’s just a lot of the guys who work with us like her. 
 

we laughed it off and ended the call later she calls me back saying she’s upset about what I said. I asked why and she said she doesn’t like the way I think about her. I said I didn’t understand the issue we are just friends. 
 

she then tells me she needs time to sort through her feelings because she’s scared of her feelings for me because she thinks she’s going to get hurt because she thinks something is either going on or did go on or will go on. 
 

im frustrated because I’m sitting up planning dates and planning on spending my time with her on this event and she’s just worried about the girl showing up. 
 

what should I do? 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

she didn’t believe me, she thought something was going on. I asked what could I do to prove to her that it isn’t and she didn’t know.

You don't need to prove yourself to her. If she doesn't believe you, don't date her. She has trust issues that she is dragging into this fledgling connection. 

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

we were talking about a work event and I mentioned. Well if my friend went I’m sure she’ll bring a crowd. I didn’t mean anything as by it, it’s just a lot of the guys who work with us like her. 

Eh, a fairly innocuous but rather bone-headed comment on your part. 

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

she then tells me she needs time to sort through her feelings because she’s scared of her feelings for me because she thinks she’s going to get hurt

It's best if you two just leave it here. This is likely not going to work, because she's never going to feel secure that you're not into this other woman. You will wind up jumping through hoops to soothe her insecurity, which is not the basis of a healthy relationship. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

anyway, we were talking about a work event and I mentioned. Well if my friend went I’m sure she’ll bring a crowd. I didn’t mean anything as by it, it’s just a lot of the guys who work with us like her. 

Translation: My friend is hot and a lot of men are around her. I am not saying this is your fault because its clear your date is a very jealous person in general. But saying how your friend is hot just adds a fuel to the fire and you should refrain from such comments.

I had my share of issues with jealous ones. One had an issue because my childhood friend was with me at my home. While also my and her parents where there. So she literally issued me an ultimatum for breaking up to choose between her and my childhood friend. Other had a problem because(in a spirit of conversation) I asked about her friend, who she told me previously had a medical intervention, how she is. She thought i am interested in her friend and not her because I asked. Because she was mad jealous at her friend who was the one men are usually interested with. 

Anyway, my point is, even though this incident is on you, whole jealousy thing is on her. That is her issue to work on. Since she probably wont, this is something it will keep repeating later. Next time it would be some other friend(or even just the same one) or just some women she thought you looked at while you were at the date. She wont suddenly change and you  would always have that kind of problems. So yes, its the best to just not date somebody like that.

[Andrina]

Don't allow yourself to be blamed for a crime you didn't commit. And because of this, you can't enjoy your time with her so what's the point of dating her? This is supposed to be a time of having fun together, being flirty, hearing interesting stories about a person's life. That's not happening so move on to find a woman who is actually fun to be around.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Don't allow yourself to be blamed for a crime you didn't commit. And because of this, you can't enjoy your time with her so what's the point of dating her? This is supposed to be a time of having fun together, being flirty, hearing interesting stories about a person's life. That's not happening so move on to find a woman who is actually fun to be around.

I tried to date a very insecure man who had no reason to be so.  At all. He was 40 and I was 38.  His comments were annoying and frustrating.  After a few dates/weeks I told him so.  He apologized profusely and said he was in therapy for it and would change.  He did for about a week then resumed.  A week or so later I was DONE.  And he was handsome, smart, successful, kind.  He's 60 now.  Still single.  In the last 20 years he's had one long term relationship to the best of my knowledge (we are FB friends, I've set him up with my friends and he is involved in the same sport as one of my relatives so I connected them some years ago.  He had one LTR a couple of years ago for about 9 months.  Not sure why it ended but he was very unhappy.  He was over the moon about her.

[Lambert]

This is a total manipulation tactic. It's not just women. It's not just romantic relationships. Friends, men, family are  all capable to do this. to try to control others. 

I would dump this person.  Anyone that needs space from you, should get all the space in the world.  As in good bye. 

This is a selfish person. You will spend the whole relationship jumping through hoops to solve feelings she can't even explain. 

You can do better. 

[smackie9]

omg just run forest run! RUN for the hills!

[lostandhurt]

Been down this road with an absolutely gorgeous woman inside and out.

 What I can tell you is this is only the beginning unfortunately.  In my case it didn't even have to be with someone I knew, even a stranger in the market smiling at me and it set her going.  I heard things like "I trust you I just don't trust other women"  The thing is she  was drop dead gorgeous with a smoking hot body and had guys after her everyday where ever she went and I trusted her completely and never once thought I couldn't.  She actually got mad at me because I wouldn't attend a business coffee meeting with a guy that had tried to get into her pants on several occasions.  I told her I knew she could handle herself and I trust her not to do or say anything that would harm our relationship.  To her it was so foreign it was hard to comprehend.  Jealousy seemed like an act of love and devotion to her.

 She had zero to be insecure about but it never stopped.

 I am a very honest man and believe strongly about right and wrong and she knew and experienced that with me but no matter how safe I tried to make her feel it was never enough.  There was always another threat just waiting to take what she had.

 I made the mistake of thinking she would trust me and let it go but it wasn't me causing any of her insecurities, it was inside her all along.

 You can give her the space she wants and if she does decide to continue seeing you then you need to have a serious talk about trust, respect and character.  Or cut her loose and look elsewhere. 

Dating a coworker can be problematic and her issues could make it way worse.

Lost

[catfeeder]

While it's true that this woman is setting up eggshells for you to walk on, I notice you couldn't resist testing that point by stirring the pot a bit with your unnecessary comment, knowing full well that this was a risky button to press. So here you are.

You get to decide whether you want to keep playing in that sandbox from hell to see how bad it gets, or not. 

[yogacat]

The comment you made about your female coworker, yes, not the brightest thing to say. But I gather that this co-worker is super attractive and the woman that you're dating is threatened by her and the countless men that swarm her. 

So, you know full well it's not really a 'you' issue. It's a 'her' issue.

I think you've done pretty much everything you can to assuage her feelings about you and this co-worker.

But, honestly, that's really not something you have control over. 

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

she then tells me she needs time to sort through her feelings because she’s scared of her feelings for me because she thinks she’s going to get hurt because she thinks something is either going on or did go on or will go on. 

Insecurity doesn't come from no where. There is a reason she feels that way, even if it isn't immediately obvious and may have nothing to do with the actual facts of the situation between you and this other woman. While it's clearly a fustrating situation and something you would prefer not to go through, maybe it would be useful to look at who is and if there might be a cause for her insecurity.

Does she have prior history with this woman? Did the woman do something to her that would make her leary of you being around her? If a person hurt you once, it makes since that you would be suspicious of them.

Has she been been hurt in a relationship before? Perhaps she was left for someone else. So now she expects it to happen again and she sees this woman, for whatever reason, as a threat that could take you away.

I was once interested in someone who was insecure. Various things in her past caused her to run at slight things that came up or to make excuses. I calmly worked through the insecurities with her. I didn't want to be the one who disappointed her or caused the same hurt she was afraid she would feel. I didn't want to be the one who made those insecurities worse. I stood my ground and was honest, but I was also patience and went at her speed. And while there were rocky times, there was also great times. In the end, it was worth it.

What you should do depends on how YOU feel. How much do you like her? How well do you connect together? When you are with her, do you each feel that spark? If this is too much for you to handle, then don't be with her. But if you think something is there, then it is worth pursuing. Recognize that it isn't your fault she is like this and that ultimately she has to be the one to work through things herself. But there also might be a very valid reason for her behavior, one that you could help resolve.

Some times the best things in life are worth fighting for, despite the fears and insecurities we all carry.

 

[Alittlehelpplz]

On 7/12/2024 at 11:28 PM, Alittlehelpplz said:

We all have insecurities including myself. I know it, but this girl takes the cake. I’ve never been through this before. 
 

we met at work and we started talking a few weeks ago, things have been going great. 
 

but when we first started talking she asked if anything ever happen between myself and another employee. 
it hasn’t, we became quick friends and we ended on the same projects so we just become close and she is attractive but I’ve never made a pass at her nor would I. We are just friends. 
 

anyway when I told the girl I’m dating this, she didn’t believe me, she thought something was going on. I asked what could I do to prove to her that it isn’t and she didn’t know. So we dropped it. 
 

today we were talking like normal and we just planned a date and she asked me to stay over tomorrow night, we are on the phone. 
 

anyway, we were talking about a work event and I mentioned. Well if my friend went I’m sure she’ll bring a crowd. I didn’t mean anything as by it, it’s just a lot of the guys who work with us like her. 
 

we laughed it off and ended the call later she calls me back saying she’s upset about what I said. I asked why and she said she doesn’t like the way I think about her. I said I didn’t understand the issue we are just friends. 
 

she then tells me she needs time to sort through her feelings because she’s scared of her feelings for me because she thinks she’s going to get hurt because she thinks something is either going on or did go on or will go on. 
 

im frustrated because I’m sitting up planning dates and planning on spending my time with her on this event and she’s just worried about the girl showing up. 
 

what should I do? 

She got over it, well I thought. I asked her out and she said yes. We went to dinner and had a great time. We did end up having sex that night and things seemed great, she asked me to stay the night and I said sure. As we were sitting there, she brought up the other girl. Saying that she feels uncomfortable with our relationship. She said she wouldn’t ask me to stop talking to her but she doesn’t know if she’s ok with it. She says it bugs her that all our other coworkers think we are together. She said since we met we have basically ignored every other person and just been around each other. That really wasn’t true. She was the first person to speak to me at this job and we just became friends and in turn we hang out a lot at work. 
she says she flirts with me, and she asked if I was attracted to her. I told her the truth, I said I thought she was cute but I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with her we are just friends. I told her I talk to her like I would talk to one of my male friends. She asked why if I talk to her that way. I said no. It’s different. I told her I talk to you like someone I’m trying to date so I’m not going to be bsing and telling stupid to you. 
 

we basically went back and forth until I told her I’m not sure what I suppose to do if you don’t want me to stop talking to her and she asked if we can just be friends and put up boarders because she’s scared of getting hurt. I asked what she meant and she said she wanted to take sex off the table completely and not talk on the phone as much. I said ok if that’s what you want. 
 

she then said but we can still talk like friends on the phone and still hangout. I told her we never did that before we started dating so maybe it’s best we just go back to the way it was. 
she didn’t like that, I told her I’m not sure what you want then. 
am I just suppose to act like we are dating without actually dating and no physical connection. I said I was sorry but I wanted our relationship to build organically without any of these games. 
 

we both got dressed and I was leaving and she asked where do we go from here. I told her that I wanted to date her but I’m not willing to play this game. She understood. 
 

I then kissed her thinking it was going to be our last kiss. That kiss turned into a lot more and after she just fell asleep on my chest. Woke up a bit later and was happy and giddy. Kissing me and really sweet. 
she said for now she might be overthinking things. Maybe we should just take one thing at a time and I agreed. 
 

im worried though, are we just pushing off a huge problem that will hit was later? 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

im worried though, are we just pushing off a huge problem that will hit was later? 

Very possibly.

I mean... She even brought this up after having sex. She's clearly very jealous/insecure and it sounds like no amount of assurance will do.

1 hour ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I told her the truth, I said I thought she was cute but I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with her we are just friends.

I don't know what to say, but your answers are not helping 🤦🏼‍♀️

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

im worried though, are we just pushing off a huge problem that will hit was later? 

Yes. 

This woman is too much in her own head about this cute coworker. That is very unlikely to just go away. I would expect this new woman to again pull back once the afterglow of recent sex has worn off. 

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

As we were sitting there, she brought up the other girl. Saying that she feels uncomfortable with our relationship. She said she wouldn’t ask me to stop talking to her but she doesn’t know if she’s ok with it.

What did I tell you about jealous women? She literally tried to coerce you so you wouldnt talk with your coworker with "I wouldnt ask you to stop talking to her but it would be nice if you would because I am not OK with it" talk. This wont go away. Ever. Her erratic behavior just gets worst and worst. Now you are OK with it because you have sex but later down the line you will grow very tired of it. 

4 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I told her the truth, I said I thought she was cute

Piece of advice: If any other girlfriend after this one(because this one is dead on arrival as a relationship) asks about if other woman is cute, your only answer should be: No, I think she is ugly and you are the only woman in my eyes baby.

[Batya33]

Edit the title of your thread "should I be worried about dating and having sex with a woman who is intensely focused on our coworker and my impression of her to the point that she wants to dial back our interactions?" Yes.  Don't date her.  Also please be careful with all the oversharing about how cute you think the coworker looks -especially since this woman you are involved with is so insecure all you need is her spreading information at work that you're gossiping about this woman's looks behind her back.  

I think she enjoys having sex with you then regrets it later.  Not fun.  

Also most people don't ask their partners what they think of someone else's looks unless they know they'd be fine with the answer if the answer is -yes she's pretty.  Etc. There's no reason to go there/have that conversation, ever.  She is because it reinforces in her head that she doesn't measure up looks wise -and she's right in a way - since you told her you think coworker is cute that gets totally magnified in her head especially after having sex with  you.

For example I dated someone many years ago who ironically had worked with a woman who was the daughter of my coworker -and this woman was very cute/pretty.  My boyfriend had had a huge crush on her and maybe they had one date.  He told me this I think because I was bound to find out small world style.  I didn't bother to ask him if he found her attractive -I mean -duh of course he did.  Was I insecure? A little for a little while but I didn't burden him with it. He was obviously into me and I moved on.  

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Piece of advice: If any other girlfriend after this one(because this one is dead on arrival as a relationship) asks about if other woman is cute, your only answer should be: No, I think she is ugly and you are the only woman in my eyes baby.

PREACH haha 😇😆

It reminds me of the episode of Friends when Rachel asks Ross about the women he cheated on her with! "Was she good?" And Ross going "Uhhhh. She was different". Chandler in the back was shouting something along the line of "Say she was terrible. Bad! Just bad... Uhhh no. Wrong answer!"

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

She got over it, well I thought. I asked her out and she said yes. We went to dinner and had a great time. We did end up having sex that night and things seemed great, she asked me to stay the night and I said sure. As we were sitting there, she brought up the other girl. Saying that she feels uncomfortable with our relationship. She said she wouldn’t ask me to stop talking to her but she doesn’t know if she’s ok with it. She says it bugs her that all our other coworkers think we are together. She said since we met we have basically ignored every other person and just been around each other. That really wasn’t true. She was the first person to speak to me at this job and we just became friends and in turn we hang out a lot at work. 
she says she flirts with me, and she asked if I was attracted to her. I told her the truth, I said I thought she was cute but I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with her we are just friends. I told her I talk to her like I would talk to one of my male friends. She asked why if I talk to her that way. I said no. It’s different. I told her I talk to you like someone I’m trying to date so I’m not going to be bsing and telling stupid to you. 
 

we basically went back and forth until I told her I’m not sure what I suppose to do if you don’t want me to stop talking to her and she asked if we can just be friends and put up boarders because she’s scared of getting hurt. I asked what she meant and she said she wanted to take sex off the table completely and not talk on the phone as much. I said ok if that’s what you want. 
 

she then said but we can still talk like friends on the phone and still hangout. I told her we never did that before we started dating so maybe it’s best we just go back to the way it was. 
she didn’t like that, I told her I’m not sure what you want then. 
am I just suppose to act like we are dating without actually dating and no physical connection. I said I was sorry but I wanted our relationship to build organically without any of these games. 
 

we both got dressed and I was leaving and she asked where do we go from here. I told her that I wanted to date her but I’m not willing to play this game. She understood. 
 

I then kissed her thinking it was going to be our last kiss. That kiss turned into a lot more and after she just fell asleep on my chest. Woke up a bit later and was happy and giddy. Kissing me and really sweet. 
she said for now she might be overthinking things. Maybe we should just take one thing at a time and I agreed. 
 

im worried though, are we just pushing off a huge problem that will hit was later? 

Oh boy... This woman is all over the place.  

She first mentions she is uncomfortable with your relationship with the co-worker, then she flirts with you, then has sex with you, then she does a complete 180 and says she wants to take sex off the table and not talk on the phone as much. 

I recall I was dating someone for 1.5 months, I had been ill, and he inferred that I was kissing other men. I thought his reaction was purposefully hurtful. Especially since he wasn't looking to jump into a 24/7/365 type of relationship - like why would he even care? So I pretty much left him. 

She needs to learn how to self-soothe because while I agree that your comments about your co-worker are not helpful, she is essentially backing you into a corner to give her reassurance which is confusing.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/12/2024 at 11:28 PM, Alittlehelpplz said:

anyway, we were talking about a work event and I mentioned. Well if my friend went I’m sure she’ll bring a crowd.

^^Excuse me but what?

Knowing how insecure she feels about this woman, if I may ask, what prompted you to make such a comment? 

Next time, think before you speak and be sensitive and aware of the impact your words might have on an already insecure woman.

Not suggesting you should walk on eggshells, but that comment was as @MissCanucksaid, rather bone-headed. 

She's your girlfriend not a frat buddy.  I'm not even insecure, but that comment would irk me too.

On 7/12/2024 at 11:28 PM, Alittlehelpplz said:

she then tells me she needs time to sort through her feelings...

Good for her.  She's taking care of herself.  I wish more women would do this!  Instead of remaining in situations that cause them anxiety and make them feel insecure.  Which differs for every woman. 

She knows what she needs, in a man, in a boyfriend, what will make her feel safe and secure and apparently you're not it.  It's unclear to me why some other responders are faulting her for this. 

I liken it to a man who still talks to an ex.  Some women are okay with this, some not.

The work woman is not an ex, but nevertheless she feels insecure about this woman and my guess is the comment you made wasn't the first one you've made whether you were aware of it or not.

Anyway, some people have advised you to run for the hills. 

Sounds like SHE beat you to it!!

I don't envision this working out, sorry. 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

She even brought this up after having sex. She's clearly very jealous/insecure and it sounds like no amount of assurance will do.

^Not the type of assurance you give anyway. 

Look man, let this go.  You're a mismatch.  Go find yourself a chick who doesn't mind you commenting on the attractiveness, hotness, cuteness of other women.

She's not one of them.

Not saying she's blameless, she never should have gotten involved with you and/or introduced this back and forth, push/pull. 

But she gave it a shot, decided it's not for her.

Let it go.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 7/13/2024 at 12:03 PM, catfeeder said:

While it's true that this woman is setting up eggshells for you to walk on, I notice you couldn't resist testing that point by stirring the pot a bit with your unnecessary comment, knowing full well that this was a risky button to press. So here you are.

You get to decide whether you want to keep playing in that sandbox from hell to see how bad it gets, or not. 

I agree with this^^.  100%.

However it seems SHE has decided she no longer wants to play in sandbox.

Took her awhile to get there cause she was into you.  Push/pull, etc.

But this is done, sorry man. 

[rainbowsandroses]

One last comment for next woman fwiw.

When a woman asks "do you think she's pretty or hot or was she better in bed" etc, first off it's a * test, imo.  She's seeking reassurance.

So reassure her.

You don't have to lie, simply choose to not play the game.  

"She's ok but I'm not dating her, I'm dating YOU.  I think you're beautiful and then change the subject. 

Make how you feel or felt about other women a nothingburger and for the love of all things beautiful, stop making bone-headed comments such as the comment you referenced in your original post. 

Sorry it didn't work out man.

 

 

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

Play stupid games. Earn stupid prizes.
Considering it's only been one date, which of course you accept her offer for sex, to which she then demands to who you can and cannot speak with at work...no offense, but how are not seeing the glaring red flags here?

She must be hot, and it's always the nutties that are rock your socks off the bat; I share this with jest:

Insecure people don't ask you to not speak to pretty coworkers with no reason other than jealousy.  You new friend is just toxic.

[ShySoul]

On 7/15/2024 at 10:31 PM, Alittlehelpplz said:

I asked what she meant and she said she wanted to take sex off the table completely and not talk on the phone as much. 

she then said but we can still talk like friends on the phone and still hangout. 
am I just suppose to act like we are dating without actually dating and no physical connection. I said I was sorry but I wanted our relationship to build organically without any of these games. 

Being friends and hanging out is not playing games. It is letting it build organically, going at the pace that she is comfortable with.

Having sex, arguing over another woman, then having sex again though, that is playing games. Though for all we know, the arguing and games could be a turn on for either of you.

What is it you want? If you don't feel you can handle her emotional instability, then let her go now before it gets any further. If you want to be with her, understand that this is where she is at. She's insecure and dealing with a bad hangup on this issue. It probably would be best to do just what she said in the first place. Take sex out as it's just confusing things. Hang out. Talk on the phone. Date. Make sure both of you are stable and secure in the relationship, with yourselves, and with each other. Make sure jealously is no longer an issue. Then progress further.