Sarah Smith Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 I quite recently started dating someone. Most other things are really great. But there’s this one incident that I am not sure about. We went to a party. Before we even started drinking, he asked me if it’s okay for him to kiss his friends (both male and female, as he specified). A part of me thinks it’s good he communicated it openly and asked rather than doing it behind my back. The other part of me thinks that I don’t want something long term with someone with these kinda desires / lifestyle. So is this really a good or bad thing? Im not sure if it means I can trust him more or less. I am so confused, opinions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smackie9 Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 It should be said: is this nothing or is this something? Not your cup of tea right? Nothing to be confused about...if it makes you feel uncomfortable you dump him. Simple as that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 Kiss hello and goodbye or kiss romantically?? Also do you typically go out drinking -like to get drunk -with a new person you're dating -the way you described it sounded like drinking was some sort of activity. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah Smith Posted July 12 Author Share Posted July 12 13 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Kiss hello and goodbye or kiss romantically?? Also do you typically go out drinking -like to get drunk -with a new person you're dating -the way you described it sounded like drinking was some sort of activity. There is a bit of a liberal culture around here where people make out at parties. So I am not sure about what he meant, but probably something along those lines. I personally don’t like partying, I rarely ever do. Only if there is a real reason to celebrate. I have many interests and passions Id rather spend my time doing. But he seems to be a bit of a party animal.. I was just trying to involve myself in his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 If it is to make out with someone other than you then this is a bad sign. What is next? Asking if he can have sex with his friends? Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your lives line up very well. It happens and good on you for being open to meeting his friends and doing things he likes to do but in this case it isn't video games or shooting pool it is making out with other people while drunk. Bow out gracefully. "Hi _________, it was really nice meeting you and getting to know you better but I don't think it is going to work out between us." "Best wishes Sarah" Lost 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 2 hours ago, Sarah Smith said: So is this really a good or bad thing? Its a sign that he is gay. Or at least bi lol 59 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said: There is a bit of a liberal culture around here where people make out at parties. I dont care what they do in states like California or wherever that culture is. Somebody who makes out with everyone at the party isnt somebody you should seek if you want a monogamous relationship. Him kissing men also isnt something positive. Not because its gay but because its still kissing somebody else that is not his girlfriend. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah Smith Posted July 12 Author Share Posted July 12 12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said: If it is to make out with someone other than you then this is a bad sign. What is next? Asking if he can have sex with his friends? Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your lives line up very well. It happens and good on you for being open to meeting his friends and doing things he likes to do but in this case it isn't video games or shooting pool it is making out with other people while drunk. Bow out gracefully. "Hi _________, it was really nice meeting you and getting to know you better but I don't think it is going to work out between us." "Best wishes Sarah" Lost Unfortunately, I think you are right :(( the issue is that I really like him and he is sooo sweet in all other ways (except this one thing) so I am dreading it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah Smith Posted July 12 Author Share Posted July 12 14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: Its a sign that he is gay. Or at least bi lol I dont care what they do in states like California or wherever that culture is. Somebody who makes out with everyone at the party isnt somebody you should seek if you want a monogamous relationship. Him kissing men also isnt something positive. Not because its gay but because its still kissing somebody else that is not his girlfriend. Yeah I asked him if he is bi, and he said no, but after all the jokes and comments he makes Im starting to think he’s in the closet 😂 but then again I don’t get why he is so into me (there are no issues whatsoever when it comes to intimacy) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 We can't tell you if it is good or bad for you, because your values are yours. Is it good that he was upfront that he wants to kiss other people? Sure. He is being honest. Is it good if you are looking for a monogamous relationship? No. He is showing you that he enjoys some intimacy with others. It doesn't sound like this is the right guy for you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 15 minutes ago, Sarah Smith said: Unfortunately, I think you are right :(( the issue is that I really like him and he is sooo sweet in all other ways (except this one thing) so I am dreading it If it was easy you wouldn't be here trying to find a way to keep dating him would you? The fact that you came here tells me you know what needed to be done before you started typing but since he is so great you wanted to make extra sure. Trust your gut, not the internet. You sound like an awesome young woman and I am sure there are plenty of men out there that have the same boundaries you do that would love to meet you. This time unfortunately this was a deal breaker of a red flag. Best wishes Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah Smith Posted July 12 Author Share Posted July 12 32 minutes ago, lostandhurt said: If it was easy you wouldn't be here trying to find a way to keep dating him would you? The fact that you came here tells me you know what needed to be done before you started typing but since he is so great you wanted to make extra sure. Trust your gut, not the internet. You sound like an awesome young woman and I am sure there are plenty of men out there that have the same boundaries you do that would love to meet you. This time unfortunately this was a deal breaker of a red flag. Best wishes Lost Yeah you are right. Thank you for your kind words 😊 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waffle Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 The guy you're dating wants to make out with other guys? Bad sign. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 4 hours ago, Sarah Smith said: The other part of me thinks that I don’t want something long term with someone with these kinda desires / lifestyle. If this isn't what you are interested in, then it isn't what you are interested in. You should be with someone who shares you're same values and beliefs. If having an open relationship where you are free to kiss other people isn't for you, then you shouldn't be with someone that wants that. You're not bad for wanting what you want. He's not bad for wanting what he wants. It's two people who aren't a good fit and want different things. So respect each others rights to pursue what will make them happy and set each other free to find someone better suited for them. You do seem like a sweet person and I think it's great that you tried to take part in what he enjoys. But if you aren't comfortable with it, then you shouldn't have to do it. In the end, always stay true to yourself and follow your own heart. You'll find someone who is right for you, someone who will only be interested in kissing you. And once they start, they'll probably have a hard time stopping. 😉 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 5 hours ago, Sarah Smith said: There is a bit of a liberal culture around here where people make out at parties. So I am not sure about what he meant, but probably something along those lines. I personally don’t like partying, I rarely ever do. Only if there is a real reason to celebrate. I have many interests and passions Id rather spend my time doing. But he seems to be a bit of a party animal.. I was just trying to involve myself in his life. That doesn't sound liberal -simply sounds like certain people prefer to have options as to who to hook up with if they get bored with their date or partner -I wouldn't escalate it to some culture, whether liberal or conservative. He chooses those options. I wouldn't involve myself with someone who behaves that way including the partying but that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 5 hours ago, Sarah Smith said: There is a bit of a liberal culture around here where people make out at parties. I'm pretty liberal and open to people doing what they want, but that doesn't sound like a good time to me. If I'm with someone, I want to just be with them and know they are with just me. If this is the lifestyle they choose, let them have fun with it. But if you want something different, pursue the thing you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 Just now, ShySoul said: I'm pretty liberal and open to people doing what they want, but that doesn't sound like a good time to me. If I'm with someone, I want to just be with them and know they are with just me. If this is the lifestyle they choose, let them have fun with it. But if you want something different, pursue the thing you want. Drinking at a party and making out with other guests isn't a lifestyle -it's simply what this person chooses to do and the types of parties he goes to involve alcohol and hooking up. OP you can be a flexible person and choose not to date someone whose values and behavior are not compatible - this is not about whether you'd be his friend but whether it's fun for you to go to parties where you will have to be comfortable with your sooooo sweet guy sucking face with random people - and of course he might be very into you but he's not interested in a committed relationship with you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 Lifestyle: someone's way of living; the things that a person or particular group of people usually do (from cambridge dictionary) In other words, they style in which a person lives their life. Anything can be a lifestyle. In this case it seems very much like an open relationship/swinger mindset. Swingers actually refer to their community as "the lifestyle." If they choose to go by that, I'll let them use whatever word they want to describe themselves as. https://www.thecouplescenter.org/better-understanding-open-relationships-and-non-monogamy/ Sarah, all semantics aside, follow your own heart and have the kind of relationship you want to have. You deserve the kind of love and happiness that will fulfill you. What anyone else thinks, says, or does doesn't matter. What counts is that it's right for you. And the person who is right for you will want the same kind of relationship as you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 4 minutes ago, ShySoul said: Lifestyle: someone's way of living; the things that a person or particular group of people usually do (from cambridge dictionary) In other words, they style in which a person lives their life. Anything can be a lifestyle. In this case it seems very much like an open relationship/swinger mindset. Swingers actually refer to their community as "the lifestyle." If they choose to go by that, I'll let them use whatever word they want to describe themselves as. https://www.thecouplescenter.org/better-understanding-open-relationships-and-non-monogamy/ Sarah, all semantics aside, follow your own heart and have the kind of relationship you want to have. You deserve the kind of love and happiness that will fulfill you. What anyone else thinks, says, or does doesn't matter. What counts is that it's right for you. And the person who is right for you will want the same kind of relationship as you. I don't have the same definition of lifestlye- mine is not that broad and I don't buy that he is choosing to do this because of where he lives etc -he is choosing it because he likes drinking and kissing random people. To elevate it to a lifestyle denigrates what lifestyle means to me. It's not semantics to me. If he is a swinger and in a swingers community -yes that is a chosen lifestyle if he actually spends all his time in a community like that but random people all over drink, party and hook up witih multiple people -it's just a way to act especially when drunk. I would assume this guy does what he does cause he gets more pleasure from it than the pleasure of your company in an exclusive relationship. So I'd walk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 Big difference between kissing cheeks versus making out. You learned what he meant, and if it doesn't sit well with you, that doesn't make you a prude. It wouldn't sit well with me, either, and I'd gracefully bow out of any future dates with the guy. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 On 7/12/2024 at 11:57 AM, Kwothe28 said: I dont care what they do in states like California or wherever that culture is. @Kwothe28I live in CA and "making out" at parties is not the culture here as standard. California IS known for being a liberal state however it's quite diverse with respect to political views, race, religious beliefs, lifestyles, etc. OP, this would absolutely not be acceptable to me and frankly would probably dump a man for even suggesting the idea. Also the fact you dislike parties (which I do as well even though I live in CA lol) suggests you and this man are completely incompatible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kwothe28 Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said: @Kwothe28I live in CA and "making out" at parties is not the culture here as standard. I am sorry, but this sounds straight out of SoCal book of extreme progressives and wouldnt be surprised its exactly South California. 🤣 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yogacat Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 He enjoys an open partnership/non-monogamy style arrangement. It's great that he's open and honest with you. I've been approached by couples that wanted to add me to their "collection" to know this is not a unique viewpoint and although it works for some, it is not my cup of tea. Kissing others may not be a deal breaker for some but sounds like it's not your thang! Perfectly valid response on your part. It would be mine too 🙂 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainbowsandroses Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 40 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: I am sorry, but this sounds straight out of SoCal book of extreme progressives and wouldnt be surprised its exactly South California. 🤣 Haha, well me personally, I am actually a mix of both, liberal in some ways but also quite conservative in others. You'd be surprised how conservative I am! But it's cool @Kwothe28you can think and believe what you wish, I'm not offended. In truth I was raised with mostly Eastern European values and beliefs, as I'm first generation Lithuanian! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cherylyn Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 He's weird. I tend to avoid weird people or anyone who is off. Pay attention to your intuition because it's always right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
breakthrough Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 On 7/12/2024 at 9:37 AM, Sarah Smith said: I quite recently started dating someone. Most other things are really great. But there’s this one incident that I am not sure about. We went to a party. Before we even started drinking, he asked me if it’s okay for him to kiss his friends (both male and female, as he specified). A part of me thinks it’s good he communicated it openly and asked rather than doing it behind my back. The other part of me thinks that I don’t want something long term with someone with these kinda desires / lifestyle. So is this really a good or bad thing? Im not sure if it means I can trust him more or less. I am so confused, opinions? Good sign, trust me. It's a big red flag if he didn't ask. He's being straight up with you, so you can't knock him for that. And importantly, he's framing himself as a guy who values honesty and openness in the relationship. It's irrelevant that he wants to kiss friends. That's not a big deal. What matters is that he got your permission, and he's transparent about his social life. If you're unsure about dating him because of this, then you doubt his integrity, and that's a dealbreaker. If you date him, you need to be cool with it. If you aren't, then you're just playing games with his feelings, and that's not cool. So what's the real problem here? You need to decide, and fast. Don't waste his time if you're not sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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