Will this haunting feeling stop?

[JayJ34]

I (20 Male) went through my first break up last October. It was a devastating experience, lost my girlfriend and like 80% of my friends at once. I was beeing stupid, did something not so clever, nothing that involves cheating, but I hurt the people around me. I deserved what happened and learned from my mistake. My ex broke up with me and left without leaving a note except insulting me in every way possible. 

I started dating again few months ago, met a few women but did not met anyone special, fell in love with another women from my work place but broke it off with her, because she was hurting me due to past trauma from her previous relationships. 

This women from my work place didnt fell in love with me, and litterally started seeing other people a day after we stopped dating. We had a few talks and everything is fine between us, she asked me a few weeks ago if it is okay for me if she meets other people at our workplace, I work at a bar. I told her she could do what ever she wants, who am I to tell her what to do.

Since then, I see her with at least two different men each week at the bar flirting or even making out. I cannot describe the way this hurts, but again, it was my mistake to start something with a colleague. I will not do that again, lesson learned.

But still, all this seems to get over my head right now. She started making out with people I know at the bar and out of the blue I suddenly miss my ex again, I dream of her regularly. My closest friends do not bother to text me or ask me to meet up, or how I have been even though I havent seen them in months. They take me for granted and I can sense that. I have been crying the last few days whenever I am in my room by myself and feel such a pressure on my chest 24/7.

Since my break up I focused on myself, or at least thats what I thought, I worked a lot and saved more than 12000 Euros to get my motorcycle license and buy a motorcycle which I dreamed of since I was 14, I am in the best shape I have ever been in my live and I experience what people call the  "pretty privilge". People start to actually notice me and talk to me more openly without me making any further effort.

But what I realised is that even though I pursue my daily life and try to keep progressing in what I do, I feel like I ignored my mental health. I worked on my hobbies and job, but neglected my mental health and it all comes crashing down on me right now.

I dont know what to do actually or how to work on these emotions. I thought I processed my break up and the heartache but apparenlty I havent. People say to focus on yourself and keep your day busy, so that with time everything gets easier, that is exactly what I have been doing, but it actually doesnt help. I feel like I give so much to the people around me and I get nothing in return, no one truly cares about me. 
I feel like leaving everthing behind here and move away, I will start studying computer science in October and I plan on doing it in another city far away. 

I dont know what exactly to ask here, does anybody of you have ever been in a similar situation? Any advice? 😕

[TeeDee]

You took a heavy blow.  Break ups are tough.  Now you are having to see the next woman date others.  That's a smack in the face & a reminder you don't need. 

You need some distractions & some confidence builders.  Work overtime if you can or pick up a side hustle.  Keep busy.   Change something about yourself.  Work out.  Get a hair cut.  Buy some new clothes.  Learn a new skill.  What you do doesn't matter just do something different.  The plan to study computer science is a good one.  You don't have to do it in a new city but you can.  Factor in the costs of moving before you make too big of a leap.  The academic environment alone may be enough of a new thing for you & a fresh start. 

Enjoy your motorcycle & use that "pretty privilege" of yours to your advantage to make new friends

Try to repair your old friendships.  Reach out to them. Be fun & interesting.  

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, first breakups are hard. It's natural to pour any loneliness or dissatisfactions into that experience, because it's an easy and obvious target. Also, watching an ex date make out in public isn't pleasant, no matter how detached you believe you are. It's kinda gross and desperate, especially if you believe that any part of it has to do with rubbing your nose in it.

We're all prone to periods of disharmony and loneliness sometimes, especially in contrast to the happier times we've enjoyed. The absence of such periods ever being enlivened in us is a gift, not a given.

Your friends may not be proactive with you at this time in their lives because their focus is redirected. This may feel like a personal slight at a time when you're feeling a bit sensitive, but it's helpful to view diverging paths with friends as a natural occurrence, and not always permanent. To mitigate resentments about this, step up to do your part to keep in touch regardless of where you currently land on their priority meter. This may not feel particularly satisfying in terms of your loneliness in the moment, but if you redirect your focus as one of serving 'them-not-me', you may find yourself building a kind of bond that would otherwise never happen, and this can enliven something positive in you--and them. Offer to help them with a project or treat them to a meal. Don't judge their self-absorption, but rather, assume that this will be the case and just flow with it. You will plant seeds that show them that you care for them beyond any self serving motives, and this is good for your own head regardless of well you estimate they've received your efforts. This is 'subtle' work. People tend to reflect on it far later than you'd prefer, so ditch expectations.

There's something to be learned from humility and selflessness whenever we are feeling at our worst. Often our discomfort is less about what we're not getting and more about what we're not giving. Same is true of stepping up for family members. Whenever I've stepped out of my own way to put my own anxieties and problems aside to focus on friends and family and neighbors as a distraction, something special and unexpected grew out of that, which can only be experienced, not described. However, I did visit a therapist during a difficult transition to dump my emotions and 'check in' with someone trained in this stuff to confirm that I'm not crazy. If you're so inclined, a clergy member can also serve this purpose--someone neutral to hear you dump your stuff and assure you that your emotions are valid, your behaviors are rational, and you are suffering a transition that is temporary as long as you don't engage in the kind of self talk that works against transcending it.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Andrina]

At your age, in many instances, romances are short-lived because sometimes a person feels too young to get into something so serious, and/or wants to have many dating experiences to learn who is right for them and who isn't.

I did have a similar depression close to your age, where I too had one particular breakup that hit me hard. And then my close friends were too busy with their boyfriends and maybe new friends to have as much time for me as they did in the past. In my case, in hindsight, I ended up settling with a few new friends I didn't really jibe with much, and then I dated and ended up marrying someone I settled with as well. I was not in a good mindset and I should've taken a break from dating and worked on other areas of my life to achieve fulfillment during that time period.

Saying that, I think it'd do you good to take a break from dating. Since you bought a motorcycle, how about joining a motorcycling club? Usually there are forums where they announce a date and time and place to meet for an hours-long or day trip. A good way to share your passion with likeminded people to put a spark back into your life. 

Going to another city for school if it's doable isn't a bad idea. It might mean an exciting new chapter in your life. 

You say some of your friends haven't been in touch, but also think about if you've done enough yourself to keep in contact and arrange get-togethers. It can't be one-sided. But if you reached out and they blew you off, then yes, it's time to seek out making new friends.

Take care.

[catfeeder]

30 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You say some of your friends haven't been in touch, but also think about if you've done enough yourself to keep in contact and arrange get-togethers. It can't be one-sided. But if you reached out and they blew you off, then yes, it's time to seek out making new friends.

I agree that it's never too soon to keep seeking out new friends. As we get older, our instances of hitting true simpatico will be fewer and fewer, but that's also why those relationship become more valued for their rarity. Meanwhile, we learn to adapt to adults who are less flexible and more set in their ways. We embrace smaller points of commonality and keep our focus there. A tennis buddy may not be great at conversation, a movie friend may not share our politics, and a confidante may hate crowds and never want to share public events with us. We adapt to the limits of people with respect, and every once in while, we hit a jackpot with someone who aligns with us in the way a 'best friend' did while we were young and homogenous and open. But that's rare, so adjust expectations.

However, I'd be careful about what I consider to be 'blown off' by historical friends. Our life stages play into this dynamic, and we stop sharing the same stages at a pretty early age. I have some very old friends, and we've survived periods of absence in favor of being gracious about bad timing given our juggles with new priorities. You may find that someone who's deeply in love or who's knee deep in diapers or who's rebelling against prior servitude toward goodness in favor of finding their inner brat isn't exactly singling you out with rejection. They're temporarily focused on a new life stage, and when maturity and sentimentality prevail (they usually do at some point) you'll be remembered as one of the most important heroes of their life, and you'll cross paths again and be treated as such with a resurrection of the friendship on new ground.

This is just the stuff of 'cycles' rather than adversarial, and I would not create and nurse wounds unnecessarily. I never expected half the people who've cycled back into my life to be so dedicated to reviving our friendship, but since I never burned bridges or held grudges, I've been astounded and blessed by the influx later in life.

Key here is, not everything is about US. We are often left to swim on our own, and looking back I can tell you, despite the discomfort, that's not necessarily a bad thing if we don't treat it as such.

[JayJ34]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This is just the stuff of 'cycles' rather than adversarial, and I would not create and nurse wounds unnecessarily. I never expected half the people who've cycled back into my life to be so dedicated to reviving our friendship, but since I never burned bridges or held grudges, I've been astounded and blessed by the influx later in life.

Key here is, not everything is about US. We are often left to swim on our own, and looking back I can tell you, despite the discomfort, that's not necessarily a bad thing if we don't treat it as such.

The friends I have actually are busy with studying, I know that. But I am busy too, I still make time for meetings. I texted them, they said they would reach out when they got the time. I know it has less to do with me as a person, but as I said I am actually really aware of my friends, ask them always how they are doing and reach out just to know what they have been up too. Probably it is one of these cycles right now you refer to, I just feel a little bit let down right now.

Thanks for your answer.

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, JayJ34 said:

The friends I have actually are busy with studying, I know that. But I am busy too, I still make time for meetings. I texted them, they said they would reach out when they got the time. I know it has less to do with me as a person, but as I said I am actually really aware of my friends, ask them always how they are doing and reach out just to know what they have been up too. Probably it is one of these cycles right now you refer to, I just feel a little bit let down right now.

Thanks for your answer.

I hear. It's bad timing, but it's also not personal. It just feeeels that way because it's a sensitive time for you. Unfortunately, it's the opposite of a sensitive time for them. They are focused on their own self interests like a laser beam, and that's not the right time to seek empathy or sympathy. That's not a moral finger wag on anyone--it's just practical.

This doesn't make anyone a villain. It's also not the last time you'll find yourself disappointed by people you believed were in your corner. It may have been true when they gave you that impression, but expecting that degree of loyalty will set you up for dis-illusion-ment. Sure, it's common to hear such stories of such friends in the lives of others, but that's the stuff of 'above-and-beyond' legends, not what's typically true for everyone. 

Think of expectations as entitlement. Sure, we can adopt such a state and feel righteous about it because we are also making such an internal commitment to those onto whom we're projecting those expectations. But really, we're building a fantasy and then feeling ripped off whenever others don't perform to those expectations. That's not against the law, it's just a disappointing way to live.

You'll learn this in every work and life situation. Respect the limits of others. Avoid projecting your highest standards onto anyone but your SELF, and do not expect others to act in accordance with those private standards. This way, you'll be able to roll with reality even while enjoying the occasional gifts of others who do rise far above what you could have fathomed. You'll appreciate those gifts as gifts rather than take those people and instances for granted. So it's all a win/win.

Meanwhile, you've been forced into some self sufficiency, and you get to decide how you want to view that. If you see it through a lens of disappointment, you will feel lousy about it. If you view it as a challenge to build your resilience, you will reach out to people or books or videos that can teach you how to augment that important life skill.

I have faith in you. You can do this.

[ShySoul]

First, consider yourself lucky you are not with this woman from your work. Someone who goes from date to date, flirting and making out constantly with different peope, isn't someone you want to have a relationship with. She doesn't know what she wants and isn't ready for a real relationship. She doesn't respect the people she is with, trading them in and out for the next model. Even if you aren't together, it would still show some class and respect to not make out with them right in front of you. This is a person focused solely on what they want in that moment. See her for who she is and realize she isn't good for you. You deserve better, someone who will give you their full attention and really take the time to love, care for, and understand who you are.

I agree with you, keeping busy doesn't always help. When I've had heartache I've been told the same things. But time doesn't heal all wounds. You still hurt. You still cry. And that pain goes on far longer then people would have you believe. The reality is that you keep busy because you have to. The only other option is to spend all your time in tears feeling alone and depressed. While that can be good to do, letting yourself really feel everything going on inside you, its not healthy to do it all the time. So you have to find a balance, trying to find a little hope and happiness each day.

At one point someone had hurt me and left me devestated. Friends and family were never around and didn't really seem to get me. I had given so much to help people, only to be hurt in return. Strangers had just decided they didn't like and were saying mean things to me. Luckily I had one person who was there for me, who understood and accepted me for me. I did just pick up and move, essentially leaving everything I had ever known behind, to be near that one person. And I was better off for it. Sounds like you might need that fresh start as well.

In the end, happiness can't come from others. It has to come from within us. We have to take care of our own mental health first and be comfortable just with who we are. The only one we can really trust to be there for us, is us. It's not about keeping busy or distracting ourselves. It's about embracing ourselves and learning that we are enough on our own. It's becoming the complete person we want to be and being our true, authentic self. It's learning to not care what others thing and forge our own path. 

I found when I decided to stop looking or caring about having someone in my life and just be happy being with me, that's when I actually find that one who did get me. Not putting pressure on myself to have that allowed me to be more comfortable and happy with myself which in turn allowed the door to be open for someone to walk into my life.