Can't make sense of my girlfriends(25f) actions, should I trust her?

[whatami91]

Background

My girlfriend and I are in our mid-20s and have been together for a little over two years. In the beginning, we had a lot of arguments over small things because we didn't know how to comfort each other or understand why certain things about each other bothered us so much. These arguments were frustrating and often dragged on for hours with us both trying to prove our points. Things got really bad around the 1.5-year mark, with near-daily arguments making both of us fed up. 

My girlfriend is generally really anxious and has abandonment issues but I and everyone I introduced her to all got the impression she's super caring and cares a lot about me. She's never taken advantage of me in most ways, never belittled me about anything, never used me for money even though she doesn't make a lot of her own money, etc. She's truly went above and beyond in planning things for me and trying to make me happy even when things were rough.

The Incident

One day, while I was using her phone, she got a text from some guy, asked for her phone back, deleted all his texts, and wouldn't let me see her phone. She said it was a guy she had hooked up with before we started dating, who she'd stayed in contact with but almost stopped talking to after we got together. Recently, she helped him with job applications because he became homeless. Although he lives across the country and I wasn't worried about physical cheating, she admitted he had flirted with her occasionally, but she "ignored it". She deleted the texts because of our constant arguments, and she desperately wanted to avoid having another argument. She admitted it was wrong to let the guy flirt with her, and I tried to move on.

However instead of moving on, I became paranoid, constantly checking her phone and asking for proof of her whereabouts. I eventually got therapy to address my issues and stopped snooping for a month, which improved our relationship tremendously. However, I later asked her for proof of where she was, and she reluctantly complied.

Another Incident

She got a text from a male friend asking to hang out. I checked her phone and saw they had been calling each other 3-5 times a day for brief "check-ins." Weirdly, these calls were usually only 1-2 minutes in length. After the previously mentioned incident where I became really suspicious of her, she got worried we'd fall into arguing again and deleted all their phone logs. She also said after that happened, they briefly got coffee, but she hadn't seen him for years prior to that. He's also called her asking to hang out with him and their mutual friend before all of this, I heard the conversation and it seemed completely innocent. 

Current Situation

Now, I'm confused. Therapy and self-reflection have helped us stop arguing completely, but I'm still suspicious of her commitment. The coffee meeting could have been cheating, this is dumb to say but the guy is less attractive than me, and their recent conversations seem normal. Our relationship is otherwise strong, and she is traditional and family-oriented, wanting marriage and kids. She spends almost all her free time with me, as she has few friends(not coping, she genuinely just has pretty much no friends which I know is a little ironic considering she's hidden interactions from me but it's true)

How do I move on from this and believe her? Should I? After the first incident, she got easily upset when I asked for proof of her whereabouts and that our I'd become so distrusting of her. Now, she's open and understanding whenever I get concerned and handles it well. She's currently on vacation with her family in a foreign country and sends me video updates of everything she's doing and I can video call her whenever I want.

This whole situation is extremely difficult to wrap my mind around, I know in just about every similar scenario it would seem like cheating. And reading it back it almost certainly seems like it. But I wish I could get across by text the regret I feel from her and all the genuine good she's done for me over the years. Her anxiety has led her to acting poorly towards myself and her family, and I don't know if this is coping but cheating is the last thing I would've ever expected of her. She cries every time kids come up in movies or in discussions because we started having that conversation pretty deeply around the time the second incident happened. I'm lost and I'd appreciate any input.

[whatami91]

Forgot to add, I know it doesn't seem like it from the post, but our relationship is truly fulfilling when things are good, to a level I never thought possible. Our arguments were from immaturity and big egos when it came to seeing eye to eye on things, it was never anything that catastrophic. She's supportive, cares for comforting me, doing special things for me, and so on. Even when things were bad we still did our best to make sure the other person was doing okay and assured them it was just a dumb argument. 

[MissCanuck]

All the therapy in the world isn't going to change the fact that she has been hiding things from you. 

I would personally not trust her. You have been shown that she is not transparent and is too friendly with other guys behind your back. There is zero reason she needed to be calling another guy multiple times a day to "check in." Come on, now. 

I think you are trying very hard to convince yourself she is not the person she actually is, 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, whatami91 said:

She said it was a guy she had hooked up with before we started dating, who she'd stayed in contact with but almost stopped talking to after we got together. Recently, she helped him with job applications because he became homeless.

You dont help to somebody you dont talk with stuff like that. She is lying.

2 hours ago, whatami91 said:

She got a text from a male friend asking to hang out. I checked her phone and saw they had been calling each other 3-5 times a day for brief "check-ins."

That is just weird. And suspicious.

2 hours ago, whatami91 said:

She also said after that happened, they briefly got coffee, but she hadn't seen him for years prior to that.

Also a lie. She hears with him 3-5 times a day. If he is local, they are definitely seeing each other.

I am not telling you this to amplify your distrust. I am telling you this to make you aware that your distrust is there because your girlfriend is what it is. There is no point in practicing trust and going to therapy for it, when the other side is talking and seeing with people who are, by her own admission, interested in her. 
It would get you nowhere. 

Break up and try to find somebody who would actually be loyal to you. That way you wont have to worry about stuff like this.

[TeeDee]

I am a trusting person.  Other than deleting the messages which I see as a childish attempt to avoid triggering you, all I see is a woman who has male friends.  

Instead of being overly suspicious, try asking if she can be more open.  That doesn't mean you get 24/7 access to her phone or that she has to prove to you where she is but perhaps you can meet these other guys.  Have a video chat with the homeless guy.  Meet with her & the guy doing the check ins.  If she's not OK with that, then you have problem. 

FWIW the minute some guy I was dating demanded I prove my location I would break up with him.  You are her BF not her dad or her jailer. 

[smackie9]

This is why we date...to see how we get along, how they fit into your life, can build a good foundation of trust, respect and honesty and expectations are being fulfilled/compatibility. So what I have read, you have very little of that, and you are not looking at this beyond your own nose. This relationship was doomed right from the start. It should have been cut short. I tell you this...you don't stay in a relationship that requires a lot of work, has struggles, and frustration. You end it, learn from it, and with what you have learned you apply that when selecting a new partner. 

[catfeeder]

I'd delete all my texts, too, if I had a prying BF who snooped my phone. But wait--no, I wouldn't delete my texts, I'd delete the BF. Given her patience with your intrusions, it's up to you whether you want to continue to sabotage what you describe as good thing, or whether you'll want to wear her down to finally giving you the boot.

I have plenty of correspondence in my phone from all sexes, and my business about that is my own. If I were with someone who found that suspicious, I'd spare him the detective work to try to nail me on something, and I'd graciously allow him to pull that crap on the next girl, because a relationship without trust isn't a relationship in my eyes, it's adversarial, it's toxic, and it would have no place in my world.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'd delete all my texts, too, if I had a prying BF who snooped my phone. But wait--no, I wouldn't delete my texts, I'd delete the BF. Given her patience with your intrusions, it's up to you whether you want to continue to sabotage what you describe as good thing, or whether you'll want to wear her down to finally giving you the boot.

I have plenty of correspondence in my phone from all sexes, and my business about that is my own. If I were with someone who found that suspicious, I'd spare him the detective work to try to nail me on something, and I'd graciously allow him to pull that crap on the next girl, because a relationship without trust isn't a relationship in my eyes, it's adversarial, it's toxic, and it would have no place in my world.

I felt this way many years ago when I was in my late 30s and the 40 year old guy I'd dated a couple of times saw me looking for something in my purse- looked in -saw business cards, asked me where they were from (a networking event) and said in a suspicious tone that he thought I'd said I didn't mingle that much at those events or something where it looked like I might be trying to meet other men or being inconsistent with a comment I'd made about networking events.  It made zero sense other than -huge red flag.  More insecure nonsense behavior continued so it was a short lived dating relationship.

[Andrina]

She's an adult, yet chose to let another man continually flirt with her over the phone. She values the ego boost more than retaining a healthy relationship with you. She's only sorry she got caught. 

But yes, you shouldn't have snooped even after that. With so many arguments since day one, her emotional baggage of abandonment, and then interacting inappropriately with another man, you should've thrown in the towel at that point and not lowered yourself to becoming a spy.

[lostandhurt]

Obviously she is doing shady stuff, there is no doubt about that.  The why doesn't matter because she is in complete control of her own actions and anything else is just an excuse.

 She likes the attention these other guys show her and she allows it to continue to the point of  meeting one of them for coffee.  She hides and deletes and lies to you.  This isn't just a woman with some male friends, this is a woman that is doing shady stuff behind your back with make "friends"

 Cheaters lie but when they lie they sprinkle a little bit of truth into the lie just in case they get caught or called out.

 It sounds like you do not want to break up with her as you make a lot of excuses for her so as I see it you have only two options.

1. Wait until she returns from vacation and after she has settled in after a few days sit down with her completely calm and have a discussion about boundaries.  Things like is it okay to be friends with ex's or people you have had sex with.  Is it okay to meet them alone secretly?  Is it okay to talk on the phone several times a day. Stuff like that and see where you both stand and if there is some common ground.  If not there is no reason to go any further but if you both can agree on healthy boundaries like no snooping or checking up on each other then simply tell her you know she wasn't completely truthful about her interactions with  these other men recently and to move forward she needs to come clean on what happened.  If she insists she told you everything you can either end it right there or thank her for being honest with you and then go to your other option.

2. Act like everything is perfectly fine, do not check on her, do not snoop in any way and give her as much space and freedom she should have anyways and sit back and wait and watch.  If she is cheating it will not be long before she thinks she is in the clear and starts up again. It may be check ins with other men, it may be flirting or a full blown physical affair but you will know if you know what to look for.  Asking a cheater if they are cheating only tells them to be more careful, it almost never gets anyone the truth. 

Unfortunately if it comes to these options the relationship is in really bad shape so ask yourself "should it be this hard?" 

Lost

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Other than deleting the messages which I see as a childish attempt to avoid triggering you, all I see is a woman who has male friends.  

Instead of being overly suspicious, try asking if she can be more open. 

Think that's on point.

Because you had so many issues, you each took a different lesson from it. She thought it was better to just delete and stop everything so as to avoid any argument. If she has anxiety issues, even the thought of another argument probably was upsetting to her. So she took the path of least resistance and just tried to put an end to whatever was upsetting you so that you could move on. But in turn, all it did was trigger your suspicions even more.

Because you are used to problems, you are now seeing them even if they aren't there. You are jumping to conclusions you have no proof of. You have made depends on her and shown you don't trust her. No person is going to be okay with that. A relationship without trust is asking for trouble. You stopped snooping for a month. Good. Now stop permanently. Don't make demands upon her like that. Learn to trust her.

What has been missing all along here is healthy communication. Learn how to have disagreements without it becoming a major fight. Learn how to share your feelings without it being accusation to the other person. Learn to trust and encourage each other, helping each other be better people on the whole.

 

 

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, whatami91 said:

Therapy and self-reflection have helped us stop arguing completely, but I'm still suspicious of her commitment... She spends almost all her free time with me, as she has few friends(not coping, she genuinely just has pretty much no friends which I know is a little ironic considering she's hidden interactions from me but it's true)

You are suspicious of the commitment of someone who spends nearly all their free time with you and doesn't really have any other friends? You are suspicious of the commitment of someone who gives in when you demand proof of her whereabouts? Wouldn't those be signs that she is choosing you first, even above herself? You talk about her going above and beyond planning things for you. She supports and comforts you. Isn't that commitment?

What have you done for her? Do you go above and beyond planning things for her? Not saying you don't, but you seem fixated on all the things you getting out of it and haven't mentioned the things you are giving to her.

This kind of relationship actually doesn't sound healthy for her. She has constantly given into your demands, isolated herself from others, is expected to stop talking to guys because you worry she might be cheating. It's stifling her. She should be encouraged to be free to do what she wants and be freinds with whom she wants. 

And never arguing can be just as bad as always arguing. No couple will agree or get along all the time. Sometimes arguing can be healthy for a relationship, as long as it's done in a mature manner that seeks to work things out rather then attack or hurt the other person.

17 hours ago, whatami91 said:

The coffee meeting could have been cheating, this is dumb to say but the guy is less attractive than me, and their recent conversations seem normal

Sometimes coffee is simply coffee. Why is the first thing that comes to your mind cheating?

And what does attractiveness have to do with anything? He is less attractive in your mind. But attractiveness is subjective. And the things that are really attractive are on the inside. Cheating is genrally caused because of a lack of emotional connection, not physical. I would be more focused on ensuring she is getting her emotional needs met.