Am I being fair

[TimeTold]

So I have been in relationship for one year with a divorcee. Was married for 21 years, now divorced. His ex wife was also his first real relationship. I am now his 2nd. We are both 49.

when he separated from his ex he got an apartment. I started dating him a couple of months after the completion of my new 4400 sq ft new construction home.

we knew each other for a few months prior. I was living in his community while my house was being built. We never dated back then, we would occasionally just walk our dogs together.

so I completed my build in March, and him and so started dating in July. We moved really fast in our relationship, but it felt right. A month later he practically starting staying with me full time. He still had his apartment which he would occasionally go by, but it was never to spend the night, just to get fresh clothes etc. moving forward to about six months in. (Note, there were occasional arguments that led to him staying at his apartment for a couple of nights or so).anyway, by the six month he had the majority of his clothes/toiletries at my home. I did his laundry, majority of the cooking and occasionally cleaning outside when the cleaning lady would come. Oh his shedding dog moved in as well, my dog does not shed or smell - very well kept. 
 

we went out often to nice dinners and such. He always took care of it. We had two date nights per week. He also paid for groceries when we went together. I would pay if I was alone grocery shopping. We shopped at Costco, at least every three weeks. 
 

now in the time he lived with me, I never asked him to contribute to the household bills (mortgage, utilities, etc). I took in a large landscaping project in which he had the most suggestions. Spent close to 40k on this project overtime. He never contributed or offered to assist, needless ti say i didnt ask him too. I’m kind of weird like that, I would think the person would have the decency to offer up in the least. 
 

now, fast forward closer to a year. During a dispute I mentioned to him that he could at least offer to pay the cleaning lady since most of the mess comes from him and his dog. Cleaning lady came a week or so later, he didn’t offer not did I ask. 

i am a very independent woman with what was once a very long standing successful career. Which leads me to mention, I was laid off (not upset about it), I was offered an excellent and more than fair separation agreement package. I decided to use this “sabbatical” to focus on starting my own business, which I have not launched yet.

last week, i asked him for a large sum of money to help me out with expenses and some of the past projects. He gave it to me. He owns his own successful business. A couple of days went by and he wanted to discuss why i needed the money and mentioned my separation package. I was not ready to go into detail because there was tension in the air (unrelated to this). He got very upset that I was not in the mood to talk at the very moment and flew off the handled at me. He started to pack some of his clothes and said he is going to his place for a couple of days, I said no, take all your stuff and don’t come back. He sent me some really nasty text. When he is hurt or angry he lashes out with very rude words. I then explained in text what I thought about him not contributing or even volunteering. I checked my account and he started to submit payment to his business in the sum of what he gave me, basically taking back the money that he supposedly gave to me in good faith and gesture, basically these transactions were unauthorized so the bank is working with me to get it back. What is crazy, u was going to send him the money back, even though it was a gift to me. But now it’s the principle of the matter for me.

 

can you all help to shed some light on all of this - was I wrong, was he wrong? Just anything. I am venting at this stage but looking for a sounding board as well. 
 

Also note, his mother, sisters, and ex wife he felt took advantage of him throughout the years and really bad to their husbands. He always said I was different and very independent. Take note as well, in the entire we have been together, I never once asked him for anything. 

[LotusBlack]

I think what should have happened from the beginning when you first started cohabiting, is that you sat down together and came up with an arrangement about who was responsible for what in terms of household related stuff and then also a financial plan. You had expectations that weren't voiced but assumed and then was upset after the fact, and he showed great inconsideration by just taking and never offering much of anything. 

I think that he was wanting to slip back into his old situation with a woman who took care of everything like might have been the case in his long-term marriage. 

You made the right decision about him not coming back because I don't think it was a healthy dynamic or relationship; however, I also think that at no point were boundaries, expectations, or responsibilities discussed and you were then retroactively upset, which also isn't really fair if you'd not established the above-mentioned clearly and with both of you on the same page. 

Keep moving forward, let him have his money back and then wipe your hands of your involvement with him. Pursuing the money thing will only draw things out and nothing was ever made official in writing and so there aren't any legs to stand on really. Take it as a lesson not to combine finances and/or expenses with someone you're not well established with.

Edit: I also agree with below comments that it was all too much too soon. Slow the pace in the next relationship.

[Andrina]

A bit tough to keep track of your timelines, but it's usually not a good idea to make major decisions like moving in together before you've known each other a good year. Obviously "feeling right" about it at the time didn't end in this being a good decision. You don't make major decisions in the honeymoon stage where you're high on new relationship vibes.

It was also a mistake to not sit down before moving in together to first decide who would be paying what and who would be performing particular chores/rotation of chores, etc. In doing so, you two could've at least seen if you were both on the same page and both felt the plan was fair.

I don't see why he should've contributed to your landscaping project. So new into the relationship, he doesn't own the property and if he'd done that, he'd be kicking himself now since you've broken up. 

It's like you expected him to read your mind about stepping up. And then you said, "You could at least pay the cleaning lady." That's really an attacking way to request something. Yes, he doesn't sound like an ideal partner. And is out of line if he calls you names, etc. I'm just pointing out your behavior so that you can improve for the next relationship. Basically:

Take on a your fair share of the chores, not more than he does.

Ask for what you'd like to happen with finances and chores in a mature way. 

Don't have important talks through texting.

Know a man a year or more before moving in together.

Don't move in together until you're both on the same page about all major things, and of course if he treats you well.

[LotusBlack]

19 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I don't see why he should've contributed to your landscaping project. So new into the relationship, he doesn't own the property and if he'd done that, he'd be kicking himself now since you've broken up. 

This ^^ It is your house and your mortgage, not his. As such, he is not responsible for paying any of it. You chose to act on his landscaping suggestions, which is on you, particularly as, it appears, you never discussed with him your expectation that his suggestions required financial contributions in order to action them. They were just that: suggestions; you weren’t obligated to act on them. He also shouldn’t be expected to contribute to a mortgage of a property he has no legal right to. Now, you could have asked for rent, which is totally appropriate. But, again, none of this was discussed and so it is not very fair to expect something retroactively. 

Would a decent person offer to contribute more to the household and on-going expenses, such as internet, utilities, etc.? Yes, they would. As such, I also think you dodged a bullet as this man takes advantage of others it seems. But, neither of you communicated healthily or effectively. Forget him and move forward. Block all contact to help with this process.

[rainbowsandroses]

58 minutes ago, TimeTold said:

Also note, his mother, sisters, and ex wife he felt took advantage of him throughout the years and really bad to their husbands. He always said I was different and very independent.

I am always really leery when a new man starts in with how badly other women treated him and took advantage of him blah blah.  HE allowed it and imo a good man will first off not allow himself to be "taken advantage of" and secondly take ownership of it and NOT bytch about it to a new girlfriend!  And then to go on and praise you?  You are different, etc?

This is manipulation and a big red flag IMO and a real turn off.

At this point, it's not a matter of whether you were fair or not, it doesn't even matter.  What matters is that this leech is out of your house and hopefully out of your life.

I'm sorry I wish I could be more positive but going forward stay away from men who bytch about ex's or any woman and how he was taken advantage of, treated badly etc.

Nothing good or positive will ever become of getting involved with a man like that as sadly, you have just figured out.

 

 

 

 

  

 

[TimeTold]

Hi Lotus, I agree. Expectations were not established when we started to “play house”. 
 

his ex wife didn’t really take care of him. He took care of the household financially and worked a lot of hours. The relationship was practically over 7 years in. They stayed together for the sake of the kids; until they went off to college. 
 

I was the first woman who basically did everything for him and showed him a different way of life, as per him. He said he gave up on love until he met me. Part of me want to make this work, but then at the same time I know we are both stuck in our ways and it will never work. When it comes to women he is so jaded. He brought with him a lot of emotionally trauma.

[lostandhurt]

So he kind of moved in but not officially discussed. You shared some expenses but also never discussed them all the while he was still paying for an apartment.

 Were you living together?  Did he think you were living together?  Was he ever asked by you to move in? If so why keep the apartment?

Since it is your home then the mortgage and landscaping costs were yours to pay because if you break up he has nothing.  Now sharing other household expenses is absolutely fair but needs to be discussed ahead of time.  Utilities, cleaning, gardener, pest control, groceries and the like can all be worked out but it needs to be discussed not assumed.

  He didn't take advantage of you, both of you simply didn't work things out.  This reminds me of a thread where the woman thought she was in a committed relationship but never discussed it with her bf until she found out he was still "dating" other women. 

 Things ended badly in the heat of the moment.  Let it cool off a little and talk.  If nothing else it will give you both closure.

Lost

PS  ALL dogs shed, some more than others but they all loose hair all the time just like us.

[TimeTold]

Hi Andria, the landscaping project was really his suggestion/idea. I wanted to wait. He pursued it, met with vendors, picked out the material drawing etc. even got upset when I changed one of the plans. So yes, it’s my house, we were talking about a future together, so I would have expected him to contribute to the cost of that project. 

[smackie9]

Communication...where was any of that truly? Sorry but if you are such an independent woman, then you should be able to speak your mind and set the rules and boundaries of cohabitating on your home/property. He's not a mind reader....in fact men can't understand a woman's mind. So that being said going forward, start letting him know your expectations, and find out what are his...then regulate that throughout your relationship. Pretty simple. 

[LotusBlack]

30 minutes ago, TimeTold said:

 his ex wife didn’t really take care of him. He took care of the household financially and worked a lot of hours. The relationship was practically over 7 years in. They stayed together for the sake of the kids; until they went off to college. 

Be careful of taking what he says at face value. You don’t know the people in his past and have little or perhaps no experience with them, so asserting what they did and didn’t do is very premature on your part. But, what you DO know and DO have experience with, is this man. And what is your experience? A man who has done nothing but take advantage of your hospitality. So, let experience guide your opinion. I’d say that he very likely misrepresented the situation with his family and ex-wife, particularly as he is asserting that ALL the women in his life did this to him. Even if that were true, why is his response to that situation to be to then do the same to you?

[LotusBlack]

28 minutes ago, TimeTold said:

Hi Andria, the landscaping project was really his suggestion/idea. I wanted to wait. He pursued it, met with vendors, picked out the material drawing etc. even got upset when I changed one of the plans. So yes, it’s my house, we were talking about a future together, so I would have expected him to contribute to the cost of that project. 

Again, not if it doesn’t belong to him. I would consider it a huge red flag if my partner expected me to pay towards a property that didn’t belong to me. Was it presumptuous of him to take the lead on the landscaping? Absolutely. Did you have to agree to it? Absolutely not. 

If you were planning a future together, it was necessary to discuss expenses connected to the house and relationship. Instead, you put about 10 carts before the horse without having discussed a single thing.

A question - if he were to contribute financially towards the landscaping and mortgage and asked to have his name added to the title of the property, would you have allowed it? Be very honest with yourself about that answer. If the answer is ‘no’, then it isn’t fair to expect him to pay anything towards the house. It’s simple - say he paid $20,000 (around half of the project cost), then you decided to sell the house. There would be NO legal tie to him in order for him to receive his portion/share back, or even the new value of the property after landscaping - which potentially could increase significantly and you make a profit. 

No, legally and ethically speaking, it was your choice to accept his suggestions and he doesn’t owe you for that. And, definitely not without a conversation about expectations and relationship goals and values, and plans.

A side story: my father met a woman years ago whilst he was living and working overseas. The company he worked for did business with the company she owned. They got together and eventually got married after something like 2 years.

They moved back to our home country and my father helped her find a property to buy. He renovated the property almost entirely on his own and paid for most of the materials. He almost single-handedly increased the value of the property by a few hundred thousand dollars. The property was in her name alone and he didn’t care as it was hers and he wanted to help her out. They also bought a property together, seperate to the one she bought for herself as an investment. 

5 years later, when she got her green card, literally the day of, her personality switched 180 and she jumped in her Mercedes (also her own she paid for) and drove away, just like that. She dragged my dad for over 10 years through the court system. He never wanted her money and she was very wealthy and he not. They were married when she bought that second house and he didn’t expect or want any right or ownership for that, but he did feel he was entitled to be reimbursed for the labour and materials cost because he spent that money in good faith for her, thinking they were forever, and increased the value of the house, but he never put it in writing. Also, none of what he did was his own preference - he followed her instruction in everything and she used him for free labour, which is a significant point of difference between your case and his. Morally, he should have received money for that during the divorce, but didn’t and had no legal ground because he wasn’t on the title. 

If your ex paid towards your place and you broke up, he’d lose all his money.

 

[Cherylyn]

I'll shed some light.  He's a leech and took advantage of you financially.  I hope you've since closed your accounts with your bank,  opened up new accounts,  changed account numbers or instituted stricter banking security for your money.  He's shady and tricky.  I'm glad you dumped him!  You should become more wary and jaded when it comes to some men!  It will save you in the future.  Always make sure your radar is up and beware.  Never let your guard down.

[TimeTold]

37 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

This ^^ It is your house and your mortgage, not his. As such, he is not responsible for paying any of it. You chose to act on his landscaping suggestions, which is on you, particularly as, it appears, you never discussed with him your expectation that his suggestions required financial contributions in order to action them. They were just that: suggestions; you weren’t obligated to act on them. He also shouldn’t be expected to contribute to a mortgage of a property he has no legal right to. Now, you could have asked for rent, which is totally appropriate. But, again, none of this was discussed and so it is not very fair to expect something retroactively. 

Would a decent person offer to contribute more to the household and on-going expenses, such as internet, utilities, etc.? Yes, they would. As such, I also think you dodged a bullet as this man takes advantage of others it seems. But, neither of you communicated healthily or effectively. Forget him and move forward. Block all contact to help with this process.

(I just figured out how to reply to poster loll)

As i mentioned to Andrina, the entire landscaping project was his baby. Even when I changed the plans he came upset. The majority of the project was his idea down to the material they should use. He wanted it a certain way for “our” long term use. I had no problem with that being that I saw a future with us and the landscaping plan was to my liking as well. I just stupidly assumed, especially after the way he was talking, that he would have contributed. 
 

I mean the bills are going to get paid regardless, for me it was more about the principle of the matter.

yes the whole situation could have been handled completely different. So I blame myself completely for that. 

I mentioned the cleaning lady to him a couple of times prior to me actually being frustrated a bit and telling him he could have at least suggest to pay them. 
 

I put money aside to pay my mortgage through the end of this year. As well as have rainy day savings should I need it. In alll our talks I never really focused on the mortgage with him….i was just more concern that he could have at least offered to contribute to utilities and other stuff around the house and leave it up to me to say nay or yay. But again, I could have handled that communication 100% different. Duly noted for next time.

i don’t know I guess I am more considerate than most - while my house was being built, I also stayed with family. They didn’t ask and almost refuse to take I had to forcibly give them a a majority of their monthly expenses on their home. I guess I expected him to think the same. Again, that was stupid of me. 

 

[TimeTold]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am always really leery when a new man starts in with how badly other women treated him and took advantage of him blah blah.  HE allowed it and imo a good man will first off not allow himself to be "taken advantage of" and secondly take ownership of it and NOT bytch about it to a new girlfriend!  And then to go on and praise you?  You are different, etc?

This is manipulation and a big red flag IMO and a real turn off.

At this point, it's not a matter of whether you were fair or not, it doesn't even matter.  What matters is that this leech is out of your house and hopefully out of your life.

I'm sorry I wish I could be more positive but going forward stay away from men who bytch about ex's or any woman and how he was taken advantage of, treated badly etc.

Nothing good or positive will ever become of getting involved with a man like that as sadly, you have just figured out.

 

 

 

 

  

 

Not only his ex wife but all his sisters. Sigh.

[LotusBlack]

17 minutes ago, TimeTold said:

As i mentioned to Andrina, the entire landscaping project was his baby. Even when I changed the plans he came upset. The majority of the project was his idea down to the material they should use. He wanted it a certain way for “our” long term use.

This is where you needed to have a conversation about your future. I would not have allowed anyone to make plans for a property that belonged to me without first having discussed it all very very thoroughly, several times over and determined we were on the same page. Then it would be put in writing.

I, like you, am also very giving. I refuse to be a financial burden to anyone and if I am living with someone and might have to use an item - for example, my son wants a cracker and I have run out so I use my step-father’s - I will buy a whole new packet for him to replace the single cracker I used. Or, if he shouts me to lunch one day, I will insist on shouting the next 2 times, etc. Despite this, I would never allow someone I am not well-established with and who has no legal right to my property, to have any say on my property, because it is not fair to either of us. I would be very firm in that and would not feel guilty for it.

[TimeTold]

34 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Communication...where was any of that truly? Sorry but if you are such an independent woman, then you should be able to speak your mind and set the rules and boundaries of cohabitating on your home/property. He's not a mind reader....in fact men can't understand a woman's mind. So that being said going forward, start letting him know your expectations, and find out what are his...then regulate that throughout your relationship. Pretty simple. 

“If you are such an independent woman”?!

 

I am very much an independent woman. After university and on my own, I always did everything on my own. I never had to ask anyone for anything! Never had these type of issues with my previous relationship(s).

 

I do not think there is any coming back from this one so there won’t anything to regulate. For future relationships I would set clear boundaries/expectations early on. 

[Cherylyn]

He's a bad apple. 

For future relationships,  pay attention to everything.  Have separate financial responsibilities early on and if he refuses to cooperate,  he's not for you.   It's a real deal breaker.  Don't drag out by wasting your time,  energy and money on a man who will give you a lot of headaches,  angst and unnecessary stress. 

[Coily]

This is quite the situation. Which all hinges on the lack of upfront communication from you both about your living situation.  To be blunt no one is in the right given how this played out.  You both bear blame in this. While he should be more circumspect about sending nasty texts in the heat of the moment, you also need to be more firm in your boundaries. and expectations.

Where a lot of this relationship falls apart and gets into the more nasty break up realm is in the amounts of money floating around in this situation. Fighting over the principle of the matter could get you both in some very hot legal waters if this isn't done amicably.

2 hours ago, TimeTold said:

Also note, his mother, sisters, and ex wife he felt took advantage of him throughout the years and really bad to their husbands.

This is something that, some here, will dismiss how much being in this kind of environment will warp a man's perspective on how women will treat him. If this is his expectation of how he will be treated, and taint his responses. Does this justify anything? Not at all; but it does connect a lot of dots as to why he would be so quick to delve into the business money situation here.

35 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

..in fact men can't understand a woman's mind.

1000 times this!!!! About the only mind I can read is my own, if that! lol

 

30 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You should become more wary and jaded when it comes to some men!

Also never make being jaded your go to in dating. Nothing will turn a man off faster than a jaded woman who views every action with suspicion. The man in the now should never suffer the accusations that were never made against the ex who deserved them

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TimeTold said:

Hi Andria, the landscaping project was really his suggestion/idea. I wanted to wait. He pursued it, met with vendors, picked out the material drawing etc. even got upset when I changed one of the plans. So yes, it’s my house, we were talking about a future together, so I would have expected him to contribute to the cost of that project. 

But if you pride yourself on being so independent seems odd to me that you'd take such a passive, submissive approach -about the house you worked so hard to have built and purchase.  You could have waited till you were married and perhaps had a prenup since from what you describe that may have been warranted.

Asking people for whatever doesn't mean a person isn't independent - or dependent- it simply means you are able to take care of yourself financially and otherwise at a level of a reasonably mature adult.  The "I don't need anyone!" doesn't make you independent necessarily -it simply means you've chosen to live without having to be vulnerable. 

I'm a very independent person.  I have been financially independent since 1997 when I finished paying off my grad school loans - I am almost 58.  I even was finanicially independent when I was a SAHM for 7 years. 

And I absolutely ask for help when needed.  I called my mother when I'd been in labor 12 hours by myself -husband was on a plane lol - I was 42 years old.  I've called friends when I needed advice and input and we asked our dear friend to help us when my dad was in a nursing home and being mistreated and we were 800 miles away with our young son.  My parents let me live at home rent free during grad school in my mid 20s. I didn't say I am woman hear me roar I will do this on my own and live on my own.  Because I happily depended on their generosity so I could focus entirely on a grueling graduate school program.  And I didn't feel any less independent.

You're all about trumpeting how you are a home owner, you did this by yourself, etc -and that is a fabulous accomplishment (not one I would ever want for myself but for sure it's a fabulous accomplishment). And yet when you meet someone you've known less than one of your pairs of socks, all of a sudden him and his fur baby are basically living with you, all of a sudden you're making all these odd assumptions about how and when he will contribute, all of a sudden this new man is now dictating an expensive landscaping project and all based on "talk" of a future.  To me that's inconsistent with being an independent person leading an independent lifestyle.

You probably saved for this home and planned it and enmeshed yourself in all the details for years -yes? Then at the drop of a hat you're following around some dude like a non-shedding puppy dog about a massive change to your dream home? And assuming he's going to pay for it?  For sure he also took advantage and for sure I'm surprised that such an independent woman with such a successful career in your past made these choices.  Aren't you??

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, Coily said:

Also never make being jaded your go to in dating. Nothing will turn a man off faster than a jaded woman who views every action with suspicion. The man in the now should never suffer the accusations that were never made against the ex who deserved them

It's permissible to have the right to be wary and jaded internally.  A woman or anyone has a right to how they feel from experience.  I agree, the next man shouldn't be compared to the previous but just go in with your eyes wide open.  👀  😳  Naivete doesn't pay as you,  OP, @TimeTold can surely attest! A man doesn't have to know what you're thinking during every waking hour because your private thoughts are your right.  Being wary and jaded causes you to become extra cautious,  safer,  you learn to protect yourself and you're less apt to make the same mistake twice. 

Not all is in vain.  Bad experiences teach you how to navigate your future more shrewdly which is your safety net.  Live and learn the hard way which was the best way and a harsh lesson you'll never forget.

Go way slower in the future.  Trust in a man is earned and you will require a lot of time,  tests (especially financial) and patience for him to earn it. 

Pay attention to alarming habits such as drinking,  smoking,  drugs or whatever habits because a person like this is not of sound mind which will impact your relationship very negatively. 

Be risk adverse.  Better safe than sorry.

[TimeTold]

17 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

This is where you needed to have a conversation about your future. I would not have allowed anyone to make plans for a property that belonged to me without first having discussed it all very very thoroughly, several times.

I, like you, am also very giving. I refuse to be a financial burden to anyone and if I am living with someone and might have to use an item - for example, my son wants a cracker and I have run out so I use my step-father’s - I will buy a whole new packet for him to replace the single cracker I used. Or, if he shouts me to lunch one day, I will insist on shouting the next 2 times, etc. Despite this, I would never allow someone I am not well-established with and who has no legal right to my property, to have any say on my property, because it is not fair to either of us. I would be very firm in that and would not feel guilty for it.

Totally agree. 
 

wait until I tell the other stuff that affected our relationship, that led to most of the dispute. Keep in mind, finances was not an issue in our relation, meaning, we didn’t have constant arguments about it. The level of finance talk is what I outlined in this post. My biggest qualm with him was about his drinking….

[Cherylyn]

Just now, TimeTold said:

Totally agree. 
 

wait until I tell the other stuff that affected our relationship, that led to most of the dispute. Keep in mind, finances was not an issue in our relation, meaning, we didn’t have constant arguments about it. The level of finance talk is what I outlined in this post. My biggest qualm with him was about his drinking….

Drinking.  Oh boy that's a whole new other beast in itself.  Was he a high functioning alcoholic?  They tend to be reckless and impulsive sometimes.  Pay attention to all sorts of red flags in the future.  It pays to play it safe.  Better to be extra careful than deal with a host of problems later .  .  .  😒

[rainbowsandroses]

58 minutes ago, Coily said:

Also never make being jaded your go to in dating. Nothing will turn a man off faster than a jaded woman who views every action with suspicion. The man in the now should never suffer the accusations that were never made against the ex who deserved them.

Totally agree and IF by chance a person IS (man or woman) keep it to yourself, work through it, don't ever bytch about ex's to a current partner especially during early stages.

Which was precisely what OP's boyfriend was doing by complaining about how his mom, sisters, ex's all took advantage of him, treated him and their husbands badly etc.  Wah wah.  Poor me.  Arghh!!!

It's works both ways!

Big red flag and major turn OFF.  

[LotusBlack]

19 minutes ago, TimeTold said:

Totally agree. 
 

wait until I tell the other stuff that affected our relationship, that led to most of the dispute. Keep in mind, finances was not an issue in our relation, meaning, we didn’t have constant arguments about it. The level of finance talk is what I outlined in this post. My biggest qualm with him was about his drinking….

But, none of that is relevant, really. Your question for this post was "Am I being fair?". In my opinion, no, you're not being fair with your finical expectations because you never discussed about and agreed upon a financial arrangement from the outset. Your question was about whether you were being fair regarding kicking him out and not having him back because of his lack of financial contribution.

Now, regarding his other issues you had a problem with - that is entirely your choice as to whether you stay in that relationship or not. You choosing to be with someone who has habits you don't like - but still decide to remain with them - does not justify unfair financial expectations. Those things are completely separate issues. 

You don't need permission from others to end a relationship. Nor do you need your partner's agreement. If something isn't working for you, you have the right to end it. You can't engage in a relationship with someone who has habits you don't like, but be angry that you have a partner who does that. If it's a deal breaker, then break the deal. If it isn't a deal breaker, then don't take issue with it to the point it disrupts the relationship in an unhealthy way.

[smackie9]

His drinking.....better let him stay in his apartment permanently. No room or time for that in your life.