Being ignored for days after an argument

[Andrina]

Food for thought: Perhaps it was too much pressure on him that he was your sole outlet for a social life, and apparently the only thing in your life that brought you joy. That gets to be too much for a person to handle when he realizes that.

A partner also likes a person to expand their world, not minimize it. Many people like to go out on double dates with their partner's couple friends or be introduced to their group friends. To either hear about the partner's hobby and even engage in it. Perhaps create this sort of fulfilling life for yourself before one day dating again. Using introversion as a crutch isn't working for you. Introverts don't have to be the life of the party nor have oodles of friends, but they can build bonds with a handful of people so that all their eggs aren't in one basket. You can't have all your needs met by one person. Not healthy, nor realistic.

[Jaunty]

On 7/13/2024 at 4:02 AM, r123ok said:

@rainbowsandroses Thank you I appreciate your advice and it does hit home. I do understand that people do need space sometimes, but how long before space turns into just not wanting to talk to me ever again? I do find it difficult to self soothe and am taking this very badly.

I do hope that he could come back and message with some explanation because it hurts a lot just to stop a 2 year relationship just like that, with no contact or explanation at all. I don’t think I could handle having to find someone else and go through it all again.

I do empathize with you, but you have way more than enough information about where he stands with this relationship. I'm sorry to have to say that.  But he has made it quite clear that he is not offering what you need in a relationship.   

I would caution you to thing a little bit more about the other party here.   You are very wrapped up in your own feelings.  That is perfectly normal and not wrong.  But he HAS let you know where HE stands.   He's shown you - in a pretty cut and dried manner.   

You don't want to break up, you dread being single and eventually trying to date again - but, you cannot get something from him that he does not have to give.  

All the painful things you are experiencing right now - you will have to go through them.  I'm sorry.  But keep on going.  You will get out the other side.

[Jaunty]

If it's not too painful - it might really help if you'd share the events that lead up to you getting locked out of his apartment the last time you saw him.

I feel pretty sure that he told you some things you did not want to hear at all during that time.  Or, in any case, that things were not going well between you before you got locked out.

Is that the case?

I feel like he may have been trying to "let you down easy" for a while and you just were not taking that on board.

If that is the case, in any way, then he may be feeling that any communication with you will serve to keep the door open for hope in your mind.   So he does not.

You may have already had the "closure" that you are seeking.

 

[Cherylyn]

Ignoring you and the silent treatment are the same thing.  You need to ask yourself if you're willing to continue this "radio silence" and "crickets" mode forever.  Whenever people do this to me,  the message is:  "I don't care about you.  You don't matter.  I don't give a _______ ."  What do I do?  I dish it right back as should you.  I ignore and get busy with my own life.  Go your own way in life and don't pay attention to people who don't give you any respectful,  gracious attention.  Be fair to yourself.

[HungryGhost]

I'm late in responding, but I just came on for the first time in ages and saw this thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. Hopefully things are already improving for you, since some time has passed. 

I can relate to everything you have said.  You were inquiring about timelines, and what's reasonable in a relationship in terms of space. Well, I went through this 3 times. The first time I was ignored for a week. When I finally did hear from him, it was to break up with me. I reacted exactly as you are. I was devasted, checking my phone constantly, etc. I wasted a ton of time pining for him, wondering what was going on. The waiting and wondering was worse than the breakup. A few months later he claimed to want to get back together which ended in disaster. 

The second time, I was ignored for 3 months. Yes, MONTHS. I decided as soon as I got the "I need space" message that I would not wait around and soon found someone else. He too tried to make the comeback 3 MONTHS LATER but I was long done with that. The only thing I did was ask one last time for him to respond to the long email I sent him when things went bad. He had previously said he responded even though he had not. I don't remember what he said in our last contact but it doesn't matter anyway. It was all lies and i never at any point received an email response. 

As an aside, the person I found while the above was doing whatever for 3 months ended up dumping me in a text message when I didn't even know there was a problem. Unbeknownst to me, my phone was not receiving messages over the course of an evening and as a result I was not responding. So when the messages finally all came in at once, I learned that my relationship was over. I fully agree that your knocking on the door is not the problem, just like my faulty phone was not the problem. There is something else. You may not get to find out what that is. Be prepared for that.

The third ignore was I think a week and a half. My memory of that one is most fuzzy, probably because I gave up on it sooner and more completely than the rest, and probably also because I was living with that guy at the time and had to focus on doing an emergency move instead of any of my emotions or his juvenile BS. That was almost 3 years ago and he still reaches out to me every year at Christmas or new year's. If he does it again this year, I am calling the cops.

So, after all that I have very little patience for disappearing, and although there are no guidelines for these things, it seems like a reasonable amount of time to wait before contacting a significant other to patch things up should be comparable to the amount of time it takes to cool off and gather your thoughts. For me, and I would think for most people, that's a matter of hours and not weeks or months. I have learned not to put relationships on a pedestal even though society constantly tells us to. Now, not only am I completely fine on my own, i prefer it. If it doesn't feel good, then it's not good. Move on, focus on yourself, and hopefully he will learn something from this. This whole situation reflects badly on him, not you.