Being ignored for days after an argument

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

Of course, that was before he left me up that bloody mountain, but, by that point, everything had already been arranged.

Questions that might help the OP: what did your friends say (and did you share about each time you didn't leave) and if they did -say -did it resonate with you -did it help at all in being able, finally, to leave?

Did he ever truly, genuinely apologize for abandoning you like that on the mountain and acting like a jerk about the timing/logistics given the dinner party?

Did you find that the moments of clarity happened only after a significant time apart- obviously you can't measure it precisely but -for me -in one case the clarity, the aha moment took months and was triggered by a well-meaning comment made by a mutual friend of ours, after we were broken up.

 

[LotusBlack]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Questions that might help the OP: what did your friends say (and did you share about each time you didn't leave) and if they did -say -did it resonate with you -did it help at all in being able, finally, to leave?

Did he ever truly, genuinely apologize for abandoning you like that on the mountain and acting like a jerk about the timing/logistics given the dinner party?

Did you find that the moments of clarity happened only after a significant time apart- obviously you can't measure it precisely but -for me -in one case the clarity, the aha moment took months and was triggered by a well-meaning comment made by a mutual friend of ours, after we were broken up.

 

My mother was absolutely p*ssed when he did that and I could clearly see his remorse. There were a couple of other different kinds of incidents that were red flags but I allowed myself to be talked around to moving past them because I wanted to finally mean something to someone. I’ve always been pretty good at reading people and their intentions, but I ignored my own instincts because I’d never really experienced kindness before. I have a very, very toxic and psychologically abusive family that conditioned me for decades to feel like I am nothing. I also allowed friends to walk all over me growing up as a result of the conditioning by my family. So, I only have a handful of friends that I made over the past several years. Even then, i couldn’t say I have a best friend or a friend group, no one I could call if, say, i needed help with something or just for a chat. I think it’s been years since I talked on the phone with a friend and have only met up once with a friend in perhaps 3 years. I chat with the couple I do have every several months. As such, outside of my mother - before she passed, I had no one to talk to. She never told me to leave my boyfriend but likely thought it was more an isolated instance of very poor decision-making and judgment from him. And, she shamed him so much over it that he was very careful never to do it again. But, I think that promise to her and his guilt is what kept him from ending the relationship when his feelings started really changing. So, that wasn’t good either. 

He did genuinely apologise for what he did. I think he took that lesson into other relationships and has been careful about his impulsiveness since.

Anyhow, I will leave off of saying more on my experiences, as I don’t want to highjack OP’s thread. 😅

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, r123ok said:

He didn’t say anything. Just let me in and walked away not talking to me, so I went to bed assuming he didn’t want to talk right now

^^This is what I find so strange and why I think there may be some context missing?

Did HE clearly invite you over?  Or was it assumed because you always went over on the weekend?  So you simply went over as you always did?  Had you discussed it first and he clearly said "come over"?

I only ask because why would he invite you over, but lock the door, finally let you in but walk away and not speak with you?  

I highly doubt it was because you knocked too loudly, HE was the one who had locked you out!  Why?  It's something else, imo.

I'm NOT absolving him of wrongdoing, and if you've given us all the context and he clearly invited you over that weekend, then he's an a**hole! 

If me, nevermind HIM being done, *I* would be done with him!   

Re you're not being able to eat, sleep, concentrate, cope, I felt that way after my first long term boyfriend and I broke up.   I was the one to initiate the breakup, yet found myself feeling extremely anxious unable to eat, sleep, etc.  

I felt that way with one other long term boyfriend as well when the break up was sudden, and I ended that relationship as well.

Although I had good reason so it was a sort of "forced breakup". I still really loved him a lot when I ended it and dependent on him, we'd been together six years. 

My thoughts about why this happens is that it's 'separation anxiety' after a codependent relationship ends no matter who ends it..

I never felt that type of anxiety when it was not codependent which none of my relationships were after that. 

I had taken steps to become much more independent, I learned to love myself first, to respect myself first and never allow myself to become that dependent on a man again emotionally or otherwise such that if it ended, I was unable to cope or function.

That's not to say I didn't need them, I did!  For love, support, companionship, emotional and physical intimacy, frirndship, etc..

But I wasn't dependent on those things or on them, there's a difference.  And it's a balance.

Anyway, just some things for you to consider as you work through your emotions.

@r123okyou sound like a lovely person and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this BS!

If you lived close to me, I'd suggest we meet for dinner!  I would tell you a joke, make you laugh, get your mind off things. 

Perhaps another friend can do that for you?  I would also recommend therapy for you, it's helped me tremendously over the years. 

Please continue posting if it helps and take good care. 💛

 

[r123ok]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This is what I find so strange and why I think there may be some context missing?

Did HE clearly invite you over?  Or was it assumed because you always went over on the weekend?  So you simply went over as you always did?  Had you discussed it first and he clearly said "come over"?

I only ask because why would he invite you over, but lock the door, finally let you in but walk away and not speak with you?  

I highly doubt it was because you knocked too loudly, HE was the one who had locked you out!  Why?  It's something else, imo.

I'm NOT absolving him of wrongdoing, and if you've given us all the context and he clearly invited you over that weekend, then he's an a**hole! 

If me, nevermind HIM being done, *I* would be done with him!   

Re you're not being able to eat, sleep, concentrate, cope, I felt that way after my first long term boyfriend and I broke up.   I was the one to initiate the breakup, yet found myself feeling extremely anxious unable to eat, sleep, etc.  

I felt that way with one other long term boyfriend as well when the break up was sudden, and I ended that relationship as well.

Although I had good reason so it was a sort of "forced breakup". I still really loved him a lot when I ended it and dependent on him, we'd been together six years. 

My thoughts about why this happens is that it's 'separation anxiety' after a codependent relationship ends no matter who ends it..

I never felt that type of anxiety when it was not codependent which none of my relationships were after that. 

I had taken steps to become much more independent, I learned to love myself first, to respect myself first and never allow myself to become that dependent on a man again emotionally or otherwise such that if it ended, I was unable to cope or function.

That's not to say I didn't need them, I did!  For love, support, companionship, emotional and physical intimacy, frirndship, etc..

But I wasn't dependent on those things or on them, there's a difference.  And it's a balance.

Anyway, just some things for you to consider as you work through your emotions.

@r123okyou sound like a lovely person and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this BS!

If you lived close to me, I'd suggest we meet for dinner!  I would tell you a joke, make you laugh, get your mind off things. 

Perhaps another friend can do that for you?  I would also recommend therapy for you, it's helped me tremendously over the years. 

Please continue posting if it helps and take good care. 💛

 

Yes I was invited over, I would never turn up uninvited.

I'm trying to distract myself and do other things, but nothing seems to be able to work and I just find myself breaking down

@rainbowsandroses thank you that's very kind of you! I don't have a lot of friends or close friends, I have tried to talk with a couple of them but they are either too busy or only want to talk very quickly. 

He was the one person I felt I could talk to openly, another reason why I guess I'm struggling. This is helping to be able to talk to people who listen and can understand my situation 

[MissCanuck]

How long were out there knocking before he came to the door? 

Did the neighbours actually complain about the noise? 

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, r123ok said:

Yes I was invited over, I would never turn up uninvited.

I'm trying to distract myself and do other things, but nothing seems to be able to work and I just find myself breaking down

@rainbowsandroses thank you that's very kind of you! I don't have a lot of friends or close friends, I have tried to talk with a couple of them but they are either too busy or only want to talk very quickly. 

He was the one person I felt I could talk to openly, another reason why I guess I'm struggling. This is helping to be able to talk to people who listen and can understand my situation 

I wonder if he invited you over to talk about your relationship because his feelings have shifted, but backed out of it and now he’s acting on his resentment - like an adult tantrum…

Otherwise, most people, when they’ve had a couple of hours to cool down from whatever upset them and they reacted disproportionately to the situation, usually feel sheepish/embarrassed/guilty/ashamed and apologise for overreacting or just being an ahole in that moment. That he is still doubling down and silent makes me think it is not about the knocking at all. Perhaps something not involving you happened in the time between when you last spoke and when you arrived that is taking all his focus and he didn’t want to “deal” with seeing you. 

At this point, it’s all just speculation. I think the not knowing is causing great anxiety for you. I would be done feeling anxious and hurt and would end it myself. Anxiety stems from not being able to control a situation or outcome due to, usually, not knowing what is happening. At least your ending things definitively for the deplorable way he’s treating you, will give you back some of your own agency and remove the anxiety. Yes, you will still be sad, but likely not anxious anymore because you know where you stand, and it was your choice.

[r123ok]

25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How long were out there knocking before he came to the door? 

Did the neighbours actually complain about the noise? 

I only knocked a few times and no one complained 

[r123ok]

22 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I wonder if he invited you over to talk about your relationship because his feelings have shifted, but backed out of it and now he’s acting on his resentment - like an adult tantrum…

Otherwise, most people, when they’ve had a couple of hours to cool down from whatever upset them and they reacted disproportionately to the situation, usually feel sheepish/embarrassed/guilty/ashamed and apologise for overreacting or just being an ahole in that moment. That he is still doubling down and silent makes me think it is not about the knocking at all. Perhaps something not involving you happened in the time between when you last spoke and when you arrived that is taking all his focus and he didn’t want to “deal” with seeing you. 

At this point, it’s all just speculation. I think the not knowing is causing great anxiety for you. I would be done feeling anxious and hurt and would end it myself. Anxiety stems from not being able to control a situation or outcome due to, usually, not knowing what is happening. At least your ending things definitively for the deplorable way he’s treating you, will give you back some of your own agency and remove the anxiety. Yes, you will still be sad, but likely not anxious anymore because you know where you stand, and it was your choice.

I would usually go over regularly, so I don't think it was for any particular purpose or talk, it was just when we would see each other.

This is what I don't understand, I get people needing a few hours or even maybe a day or two, but at this point it's really got me down thinking I'll never hear from him again. 

I would like to be done feeling this way but I find it hard to control. As I say I've tried distracting myself and doing other things but the feeling is always there making me break down and I can't seem to escape it at the moment. I won't get over this quickly or easily at all, I'm the kind of person who's in a relationship for the companionship, love and long term and this will hurt for a while I think 😞

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, r123ok said:

I only knocked a few times and no one complained 

But he got mad at you for knocking too much? 

I realize I have a lot of questions. I am just trying to understand this bizarre chain of events. 

[LotusBlack]

12 minutes ago, r123ok said:

I would usually go over regularly, so I don't think it was for any particular purpose or talk, it was just when we would see each other.

I understand you went over regularly, but I mean that perhaps he wished to talk to you in this specific occasion about something. Who knows.

You can stop feeling anxious about it though, because you have the power to say enough is enough and I don’t accept this treatment; we’re done. Block and delete. Then you can start processing your feelings and move on over time.

At this point, it really doesn’t matter what has happened or why, as his behavior dealing with things is not compatible with a healthy relationship. Instead of waiting to figure out in a week’s time that he’s ghosting you, you can put a stop to things now and tell him you’re done and save yourself the pain of wondering. Do you really want him back at this point? If this is how he behaves?

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

Do you really want him back at this point? If this is how he behaves?

^^Please think about this, because how he is treating you is about as far from "loving you" as one can get.

If you would want him back despite him not loving you then for you, it's dependency not love.

Why?  Because I don't believe anyone could possibly love another person knowing they didn't love you and treated them (you) so deplorably. 

If they did, again imo it's more of an unhealthy emotional dependency on that person rather than real love.

People often confuse the two, and as such remain in or return to unhealthy toxic relationships only to have the same issues repeat and destroying both of them in the process. 

Love yourself more @r123ok, respect yourself more.  Become stronger.  

Tell yourself it's over and if/when he ever reaches out, tell him it's over.  You're worth more than the crap he's putting you through, you have to know that!!

Mind over matter. 

This is something within your control, it's a choice.  

You can do it, I know you can. 

 

 

 

[LootieTootie]

No good-intention boyfriend or girlfriend is going to ask for space and keeps leaving you on read for almost a week without saying something.

Like others said, I would treat this as a break-up or him "ghosting" you. Your ex-boyfriend is a coward but even cowards deserves respect - so if he wants his space, respect his wishes.

Also something tells me you have a lot of good things to say about him, but I think you're omitting the not so good things about him too - hoping theres a chance of reconciliation. 

Try some journaling or just keep writing on here if it helps. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Being ignored is unkind.  There is no fancy way to describe it.  Either put up and shut up or do something about it.  Either remain in this type of relationship where you don't mind this form of mental abuse or don't be with a person who doesn't treat you respectfully even during conflict.  During conflict,  there is a way to argue or disagree respectfully,  calmly and with high emotional intelligence meaning with empathy and efforts resolve it.  Any other way is hopeless and fatiguing.  The real question is how long can you hang on?  How long will ignoring you drag out?  Either have the patience of a saint or get out because you deserve to be with only the best people in your life.  Everyone else is trash.

[r123ok]

Sorry if I’m overstaying my welcome on this thread, but I thought it may help if anyone has any words or advice on how I’m doing with this,

still have heard nothing and I’m slowly coming around to the idea that I may never (still quite emotional about it all, so maybe that’s why it’s taking me time?)

Its hard not knowing why someone would seemingly end a relationship after 2 years of everything being so happy, to just throw that away with no explanation is something I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Right now I’m struggling with next steps. It still makes me very sad all the time and takes all of my strength to get out of bed in the morning and try and carry on my day as normal. I’m trying to distract myself but nothing seems to work, and the thought of being with someone else makes me feel sick (I suppose that changes with time?)

You’ve all been so kind with your advice so far and I’m not sure if or how to begin moving on, and how to deal with this sadness

[rainbowsandroses]

@r123okwhen was your last contact with him?  I read that you messaged him last week but he never responded?  

Do you know if he read the message?  Have you seen him active on SM?

[r123ok]

37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@r123okwhen was your last contact with him?  I read that you messaged him last week but he never responded?  

Do you know if he read the message?  Have you seen him active on SM?

@rainbowsandroses yes I messaged to say it would mean a lot to me if he could message me so that we could talk and know what’s going on. It was read and not replied to, and yes have seen that he’s active 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, r123ok said:

@rainbowsandroses yes I messaged to say it would mean a lot to me if he could message me so that we could talk and know what’s going on. It was read and not replied to, and yes have seen that he’s active 

Well him ghosting after two years is pretty crappy to put it mildly. 

Speaks volumes as to his character and level of integrity, or in his case lack thereof. 

If me in your shoes feeling as you do, I would look within to determine why it is you're still drawn to this person (can't even call him a man at this point) and lord forbid considering going back should he reach out.  He's pretty much bottom of the barrel as far as I'm concerned.  

A good qualified therapist could help you navigate your feelings about that.

Once you achieve self-love and your self-esteem is at the proper level, while being ghosted and/or dumped so suddenly without warning hurts, it will not negatively impact you as it's doing now.

There is a saying I believe in.

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

It's definitely been true for me in my life! 

I wish you all the best on your journey @r123ok, good luck moving forward!! 💛

 

[TeeDee]

You are not overstaying your welcome.  You are hurting.  Take what you need 

I'm sorry he can't be man enough or kind enough to give you a definitive answer.  

The acute pain will pass.  You will be stronger for having gone through this ordeal 

[Cherylyn]

I'm very alarmed by people who ignore and don't give the courtesy and respect of a reply in a kind way.  I've encountered people who ignore if anything doesn't go their way or according to their preference which is despicable.  This type of dismissive,  passive aggressive behavior is very telling regarding what type of character you're dealing with.  It's a very self centered,  selfish way to act not to mention a very typical narcissistic trait.  Beware because these types of people are complicated and extremely difficult to associate with.  You have to constantly bend to their will or the relationship will not survive.  You're left constantly walking on eggshells to keep the peace.  I no longer play this game.  I did when I was younger and then I woke up one day and said,  "No more."  Either the person ignoring you should behave honorably or I consider the relationship dead in the water. 

You need self confidence and high self esteem.  Never allow people to play mind games and head trips with you.  Anytime I get a whiff of these shenanigans,  I'm out.  Done and gone. 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, r123ok said:

Sorry if I’m overstaying my welcome on this thread, but I thought it may help if anyone has any words or advice on how I’m doing with this,

still have heard nothing and I’m slowly coming around to the idea that I may never (still quite emotional about it all, so maybe that’s why it’s taking me time?)

Its hard not knowing why someone would seemingly end a relationship after 2 years of everything being so happy, to just throw that away with no explanation is something I don’t think I’ll ever understand.

Right now I’m struggling with next steps. It still makes me very sad all the time and takes all of my strength to get out of bed in the morning and try and carry on my day as normal. I’m trying to distract myself but nothing seems to work, and the thought of being with someone else makes me feel sick (I suppose that changes with time?)

You’ve all been so kind with your advice so far and I’m not sure if or how to begin moving on, and how to deal with this sadness

My heart goes out to you, and you are welcome to write here as often as you wish.

Your anxiety and your grief sound perfectly natural to me. It makes no sense for someone with whom you've shared a loving relationship for even one year, more so two, to just shut you down with no explanation. I'd find that unforgivable, and if you find yourself feeling angry about that, ride the wave and let it work as a buffer to the pain.

This doesn't mean you'll be able to bypass the sorrow altogether, but it can buy you some energy for getting out of bed and dealing with self care. Do some reading on the stages of grief, which are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Understand that you will cycle through these in a mix that is not linear or measurable, but rather, these will come in waves like a mish-mosh of emotions. Above all else, know that you are not crazy, or inferior, or damaged or any other undesirable stuff that comes up.

You are experiencing anxiety and grief in a way that you do not deserve, and I hope you will continue to use this forum in any way that helps.

[MissCanuck]

Keep coming here to write out your thoughts, OP. 

It's normal to feel upset about this. I don't know anyone who'd simply be able to brush this off and move forward. Of course it hurts and you're confused. 

He's taken the coward's way out of breaking up with you. 

[r123ok]

Thank you all for your kind words,

The other thing that's also worrying me and getting me down is that feeling of loneliness. I'm quite an introverted person and don't have many friends, and we would see each other regularly and have fun out which is something I'd never found anyone to do with before.

Now that he's apparently gone I feel incredibly lonely and don't even know where to start getting any company or friendship.

I can't get that thought and feeling of loneliness away and it doesn't help with current feelings of depression, etc.

[TeeDee]

You are still in the acute stages when the pain is the worst.  It's hard to do anything other than catastrophize but you will find new friends & new love.  Give yourself some time to process.   Reach out to an old friend or family member to catch up

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, r123ok said:

Now that he's apparently gone I feel incredibly lonely and don't even know where to start getting any company or friendship.

I can't get that thought and feeling of loneliness away and it doesn't help with current feelings of depression, etc.

This is why it's never good to sink yourself into one person and isolate yourself from others. Hard lesson, but you can bounce back from this. Use the time that you're forced to be energetic at work to take some breaks and break out your calendar. Reach out to old friends, family, neighbors, meetup.org groups, volunteer causes that interest you. Schedule time with all of them that are commitments you will not break. Offer to help someone with a project, an errand, some gardening, a paint job, or treat them to a meal, whatever they prefer.

The point is to reinvest in those who you've neglected and make this time about them-not-me. This can move you out of your own way at a time when you'd rather hide and sulk. Since you won't feel up to being 'on,' you'll make an excellent listener. You don't need to perform as though everything is fine, but rather you can relax into the humble observation of people you care about as they talk about themselves, their goals, their problems, their jobs and household projects. You'll feel grateful for every moment these people are willing to extend themselves to you and include you in their world. This pain has tenderized you into appreciation of others, and you will build bonds with them in ways that are deep and rich as opposed taking them for granted as you may have done before.

Head high, you can do this. Allow yourself to feel transformed through this experience in ways that may awaken in you a whole new perspective. 

[Cherylyn]

6 hours ago, r123ok said:

Thank you all for your kind words,

The other thing that's also worrying me and getting me down is that feeling of loneliness. I'm quite an introverted person and don't have many friends, and we would see each other regularly and have fun out which is something I'd never found anyone to do with before.

Now that he's apparently gone I feel incredibly lonely and don't even know where to start getting any company or friendship.

I can't get that thought and feeling of loneliness away and it doesn't help with current feelings of depression, etc.

Thank you @r123ok for your kind words, too.

Regarding loneliness,  since I've sat on both sides of the fence,  it's WORSE feeling lonely with the wrong person in your life than feeling lonely because you're alone.  It's WORSE feeling angst,  stressed and depressed because a jerk person doesn't treat you as if you matter.  It's better to have freedom from people who weigh you down and give you a lot of senseless trouble.

Take baby steps.  First,  concentrate on you.  For starters,  take outstanding care of your health.  Then gradually over time,  think long and hard regarding how you can pick and choose people in your life more wisely and shrewdly.  Pay close attention to character and even little details.  Anytime you observe something off with a person,  don't dismiss or think you can change a person because it's impossible.  They are who they are and bail quickly before the situation grows worse.  Not all was in vain.  Take it as an invaluable learning experience.  You grow smarter today and for your future.  That's the silver lining and blessing in disguise. 

Don't think that a person is the end all because you're allowing a person to define you and give you meaning and purpose in your life.  You're more important than that.  Build your high self esteem and self confidence.  Take care of yourself first and foremost because no one will except you. 

Immerse yourself into what you enjoy and whatever suits your fancy.  Don't live like a hermit crab and put yourself out there within reason. 

Also,  from now on only surround yourself with very moral people.  Everyone else is trash. 🗑️