Being ignored for days after an argument

[r123ok]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Have you met any of his neighbours, OP?

I'll explain in a moment why I am asking. 

Yes I've met I think 2 of the neighbours and some of his friends too

[MissCanuck]

When was the last time you saw or hung out with any of his friends or neighbours? 

[r123ok]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

When was the last time you saw or hung out with any of his friends or neighbours? 

We saw and hung out with one of them last Friday I think it was

[Batya33]

To me it's either not the knocking at all or it's a last straw thing.  And yes he has to come to you.  And I'd expect when he does it will likely be to end things.  I'm sorry and I hope you feel better.

[waffle]

When was the last time you saw or hung out with any of YOUR friends?

I don't know how to answer the "how long do I wait for him?" question because I don't wait.  Has this guy always been an ass or is this a new development?  If that's who he is, then this is on you for putting up with it and thus enabling the behavior.  If it's new, then something (or more likely someone) else is going on.

I can tell you that the length of time you "wait" for him is going to be directly proportional to the level of his loss of respect for you.  In other words, the longer you cancel your own life and wait for him to do you the favor of acknowledging your existence, the more turned off he's going to be.

Why does he have all the power in this relationship and you have none?

 

[r123ok]

20 minutes ago, waffle said:

When was the last time you saw or hung out with any of YOUR friends?

I don't know how to answer the "how long do I wait for him?" question because I don't wait.  Has this guy always been an ass or is this a new development?  If that's who he is, then this is on you for putting up with it and thus enabling the behavior.  If it's new, then something (or more likely someone) else is going on.

I can tell you that the length of time you "wait" for him is going to be directly proportional to the level of his loss of respect for you.  In other words, the longer you cancel your own life and wait for him to do you the favor of acknowledging your existence, the more turned off he's going to be.

Why does he have all the power in this relationship and you have none?

 

I do still regularly talk to and see my own friends, the relationship never stopped that.

This is something new - definitely has never stopped communication with me for this long before. I am waiting out of hope that this doesn't have to end and I don't have to keep going through this pain for much longer. Maybe that's not the best way of doing it, but the thought that he may still come back and respond is keeping me going

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, r123ok said:

I do still regularly talk to and see my own friends, the relationship never stopped that.

This is something new - definitely has never stopped communication with me for this long before. I am waiting out of hope that this doesn't have to end and I don't have to keep going through this pain for much longer. Maybe that's not the best way of doing it, but the thought that he may still come back and respond is keeping me going

Unless it was a medical emergency that coincidentally happened after this incident why would you want him back ? 

[r123ok]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Unless it was a medical emergency that coincidentally happened after this incident why would you want him back ? 

Because I still have very strong feelings for him, and I know it would make me happy and take all of these negative feelings and pain away.

[waffle]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

50 minutes ago, r123ok said:

. . .  the thought that he may still come back and respond is keeping me going

 

This guy doesn't appear to be that into you anymore for whatever reason.  You're worried about losing him but he's not at all concerned about losing you.  I'm sorry because two years is quite a while to be with someone and you get used to them being around.  It's an adjustment to be sure.  I think we've all been there a time or two and it's not fun, but I think it would behoove you to find something else in your life to "keep you going."

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, waffle said:

This guy doesn't appear to be that into you anymore for whatever reason.  You're worried about losing him but he's not at all concerned about losing you.  I'm sorry because two years is quite a while to be with someone and you get used to them being around.  It's an adjustment to be sure.  I think we've all been there a time or two and it's not fun, but I think it would behoove you to find something else in your life to "keep you going."

Also he might believe he’s not ignoring you. He told you he wanted space therefore he will contact if or when he feels like it. It’s completely obnoxious to then not contact to end things after 2 years unless he believes you two already were broken up for some reason. 

[TeeDee]

r123ok 

There is so much more going on here.  I don't know whether you are missing cues or intentionally leaving them out but here's what I have garnered from what little you have said. 

• You think this is a great relationship & you love him
• You were invited to his house but somehow got locked out over the weekend. 
• He claims you knocked too loudly to be let back in. 
• He let you in but he slept on the couch. 
• You two have not spoken since Sunday & he's ignoring your messages  

I hate to tell you this, but I think he's done.  I fear he intentionally locked you out & now he's ignoring you.   It's not about space. It's about him not being man enough to break up with you.  He's just going to ignore you until you give up & go away.  

You may love him but from where I sit, I'm not sure he even likes you.  Moreover, why on earth do you want to stay with somebody who treats you so cavalierly?   I would have dumped him for the whole locking me out thing. 

This is not good or healthy.  Where is your self respect?  

[r123ok]

29 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

r123ok 

There is so much more going on here.  I don't know whether you are missing cues or intentionally leaving them out but here's what I have garnered from what little you have said. 

• You think this is a great relationship & you love him
• You were invited to his house but somehow got locked out over the weekend. 
• He claims you knocked too loudly to be let back in. 
• He let you in but he slept on the couch. 
• You two have not spoken since Sunday & he's ignoring your messages  

I hate to tell you this, but I think he's done.  I fear he intentionally locked you out & now he's ignoring you.   It's not about space. It's about him not being man enough to break up with you.  He's just going to ignore you until you give up & go away.  

You may love him but from where I sit, I'm not sure he even likes you.  Moreover, why on earth do you want to stay with somebody who treats you so cavalierly?   I would have dumped him for the whole locking me out thing. 

This is not good or healthy.  Where is your self respect?  

Yes what you've listed is right. I'll be honest with you - I have so many feelings going on right now about this and maybe strangely not one of them is anger, maybe that's why I still want to stay with him? I feel extremely anxious, upset and scared - and also scared of the possibility of having to start again.

I'm not the most confident or outgoing person, so finding a partner for me has been a chore and not easy and has taken a long time - and after finding someone where we understand each other and are compatible & like each other - it's difficult for me to want to start that whole thing again, and difficult for me to accept that he could throw all of this away without any contact.

I am currently struggling to deal with all of these emotions - have tried speaking with some friends, distracting myself with other activities etc. but currently nothing seems to be working and I feel like I could break down at any moment

Sorry for the long reply but I thought I would be a bit more open, as you & others here have been so helpful so far and it's so nice to be able to talk about this

[catfeeder]

I can appreciate the anxiety behind being shut down with no explanation. This would be true for me of any relationship--with a friend, a lover, a family member. It's a natural reaction to a state of imbalance. However, given the details of this incident, I'd also be furious with the man. I'd consider his behavior inexcusable, and the onus would be on him to make it up to me if he ever decides he wants me back. He'd need to be the one groveling, not me.

Meanwhile, I'd be treating his mistreatment as a breakup in my mind, and I'd seek out the kind of support I can count on from friends and family. The furthest thing on my agenda would be an anxiousness to apologize to the one who's mistreated me for knocking on his door for an expected visit. I think this is also the difference between someone who retains a healthy degree of independence versus someone who might view a lover as her lifeline. That perspective can come out sideways as a dependency, and it can make a lover feel suffocated. And if he's been feeling suffocated without giving you any clues to discourage you from over investing in him, then he's been cowardly, and he likely orchestrated this ridiculous door-knocking thing to shame you and walk away.

So I'd use this time to question whether your intention to apologize to one who has mistreated you is really the best strategy. I'd skip the groveling and demonstrate self respect. That's not about counting the days and minutes and hours before you hear from him, it's about recognizing the mistreatment behind his actions and deciding in your own mind that he can keep that, and if he ever desires a reconciliation with you, he'll need to step up and convince you that this kind of self-serving bull crap can never happen again.

Head high, sister. Respect your Self. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Time and space to think about it?  It depends on how much time.  If ignoring you drags on for days on end,  then this is a way of shutting you down.  This tactic also plays on your emotions and if you're weak and insecure,  you end up groveling,  acquiescing and blaming everything on yourself.  This is not my first rodeo and I've been through this before.  😒

Shutting you down is a way to control you and many times,  you're expected to forget about it,  resume the relationship and play nice.  You are expected to be in a subservient role if you want peace and harmony.  If anything crops up again,  same thing,  repeats and you know the drill.  Issues are never addressed nor resolved.  There is no mature,  calm conversation to empathize both sides.  It's one way and you lose.  Grow accustomed to this strategy.  It's a passive aggressive move and it's a way to manipulate the dynamic and narrative.

This is a mind game.  You either play and go along with it or get out and only associate with those who know how to deal with conflict in a grown up,  very respectful way.  There are no excuses. 

Oh and be prepared for gaslighting,  deflection and those typical psychological,  egotistical maneuvers.  Be knowledgeable and nothing will ever shock you anymore in this life.  😏

 

[TeeDee]

Break ups suck & dating can be daunting.  That doesn't mean you should stay in an untenable situation where you are not getting your needs met.  

I hope it works out but IMO far too much time has passed.  He should have sorted himself out by now.   This fight was to trivial to require this much time / space.  

[rainbowsandroses]

@r123okI agree with others that the way he handled this -  him inviting you over, locking you out, getting annoyed/angry at your knocking to be let in and then him sleeping on his couch - was immature, cowardly and most definitely cruel!!

However again he clearly told you he needed space which is more than some men would do.  Many men (and women) simply ghost without giving you any reason at all!!

He's "ignoring" you now because you disrespected his request and continued messaging. 

If you had not messaged and instead gave him the time/space he asked for and needed to sort out whatever he needs to sort out, then there's no opportunity for you to have your messages ignored because you wouldn't have been messaging/chasing him!   He may have even reached out by now. 

Does that make sense? 

I hesitate to make a judgment either way without hearing HIS side, his feelings. 

There is a saying "there are three sides to any story, your side, his side and the truth". 

I stand by what I posted earlier that there's been something brewing inside him for awhile that unfortunately he chose to not share with you.  You or I can criticize him for that but it's not uncommon.   

Negative feelings can be difficult to express sometimes and people need space sometimes to sort it all out.  I know I do!   Again, this is not uncommon.

Whether he finds your needs overwhelming, he feels suffocated, he's bored and/or there's another woman, it could be anything.

No matter what it is, it all points to the same thing, I think this is done and I'm so sorry. 

I truly hope I'm wrong and my heart goes out to you. 

Allow this to be a wake up call to start becoming more independent and not rely on a boyfriend so much to fulfill your every need.

Learn how to self-soothe, your future boyfriends will appreciate it and less likely to need "space."

You will be much happier as well I can almost promise you that!

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

What did he say to you when he finally did open the door that night, OP?

[LotusBlack]

A little story time for perspective (it is long, so you don’t have to read it, but it does have a point).

About 12 years ago I was doing my bachelor degree as a “mature-age” student (25yo). I’d lived and worked all around the world before then and had a fair bit of life experience for someone my age. Not a whole lot of relationship experience, though, but some.

I was in my 2nd year of uni (out of 3) when I met an international student doing his masters at my uni. He was about 6 months older. So, we weren’t young college students in that sense who knew nothing of the world. We immediately clicked and began a relationship a few weeks after dating.

8 months in, it was time for him to return to his home country. He asked me to move with him. Now, normally - at that point in my life - I wouldn’t be so serious in a relationship so early on as to take on such a committed thing as living abroad with someone, but, I felt we were old enough and mature enough to know what we wanted and how we felt, and given that it was really a situation of break-up or find a way, we decided to give it a go. Also, I was someone who was predisposed to living abroad independently, so this kind of move was not a risk for me as it might be for others. I would not necessarily have gone, otherwise.

Fast forward to the day before we were to fly out. My boyfriend wanted to go for one more hike up a particular mountain. But, we were also having a farewell party that evening. I was very concerned we would not be back in time to receive our guests. He kept insisting it would be fine and we’d get back in enough time. I disagreed and advised against us going. I reiterated when the buses would stop running and if we missed it then we would have issues and affect the party, etc. He once again brushed it off and said that in the case we missed the bus we could just hitch hike. I told him in no uncertain circumstances am I hitch hiking. It may be safe in his country (arguable), but I did not feel safe doing it in mine and I will not be doing it. I once again cautioned against going hiking because there wouldn’t be enough time. He insisted. I then suggested that if we go hiking we should cancel our farewell dinner so as not to leave our guests alone as it was rude and unreasonable. He was adamant we could do both, though I disagreed. So, having his word that should we miss the bus back, we would NOT be hitch hiking, I hesitantly agreed on the hike.

Well, sure enough, there wasn’t enough time. We were going to be late to our own dinner party and by a significant amount. He suggested hitch hiking and I told him that I will not be doing it and we had an agreement. He said it was stupid for me to be afraid to hitch hike. He waved down a car and got in without even a look back. We hadn’t missed the last bus, but we would be so late (like 2 hours) for the dinner and he refused even now to cancel. I watched slack-jawed and dumbfounded as the car carrying my boyfriend sped away.

I was up a damn mountain, alone, and it was dark. It was unsafe. My boyfriend had the maps, the bus tickets, the address of the place we were staying. And, in his haste to leave, he took all the details with him. I called my mother so as to have someone on the phone as I walked the hour down the mountain. I couldn’t use google maps to find my way home from the mountain because I didn’t know the address or which bus. It took me 4-5 hours to get home from the mountain base (which should have only taken 45 mins during the day) and I was absolutely p*issed. As I walked up the footpath, I saw my boyfriend frantically waiting on the driveway. He’d been out there since he got home, reality having sunk in that he left his gf up a mountain alone in the dark after promising not to hitch hike on a trip he was emphatically warned against going on. He cancelled the dinner anyways once he got home, so it was all for naught in the end.

Now, here before me were 2 options - break up or work it out. I began to panic. I’d deferred from university for my last semester, quit my job due to moving abroad, ended the lease on my accommodation, I’d had a 20 year dream to own a particular breed of horse that is exceptionally expensive and I’d finally brought it to fruition right before meeting my bf by having the dam and sire mated for a foal that would cost $25,000 (12 years ago, so much more now, and I knew if I gave it up then, then I likely would never be able to afford it again later) and had already paid the first $3000 non-refundable breeding fee, which I gave up to commit to my boyfriend and move because I believed we had something that would be for forever. And so much more.

I lived interstate for Uni and from my mother who was going through serious treatments for her terminal illness, so going there I felt was not right.

I needed time to decide but there was no time. Had he been local, I’d have taken space and a relationship break, etc. but we were to fly out early the next morning. I felt rushed and scared that not going would be the end of our relationship when it may have been just a really impulsive and stupid thing my boyfriend did that he really regretted. My mother was also so angry at him for compromising my safety and raked him over the coals. He was near tears and promised never to do such a thing again. And, true to his word, he never did.

However, once we got to his country, things unraveled within 2 months. He was critical of me often. He was never rude or spoke to me nastily or yelled, or anything of that nature, but very inconsiderate. For example, when running into old colleagues, he’d leave me standing there, next to him, for the entire conversation without thinking to introduce me at all. Or, when we first arrived, there was a welcome party with his friends one night. We hadn’t seen them at all yet and I hadn’t met them at that point. I was in our apartment getting changed and two of his friends (which he’d sent down) barged in while I was buck naked in order to get something. That was my introduction to these people. I felt humiliated and he didn’t see anything wrong with what had happened as it was “no big deal, just bad timing”. 

Things just got worse from there. In reality, I never should have gotten on that plane. Everything he did from that point was his subconscious attempt to drive me away because he no longer wanted the relationship. I don’t think he realised it clearly at the time because he was genuinely trying but got annoyed at me by things that he, incidentally, ultimately caused. I think that is what is happening to you in your relationship.

In terms of my relationship, I shouldn’t have gone with him. But, personally, I don’t regret it because I found the place in the world that feels like home and where I want to permanently immigrate to (attempting do so this year, actually). I had some amazing experiences there and made some wonderful friends, so, for that, I do not regret it. Also, I never would have made the decision to go if I hadn’t been very comfortable in living abroad independently and alone. I did have contingency plans if things didn’t work out, so that was not a problem. But, regarding our relationship, I should not have gotten on that plane with him. But, like you feel, I felt anxious and scared to lose the relationship. I clung on to it and didn’t want everything I’d sacrificed to be in vain.

All I can say to you, is don’t do what I did. Your relationship sounds manipulative (from him to you), if, truly, there is nothing more to the story than you and he agreeing for you to come over and when you do, he locks you out and ignores you for no rhyme or reason. 

Get out, now. Save yourself from more heartache. It took me 2 whole years to recover from that 11-month relationship, and a further 6 to get into a new one.

[rainbowsandroses]

@r123ok can you read @catfeedersignature line?  I can't from my phone but know what it says.  

Perhaps catfeeder can post it in case you (or others) are unable to see/read signature lines from your devices. 

I think it may apply in your sitch, but even if not, they're wise words to take with you in your next relationship.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

A little story time for perspective (it is long, so you don’t have to read it, but it does have a point).

About 12 years ago I was doing my bachelor degree as a “mature-age” student (25yo). I’d lived and worked all around the world before then and had a fair bit of life experience for someone my age. Not a whole lot of relationship experience, though, but some.

I was in my 2nd year of uni (out of 3) when I met an international student doing his masters at my uni. He was about 6 months older. So, we weren’t young college students in that sense who knew nothing of the world. We immediately clicked and began a relationship a few weeks after dating.

8 months in, it was time for him to return to his home country. He asked me to move with him. Now, normally - at that point in my life - I wouldn’t be so serious in a relationship so early on as to take on such a committed thing as living abroad with someone, but, I felt we were old enough and mature enough to know what we wanted and how we felt, and given that it was really a situation of break-up or find a way, we decided to give it a go. Also, I was someone who was predisposed to living abroad independently, so this kind of move was not a risk for me as it might be for others. I would not necessarily have gone, otherwise.

Fast forward to the day before we were to fly out. My boyfriend wanted to go for one more hike up a particular mountain. But, we were also having a farewell party that evening. I was very concerned we would not be back in time to receive our guests. He kept insisting it would be fine and we’d get back in enough time. I disagreed and advised against us going. I reiterated when the buses would stop running and if we missed it then we would have issues and affect the party, etc. He once again brushed it off and said that in the case we missed the bus we could just hitch hike. I told him in no uncertain circumstances am I hitch hiking. It may be safe in his country (arguable), but I did not feel safe doing it in mine and I will not be doing it. I once again cautioned against going hiking because there wouldn’t be enough time. He insisted. I then suggested that if we go hiking we should cancel our farewell dinner so as not to leave our guests alone as it was rude and unreasonable. He was adamant we could do both, though I disagreed. So, having his word that should we miss the bus back, we would NOT be hitch hiking, I hesitantly agreed on the hike.

Well, sure enough, there wasn’t enough time. We were going to be late to our own dinner party and by a significant amount. He suggested hitch hiking and I told him that I will not be doing it and we had an agreement. He said it was stupid for me to be afraid to hitch hike. He waved down a car and got in without even a look back. We hadn’t missed the last bus, but we would be so late (like 2 hours) for the dinner and he refused even now to cancel. I watched slack-jawed and dumbfounded as the car carrying my boyfriend sped away.

I was up a damn mountain, alone, and it was dark. It was unsafe. My boyfriend had the maps, the bus tickets, the address of the place we were staying. And, in his haste to leave, he took all the details with him. I called my mother so as to have someone on the phone as I walked the hour down the mountain. I couldn’t use google maps to find my way home from the mountain because I didn’t know the address or which bus. It took me 4-5 hours to get home from the mountain base (which should have only taken 45 mins during the day) and I was absolutely p*issed. As I walked up the footpath, I saw my boyfriend frantically waiting on the driveway. He’d been out there since he got home, reality having sunk in that he left his gf up a mountain alone in the dark after promising not to hitch hike on a trip he was emphatically warned against going on. He cancelled the dinner anyways once he got home, so it was all for naught in the end.

Now, here before me were 2 options - break up or work it out. I began to panic. I’d deferred from university for my last semester, quit my job due to moving abroad, ended the lease on my accommodation, I’d had a 20 year dream to own a particular breed of horse that is exceptionally expensive and I’d finally brought it to fruition right before meeting my bf by having the dam and sire mated for a foal that would cost $25,000 (12 years ago, so much more now, and I knew if I gave it up then, then I likely would never be able to afford it again later) and had already paid the first $3000 non-refundable breeding fee, which I gave up to commit to my boyfriend and move because I believed we had something that would be for forever. And so much more.

I lived interstate for Uni and from my mother who was going through serious treatments for her terminal illness, so going there I felt was not right.

I needed time to decide but there was no time. Had he been local, I’d have taken space and a relationship break, etc. but we were to fly out early the next morning. I felt rushed and scared that not going would be the end of our relationship when it may have been just a really impulsive and stupid thing my boyfriend did that he really regretted. My mother was also so angry at him for compromising my safety and raked him over the coals. He was near tears and promised never to do such a thing again. And, true to his word, he never did.

However, once we got to his country, things unraveled within 2 months. He was critical of me often. He was never rude or spoke to me nastily or yelled, or anything of that nature, but very inconsiderate. For example, when running into old colleagues, he’d leave me standing there, next to him, for the entire conversation without thinking to introduce me at all. Or, when we first arrived, there was a welcome party with his friends one night. We hadn’t seen them at all yet and I hadn’t met them at that point. I was in our apartment getting changed and two of his friends (which he’d sent down) barged in while I was buck naked in order to get something. That was my introduction to these people. I felt humiliated and he didn’t see anything wrong with what had happened as it was “no big deal, just bad timing”. 

Things just got worse from there. In reality, I never should have gotten on that plane. Everything he did from that point was his subconscious attempt to drive me away because he no longer wanted the relationship. I don’t think he realised it clearly at the time because he was genuinely trying but got annoyed at me by things that he, incidentally, ultimately caused. I think that is what is happening to you in your relationship.

In terms of my relationship, I shouldn’t have gone with him. But, personally, I don’t regret it because I found the place in the world that feels like home and where I want to permanently immigrate to (attempting do so this year, actually). I had some amazing experiences there and made some wonderful friends, so, for that, I do not regret it. Also, I never would have made the decision to go if I hadn’t been very comfortable in living abroad independently and alone. I did have contingency plans if things didn’t work out, so that was not a problem. But, regarding our relationship, I should not have gotten on that plane with him. But, like you feel, I felt anxious and scared to lose the relationship. I clung on to it and didn’t want everything I’d sacrificed to be in vain.

All I can say to you, is don’t do what I did. Your relationship sounds manipulative (from him to you), if, truly, there is nothing more to the story than you and he agreeing for you to come over and when you do, he locks you out and ignores you for no rhyme or reason. 

Get out, now. Save yourself from more heartache. It took me 2 whole years to recover from that 11-month relationship, and a further 6 to get into a new one.

I am so sorry you went through this.  And I am so glad you shared this here in all its rawness and genuineness. I truly think it will help others.  (I also would have been so conflicted as to what to do last minute about relocating!)

[catfeeder]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@r123ok can you read @catfeedersignature line?  I can't from my phone but know what it says.  

Perhaps catfeeder can post it in case you (or others) are unable to see/read signature lines from your devices. 

I think it may apply in your sitch, but even if not, they're wise words to take with you in your next relationship.

Thanks, @rainbowsandroses. You're right, our sig lines don't display on phones. Here's mine:

Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I am so sorry you went through this.  And I am so glad you shared this here in all its rawness and genuineness. I truly think it will help others.  (I also would have been so conflicted as to what to do last minute about relocating!)

I think there are cases where relationships that happen very quickly do actually work out - for example @Cherylyn. It's less common, but it happens and I wondered if my relationship was one of those cases, and I knew the regret would be greater if I didn't try than if I did try and it didn't work out. Of course, that was before he left me up that bloody mountain, but, by that point, everything had already been arranged.

I was absolutely devastated when things really ended after 2-3 months. We still hung out all the time as friends and we were great as friends, but I was always hoping we'd get that spark back and it just wasn't happening. Every time, I'd get my hopes up when things looked like they'd get back on track romantically, but then feel crushed when they wouldn't. I'd book a return flight and then not be able to go through with it. We were always with each other when I booked a return flight after a lengthy discussion about our relationship. He'd take me to the airport and I'd never be able to get on the plane. 

I knew it wasn't good for me, but I couldn't walk away from him. So, eventually, I did what had to be done. I wrote him a letter, left it on my bed of the apartment he had rented for me after we broke up and I knew he'd eventually find it. I booked a non-refundable flight at a distant airport (without telling him), so that it would be really hard for me to back-track. I was going to leave without saying anything just so that I could actually leave. But, I decided to call him from the airport just as my plane was boarding. I wanted to say goodbye and I knew that this time I wouldn't back-out of leaving, as I'd put myself in a position where I wouldn't be able to. He was shocked. He was in tears. He said how much he wished his feelings for me hadn't changed because I was such a great partner and he didn't know if he'd ever meet someone else who would love him so unconditionally as I did, but that it was the right thing for me to go because he couldn't give me what I wanted and needed. 

I got on the plane, and I left. We spoke on the phone after I arrived back home and he'd rushed right over to my old apartment and read the letter I left. He said he'd been carrying it around in his pocket every day since and he'd memorised the whole thing. He felt guilty, his parents were upset with him about how he'd treated me. He was upset with how he'd treated me. But, in the end, you just cannot make someone feel something about you that they do not feel. 

When people say that it's too hard to leave a relationship, that they love their partner too much and can't imagine being without them, that they'd never survive the break-up, I just wanted to share my experience to say that they can, of course they can. I felt broken in a way that I've never felt before or since. It's rather a matter of not wanting to [be without them] even though being with them may hurt a lot. I gave up everything, even time with my dying parent, to take a chance of a relationship and a man I loved very very much. Of course I can live without a partner, I just didn't want to. But, at some point, you have to do what is best for you, not what you want to be what's best for you. It took me a few runs up to the vault to finally leap off it, so to speak, but I put measures in place to make sure I followed through with what I knew I needed to do, because I KNEW myself well enough to know that if I didn't, if he was still in front of me, then I would allow myself to pull out from what needed to be done. It is very important that in your moments of clarity, when you are away from the tumultuous emotions, that you make plans that work within your best interests and create them in such a way that when you are emotionally weak and can anticipate when you will be emotionally weak and back-out of something, you've put measures in place to prevent that. 

To OP, I feel you may be in a similar place emotionally, of desperately wanting a relationship, but not willing to walk away from it even though it is what is best. Only you can know what incidents have occurred in your relationship with your boyfriend and what is acceptable and what is not. If you and he had some disagreement whereby he legitimately asked for some space to consider things, then that is fine, as long as that was communicated healthily and there are measures in place to work through the situation once space is had. If, however, he set you up and is now stonewalling you, that is your indicator that this relationship has nowhere to go. You just have to find that courage to do what is best for you. It's okay if it takes a few runs up to the starting line before you can finally reach the end.

[r123ok]

16 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@r123okI agree with others that the way he handled this -  him inviting you over, locking you out, getting annoyed/angry at your knocking to be let in and then him sleeping on his couch - was immature, cowardly and most definitely cruel!!

However again he clearly told you he needed space which is more than some men would do.  Many men (and women) simply ghost without giving you any reason at all!!

He's "ignoring" you now because you disrespected his request and continued messaging. 

If you had not messaged and instead gave him the time/space he asked for and needed to sort out whatever he needs to sort out, then there's no opportunity for you to have your messages ignored because you wouldn't have been messaging/chasing him!   He may have even reached out by now. 

Does that make sense? 

I hesitate to make a judgment either way without hearing HIS side, his feelings. 

There is a saying "there are three sides to any story, your side, his side and the truth". 

I stand by what I posted earlier that there's been something brewing inside him for awhile that unfortunately he chose to not share with you.  You or I can criticize him for that but it's not uncommon.   

Negative feelings can be difficult to express sometimes and people need space sometimes to sort it all out.  I know I do!   Again, this is not uncommon.

Whether he finds your needs overwhelming, he feels suffocated, he's bored and/or there's another woman, it could be anything.

No matter what it is, it all points to the same thing, I think this is done and I'm so sorry. 

I truly hope I'm wrong and my heart goes out to you. 

Allow this to be a wake up call to start becoming more independent and not rely on a boyfriend so much to fulfill your every need.

Learn how to self-soothe, your future boyfriends will appreciate it and less likely to need "space."

You will be much happier as well I can almost promise you that!

 

 

 

@rainbowsandroses Thank you I appreciate your advice and it does hit home. I do understand that people do need space sometimes, but how long before space turns into just not wanting to talk to me ever again? I do find it difficult to self soothe and am taking this very badly. I do hope that he could come back and message with some explanation because it hurts a lot just to stop a 2 year relationship just like that, with no contact or explanation at all. I don’t think I could handle having to find someone else and go through it all again.

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What did he say to you when he finally did open the door that night, OP?

@MissCanuck he didn’t say anything. Just let me in and walked away not talking to me, so I went to bed assuming he didn’t want to talk right now. Out of interest, why did you ask about the neighbours?

13 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

A little story time for perspective (it is long, so you don’t have to read it, but it does have a point).

About 12 years ago I was doing my bachelor degree as a “mature-age” student (25yo). I’d lived and worked all around the world before then and had a fair bit of life experience for someone my age. Not a whole lot of relationship experience, though, but some.

I was in my 2nd year of uni (out of 3) when I met an international student doing his masters at my uni. He was about 6 months older. So, we weren’t young college students in that sense who knew nothing of the world. We immediately clicked and began a relationship a few weeks after dating.

8 months in, it was time for him to return to his home country. He asked me to move with him. Now, normally - at that point in my life - I wouldn’t be so serious in a relationship so early on as to take on such a committed thing as living abroad with someone, but, I felt we were old enough and mature enough to know what we wanted and how we felt, and given that it was really a situation of break-up or find a way, we decided to give it a go. Also, I was someone who was predisposed to living abroad independently, so this kind of move was not a risk for me as it might be for others. I would not necessarily have gone, otherwise.

Fast forward to the day before we were to fly out. My boyfriend wanted to go for one more hike up a particular mountain. But, we were also having a farewell party that evening. I was very concerned we would not be back in time to receive our guests. He kept insisting it would be fine and we’d get back in enough time. I disagreed and advised against us going. I reiterated when the buses would stop running and if we missed it then we would have issues and affect the party, etc. He once again brushed it off and said that in the case we missed the bus we could just hitch hike. I told him in no uncertain circumstances am I hitch hiking. It may be safe in his country (arguable), but I did not feel safe doing it in mine and I will not be doing it. I once again cautioned against going hiking because there wouldn’t be enough time. He insisted. I then suggested that if we go hiking we should cancel our farewell dinner so as not to leave our guests alone as it was rude and unreasonable. He was adamant we could do both, though I disagreed. So, having his word that should we miss the bus back, we would NOT be hitch hiking, I hesitantly agreed on the hike.

Well, sure enough, there wasn’t enough time. We were going to be late to our own dinner party and by a significant amount. He suggested hitch hiking and I told him that I will not be doing it and we had an agreement. He said it was stupid for me to be afraid to hitch hike. He waved down a car and got in without even a look back. We hadn’t missed the last bus, but we would be so late (like 2 hours) for the dinner and he refused even now to cancel. I watched slack-jawed and dumbfounded as the car carrying my boyfriend sped away.

I was up a damn mountain, alone, and it was dark. It was unsafe. My boyfriend had the maps, the bus tickets, the address of the place we were staying. And, in his haste to leave, he took all the details with him. I called my mother so as to have someone on the phone as I walked the hour down the mountain. I couldn’t use google maps to find my way home from the mountain because I didn’t know the address or which bus. It took me 4-5 hours to get home from the mountain base (which should have only taken 45 mins during the day) and I was absolutely p*issed. As I walked up the footpath, I saw my boyfriend frantically waiting on the driveway. He’d been out there since he got home, reality having sunk in that he left his gf up a mountain alone in the dark after promising not to hitch hike on a trip he was emphatically warned against going on. He cancelled the dinner anyways once he got home, so it was all for naught in the end.

Now, here before me were 2 options - break up or work it out. I began to panic. I’d deferred from university for my last semester, quit my job due to moving abroad, ended the lease on my accommodation, I’d had a 20 year dream to own a particular breed of horse that is exceptionally expensive and I’d finally brought it to fruition right before meeting my bf by having the dam and sire mated for a foal that would cost $25,000 (12 years ago, so much more now, and I knew if I gave it up then, then I likely would never be able to afford it again later) and had already paid the first $3000 non-refundable breeding fee, which I gave up to commit to my boyfriend and move because I believed we had something that would be for forever. And so much more.

I lived interstate for Uni and from my mother who was going through serious treatments for her terminal illness, so going there I felt was not right.

I needed time to decide but there was no time. Had he been local, I’d have taken space and a relationship break, etc. but we were to fly out early the next morning. I felt rushed and scared that not going would be the end of our relationship when it may have been just a really impulsive and stupid thing my boyfriend did that he really regretted. My mother was also so angry at him for compromising my safety and raked him over the coals. He was near tears and promised never to do such a thing again. And, true to his word, he never did.

However, once we got to his country, things unraveled within 2 months. He was critical of me often. He was never rude or spoke to me nastily or yelled, or anything of that nature, but very inconsiderate. For example, when running into old colleagues, he’d leave me standing there, next to him, for the entire conversation without thinking to introduce me at all. Or, when we first arrived, there was a welcome party with his friends one night. We hadn’t seen them at all yet and I hadn’t met them at that point. I was in our apartment getting changed and two of his friends (which he’d sent down) barged in while I was buck naked in order to get something. That was my introduction to these people. I felt humiliated and he didn’t see anything wrong with what had happened as it was “no big deal, just bad timing”. 

Things just got worse from there. In reality, I never should have gotten on that plane. Everything he did from that point was his subconscious attempt to drive me away because he no longer wanted the relationship. I don’t think he realised it clearly at the time because he was genuinely trying but got annoyed at me by things that he, incidentally, ultimately caused. I think that is what is happening to you in your relationship.

In terms of my relationship, I shouldn’t have gone with him. But, personally, I don’t regret it because I found the place in the world that feels like home and where I want to permanently immigrate to (attempting do so this year, actually). I had some amazing experiences there and made some wonderful friends, so, for that, I do not regret it. Also, I never would have made the decision to go if I hadn’t been very comfortable in living abroad independently and alone. I did have contingency plans if things didn’t work out, so that was not a problem. But, regarding our relationship, I should not have gotten on that plane with him. But, like you feel, I felt anxious and scared to lose the relationship. I clung on to it and didn’t want everything I’d sacrificed to be in vain.

All I can say to you, is don’t do what I did. Your relationship sounds manipulative (from him to you), if, truly, there is nothing more to the story than you and he agreeing for you to come over and when you do, he locks you out and ignores you for no rhyme or reason. 

Get out, now. Save yourself from more heartache. It took me 2 whole years to recover from that 11-month relationship, and a further 6 to get into a new one.

@LotusBlack thank you so much for sharing, I’m sorry that happened to you and it’s helpful to know that others experience or have experienced what I’m feeling now

10 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

To OP, I feel you may be in a similar place emotionally, of desperately wanting a relationship, but not willing to walk away from it even though it is what is best.

@LotusBlack yes this is absolutely what I feel now. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, constantly feel that I could break down and cry at any moment and nothing seems to be able to distract from this. I’m not sure how to deal with it rather than not holding it all in and to keep hoping that something good will happen that takes this pain away, and hope that it won’t last forever, even though it feels it might

Thank you all for your replies, it helps being able to talk to others about what I’m going through 

[LotusBlack]

50 minutes ago, r123ok said:

 

@LotusBlack thank you so much for sharing, I’m sorry that happened to you and it’s helpful to know that others experience or have experienced what I’m feeling now

@LotusBlack yes this is absolutely what I feel now. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, constantly feel that I could break down and cry at any moment and nothing seems to be able to distract from this. I’m not sure how to deal with it rather than not holding it all in and to keep hoping that something good will happen that takes this pain away, and hope that it won’t last forever, even though it feels it might

To be honest, I’m not sorry it happened at all. It sucked at the time and was emotionally devastating, but so much time and space sits between then and now; I have no emotional connection to that heartbreak and pain, and only feel gratitude for having experienced such an incredible country that I want to make my home and for the great friends I made - my relationship with my ex just happened to be the vehicle I needed to get there (the opportunity). Plus, I think that having gone through that break-up gave me a lot of experience that I leaned on when my marriage ended a couple of years ago - I didn’t experience such paralysing pain and I knew I could get through it because I had done so before. It was easier for me to get on the plane the next time (when I left my husband), and with an infant in tow as well.

When something is causing you so much stress that you cannot eat, sleep, think, etc., it is at this point you know it is poison to you, toxic. What you are agonising over day and night is likely no more than a cursory thought to your boyfriend. I am certain he is very likely not experiencing any of that which you are currently going through. That a partner could create and then allow you to sit in a situation that is distressing, indicates they are not emotionally equipped to navigate a relationship and the challenging times inevitably experienced during the course of one. Nor do they love and respect you.

I suppose I felt compelled to share my experience for two reasons - 1) that a person who doesn’t want to be involved with someone (subconsciously or otherwise) will create situations in which they feel their resentment/displeasure is justified and has a nameable target (such as loud knocking), which, in reality, their reaction is generally completely disproportionate to the “incident” itself. And 2) we often think we could not survive the heartbreak of leaving or the crushing weight of happy memories we are sure will haunt us every moment of the day should we leave. We stay for the “what if”s. But it is possible to leave and to move past the hurt. I couldn’t care less about that relationship now. You do get through it. 

If I were you, given that I’d been iced out by my partner without any communication about it, I’d consider that their way of saying it’s over. Even if they come back and act clueless as to how you arrived at such assumption, I’d be done with them for the unjustifiable silence. 

Good luck; I hope you are able to move forward in strength, whatever happens.

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, r123ok said:

@MissCanuck he didn’t say anything. Just let me in and walked away not talking to me, so I went to bed assuming he didn’t want to talk right now. Out of interest, why did you ask about the neighbours?

Sorry, I forgot to follow up on my question before. 

I once (briefly) dated a guy who similarly freaked out when he thought the neighbour might have seen me coming into his house (and I was entering his house with him after a date) I later learned this was because the neighbour might have wondered who I was, as this guy had another woman he'd been seieng for a while - unbeknownst to me. The neighbour could have inadvertently caught him, in other words.