Being ignored for days after an argument

[r123ok]

After an argument with my partner (been together 2 years) - he said he needs space and hasn't spoken to me for a few days now. I feel so lonely and sad because we used to speak and see each other all the time and I don't know if he even wants to speak to me again, and all I want to do is make up.

Not sure what to do, or how to cope (he ignores any messages sent).

[TeeDee]

If you have reached out but he's not responding that is sign of poor communication on his part. 

Question # 1 becomes do you want a lifetime of this?  If this is how he manages conflict, you have to assume he won't change & communicate. 

A little bit of space -- a few hours or overnight -- should be tolerated because sometimes people need to cool off.  My husband & I are like that.  We rarely fight but if it gets so bad that somebody asks for space the other one knows to back off immediately because not doing that will result in something we might not be able to come back from.  It's never gone more than 24 hours.  

The only thing I can think of if you want to force the issue is for you to show up unannounced at his place.  That could make it worse but you would know.  I'd rather have a clean break like that than this sitting around waiting & wondering if he's just going to ghost. 

You do have the option of concluding that his lack of response to the messages you sent is his cowardly way of breaking up with you & behaving accordingly.  

[r123ok]

I do hate that this is how he manages conflict between us - it's been since Sunday afternoon now with no contact. I did respect this and let him have his space, and sent a message yesterday asking if we could talk, this was read and not replied to.

I think showing up would definitely make things worse for him, but I really don't want to lose him. Even though this is how he handles conflict, we do get on very well normally and share the same interests and always have a laugh with each other. I feel that I can be myself around him which is rare for me.

I'm really struggling at the moment with not knowing whether we are still together or not, and coping without him because we normally would talk at least once a day - so it's safe to say I'm not doing very well at all right now and don't know how to cope

[smackie9]

This is called stonewalling. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is&t=4s

[Starlight925]

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and control.

It works, because it leaves the other person on eggshells, flinching every time the phone dings, checking it constantly, looking for any signs of life from the person.

What was the argument about?  In many cases, the person who does the silent treatment causes an escalation in an otherwise normal argument, as this gives them the excuse to start the silent treatment.

Ask me how I know all this.....BTDT.

[rainbowsandroses]

Before I start labeling this as stonewalling or silent treatment, I need more context. 

What was the argument about?  Who started it?  Do you have arguments often?  If so, what about?

Was there verbal abuse or lord forbid physical abuse?  By either of you?

Without knowing this it's literally impossible to say with any certainty what's happening.

It's possible this is simply his way of distancing  himself to gather his thoughts before he impulsively ends the relationship. Possibly.  It's also possible he's simply an ***.

When you return with more context, I'll be in a better position to answer and of course it would be helpful to hear his side of things but he's not here. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Does he make it a habit of ignoring you every single time a conversation doesn't go his way,  not in his favor or disagrees with him?  I've known people like this which is most frustrating,  maddening and disgusting because it's immature behavior and not adult like behavior.  You need to beware because this is a passive aggressive maneuver and it's a way to control you and manipulate the dynamic to his advantage.  It's the silent treatment which is typical control over you. 

Usually when a person ignores you,  they're letting you know that it's your time to grovel and acquiesce if you want to win back their good graces and make amends.  They want YOU to apologize even though they won't admit their contribution to the argument.  A lot of people won't apologize if it's their fault either.  They're too prideful and egotistical or their in full denial mode and will internally proclaim innocence.  

You are expected to lower yourself to the point of losing your dignity in order to keep the peace and resume the relationship.  All of which I've done in the past and I vow to never do it again because you lose yourself in the process and it's disrespecting yourself.  Whenever people act like this which is a subservient manner,  you don't like yourself and nowadays I very much like and respect myself as should you.

The grown up,  mature way to handle conflict is to have a calm,  non-shouting match,  intelligent,  emotionally intelligent,  empathetic preferably in person discussion to resolve issues.  That's the right way to to do it.  Any other way ends up with you hitting a wall,  feeling disgusted and ultimately the relationship ends in failure.  

I hope your boyfriend eventually comes to his senses and resumes contact with you.  I hope he sincerely apologizes to you in person for ignoring you and if he doesn't,  wake up and know you're being played for a fool.  If he makes it a habit of ignoring you every time there's a disagreement or argument,  you'll have to walk on eggshells in order to appease him and do you wish to be treated in this manner?  This is what you need to ask yourself. 

The true test of any relationship is how a person handles conflict.  Of course,  people are wonderfully pleasant when all is well with them.  Then whenever there's an argument,  suddenly you observe another side to their truly ugly character.  This is your cue to either remain in the relationship and deal with it as long as you don't mind being controlled or dissolve and exit the relationship because conflict wasn't handled in an emotionally intelligent manner.   Emotional intelligence means to place yourself in other people's shoes and to treat people the way you would want to be treated which is respect.  There is no other meaning to emotional intelligence.

While you're young,  you're willing to give in a lot in order to keep the peace.  Then as years pass by,  you'll realize how unfair this set up is for yourself and as long as everything goes HIS way,  everything is fine.  After a while,  you will lose your soul in the process.   Even though there's a seed of doubt implanted within the deep recesses of your brain,  you adapt to mind games and head trips.  You play along to get along.  You'll require having the patience of a saint and forgive endlessly if there are repeats.    I was you back in the day.  Been there done that.  What do I say nowadays?  I don't take  ________  from anyone anymore.   Either I'm treated with respect or I'm out.   I'm done.  Permanently done.

 

[r123ok]

48 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and control.

It works, because it leaves the other person on eggshells, flinching every time the phone dings, checking it constantly, looking for any signs of life from the person.

What was the argument about?  In many cases, the person who does the silent treatment causes an escalation in an otherwise normal argument, as this gives them the excuse to start the silent treatment.

Ask me how I know all this.....BTDT.

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel - checking the phone, feeling excited when it pings then immensely disappointed and sick at no message still. I can message you the details of the argument if you like? a bit embarrassed about it all

[r123ok]

41 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Before I start labeling this as stonewalling or silent treatment, I need more context. 

What was the argument about?  Who started it?  Do you have arguments often?  If so, what about?

Was there verbal abuse or lord forbid physical abuse?  By either of you?

Without knowing this it's literally impossible to say with any certainty what's happening.

It's possible this is simply his way of distancing  himself to gather his thoughts before he impulsively ends the relationship. Possibly.  It's also possible he's simply an ***.

When you return with more context, I'll be in a better position to answer and of course it would be helpful to hear his side of things but he's not here. 

 

We don't argue very often at all. We generally get on very well and talk almost every day usually - I can message you more detail of the argument if you like as I'm slightly embarrassed about it but it didn't involve any abuse from any side. 

[r123ok]

29 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Does he make it a habit of ignoring you every single time a conversation doesn't go his way,  not in his favor or disagrees with him?  I've known people like this which is most frustrating,  maddening and disgusting because it's immature behavior and not adult like behavior.  You need to beware because this is a passive aggressive maneuver and it's a way to control you and manipulate the dynamic to his advantage.  It's the silent treatment which is typical control over you. 

Usually when a person ignores you,  they're letting you know that it's your time to grovel and acquiesce if you want to win back their good graces and make amends.  They want YOU to apologize even though they won't admit their contribution to the argument.  A lot of people won't apologize if it's their fault either.  They're too prideful and egotistical or their in full denial mode and will internally proclaim innocence.  

You are expected to lower yourself to the point of losing your dignity in order to keep the peace and resume the relationship.  All of which I've done in the past and I vow to never do it again because you lose yourself in the process and it's disrespecting yourself.  Whenever people act like this which is a subservient manner,  you don't like yourself and nowadays I very much like and respect myself as should you.

The grown up,  mature way to handle conflict is to have a calm,  non-shouting match,  intelligent,  emotionally intelligent,  empathetic preferably in person discussion to resolve issues.  That's the right way to to do it.  Any other way ends up with you hitting a wall,  feeling disgusted and ultimately the relationship ends in failure.  

I hope your boyfriend eventually comes to his senses and resumes contact with you.  I hope he sincerely apologizes to you in person for ignoring you and if he doesn't,  wake up and know you're being played for a fool.  If he makes it a habit of ignoring you every time there's a disagreement or argument,  you'll have to walk on eggshells in order to appease him and do you wish to be treated in this manner?  This is what you need to ask yourself. 

The true test of any relationship is how a person handles conflict.  Of course,  people are wonderfully pleasant when all is well with them.  Then whenever there's an argument,  suddenly you observe another side to their truly ugly character.  This is your cue to either remain in the relationship and deal with it as long as you don't mind being controlled or dissolve and exit the relationship because conflict wasn't handled in an emotionally intelligent manner.   Emotional intelligence means to place yourself in other people's shoes and to treat people the way you would want to be treated which is respect.  There is no other meaning to emotional intelligence.

While you're young,  you're willing to give in a lot in order to keep the peace.  Then as years pass by,  you'll realize how unfair this set up is for yourself and as long as everything goes HIS way,  everything is fine.  After a while,  you will lose your soul in the process.   You play along to get along.  I'm older than you and I was you back in the day.  What do I say nowadays?  I don't take _________ from anyone anymore.   Either I'm treated with respect or I'm out.   I'm done. 

 

Thank you - I really hope that he does too. I can't even apologise or explain properly because they do not answer any messages or calls etc. I really hope it all works out otherwise I'm not sure how to hope. Thanks for your kind words

[r123ok]

11 minutes ago, kazuumax said:

Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's tough when someone you care about needs space, especially after two years together. Give him some time to process things and focus on taking care of yourself in the meantime. Surround yourself with friends and activities you enjoy to keep your mind occupied. Sometimes people need a bit of space to figure things out, and hopefully, he'll reach out soon. Hang in there, bro. If he doesn't respond after a while, you might need to have a serious conversation about your relationship.

Thanks man, really appreciate that. It's hard knowing how long to wait and how long to stay anxious for. I'm not really sure how much space to give or what's going on with us, have tried messaging once but just got left on read

[Andrina]

Why are you saying you "talk" almost every day? Is this long distance? How often do you get together during each week? If you don't normally argue that much, is it because of something like you being a people pleaser? Are you a passive person that lets your partner take the lead? I'm trying to gather what your relationship is normally like.

Besides this incident, how does he make you feel special? What traits does he have to make you want him as a lifetime partner? Are there things you're not happy with in regards to him? What does he do in his leisure time when he's not spending time with you? What does your family and your friends think of him? What future plans has spoken about with you? Do you have a regularly occurring topic of what your arguments are about, or do they vary?

[r123ok]

43 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Why are you saying you "talk" almost every day? Is this long distance? How often do you get together during each week? If you don't normally argue that much, is it because of something like you being a people pleaser? Are you a passive person that lets your partner take the lead? I'm trying to gather what your relationship is normally like.

Besides this incident, how does he make you feel special? What traits does he have to make you want him as a lifetime partner? Are there things you're not happy with in regards to him? What does he do in his leisure time when he's not spending time with you? What does your family and your friends think of him? What future plans has spoken about with you? Do you have a regularly occurring topic of what your arguments are about, or do they vary?

We would usually see each other every weekend and a couple of days during the week, but even on days when we don’t see each other (if we are both working etc) we still message or text at least once a day. This might be why it’s so hard for me now when there’s absolutely nothing for days

Normally we wouldn’t have anything to argue about. In the past we’ve talked about moving in together and getting our own place

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, r123ok said:

Thank you - I really hope that he does too. I can't even apologize or explain properly because they do not answer any messages or calls etc. I really hope it all works out otherwise I'm not sure how to hope. Thanks for your kind words

Thank you for your kind words, too @r123ok.  Be knowledgeable and most of all,  have awareness.  Learn to protect yourself.  Never play games. 

[MissCanuck]

What was this argument about? 

[Andrina]

You didn't answer the rest of my questions, which would give a better picture about you, your partner, etc. Are you afraid if you answered honestly that it would actually look like an unhealthy relationship instead of what you're saying is normally happy?

[LotusBlack]

7 hours ago, r123ok said:

he said he needs space

he ignores any messages sent

He asked for space, give it to him and let him reach out when he’s ready. 

I will add, if he is using silence as a manipulation tactic, then I’d be ending the relationship; however, if he genuinely needs space to process the argument, then give it to him, as everyone has the right to take time to consider things. It really all depends on the context of the argument.

[r123ok]

12 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

He asked for space, give it to him and let him reach out when he’s ready. 

I will add, if he is using silence as a manipulation tactic, then I’d be ending the relationship; however, if he genuinely needs space to process the argument, then give it to him, as everyone has the right to take time to consider things. It really all depends on the context of the argument.

Thank you - how much space do I give? How long before I can assume I'm never going to hear back.. it's hard not knowing

[MissCanuck]

What did you two argue about? 

[r123ok]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What did you two argue about? 

It was to do with me being locked out and knocking asking for help. They said I knocked too loudly and needed space, and that's the last I heard anything

[MissCanuck]

Who is "they"?

[r123ok]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Who is "they"?

Sorry I meant him, my partner

[MissCanuck]

There seems to be context missing. 

You got locked out, and knocked to wake him up and let you in, I presume? And he got so angry that he needed space? 

You don't live together, I gather. But you went to his house that night? 

I don't follow. 

[r123ok]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

There seems to be context missing. 

You got locked out, and knocked to wake him up and let you in, I presume? And he got so angry that he needed space? 

You don't live together, I gather. But you went to his house that night? 

I don't follow. 

Yes I was staying over that night and he said I was knocking too loudly. He didn't come to bed that night and the next morning said he needed space - that was on Sunday morning. Any message I send gets read and not replied to so I can't explain, apologise, or get his side of things as to why space is needed. I don't even know if he will speak to me again at this point

[MissCanuck]

My strong hunch is that this is not about you knocking loudly. At all. 

Either you're leaving a lot out, or he is not being honest about the real reason he wants space. I am guessing it's the latter, and he picked a stupid fight to stage his exit from the relationshp. 

2 minutes ago, r123ok said:

He didn't come to bed that night and the next morning said he needed space - that was on Sunday morning

So, he eventually let you in, you went to bed, and he went...where?