How to make sense of everything after an abusive breakup

[kons]

I met him at a time of my life when I was feeling good about myself and standing on my own two feet. It was a casual date with a guy who lived abroad. I knew he would be returning to his home country soon and I wasn't looking for a relationship. It felt however instantly that there was a connection beyond just attraction or sexual chemistry between us. There was this shocking sense of intimacy and familiarity, similar life histories, aesthetics, views on life, similar traumas. After a few times, we got intimate in a way more intense than what I had ever experienced before and it all felt reciprocal. He actively pursued and cultivated the connection even though he had to go back to his country. For six months, there was ongoing daily communication, profound sharing, him visiting my country twice a month and the time we spent together had an eerie sense of bliss and belonging for both of us. He was present, sensitive and considerate, he  started making plans about ways to be together, him moving to my country, actively looking for flats and jobs. Said he loved me in a way he didn't believe to be possible and that he wanted to fight for a life and a home with me. I was the one putting the brakes and asking for a realistic approach and not impulsive gestures and every time I did that, he accused me of not believing in us and not allowing him to express himself.

I visited him in his country at five months, after he insisted that he wanted me to. The trip was going smoothly and then with no warning one night, he lashed out very violently towards me, smashing glasses around me and screaming that "this is too close and *** do I want from his ***ty life". Next day he apologised and tried to make things ok. After I returned home, he started detaching, communication got sparse. After effort from my part to have a conversation about what was going on, he appeared on a videocall bruised and wasted - said he had drunk and got into a fight with a stranger,  that he was depressed and didn't know what to do. I gave him space and time and tried to be considerate to his needs, but he kept being closed off for weeks. In the end I confronted him about the situation and he sent me a text saying that he loved me and he would suffer from losing me, but he didn't want sth if it wasn't "light and easy".

I respected what he said and took distance to protect myself. After a month of silence he started contacting me with random messages, said he missed me and was thinking of me but not addressing any of what had happened in a meaningful way. I played along for a bit, then called him out on avoiding the elephant in the room and he went silent for another month. At one point he reappeared accusing me that I had anger issues and that I was revolving around myself. I told him that it was probably vice versa, but I was honest about the fact that I  still had feelings and that I was willing to do whatever I can to fix this. As I was coincidentally at that time, travelling to a city close to him, I suggested to meet  as a way to be adults and kind to each other, to at least get some closure with respect. He said he couldn't come, as he had "other responsibilities". Six months after that, he contacted me again saying that he missed me and wanted to speak to me. I responded in a neutral manner and after a few casual messages, he just didn't carry on with the communication. I messaged him then explaining how this erratic on and off thing is hurting me, that I want this to stop and that he needs to make up his mind about what he wants and he never replied. Six months afterwards, he liked a post of mine on FB but I didn't react in any way.

Then after some months, on the date that we had met two years ago, he sent me a 6page very dramatic letter, saying he has been living in darkness and abuse since we broke up, that he is lost and ashamed of the way he treated me, that my voice is missing in his life and he still loves me and dreams of the life we could have had. He ended the letter saying that he is in pain not knowing if we are still connected and not knowing what to do to reach back to me. After a few days, I  responded in a collected, human but straightforward way, I was clear about the behaviours of his that were not acceptable, I was blunt about how this had hurt me profoundly and that I didn't need this toxicity back in my life. I told him however  that I still believed in the goodness I had seen in him, that my feelings were not gone and that if he wonders how to reach back to me, then the way would be to finally have an honest conversation with each other. He never replied to me and then, after a few days, blocked me. It has been 4 months since then. I believe at some point he will resurface with the same pattern but of course, I know the pointlessness of it all. 

He had a history of childhood trauma, drug & alcohol abuse for the last 15 years and a pattern of physical violence in his relationships, being both the victim and the perpetrator. I was well aware of all the red flags about him from the beginning, but still I was unable to not also be touched by the kindness and the beauty and the good things that were also in him and I had faith that they would prevail. 

The reason I am sending this very long message to anyone out there who can relate to my pain, is because I am still struggling to heal from this. I have been unable to move on. I have forgiven but I have not forgotten the dream and the hope and the union I felt with him. For two and a half years, I grieved, I gave time to myself to understand, I have been compassionate towards myself and I tried to realise and accept my own responsibility in the situation, my own trauma that resulted in my own difficulty in setting boundaries. I am ok with myself and I am back on my feet. My life is good and not empty on the outside. But on the inside, there is this constant craving for what I felt for him, the feeling of constantly crawling into a void where nothing really matters, dissociated from everything. I feel that the part of me that believed in loving and being together with another being has been tortured and then dead and burried and I cannot retrieve it. I have been unable to rekindle faith in a connection with another human, to be able to hope or dream or allow anyone to come close to me again. 

I wonder if anyone resonates with my story and if it ever gets better. 

Thank you and love to everyone out there.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your pain @kons.  You did the right thing by ending the relationship and blocking him.  You are wise and correct.  Should he reach out to you in the future,  his same old pattern will predictably resume and he will play you for a fool.  No sense taking those foolhardy risks.  You made the right choice by dissolving and exiting this shamble of a relationship.

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  the sentiment is the same.  It's hard to move on.  It's easier to ruminate.  It is indeed a daily struggle because after relationships (or any relationships whether romantic,  family,  friends or whomever) have gone awry,  you feel bitter and resentful as if you wasted your precious time,  energy and resources on a person only for the relationship to feel like a complete wasted failure.  What was it all for?  It is indeed sorely disappointing when you had hopes and dreams for the relationship to flourish and instead,  it fizzled into oblivion.  I hear you.  It happened to me, too. 

Like you,  many times,  I too have lost faith in humanity and the human race in general.  It's so easy to feel jaded and wary due to grossly unfair past mistreatment courtesy of others no matter how good,  kind and generous you were to them.  It feels as if it was all a total waste of giving until it hurt my wallet,  energy and time. 

What helps is realizing that some people are so personally consumed with their internal misery that it is impossible to have a normal relationship with you because they're not of sound mind.  They are mentally ill and very mentally unstable because of it.  Hence,  they are incapable of behaving like a normal person and decent human being. 

Yes,  your story resonates with me.  Like you,  I hesitate to give my heart away to anyone outside my immediate circle.  Like you,  I fear getting hurt and the only way to 100% guarantee my safe stance is not give my love away freely.  I'm too expensive as should you be as well.  I cannot and will not take the risk of getting burned again.  Fool me once,  shame on you,  fool me twice,  shame on me.  It's so true. 

Life has a way of teaching you harsh lessons you'll never forget.  The upside to negative experiences is you gain wisdom from it and learn to navigate your life,  your choices in people and all you do in a very shrewd manner.  You become more careful,  no longer impulsive and you don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgement.  You read people better and your perception of others becomes razor sharp.  You become practical and realistic instead of dreamy.  You become pragmatic.  You take your time scrutinizing character above all else and if something doesn't add up about a person,  those alarming red flags are trying to tell you something:  Beware.  Take heed.  Beware of those who charm their way into your life because it's an act of pretense.  Eventually the jig is up which you've learned the hard way.

Your key takeaways are your vow to never get hurt again and you'll do whatever it takes to protect yourself,  keep you safe and out of harm's way.  This is how you take a bad experience and transform it into a positive outlook for yourself,  your trajectory and life from this day forward.  You become street smart. 

Don't live in the past.  Learn from it,  pick yourself up,  brush yourself off and triumph in your own way.   Become astute and know your past was not all in vain. 

[MissCanuck]

This man is dangerous, so it is very good that you are no longer in contact with him. 

What is your relationship history like? Have you been involved in other abusive relationships in the past?