Update - lying boyfriend got caught

[Bolosk]

I posted here before re my boyfriend's lies. We're in our early 30s and were together for almost 2 years.

I broke up with him last week. The last incident was he told me he was going into the office but everything suggested that he was actually working from home. I asked him, he refused. I drove to his house and caught him and ended things there and there. Apparently he was feeling really bad about not being able to go in and lied to me as I suspected. Why though? Who cares? He said that he never felt like I was a controlling person, he takes full responsibility.

Since then he's had a therapy intro session and wants another chance.

I love him so much but I do want to settle down with a non-lying honest man and have kids. I can't raise a kid with a liar. I looked up and it says it can take years of therapy to kick that lying habit. I don't want to waste more of my valuable time and potentially miss the window to have kids.

The reason he lies is that he grew up with an abusive caregiver who'd get violent so he picked up lying as a defence mechanism.

Even then he admitted that he wouldn't tolerate the same behaviour from a partner, which is baffling! I'm having a really hard time to make my mind up.

Hopefully this is my last post about him either way but I feel so conflicted. I do know I need to put myself first and shouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour but at the same time something's stopping me from cutting contact. Help!!

[Batya33]

What’s stopping you is that you’re into him and have feelings for him. That’s normal. You choose to react with common sense. You want a husband and child. He is not a good candidate for either.
The rest is what you posted before. Excuses for him treating you badly. I agree it’s a bad idea to start a family with someone you don’t trust and don’t trust to parent a child with values that are compatible with yours. Be with someone where you never have to check their devices or go to the extreme of driving to their home to check up on whether he’s teleworking or not. 

[TeeDee]

His lying as a defense mechanism is an ingrained behavior that had a lifetime to take hold.  That is not going to change with one introductory therapy session. 

Have him go for at least 6 months, then see where you are.  By then you should be over him & ready to start a fresh healthy relationship with somebody who doesn't lie all the time.  

If you take him back now you will have more of the same. 

[smackie9]

like I said before...he's 30 something it's way too late. It's obvious you can't wait around for results. Do what's right for YOU. 

[Cherylyn]

Many times you're nostalgic for any good memories you had with him.  Emotions cloud your judgement. 

Change the way you think.  Some people such as your ex-boyfriend are dangerous meaning those types of men will give you a hard life filled with unnecessary stress,  angst,  strife,  discord,  conflict and who needs that?  You certainly don't.  If you want to be happy just like a happy person out there in society,  certain people must be permanently eliminated from your life otherwise you'll be chronically miserable and depressed. 

Control your environment to your favor.  This is how you govern your life and regain power. 

A lot of times you pity a person due to their sad background and while that's ok,  the problem is some people continually drag you down to the point where you are unable to find joy in your life.  Be realistic and practical.  Look out for yourself because no one else will do it for you except YOU.  You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity always.  Any other way is intolerable and unacceptable. 

Lying,  cheating,  stealing,  deception,  betrayal,  mind games,  gaslighting,  sneakiness and the whole lot are all unforgivable sins.  Never make yourself vulnerable to those who will abuse you if you allow it by giving them permission to do so. ☹️

He's not husband material.  You're wasting your time and energy on a loser.  Let naivete be no more.  Never settle for mediocre,  subpar men.  Go for the best because it will pay off later with a long term,  joyous,  very stable family life you so desire. 

[JoyfulCompany]

You're going to completely burnout in a relationship without trust. Move on. Starting therapy is great but it's the beginning of a looooooong path and who knows if he'll stay on it and do the work. Not worth it to waste your time, if you want family and kids.

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Bolosk said:

at the same time something's stopping me from cutting contact.

What is that something, exactly? I understand there are easy answers, along the lines of: "I just love him so much." And while I don't discredit that line of reasoning at all, there are also probably more complex ones, maybe along the lines of: "I want to be the reason he changes." 

Totally human and understandable. Most of us probably have a hope like that simmering in one relationship or another—and even in successful, peaceful, and generally healthy ones that last "forever." X-ray my head and heart and I'm sure you'll find evidence of some quality I wouldn't mind seeing tweaked in my partner, as I'm sure the same goes for her. 

Thing is, the key ingredient is actually being okay with that thing never changing, being totally okay with the thing about another person that causes some friction being something you can live with, authentically. On the other hand, if you're hyper focused on seeing that one thing change—well, that's just a recipe for disaster. Because you're not really dating a person but your idea/fantasy of someone. It's the ego—more than the heart—that ends up being most responsible for the connection. 

Your posting history about this man is kind of a case study in becoming obsessed with that idea—to the point where you were putting your energy into conducting a small time sting operation to "catch" him. I get that: you needed the information to make the decision to part ways. That's healthy. Hard and painful, of course. But healthy. 

Not healthy is now taking a small shred of new information—a single therapy session—and spinning that back into a tale in which you're the reason he's going to change.  Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't. Whatever the case, it's not going to happen overnight and the two of you are not going to find an authentic point of connection until you move on from this dynamic you've co-created. That means letting go, and entrusting time to provide the answers you wish you could have right now. 

As others have said, if what you sincerely want in you life, big picture, is the sort of partnership that makes you want to get married and start a family the first thing is accepting that this one, and this person, is not that. Know it's hard. But there is real light on the other side of this. 

 

[yogacat]

You're always going to be waiting for the next shoe to drop with this guy. Are you prepared to be suspicious and insecure in your relationship? Both things are torture. Do you really want to constantly live in a state where you're doing drive-bys to see if your partner is at work?

If you settle with him, you'll really be replacing one abuse with a different one. You'll be taking on the role as his 3rd parent.

Whole thing is so OFF and bizarre.

The lying is probably reflex. It is almost guaranteed for your entire relationship.

And what happens when you have a kid? There will be so many opportunities for him to lie about small things about the baby such as "oh, she's extra fussy because she's teething. No, I didn't take her to see the doctor yesterday but her she did see the doctor 2 weeks ago." You want to be the person constantly on the lookout for this?

That is no way to live.

True story (friend of a friend) married a man and had children with someone EXACTLY like this. He wasn't that way until they were deep into their marriage. He did so many horrible things and she chose to stay with him. With the caveat that their child is seriously messed up from it. But on the outside, they give off the appearance of the 'perfect' family.

It's one thing to support someone working on their mental health, but you are not a therapist and it's not your responsibility to incubate them. Besides, when the reality is that this is a long term pattern that will never be "fixed" with or without professional intervention, I don't see how they are a suitable partner.

[Cherylyn]

Actually,  whenever you see cracks in a person's character,  they're doing you a tremendous favor.  It's better than deception because you're immediately clued in and this is your cue to bail. 

Red flags forewarn you of impending danger.  If you want to be content just like a person who doesn't have bad people in their lives,  emulate them by doing what they do.  People who don't have people problems  control who deserves to be in their life and eliminate those who don't qualify.  You do this by setting your standards high and if anyone breaks the rules of human decency,  they get kicked out. 

Don't only think of it as an unforgivable transgression.  Think of it as safety net for yourself.  Eliminating certain people from your life guarantees your safety and peace of mind not to mention a more secured future for yourself.  It's survival and you can't survive with senseless angst,  people who drag you down or go out of their way to make your life unnecessarily miserable. 

Change the way you think by altering course.  You'll be glad you did.