My sweet GF has me confused about her sexual past. How to move forwards?

[Confused_in_02139]

My [49M] sweet GF [41F] of almost 3 years has a really strange sexual past, and she’s made an egregious mistake last year. How should I proceed in this?

 

I have been with my GF for 2.5 years, and we have been living together for almost a year. She told me a few weird things about her past before moving in with me. One thing that she told me was that she dated a man who was 15 years older than her worked in soft-core porn. She absolutely loved him, and they lived together for a while even though he was unemployed the whole time. He has since died, but I’m finding out that he actually worked in hard core porn as a videographer and also as someone who organized a shoot. As I go through his social media postings from a discussion forum and his FB (which has been inactive since he died, but it’s remarkably candid), I’m finding out that he was basically a pimp also. From what I gather, her ex-BF would allow you to have sex with his models/actress/employee(?) if you signed some waivers. 

Also, I found out after moving in together that she’s had sex with a debaucherous public figure. Her appreciation to him goes back 20 years, which is when they had sex, but she’s since then gotten his autograph in 2007, has pics of them after one of his events in 2013 and after another event in 2018. This guy is married, but I’m really really weirded out that she’d be attracted to him, just because he is a public figure. How could you be in awe of someone who brags about spending “hundreds of thousands of dollars on prostitutes?”

Finally, shes always been tangential to sex workers in the past: In the first relationship that I had mentioned, she was with a guy who’d be dating multiple younger women and also pimping out these women who appeared on his videos. In the second example of how she’s tangential to sex workers, with the debaucherous public figure, that guy has bragged about “spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on prostitutes…for them to pee in [his] mouth and to crap a hot meal on [his] chest.” I am wondering if she saw herself as a sex worker or if she was caught up with their lifestyle.

She’s never cheated on her previous BFs but with me, she went to a sex club in NYC with two people: her best female friend and online male buddy from South Carolina. These three had a group chat which I’ve eavesdropped into. 

At that sex club, She didn’t have penetrative sex, but in front of everyone, she got flogged on her breasts, and this is weird. She would have been covered but wearing panties and probably only pasties on her nipples in front of all the people, including her male buddy from South Carolina who happens to be married with a baby. 

On their group chat, one of the guys there on WhatsApp, the buddy from South Carolina shared pics of his sex toys, which included a vibrator, two handcuffs, gag balls, and an insertion object. This guy, as I had mentioned, is married with a baby, and this type of communication is inappropriate. 

I can’t get over her first BF, who pimped out girls and filmed porn. She regards him as “her golden standard for BFs,” and we actually have his ashes in our flat. She (we?) will release it to the ocean soon. 

With the debaucherous famous guy: He’s a disgusting person. I have no idea how a person can be attracted to that. They never dated, but she seems to always re-live her one-night stand with him. Even though that was 20 years ago, she keeps on listening to other entertainers who were/are affiliated with that guy. She will even re-watch YouTube specials with people who were associated with that guy. 

Given that I’m not at all comfortable with her distant past that she doesn’t regret, would it be immature and petty of me to break it off with her? 

There are reasons to stay: We live very harmoniously, and we get along great. She’s definitely a sweet person and sensitive. When she asked me about marriage the other day, she said that she’s never been in a fulfilling relationship as the one she’s in now. I believe her. Her family loves me, and they’re quite nice. Finally, when my dad passed on earlier this year, she flew to the city where he was located two times: Once right when he died and again for the funeral. That was really kind of her.

TL;DR: GF of 2.5 years has been with really sketchy people in the past, and she even went to a sex club without asking me. She’s really nice and in love with me, and we get along. How should I proceed?

 

[Morello]

"My sweet GF..." 😅 🙄

[yogacat]

Yeah, well see, open the can of worms and don't be surprised when worms come out.

What did you think would happen when you asked about her past, eh? Be careful what you ask for?

Okay you don't like her past work, clearly and so you are thinking about not dating her. Look, we all have our dealbreakers. 

As long as this is your attitude YET you still are with her despite knowing her history, you will just end up resenting her deep down, and it will be a toxic thing.

[Confused_in_02139]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yeah, well see, open the can of worms and don't be surprised when worms come out.

What did you think would happen when you asked about her past, eh? Be careful what you ask for?

Okay you don't like her past work, clearly and so you are thinking about not dating her. Look, we all have our dealbreakers. 

As long as this is your attitude YET you still are with her despite knowing her history, you will just end up resenting her deep down, and it will be a toxic thing.

Is my resentment normal or is it RetroActive Jealousy? There’s a subreddit for that. After all, she dated the pornographer around 2009-2013 or so. 
 

she had sex with the debaucherous, “degenerate” public figure around 2003, she claims. 

[Confused_in_02139]

12 minutes ago, Morello said:

"My sweet GF..." 😅 🙄

We have lived harmoniously for about 11 months. We have a lot of fun, and she’s been very sweet, nurturing, caring, and we’ve travelled a lot together. 
 

I don’t know if all this goodness in our relationship can compensate for her previous oddities and the fact that she went to Temptations back in January 2023.  

[Batya33]

Just now, Confused_in_02139 said:

Is my resentment normal or is it RetroActive Jealousy? There’s a subreddit for that. After all, she dated the pornographer around 2009-2013 or so. 
 

she had sex with the debaucherous, “degenerate” public figure around 2003, she claims. 

Who cares -all that matters is if right now it concerns you enough to be a dealbreaker.  For example, I dated a recovering alcoholic/drug user 4 times. He'd been sober for a couple of years. He was active in AA.  He was honest about his past and of course the risk of relapse.  I did no google searches -he was an open book. He seemed like a good, good hearterd intelligent person.  And after 4 dates I knew because of his past we had no future -I was not the right person to be with a recovering drug addict. Friends? Sure had we met that way.  But seriously dating? No.  

[yogacat]

6 minutes ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

Is my resentment normal or is it RetroActive Jealousy? There’s a subreddit for that. After all, she dated the pornographer around 2009-2013 or so. 
 

she had sex with the debaucherous, “degenerate” public figure around 2003, she claims. 

My ex had retroactive jealousy and my past is pretty squeaky clean.

Here's why it actually matters whether it's retroactive jealousy vs regular jealousy: Retro-active jealousy is a form of compulsion. It's basically the need to act on something you know is illogical. It's painful, it's disruptive, and it's ultimately self-destructive. Regular jealousy is much easier to deal with. 

If this topic brings up your compulsive tendencies, that's retroactive jealousy. You shouldn't feel bad if that's the case but you need to take this seriously. The reason it matters is because you cannot force someone else to change. You MUST accept people the way they are. But retroactive jealousy is all to do with you and your mindset, not her or her past.

I'd argue that it's pretty normal to be bothered by this type of past. It's by no means unusual. As for the other situation, I think your anger is valid but maybe you should take a better look at how you're living now and see if you're getting what you want emotionally from your current partner. 

People WILL have pasts you find disgusting at one juncture or another. I often wonder if people in these specific sorts of relationships should form more of their own shared inklings into what they're seeking and embrace it without pretense.

It seems like so often in these cases the love is real and wonderful for both people, but there is a disconnect in terms of what people can offer in terms of sex/love.

[Confused_in_02139]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

My ex had retroactive jealousy and my past is pretty squeaky.

Here's why it actually matters whether it's retroactive jealousy vs regular jealousy: Retro-active jealousy is a form of compulsion. It's basically the need act on something you know is illogical. It's painful, it's disruptive, and it's ultimately self-destructive. Regular jealousy is much easier to deal with. 

If this topic brings up your compulsive tendencies, that's retroactive jealousy. You shouldn't feel bad if that's the case but you need to take this seriously. The reason it matters is because you cannot force someone else to change. You MUST accept people the way they are. But retroactive jealousy is all to do with you and your mindset, not her or her past.

I'd argue that it's pretty normal to be bothered by this type of past. It's by no means unusual. As for the other situation, I think your anger is valid but maybe you should take a better look at how you're living now and see if you're getting what you want emotionally from your current partner. 

People WILL have pasts you find disgusting at one juncture or another. I often wonder if people in these specific sorts of relationships should form more of their own shared inklings into what they're seeking and embrace it without pretense.

It seems like so often in these cases the love is real and wonderful for both people, but there is a disconnect in terms of what people can offer in terms of sex/love.

This was extremely powerful and sweet of you. 
 

NAMASTAY TO YOU!!!!

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

Is my resentment normal or is it RetroActive Jealousy?

Huh?

Dude, she made a secret visit to a sex club during your relatonship. This isn't just about her past. This is also very much about her present. 

You need to take your blinders off about this woman. She is not the sweet, respectful and in-love little kitten you think she is. She is the type who sneaks around and plans sexual rendezvous while behind your back. 

Get rid. 

[poorlittlefish]

Has it not occurred to you that your girlfriend may have omitted to disclose that she was actually a sex worker? The men she associated with and her behaviour strongly suggests to me that this could well be the case. 

I don't know why people start talking about their sexual pasts; it rarely leads to a positive outcome. You can't change what your girlfriend did in the past, but she's still doing similar things while in a relationship with you (and likely glossing over the full story of what she did at that sex club). 

[TeeDee]

16 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

would it be immature and petty of me to break it off with her? 

* * * 

TL;DR: GF of 2.5 years has been with really sketchy people in the past, and she even went to a sex club without asking me. She’s really nice and in love with me, and we get along. How should I proceed?

You can break up with somebody for any reason or no reason.  So no breaking up with her would not be immature or petty.  You get to do what's right for you. 

At this point you need to figure out what your core values are.  Once you know yourself, then you have to figure out how she aligns with those values.  When 2 people are fundamentally incompatible it can be tough to keep a relationship going. 

If you are OK with her past, even assuming the worst, then fine stay with her.  But from your post you seem bothered by some of it, yet you don't want to appear judgmental or closed minded.  It's OK to have standards.  Part of the point of standards is that not everyone will meet them.  By saying "hey I'm not OK with these decisions" doesn't mean you hate somebody, want to change them or even take away their right to chose to do things that you disapprove of.  All you are saying is their choices aren't right for you.  

[Kwothe28]

17 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

How could you be in awe of someone who brags about spending “hundreds of thousands of dollars on prostitutes?”

She slept with Charlie Sheen? Bro, better get that STDs checked. 😆

17 hours ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

I can’t get over her first BF, who pimped out girls and filmed porn. She regards him as “her golden standard for BFs,”

"When they tell you who they are, believe them". At the best you are dating a very easy woman. At the worst, you are dating a full blown prostitute. Get out of there before your health takes a toll. 

[smackie9]

This would be a deal breaker for the majority of people so stop feeling so guilty about how you feel...it's perfectly normal. Me personally would break it off. You both deserve to be with other people that are more suitable. 

[yogacat]

21 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Huh?

Dude, she made a secret visit to a sex club during your relatonship. This isn't just about her past. This is also very much about her present. 

You need to take your blinders off about this woman. She is not the sweet, respectful and in-love little kitten you think she is. She is the type who sneaks around and plans sexual rendezvous while behind your back. 

Get rid. 

Yes, I am wondering same...

I didn't make reference to it initially because OP you seem to be more concerned by her past than present and I was totally curious to know what THAT is about? Then you mentioned the sex club thing and I thought, 'well...'

You don’t seem that upset that your partner has been tangential to the porn world, it’s more that you’re mad that she thought a guy attracted to hookers was cool, and it seems like you’re primarily weirded out by her association with a public figure who socializes with prostitutes.

I find her recent actions of going to sex clubs and hanging out with stripper loving people to be quite on par with her former relationships. She likes this sort of thing. 

But I think in this case you're feeling threatened by this public figure as if your gf is attracted to the vicarious because of the material undertones of your rival’s lifestyle.

Like, for real it sounds like your only hang up with her past is that retrospectively you think they’re trashy losers.

The sex club thing is just another level of "What The Heck?" 🤔

 

[Confused_in_02139]

On 7/9/2024 at 12:36 AM, MissCanuck said:

Huh?

Dude, she made a secret visit to a sex club during your relatonship. This isn't just about her past. This is also very much about her present. 

You need to take your blinders off about this woman. She is not the sweet, respectful and in-love little kitten you think she is. She is the type who sneaks around and plans sexual rendezvous while behind your back. 

Get rid. 

Hi and thanks for your reply MsCanuck. 
 

I’d like to point out two things: (1) we both went to a sex club in providence (gross!), and also (2) that she visited Temptations with her best friend of 30 years and another guy who is married and at the time his wife was expecting another child. This was January 2023, and although we had been together for 15 months, we weren’t committed on my end. That being said, we both never had sex out of our relationship or kissed another person or went on a date. She’s had a good reputation for not being a cheater I think. 
 

when I picked her up from the airport and took her to her apartment, we started to initiate sex, and as I took off her shirt, she said “you got to be delicate with my *** because I had them flogged at a sex club.”  
 

I wasn’t at all upset at that time, because I still wasn’t in a committed relationship with her in my mind.

however, she was somewhat sad that I didn’t even care at that time. She said “you don’t even care? well at least you’re open-minded.”

 

it was about four months later did I realize this wasn’t normal at all. 
 

but she’s apologized and now we have hard boundaries on this. 
 

her explanation, which is correct, is that on my dating profile, I used terms like “polyamory,” but in all fairness, I wasn’t using that word correctly. I should have said that “before being in a committed relationship, I am open to having sex.” 
 

I know that she didn’t have penetrative sex there or kiss anyone. She was just flogged in front of people including that married man who was expecting another child (and was later born in May 2023). I’m still weirded out that she would be in a chat group and visit a swingers club with Jim and her best friend. He is no threat, by the way. He lives in NORTH CAROLINA, and not SC like I had originally written. 

 

[Confused_in_02139]

On 7/9/2024 at 2:23 AM, poorlittlefish said:

Has it not occurred to you that your girlfriend may have omitted to disclose that she was actually a sex worker? The men she associated with and her behaviour strongly suggests to me that this could well be the case. 

I don't know why people start talking about their sexual pasts; it rarely leads to a positive outcome. You can't change what your girlfriend did in the past, but she's still doing similar things while in a relationship with you (and likely glossing over the full story of what she did at that sex club). 

It has occurred to me, and she was basically a groupie for a comedy troupe, of which that debaucherous guy was a part of. 
 

She has a good job in IT and was an excellent student. She graduated in 2021 with an MBA with a 4.0 GPA. 
 

to tell you the truth, I’m not totally uncomfortable with sex workers. Jesus and Buddha affiliated themselves to sex workers. In all fairness, I visited one in Germany many years back with friends. They’re like social workers. 

[Confused_in_02139]

On 7/9/2024 at 11:59 AM, TeeDee said:

You can break up with somebody for any reason or no reason.  So no breaking up with her would not be immature or petty.  You get to do what's right for you. 

At this point you need to figure out what your core values are.  Once you know yourself, then you have to figure out how she aligns with those values.  When 2 people are fundamentally incompatible it can be tough to keep a relationship going. 

If you are OK with her past, even assuming the worst, then fine stay with her.  But from your post you seem bothered by some of it, yet you don't want to appear judgmental or closed minded.  It's OK to have standards.  Part of the point of standards is that not everyone will meet them.  By saying "hey I'm not OK with these decisions" doesn't mean you hate somebody, want to change them or even take away their right to chose to do things that you disapprove of.  All you are saying is their choices aren't right for you.  

TeeDee, 

I agree with you. I’m not comfortable with her pay and how late she disclosed all this to me. It took 1.5 years in our relationship for me to find out that she dated and LOVED a pornographer who was 15 years elder to her. This was 3 months after her sex club visit and on April 2023. 
 

we move in together in August 2023, and two months later, she mentioned she had WEIRD sex with that debaucherous entertainer who brags about spending hundreds of thousands on hookers. I WAS gut punched because a few days prior, we watched him on YouTube and she didn’t mention it. 
 

then she showed me her fetlife profile around this time, which is fine because I created a vanilla profile where I mention that I’m in a relationship with her. Her profile has a picture of her naked backside bent over and bruised. All 25 of her friends can see this picture, which I find weird. 
 

we get along well. She smokes a lot of cannabis, and I’m ok with that. She doesn’t cook but she cleans well. She’s loving, nurturing, kind, and always up for an adventure. I’m the alpha in this relationship, but she is not the one to share my life with. 

[yogacat]

13 minutes ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

to tell you the truth, I’m not totally uncomfortable with sex workers. Jesus and Buddha affiliated themselves to sex workers. In all fairness, I visited one in Germany many years back with friends. They’re like social workers. 

🤔😂

Okay. You're yanking our chain me thinks.

[TeeDee]

12 minutes ago, Confused_in_02139 said:

she is not the one to share my life with. 

It sounds like you are answering your own Q.  Somebody can be a good person but still not a good partner for you. 

[catfeeder]

You’re the only person who can assign a worst case scenario and decide how much it ‘must’ matter to you.

Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote. If you weigh the worst possible outcome and then decide that this woman has come to mean more to you than any given implication of that, then why should anyone else’s opinion matter?

However, you’ll need to stop riding that fence. Take your leap to one side or the other, because one foot left dangling over the other side will eat you alive.

Nobody else can make your answer wrong for you. You are the owner of it. It’s your decision.

[lostandhurt]

I am wondering when the clown sex story comes out.

Please tell me you use condoms?  Or the very least she has shown you a recent blood test.  She is what they call a high risk for sexually transmitted diseases.

Dump her, keep her it is your choice not the Internets.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

You make a lot of excuses for her. 

Have at it if you wish, but understand that there's probably no future here. 

[poorlittlefish]

15 months and you still didn't consider it a committed relationship? No wonder there are no established boundaries. Your whole situation seems a bit messed up.