mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 2 minutes ago, Batya33 said: For me it's about head and heart combo and not telling yourself not to feel something -rather acknowledging even when it is hard that we choose the reaction to our feelings. It's also not just logic. It's all the head stuff, all the choices we make in reaction to our feelings. It's when I wait 24 hours if at all possible to respond to an email that bothers me or I wait to address an issue with my husband that can wait -and if I wait often I've internally resolved it and/or I can communicate with him in a much calmer way. It's not logic -or not all "logic" - it's simply common sense/pick your battles/I know in 24 hours the world will look different. For me it doesn't detract at all from romance and can enhance romance. I also model for our son since obviously teenagers act impulsively as he reminds me often lol. Of course. I also agree with your observation that maybe lately, there is less stomach for “seeing it through” meaning, really dedicating and putting the hard work into a long term marriage (which as we all know, is absolutely, abbbbsolutely! Needed! And essential!) I took my vows deathly serious and presumed wrongly that everyone else does or would. This is obviously not the case. Some people get married on a flimsy and have that option of divorce at the near forefront of their mind already should anything get real tough, awkward, stale, etc. I understand in abusive situations, I would never advocate for anyone to stay in an actually abusive marriage or relationship - but controversially I think if you went the extra mile to dedicate yourself and tie the knot, you should stick to your word, your promise - and make the best try you can of it, and for many years too, before throwing in the towel. Religious people hold the sanctimony of marriage strongly - I really respect that, I so do, even being non-religious myself, I admire it greatly. For the love to last, of course you need all the slog, the working it out, the growing together yet still surprising each other, retaining your individuality and own projects and passions whilst also tending to your teamwork in a partnership! So many layers, so many factors, that it becomes quite difficult to articulate really what keeps a long and happy marriage because without knowing it, the couple is doing a hell of a lot behind the scenes! And, I like your wait and step back method Batya!!! Coming into my mid 30s I am actively trying to not be reactive as much. It’s very difficult and feels unobtainable for me but I’m sure we’ll get there… on my 90th Birthday maybe 🤣 Hey if my older husband dies long before me I still might yet have my “hoe era” starting in my late 40s LOLOL!!!! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Just now, mylolita said: nd, I like your wait and step back method Batya!!! Coming into my mid 30s I am actively trying to not be reactive as much. It’s very difficult and feels unobtainable for me but I’m sure we’ll get there… on my 90th Birthday maybe 🤣 LOL I get it. Practice is what helped me and the reward of calm and peace. Better friendships and working relationships. Also information is power. I've made assumptions about why someone did something and they were wrong -I learned this in that 24 hour period and was so happy I didn't react. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 25 minutes ago, mylolita said: What has helped me personally regarding women’s issues of body type and all that has been reading David Kibble’s book ‘Metamorphosis’ which emphasises skeletal structure and defines women’s figures in essences and how their different skeletons hold frame, flesh, sharpness and softness. One of his categories is “theatrical romantic” which is what I think I fall under. The system isn’t weight related, as your skeletal frame never changes! Sorry to go off topic, but if you want to embrace your natural body, simply “how you are” it’s a fantastic fresh look on things, even though it was published in the 80s! I'm going to look it up. This sounds super interesting! 25 minutes ago, mylolita said: We wanted to buy a house before starting a family, and the house we eventually bought when I was 25 needed everything doing to it - including ground work! It was a vast building site for about 3 years and it took 6 to become fully finished! It was a bit of everything. In hindsight, I would have had children earlier, even though I was not exactly old (became pregnant fast at 27 then had my 3 near back to back). There really never is a “perfect time!” I had quite a long engagement as well of 3 years! (I got engaged when I was 21). Congrats on the house! In the few pictures I've seen here, it looks marvellous. Indeed, there's no full perfect time to getting kids. May I ask, did you feel any body recovery pressure once you has your last kid? I see this so much online that it's so toxic. It makes me wonder if I'll feel bad looking I, hello, gave birth! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 16 minutes ago, mylolita said: understand in abusive situations, I would never advocate for anyone to stay in an actually abusive marriage or relationship - but controversially I think if you went the extra mile to dedicate yourself and tie the knot, you should stick to your word, your promise - and make the best try you can of it, and for many years too, before throwing in the towel. Yea, but in the cases of cheating, taking the other for granted, or even dead bedrooms, what do you too? Sometimes you have to throw the towel there too 😕 Same for those who marry for the wrong reasons. Otherwise, yes, I think the rest can be worked on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 16 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I've made assumptions about why someone did something and they were wrong -I learned this in that 24 hour period and was so happy I didn't react. I try to do that too. I try to give myself time before fully panicking or facing a situation when it's "hot". I let the dust settle where I can. It does require practice, but worth it! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Just now, DarkCh0c0 said: I'm going to look it up. This sounds super interesting! Congrats on the house! In the few pictures I've seen here, it looks marvellous. Indeed, there's no full perfect time to getting kids. May I ask, did you feel any body recovery pressure once you has your last kid? I see this so much online that it's so toxic. It makes me wonder if I'll feel bad looking I, hello, gave birth! I'll answer this. Obviously would love to hear Lolita! I didn't care and welcomed the weight gain -didn't love the awful constipation (sorry if TMI), I was 10000% focused on health of the baby so any focus on my body was related to that. Afterwards I did not feel bad looking. I had major surgery -c-section -last minute so my body was tired, being squeezed by those awful leg contraptions and my nursing wasn't working well so that felt awful. I was totally comfortable with my looks and body post-pregnancy. Because it didn't matter to me. Only my newborn did. The postpartum stroke made me feel horrible but not bad looking. Pressure to lose the baby weight -some internally. I'd never been overweight before! And given the stroke my doc wanted me to start up exercising again ASAP and lose the weight because obviously it helps circulation etc. I didn't feel fat. I gained 32-35 pounds. After birth I had around another 10 to lose which I lost in about 5 months. I then went on to lose another 10. I was slim when I got pregnant but over the years my appetite decreased, I quit diet soda and therefore didn't have as many carb and sweets cravings and as a SAHM especially I was on the go allll the time in addition to working out (I don't drive so much of my work as a SAHM was on our feet- running, pushing stroller everywhere etc). I was happy I lost the weight wihin 5 months. I have many many friends in their 40s and 50s who are overweight -most have kids and some do not. I'm glad that I have genetics on my side and that I am reasonably thin and fit. I work very very hard at it. But not to the point of true deprivation. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Yea, but in the cases of cheating, taking the other for granted, or even dead bedrooms, what do you too? Sometimes you have to throw the towel there too 😕 Same for those who marry for the wrong reasons. Otherwise, yes, I think the rest can be worked on. Yes that can happen. Taking the other for granted? I don't see that as grounds for divorce before working together perhaps with a counselor to reinvigorate the marriage. And what some might see that way others might see as comfy -meaning an outsider can have a different view. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 4 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yes that can happen. Taking the other for granted? I don't see that as grounds for divorce before working together perhaps with a counselor to reinvigorate the marriage. And what some might see that way others might see as comfy -meaning an outsider can have a different view. Yes. Absolutely! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 6 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I'll answer this. Obviously would love to hear Lolita! I didn't care and welcomed the weight gain -didn't love the awful constipation (sorry if TMI), I was 10000% focused on health of the baby so any focus on my body was related to that. Afterwards I did not feel bad looking. I had major surgery -c-section -last minute so my body was tired, being squeezed by those awful leg contraptions and my nursing wasn't working well so that felt awful. I was totally comfortable with my looks and body post-pregnancy. Because it didn't matter to me. Only my newborn did. The postpartum stroke made me feel horrible but not bad looking. Pressure to lose the baby weight -some internally. I'd never been overweight before! And given the stroke my doc wanted me to start up exercising again ASAP and lose the weight because obviously it helps circulation etc. I didn't feel fat. I gained 32-35 pounds. After birth I had around another 10 to lose which I lost in about 5 months. I then went on to lose another 10. I was slim when I got pregnant but over the years my appetite decreased, I quit diet soda and therefore didn't have as many carb and sweets cravings and as a SAHM especially I was on the go allll the time in addition to working out (I don't drive so much of my work as a SAHM was on our feet- running, pushing stroller everywhere etc). I was happy I lost the weight wihin 5 months. I have many many friends in their 40s and 50s who are overweight -most have kids and some do not. I'm glad that I have genetics on my side and that I am reasonably thin and fit. I work very very hard at it. But not to the point of true deprivation. Every journey is different. I appreciate you shared your story. Health is so key postpartum. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 20 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: I'm going to look it up. This sounds super interesting! Congrats on the house! In the few pictures I've seen here, it looks marvellous. Indeed, there's no full perfect time to getting kids. May I ask, did you feel any body recovery pressure once you has your last kid? I see this so much online that it's so toxic. It makes me wonder if I'll feel bad looking I, hello, gave birth! Thank you so much Dark! It was actually a different house to the one we’re in now! We have two big renovations under our belt (we’re nuts!) 😅 And to tell you the truth Dark, it so depends on the woman and her pregnancy, it really does. I was fairly young when I had my son (28) and my body simply snapped right back quite naturally. I think being fairly young-ish still did it. I had my second when I was 29. Not too much change again but I can feel a couple extra pounds not being able to shift. I had my last daughter when I was 31 and having them close and getting into my 30s for me, personally, made a bigger difference. My body is simply not the same proportions it was when I was 18. And it wouldn’t likely be even if I hadn’t of had any children. But your pelvis widens and never returns back - that alone will add an inch or two onto your hips unless you lose more weight than you had on post baby. I feel, you simply are too wrapped up in raising your kids! Honestly, you really are. All that teenage body appearance based noise gets drowned out by your relationship, your babies, adult responsibilities. You have, “bigger fish to fry!” I’ve always loved clothes, loved anything like that and still do. I always put everything I can into my appearance or, as much as time will allow. I take pride in my appearance and that has never slipped, which keeps me feeling good about myself, regardless of putting on some extra pounds. What childbirth doesn’t do, age will finish off the rest. Apologies to be bleak - no one is getting to the end of this life looking like they did when they were 21 forever. I’m part French. French women’s philosophy is a little cavalier and a little romantic, as you might have heard. We embrace the natural and lean into style, flare and passion. Grow old gracefully, enjoy your physicality. We all have beautiful aspects inside and out that can be emphasised. With ultra confidence, “flaws” will go quite unnoticed by yourself and others as well. There is this media image of the perky, skinny mother pushing the pram and hopping into her 4x4 Porsche. That is some women. Most women - no 🤪 It doesn’t mean you can’t gain a bit of softness, natural womanlyness, embrace that as becoming a mother for a bit. If you wanna be fit and taunt nothing stops anyone. Others don’t find it a priority and focus on different things. I would never worry about that Dark! You can waste your life trying to fit into other peoples moulds or what we think we should look like! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Just now, DarkCh0c0 said: Every journey is different. I appreciate you shared your story. Health is so key postpartum. I had no journey lol. I remember the nurse wanting me to get up the day after my emergency c-section and eat breakfast. This postpartum chick wasn't journeying out of her bed lol so I said "you're joking right???" She wasn't lol. So I put one heavy foot in front of the other and made it to the restroom. It wasn't a journey for me because for me a journey has certain structure and plans. My experience did not. For example having a postpartum stroke is extremely rare. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 8 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yes that can happen. Taking the other for granted? I don't see that as grounds for divorce before working together perhaps with a counselor to reinvigorate the marriage. And what some might see that way others might see as comfy -meaning an outsider can have a different view. I have to also second this Batya! I would say with cheating, for me, it would depend on the situation how and why’s. Everyone has different boundaries and criteria. I would never say this to my husband, but if there was absolutely no love or emotional tie to it, he had a moment of horny madness, I would probably do my best to work through it, but make no mistake - thin thin ultra thin ice with sharks underneath!!!! Drifting apart, lack or no sex, etc - is something most long term marriages will eventually have to work through, and for me, is optimistically doeable as long as the love and will is there! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 @Batya33 @mylolita Ladies, I appreciate you. Your povs are so grounded, humble and real 🩷 A breath of fresh air filled with lovely rose petals. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 18 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yes that can happen. Taking the other for granted? I don't see that as grounds for divorce before working together perhaps with a counselor to reinvigorate the marriage. And what some might see that way others might see as comfy -meaning an outsider can have a different view. I have to also second this Batya! For example, my sister, after living with us on holiday for three nights, witnessed me and my husband bicker and she came to me totally serious and all concerned for my marriage. What outsiders think should be this vision of perfection simply does not exist. The two people in the couple will know what is healthy and normal and what is not. Me having a mini rant about a gas oven and saying to him and my sister that they were back seat drivers whilst I’m nearly getting my eye brows burnt off here is, to me, definitely not a cause for a trip to the marriage counsellors office 🤣 She had just come out of unfortunately a failed relationship and I think maybe she had this vision of our marriage and somehow presumed we would never argue! Which, is wrong 😮💨😆😆😆 x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 minute ago, DarkCh0c0 said: @Batya33 @mylolita Ladies, I appreciate you. Your povs are so grounded, humble and real 🩷 A breath of fresh air filled with lovely rose petals. Dark you are just so lovely!!!!!!! Honestly you will be snapped up if you want to be! I really truly hope you don’t feel down in yourself or compare too much. No one’s lives are perfect! There will be much enviable and admirable aspects of your life I would fall over myself in awe about! Give yourself a pat on the back! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkCh0c0 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 minute ago, mylolita said: Dark you are just so lovely!!!!!!! Honestly you will be snapped up if you want to be! I really truly hope you don’t feel down in yourself or compare too much. No one’s lives are perfect! There will be much enviable and admirable aspects of your life I would fall over myself in awe about! Give yourself a pat on the back! Aww thank you🩷 I'm having a rough day, and your kind words mean a lot to me. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Aww thank you🩷 I'm having a rough day, and your kind words mean a lot to me. Please don’t Dark but also, don’t be hard on yourself! Everyone has ‘em! You’ll have a hundred things or more to be thankful for right where you are, right now, without changing a thing. Enjoy the ride x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said: Aww thank you🩷 I'm having a rough day, and your kind words mean a lot to me. I agree and I am very very sorry you're having a rough day! I don't think I'd ever be ok with my husband having sex outside of our marriage or even close to it but thankfully it's not on my radar/never happened/don't worry about it happening. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mylolita Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 35 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I agree and I am very very sorry you're having a rough day! I don't think I'd ever be ok with my husband having sex outside of our marriage or even close to it but thankfully it's not on my radar/never happened/don't worry about it happening. Same here Batya I am being theoretical - I honestly think that would be a marriage breaker for me too, but would have to see how it played out at the time. I think I could possibly forgive the actual act (if one rash meaningless time) but of course the real problem in my eyes would be the trust being broken, and how to then go forward not trusting your own husband. Not sure whether I could do it and I completely understand when people divorce because of infidelity. x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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