How to handle this - two guys

[kim42]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not -it's poor judgment IMO to have sex now with him given LD's visit and anyway you are not dating this person you are meeting up to have sex.  I personally would never ever encourage any person to have sex with someone casually to "learn" about themselves or "try new things" - I totally get others do make that suggestion.

If  you would date this man then it's imbalanced here -he's made it clear he wants to have sex with you as the beginning and end of your interactions.  Protect your heart then IMO.

I thought it was really good on your part to go on dates while LD guy wasn't available to meet up with you.

Thanks Batya, I'll protect my heart but I don't expect to date work guy, it's just sex, and I don't understand why some members are convinced there has to be something more.

And just to add, I'm excited to finally see LD guy again but we haven't seen each other in months and I don't know how he feels about this long distance situation, so there's still a lot of uncertainty around him.  In this case, I honestly see nothing wrong with having a 'filler' - the work guy.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thanks Batya, I'll protect my heart but I don't expect to date work guy, it's just sex, and I don't understand why some members are convinced there has to be something more.

And just to add, I'm excited to finally see LD guy again but we haven't seen each other in months and I don't know how he feels about this long distance situation, so there's still a lot of uncertainty around him.  In this case, I honestly see nothing wrong with having a 'filler' - the work guy.

Because you would be interested in dating him. And he has told you he is not into you for dating. So he can’t be a filler. First because filler as you wrote means people you date. It’s like saying I want filet mignon but it’s too hard to get so I’ll have an impossible burger instead. The burger is not filler.  And second it’s imbalanced. You want more than he does. And when you’re having intercourse that gets very risky emotionally.needlessly risky.   For men and women. 
Since you feel so strongly about a sex partner as “filler” my suggestion is to find a partner who feels the same because if he gets negative or judgey (like if you give him an STD or he finds out ) then obviously given your strong stance on having a sex partner for filler you two won’t be compatible.  On the good side if you find out he’s had women in his bed as fillers you’ll relate beautifully to his choice. 

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, kim42 said:

In this case, I honestly see nothing wrong with having a 'filler' - the work guy.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this^ and no one including me is judging you for it.  I just posed some questions for you to consider within yourself based on your energy when talking about "workguy" versus your energy when talking about "LD guy."

I sense a certain excitement about work guy, and I have lost count of how many times you've used the word "strong chemistry" to describe your feelings about him.  Not once have you described your feelings about LD guy as having strong chemistry.

Chemistry is important!  It's that somethin somethin that can't even be described really, a feeling basically in our solar plexis when for example receiving a text, chatting/interacting/flirting, the anticipation of seeing them again, being sexual with them.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but I don't get that sense from you about LD guy!   Based on your posts on this thread.  You say you're excited about his visit but your "energy" (which I know sounds totally hokey to some people) says something different.  TO ME.

On the other hand, I DO get that sense from you when talking about work guy, despite the fact HE only wants casual and you have sort of adapted yourself to that, which is what you yourself posted.

Anyway Kim, this is just my opinion, I am only one person, who cares!  You know yourself best and if you say it's "just sex," and only physical with work guy and there are no feelings involved beyond that, then I respect that and again wish you the best of luck!!!!

Nuff said from me!!!

Enjoy!!!

[kim42]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because you would be interested in dating him. And he has told you he is not into you for dating. So he can’t be a filler. First because filler as you wrote means people you date. It’s like saying I want filet mignon but it’s too hard to get so I’ll have an impossible burger instead. The burger is not filler.  And second it’s imbalanced. You want more than he does. And when you’re having intercourse that gets very risky emotionally.needlessly risky.   For men and women. 
Since you feel so strongly about a sex partner as “filler” my suggestion is to find a partner who feels the same because if he gets negative or judgey (like if you give him an STD or he finds out ) then obviously given your strong stance on having a sex partner for filler you two won’t be compatible.  On the good side if you find out he’s had women in his bed as fillers you’ll relate beautifully to his choice. 

Batya, I appreciate your input but I honestly don't understand why we're talking about me and work guy dating. I didn't come here to ask how to turn a casual thing into dating, it's just physical and I'm okay with it.

I don't understand how you came to this conclusion - 'Because you would be interested in dating him. And he has told you he is not into you for dating. '

Me and work guy never even discussed dating, we just hooked up and want to do it again, that's all. And I didn't say I'd be interested in dating him. I'm not even thinking about that, it's just casual. I don't know why you think that I want 'more' than he does - as I said several times, it's just sex and I'm okay with it.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Batya, I appreciate your input but I honestly don't understand why we're talking about me and work guy dating. I didn't come here to ask how to turn a casual thing into dating, it's just physical and I'm okay with it.

I don't understand how you came to this conclusion - 'Because you would be interested in dating him. And he has told you he is not into you for dating. '

Me and work guy never even discussed dating, we just hooked up and want to do it again, that's all. And I didn't say I'd be interested in dating him. I'm not even thinking about that, it's just casual. I don't know why you think that I want 'more' than he does - as I said several times, it's just sex and I'm okay with it.

You wrote we encouraged you to date others. That is why I wrote that. Because I didn’t see anyone encouraging you to have sex with coworkers or random men you’re not dating. You raised it. Not me. You told rainbow rose if your sex partner asks you to date you’d be open to it depending on LD guy. Maybe you wrote that and now have changed your mind. Which is fine !

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this^ and no one including me is judging you for it.  I just posed some questions for you to consider within yourself based on your energy when talking about "workguy" versus your energy when talking about "LD guy."

I sense a certain excitement about work guy, and I have lost count of how many times you've used the word "strong chemistry" to describe your feelings about him.  Not once have you described your feelings about LD guy as having strong chemistry.

Chemistry is important!  It's that somethin somethin that can't even be described really, a feeling basically in our solar plexis when for example receiving a text, chatting/interacting/flirting, the anticipation of seeing them again, being sexual with them.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but I don't get that sense from you about LD guy!   Based on your posts on this thread.  You say you're excited about his visit but your "energy" (which I know sounds totally hokey to some people) says something different.  TO ME.

On the other hand, I DO get that sense from you when talking about work guy, despite the fact HE only wants casual and you have sort of adapted yourself to that, which is what you yourself posted.

Anyway Kim, this is just my opinion, I am only one person, who cares!  You know yourself best and if you say it's "just sex," and only physical with work guy and there are no feelings involved beyond that, then I respect that and again wish you the best of luck!!!!

Nuff said from me!!!

Enjoy!!!

Same. I think from what she wrote she has chemistry and clicks in a meaningful way with LD. 

[rainbowsandroses]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Same. I think from what she wrote she has chemistry and clicks in a meaningful way with LD. 

Well then it's not the same because my sense based on what she has posted is she clicks has chemistry with work guy but not so much with LD guy.   

With LD guy there is a potential for more than just sex, which is what she ultimately wants so she hopes she has chemistry and clicks with him when he visits, but it's not quite there yet.  Like I said she has not once described her feelings about him as having "strong chemistry" like she has with work guy.

Sure they've been interacting on line for nearly a year but that doesn't mean a hill of beans in my world - it's on line.

Anyway, what the hell do I know, this is just my sense of things, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is how Kim feels if she is certain she has no feelings beyond physical with work guy than and she can separate the two, more power to her!!!

 

[kim42]

31 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this^ and no one including me is judging you for it.  I just posed some questions for you to consider within yourself based on your energy when talking about "workguy" versus your energy when talking about "LD guy."

I sense a certain excitement about work guy, and I have lost count of how many times you've used the word "strong chemistry" to describe your feelings about him.  Not once have you described your feelings about LD guy as having strong chemistry.

Chemistry is important!  It's that somethin somethin that can't even be described really, a feeling basically in our solar plexis when for example receiving a text, chatting/interacting/flirting, the anticipation of seeing them again, being sexual with them.

I dunno, maybe it's just me but I don't get that sense from you about LD guy!   Based on your posts on this thread.  You say you're excited about his visit but your "energy" (which I know sounds totally hokey to some people) says something different.  TO ME.

On the other hand, I DO get that sense from you when talking about work guy, despite the fact HE only wants casual and you have sort of adapted yourself to that, which is what you yourself posted.

Anyway Kim, this is just my opinion, I am only one person, who cares!  You know yourself best and if you say it's "just sex," and only physical with work guy and there are no feelings involved beyond that, then I respect that and again wish you the best of luck!!!!

Nuff said from me!!!

Enjoy!!!

I understand what you mean. I think this thread is more focused on work guy so maybe that's why it looks like I'm more excited about him but it's not the case. I don't know how else to describe that it's only physical so I used 'strong chemistry' because there's nothing else to say about what we 'have'. We don't talk about personal things, we're not really friends so the only thing that connects us is the physical aspect.

I definitely have chemistry with LD guy too and I'm sure I used that word in my 2 threads about him 😊 It's true that because we haven't seen each other for so long, the chemistry is maybe less intense than in November but I believe that's normal in this situation.

Also, I try not to get too excited about him coming to visit because I know I have a tendency to get too excited sometimes, so I try to keep my expectations realistic. I also don't want to put too much pressure on this situation because I know we both have waited so long to see each other again. I really hope we still have the effortless connection that we had last year!

 

[kim42]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You wrote we encouraged you to date others. That is why I wrote that. Because I didn’t see anyone encouraging you to have sex with coworkers or random men you’re not dating. You raised it. Not me. You told rainbow rose if your sex partner asks you to date you’d be open to it depending on LD guy. Maybe you wrote that and now have changed your mind. Which is fine !

Rainbow asked me a very hypothetical question that I answered but I think it's highly unlikely that work guy would ask me to date him anytime soon. He made it very clear he wants only casual so I'm not entertaining the possibility he might want more. He's a little younger than me and clearly wants to play the field. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't think I have more feelings involved. The timing feels a little weird since LD guy is supposed to come soon but me and work guy don't text about anything too personal, it's either about work or flirty message to plan to 'hang out'.  So it's just physical.

Yes.

It can be purely physical in the moment but that still doesn’t negate the possibility or potential for feelings to develop in the future. For me, I can compartmentalize a bit so that can certainly be the case. I liked him initially but the more time I spent with him, the more I said to myself, "eh, not feeling it anymore, lol."  

No harm no foul.

The nice thing about a crush or infatuation is it’s easy. You expect that it won’t go anywhere, so you're thoughts and expectations don’t get involved.  Sexual connections are different because often people think that it must have some sort of future value.  Sometimes you just feel comfortable with someone and you can enjoy the moment.

Anyway Kim, I appreciate your candidness and ability to be vulnerable with us here while you are still sorting out your feelings. The fact that you are tells me that you've got a pretty good handle on things.

Just really think about how it factors in with LD guy because the operative word is "potential." If, deep down inside you want to hold on to that potential you'll know because it'll make you feel a twinge of emotional discomfort by engaging in a casual relationship with work guy.

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Rainbow asked me a very hypothetical question that I answered but I think it's highly unlikely that work guy would ask me to date him anytime soon. He made it very clear he wants only casual so I'm not entertaining the possibility he might want more. He's a little younger than me and clearly wants to play the field. 

Thanks for clarifying. I’d assume this is his limit with you. Since you’re coworkers be prepared to learn he’s dating someone or serious with someone. That preparation will help the “ouch” factor. Been there. Not with having casual sex but hooking up with a former classmate who was hot, younger , and after we made out said he wanted me to know (again) that he wasn’t going to take me as his date to a fancy benefit. I mean I assumed so but hearing it was cringey. We were and remained friends. He fell in love with a gorgeous woman who ended things with him then met his future wife. I suspected he settled a bit for her but she was beautiful in a way that I wasn’t. He was hot looking in a way that I wasn’t. I accepted that. It helped the boo boo heal faster. 

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It can be purely physical in the moment but that still doesn’t negate the possibility or potential for feelings to develop in the future.

This^ is an excellent point and one that I was going to mention, but I've probably said too much already so figured I'd leave it.  

But anyway, since yogacat mentioned it, here's my $.02.

I can't count the number of threads I have read from both women and men who began things as casual FWB, but the more time they spent together and the more sex they had, their casual feelings began deepening and they found themselves wanting and needing more.  This is perfectly normal and happens quite often.

Which is part of my concern about what will happen when you spend time/have sex with work guy this week soon before LD's visit.

I realize at times I have an over-active imagination and tend to envision certain scenarios which has it's good points and bad points.

And fwiw what I am envisioning now is you having an awesome time with work guy, laughing, flirting, being sexual, bonding (possibly) after which LD guy visits and your not being able to shake those feelings in the aftermath so soon.

Which of course will have an impact on how you feel and interact with LD guy.  That would be "normal" to me, even with an FWB when there is super strong chemistry and good positive feelings.

You say that won't happen but honestly can you really know that for sure?  You admit you have super strong chemistry with him and great sex which is typically what gets the ball rolling as far as bonding and becoming attached goes. Not always but it happens often enough that it's worth a mention and consideration imo.

Again just something for you to consider Kim, my intention is NOT to put you on the defensive and it's really not even necessary for you to answer here.

Again, just something to consider within yourself.

 

 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ is an excellent point and one that I was going to mention, but I've probably said too much already so figured I'd leave it.  

But anyway, since yogacat mentioned it, here's my $.02.

I can't count the number of threads I have read from both women and men who began things as casual FWB, but the more time they spent together and the more sex they had, their casual feelings began deepening and they found themselves wanting and needing more.  This is perfectly normal and happens quite often.

Which is part of my concern about what will happen when you spend time/have sex with work guy this week soon before LD's visit.

I realize at times I have an over-active imagination and tend to envision certain scenarios which has it's good points and bad points.

And fwiw what I am envisioning now is you having an awesome time with work guy, laughing, flirting, being sexual, bonding (possibly) after which LD guy visits and your not being able to shake those feelings in the aftermath so soon.

Which of course will have an impact on how you feel and interact with LD guy.  That would be "normal" to me, even with an FWB when there is super strong chemistry and good positive feelings.

You say that won't happen but honestly can you really know that for sure?  You admit you have super strong chemistry with him and great sex which is typically what gets the ball rolling as far as bonding and becoming attached goes. Not always but it happens often enough that it's worth a mention and consideration imo.

Again just something for you to consider Kim, my intention is NOT to put you on the defensive and it's really not even necessary for you to answer here.

Again, just something to consider within yourself.

 

 

So you mean she’ll sort of have the afterglow of work guy when she sees LD which will cloud her perspective if for example it’s awkward or uncertain at first. 

[yogacat]

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ is an excellent point and one that I was going to mention, but I've probably said too much already so figured I'd leave it.  

But anyway, since yogacat mentioned it, here's my $.02.

I can't count the number of threads I have read from both women and men who began things as casual FWB, but the more time they spent together and the more sex they had, their casual feelings began deepening and they found themselves wanting and needing more.  This is perfectly normal and happens quite often.

Which is part of my concern about what will happen when you spend time/have sex with work guy this week soon before LD's visit.

I realize at times I have an over-active imagination and tend to envision certain scenarios which has it's good points and bad points.

And fwiw what I am envisioning now is you having an awesome time with work guy, laughing, flirting, being sexual, bonding (possibly) after which LD guy visits and your not being able to shake those feelings in the aftermath so soon.

Which of course will have an impact on how you feel and interact with LD guy.  That would be "normal" to me, even with an FWB when there is super strong chemistry and good positive feelings.

You say that won't happen but honestly can you really know that for sure?  You admit you have super strong chemistry with him and great sex which is typically what gets the ball rolling as far as bonding and becoming attached goes. Not always but it happens often enough that it's worth a mention and consideration imo.

Again just something for you to consider Kim, my intention is NOT to put you on the defensive and it's really not even necessary for you to answer here.

Again, just something to consider within yourself.

This is usually the case 9 times out of 10. For me, and maybe @kim42, in this particular instance it was 50/50.  I never expected anything to happen with the guy I was referring to. He was fun, but I never assumed he'd lead to anything.

Anyway, I was half-heartedly in it for a few things: To add some color to my life, to bond in a non-relationship way, and if I'm being totally honest I was curious.

But then again, I had been in long-term relationships back-to-back from the age of 15 to 34 with very little down time or singleness in between. 

But I think the point that you're making, and I happen to agree to a degree, is that usually when women have sex with men and may 'pretend' that they are in no way going to catch "the feels" as they say - the majority of the time they do.

To me that's certainly understandable, for a variety of reasons, but it happens.  

Any time we have sex with someone, we are at risk of bonding with them on a physical level. It's human nature and it's biological. Our bodies and hormones are wired to seek connection in that way, and it can be difficult to control or fully suppress those impulses.

Sure, it's possible to have a purely physical and casual relationship, but it's not as common as many people seem to think it is. And even in those situations, there's still a risk of feelings developing on either side.

[kim42]

Thanks guys for your thoughts and concern, I know fwb situations come with their risks. I think I should be okay if I hook up with him again (once) but I agree it might be different if we continue to do this regularly.

I'll keep this in mind and see how things go with LD guy.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

This is usually the case 9 times out of 10. For me, and maybe @kim42, in this particular instance it was 50/50.  I never expected anything to happen with the guy I was referring to. He was fun, but I never assumed he'd lead to anything.

To Kim's credit, I truly believe she doesn't believe it will lead to anything (like dating or a relationship) either and has no expectations that it will and I really applaud her for having her feet on the ground about that!

I can only speak for myself but even when I have known that nothing will ever become of the situationship/interaction, and I had no expectations that it would (such situations were mostly long distance on line interactions) I STILL could not help "catching feelings" for the man.

I recall having same type of very casual interaction with a man many years ago after a long term relationship (real life) ended, we didn't talk about anything too personal at first, it was all fun banter and flirty message exchanges. 

I still recall it quite vividly, all these years later, and it was a super fun time for me!  I felt a lot of chemistry with him (on line chemistry); I enjoyed messaging with him, I recalling feeling a "tingle" when I would see a message from him arrive in my inbox.  Long story short, I ended up falling hard for him and wrong or right I became quite attached to him emotionally.   

And when it ended (he ghosted me, then returned, then ghosted again), I felt quite gutted!

So I guess my point is that it's not out of realm of possibility that even though one might have NO expectations of anything developing for whatever reason, one can still develop the feelings, become quite attached/bonded and get VERY hurt when it ends.

P.S. We weren't having sex either (no sexting) since he lived long distance and we had never even met.  Which I would imagine would make the risk of falling for someone bigger than if they were not having sex.

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

To Kim's credit, I truly believe she doesn't believe it will lead to anything (like dating or a relationship) either and has no expectations that it will and I really applaud her for having her feet on the ground about that!

I can only speak for myself but even when I have known that nothing will ever become of the situationship/interaction, and I had no expectations that it would (such situations were mostly long distance on line interactions) I STILL could not help "catching feelings" for the man.

I recall having same type of very casual interaction with a man many years ago after a long term relationship (real life) ended, we didn't talk about anything too personal at first, it was all fun banter and flirty message exchanges. 

I still recall it quite vividly, all these years later, and it was a super fun time for me!  I felt a lot of chemistry with him (on line chemistry); I enjoyed messaging with him, I recalling feeling a "tingle" when I would see a message from him arrive in my inbox.  Long story short, I ended up falling hard for him and wrong or right I became quite attached to him emotionally.   

And when it ended (he ghosted me, then returned, then ghosted again), I felt quite gutted!

So I guess my point is that it's not out of realm of possibility that even though one might have NO expectations of anything developing for whatever reason, one can still develop the feelings, become quite attached/bonded and get VERY hurt when it ends.

P.S. We weren't having sex either (no sexting) since he lived long distance and we had never even met.  Which I would imagine would make the risk of falling for someone bigger than if they were not having sex.

This was painful to read.

I personally go into every interaction knowing full well it could lead nowhere, and I do my best not to become too emotionally invested.

I was dating someone and we hit it off so well but we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks (I was ill) but when I recovered, he didn't seem to keen to hang out like before. We still got on great when we were in touch.  

I realized I was expecting or hoping for a bit more than just catching up again. I had to remind myself that I wasn't nothing more than a woman to date to him and made no pretense to be otherwise.  It's a hard lesson.

What was especially confusing is he was acting like a boyfriend but clarification told that he didn't want anything serious as he was still recovering from a past relationship. He even questioned if I was dating other men, which to me, meant he was becoming attached too.

I guess he wasn't going full steam ahead, but instead of being honest, he pretended to be boyfriend like knowing he wasn't going to change his mind.

So.... ---->>>> I ghosted him. 

Anyway, I think the best advice would be to be honest with yourself about what you want and don't want from these interactions @kim42.

If you're okay with just a casual hookup and seeing where things go with the long-distance guy, then go for it.

Do I think that time spent in a casual relationship could be time spent finding a more committed one?

Absolutely.

But if you're having fun and not worried about the situation, enjoy it for what it is.

If things start shifting for you and you find yourself wanting more from these men, then it's time to address it and make decisions about what you truly want.

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I personally go into every interaction knowing full well it could lead nowhere, and I do my best not to become too emotionally invested.

How though?  Can you share?  I have heard others say same but how can one control their emotions like that?  I cannot.  I can have my feet on the ground about it not going anywhere and control my expectations so I don't get "too" hurt.

But try as I might I cannot control the emotions, which is actually OKAY!   I am super resilient and bounce back pretty quick.  Perhaps that is why I am able to enjoy it and feel the emotions even when knowing it won't lead anywhere.  I am not afraid of that.

Because I KNOW no matter what, I will be okay and perhaps even stronger than I was before it began.

[yogacat]

26 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

37 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I personally go into every interaction knowing full well it could lead nowhere, and I do my best not to become too emotionally invested.

Because I KNOW no matter what, I will be okay and perhaps even stronger than I was before it began.

That's a great attitude to have for sure!  

I think for me, I am so used to men coming on strongly that I can sense it right away, almost on contact.  And, tbh, the crazier they come on, 9 times out of 10 the quicker I lose interest.

I think it's because I know that in order to connect with someone, it takes time.  Sure, maybe two people can "click", but even with that you have to grow and learn about each other.

So when someone comes on strong, it's like they are skipping steps, ya know?  And I see it as a bit desperate (unless it's mutual passion...but, even then there has to be some give and take and working towards learning about one another).

Anyway, for me, I guess just being my go-with-the-flow (1 step at a time) personality and knowing that we can connect (as long as we continue to talk and learn from one another on a deep level) means the most to me.

Because that in turn leads to an even deeper connection.  

But, one that can take a while to get there or it can just happen instantly, but you still have to learn about one another....if that makes sense?

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think for me, I am so used to men coming on strongly that I can sense it right away, almost on contact.  And, tbh, the crazier they come on, 9 times out of 10 the quicker I lose interest.

Same for me.  I think that may be true for many women.  I dislike "thirsty" men, men who come on super strong.  Give me some space and time to wonder about you, think about you, miss you!  That's what works for me during early stages and perhaps even beyond.

I actually really enjoy that stage.  The wondering, the uncertainty.   I know it's weird, but that's me and always has been from ever since I started dating.

I am also an "in the moment," one day at a time, not attached to the outcome and appreciate the journey type person.

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think it's because I know that in order to connect with someone, it takes time.  Sure, maybe two people can "click", but even with that you have to grow and learn about each other.

Totally agree.  I forgot to mention in my previous which I think is important is that for me (and I suppose you as well given the above quote) is that it is very VERY rare when I feel a true connection with a man in a romantic sense.

As you know I have dated quite a few men, but have had only a handful of relationships within which I did feel that "connection."  Most of the men I have dated, I don't feel that connection (like recently with Mr. Disheveled).

I was attracted to him on line with limited pics and other info and I eventually after we met in person and after I got over my bias about his choice of attire, became intrigued by his personality but at the end of the day I ended it quickly because for me, I just didn't feel that connection and we had different values.

Again it's very very rare when I feel that connection and when I do, I still can't say with any degree of certainty that it's going to go the distance.

That takes spending time together, sharing experiences, overcoming conflicts, the list goes on.  It's a process, a journey.

 

[catfeeder]

When I raised the idea of being safer by postponing the casual guy in favor of learning of any future potential with the LD guy, I was thinking in terms of avoiding a risk of landing in bed with the love of your life only to find out that you gave him an adorable case of herpes or something, which had not yet incubated enough for you to know about it at the time.

Does anybody care about this kind of stuff anymore, or am I a fossil?

[yogacat]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

When I raised the idea of being safer by postponing the casual guy in favor of learning of any future potential with the LD guy, I was thinking in terms of avoiding a risk of landing in bed with the love of your life only to find out that you gave him an adorable case of herpes or something, which had not yet incubated enough for you to know about it at the time.

Does anybody care about this kind of stuff anymore, or am I a fossil?

No I don't think you're a fossil.

I think when you start to overlap it gets more cumbersome to keep track of all the partners and cover who has and STD and who does not. Therefore overlapping *can* easily increase risk for people. It's easier when every partner is the one and only current in your life.

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

When I raised the idea of being safer by postponing the casual guy in favor of learning of any future potential with the LD guy, I was thinking in terms of avoiding a risk of landing in bed with the love of your life only to find out that you gave him an adorable case of herpes or something, which had not yet incubated enough for you to know about it at the time.

Does anybody care about this kind of stuff anymore, or am I a fossil?

I was assuming they would be using condoms and other precautionary measures but YES it's absolutely a concern!

I was speaking more towards the emotional risk but I suppose it's both among other things including LD guy being able to tell that she recently had intercourse with another man.

Not sure how they can know that but I have heard some men profess they can and it's real turn off (for some).

[JoyfulCompany]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Does anybody care about this kind of stuff anymore, or am I a fossil?

I do and mentioned it in my post. Condoms are a must but still not enough to be sure. Heck, even a kiss can give you hsv, epstein barr (ebv) and those viruses may stay in your body forever. Some high-risk hpv types may develop into cancer, hsv may be problematic if fresh before or during pregnancy, there are some links between ebv and neurodegenerative diseases... See, we're not the cleanest species. People can transmit stuff even without a flare up. And, as you know, there's no test for hpv for men.

However, there needs to be some balance between being scared for your health and living life. You can get those even if you have one partner. Also, those viruses can stay latent for years. So, there's always always always a risk if you're sexually active. I'm all for decreasing this risk but when I was younger, I admit I didn't give it that much thought either. If I knew all these stuff, I would've made different decisions in some cases. But, hey, life experiences have important value, too. So, again - I mostly recommend keeping some balance.

I would (now) be nervous with overlapping without me and the partners being at least somewhat tested. And it's true that for some STIs you need to give it some time before testing. So, I'm also a fossils. 🙂

[kim42]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

This was painful to read.

I personally go into every interaction knowing full well it could lead nowhere, and I do my best not to become too emotionally invested.

I was dating someone and we hit it off so well but we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks (I was ill) but when I recovered, he didn't seem to keen to hang out like before. We still got on great when we were in touch.  

I realized I was expecting or hoping for a bit more than just catching up again. I had to remind myself that I wasn't nothing more than a woman to date to him and made no pretense to be otherwise.  It's a hard lesson.

What was especially confusing is he was acting like a boyfriend but clarification told that he didn't want anything serious as he was still recovering from a past relationship. He even questioned if I was dating other men, which to me, meant he was becoming attached too.

I guess he wasn't going full steam ahead, but instead of being honest, he pretended to be boyfriend like knowing he wasn't going to change his mind.

So.... ---->>>> I ghosted him. 

Anyway, I think the best advice would be to be honest with yourself about what you want and don't want from these interactions @kim42.

If you're okay with just a casual hookup and seeing where things go with the long-distance guy, then go for it.

Do I think that time spent in a casual relationship could be time spent finding a more committed one?

Absolutely.

But if you're having fun and not worried about the situation, enjoy it for what it is.

If things start shifting for you and you find yourself wanting more from these men, then it's time to address it and make decisions about what you truly want.

Thanks yoga, I'd like to get more serious with LD guy because we get along so well but I need to see how things go during this visit and how he feels about the distance. 

As for work guy, that's just sex but after reading all these posts, I will keep an eye on how I feel about this situation going forward, and if I start feel something else, I'll remove myself from this. I'm aware of the risk of 'bonding' with someone you have casual sex with.